New here. My BPD mom is no longer speaking with me

[ozzy2014]

Hi everyone,
Just kind of at a loss.  My mom was diagnosed with BPD about 10 years ago.  I took her to go to counseling with me after she raged against my husband, damaged our car, and spread lies about myself and my husband around the family.  It was an extremely hurtful time.  The psychologist immediately diagnosed her.  I read the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and it was amazing how I realized that was my mom.  We worked on our relationship and I set up boundaries... which she never liked.  She wanted to control me and my kids.  Well 10 years later, I thought things were going well and all of a sudden she is no longer talking to me.  She will not reply to my calls/texts.  I see her communicating and responding on facebook to posts, but never mine.  What happened?  I have to admit I am not that upset but it still makes me sad that maybe this is it?  Just confused.  Has this happened to anyone else?  Thank you

[Panda39]

Hi Ozzy2014,

Welcome to the BPD Family 

I can only stop by briefly (I'm at lunch at work  but I wanted to share information about Splitting it sounds like what may be going on in your situation.  (I pulled this information out of the "Lessons" section of the box to the right each item is link to more info if you want to check it out  )

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

Splitting is a powerful unconscious force that manifests to protect against anxiety. Rather than providing real protection, splitting leads to destructive behavior and turmoil, and the often confused reactions by those who try to help.  Some degree of splitting is an expected part of early mental development. It is seen in young children who, early on, press to be told "Is it good?" or "Is it bad?" Learn more:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0

I know other members will be along soon with their thoughts.  I hope this information helps.

Take Care, 
Panda39

[zachira]

I am sorry that your mother has chosen to hurt you in this way. I have had perhaps a similar experience with my siblings and mother who are all borderlines. For years, I have been in therapy and have been setting better boundaries with them. As I have set better boundaries, they have sought more ways to get even with me for changing, and I was shocked when I was suddenly excluded from the family Christmas celebration this year, which is something I have always participated in. With borderlines, you never know when they are suddenly going to do the most hurtful thing they can when they can no longer tolerate your setting better boundaries with them. It is so hard not to take all this hurtful behavior as something personal, and not to feel overwhelmed by being treated with such cruelty. It is especially hurtful to be cut off by your mother, as you only have one mother, and no matter what the situation, it is normal to want to have some kind of meaningful contact with her. I have found the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" to be helpful in healing the hurt and to move forward from all the cruelty. I hope you can take comfort in knowing that none of this is your fault and you have really done everything to have a healthy relationship with your mother. Take care and let us know how we can help!

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Ozzy2014, 

I'm so glad you found us and came to join our big family. We definitely are a family, and we'll help you find lots of helpful information, share our hearts and offer compassionate understanding of what you are going through.

Panda39 and Zachira have also extended a warm welcome and offered some great thoughts.  I think it's hard to say why your BPDm chose to go NC with you, but from my own experience with my uBPDm I can suggest something that I observed with her. She would paint people (and her children) either black or white. If someone did something that caused her to feel rejected, I'd watch her turn her back on them and have nothing more to do with them. It wasn't that the perceived rejection had any base in reality, but rather in her belief of reality.

The concept of splitting can also be applied as Panda39 mentioned, plus projection which is basically closer to what I mentioned. My mom would project her thoughts and beliefs onto others.

Have you ever read this book:

Understanding the Borderline Mother

It is not exactly a self help book but rather a book which I found to be the story of my life. There is a lot of validation that goes on within those pages. I'm glad that you have already read a book that has helped you as well as been in T (therapy). 

 
Wools

[ozzy2014]

I really appreciate your responses.  It does make me feel better.  It is such a strange feeling to be abandoned by your own mother.  But I have witnessed her do this to so many other people her entire life.  I defintiely will look into those books.  I do agree she is probably trying to get even with me for setting boundaries.  Just surprised at the timing.  I thought we were getting along well before this split.
I am very glad I found this page.  I remembered my psychologist mentioned there were online support groups.  I was feeling down and confused yesterday so I started researching online and I found you all.  Thank you!

[Penny123]

Hello ozzy2014, I'm sorry to hear that your Mom stopped communicating with you. I know it's very confusing, sad, and probably a little scary. My BPDMom has had only minimal contact with me in the last 3 weeks but tensions/disagreements were rising. For me, it might turn permanent, I don't know. If so, there will be a mourning process. Remember, BPD people have a low emotional intelligence. Hang in there ozzy2014.