Can't help but feel pathetic after the discard. I have never felt so alone.

[Will2Power]

I went NC five times. I broke it after a week the first time. A week and a half the second. Two weeks the third. 60 days the fourth... .and two days the fifth.

 He happily took me back each time. He has now ended it and told me he wants me gone “forever”. This is a positive thing- it gives me peace and freedom, and most importantly, my safety. CLEARLY I didn’t have the self control. I get that it was negative and had to end. He would have killed me, or I would have killed myself. I still can’t help but feel sad about him being the one to end it. I have tried NC 5 times- always failed. He finally did it to me now. I can’t help but feel pathetic after the discard. I know I am better off... .does anyone else struggle after being discarded? I know this is for the best, but it’s scary to think that it isn’t an option to run to him. I feel like it proves his point about all the negative things he has said about me. He is BPD (officially diganoised) I also suspect NPD after reading millions of books/researching.

Friends and family do not understand. I have never felt so alone.

[Pencil sketch]

Welcome will2power, you are in the right place, and your feelings are quite normal.
Regardless of who ends it, coming out of a relationship with a BPD is a traumatic experience, and now it's over, you will start to come down, the drama is over, and your brain will start to process what's happened, and it is lonely.
Read as much as you can on here, and ask as many questions as possible, you may feel alone, but you are not.
One day at a time.

[PianoDood]

Will2power ... YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  I have been with my uBPD wife for 12 years (8 dating/engaged and 4 married).  EACH AND EVERY TIME she disappeared or discarded during those 12 years was EXCRUCIATING.  I longed for her.  I ached for her.  I felt worthless because I couldn't understand how this woman I believed was my soulmate,  whom I had invested so much of my life in could just walk away as if I never existed,  cutting off all contact,  acting as of I was never important to her or that she never genuinely loved me.  Such a heart-wrenchi feeling.  BUT, LISTEN TO ME, IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU!  He may throw many blame grenades your way,  but YOU DO NOT HAVE TO CATCH THEM!  Somewhere in the relationship,  you had the feeling that things weren't equal, there was an imbalance between what you have and what you received.   And not just short periods of this, which is normal even in healthy relationships,  but a long-standing feeling of imbalance... .emotionally,  financially... .probably in every way.   And you probably also felt like it wasn't healthy but the attachment was overwhelming.   I felt it too with my wife.   And it damages us.  It makes us feel less-than, like we're not really worthy of being loved genuinely.   Because, afterall,  here is this person who professes to love us in words,  but their actions don't match their words.   I'm fact,  their actions can be downright DESTRUCTIVE to us.  And it confuses the mind.  It muddles the emotions.  It hurts.

So don't be hard on yourself.   What you're feeling is ABSOLUTELY NORMAL for someone in your position.   I'm only 2 months out from what I believe is my uBPD wife's final discard,  and I feel much of the same as you.   I still long for her.  I still feel that detachment anxiety,  I still miss many things about her.   That's NORMAL at this stage.   Part of it for me was that the relationship made me feel so unlovable that I felt I would be alone the rest of my life... .that she was the one And only key to my happiness.   That's the insidious nature of the abuse,  whether they intend to inflict it or it's just a natural byproduct of their disorder.   The affect on us is the same,  regardless.  

I want to encourage you to read all you can about BPD, it's effects on non-BPD partners,  on relationships,  what might be happening inside of you from your past that is allowing you to be tethered to something that is hurtful and destructive to you.   You are stronger than you think.

And yes,  I still ache inside knowing that,  regardless of whether my uBPD wife recycles again is really irrelevant.  Because,  this time,  I've had enough.   I can't allow myself to continue to damage me, my life and everything about it.  And I sincerely pray that you get to that point.   Because it's where healing begins.  It's where you separate from the enmeshment and start taking the steps that are healthy for you.

2 months ago today,  I was on a 3 day self- medication bender with alcohol.   I was paralyzed with grief, hopelessness and despair.   But,  by working to better understand the enemy, which truly is BPD and NOT your significant other,  and learning the past I played in the unholy dance with my wife and by participating and soliciting feedback from others who have and are dealing with the same things... .it has given me the strength to be resolute,  knowing that I deserve more, there IS more and helped me to resolve to allow my heart time to catch up with my head,  so to speak.  It's not easy.   Just yesterday I had a triggered thought to send her flowers to her work as I had frequently done in the past as I drove past the florist I always used.  That's NORMAL inn detachment.   It's what you do with it that counts.   Immediately,  my rational,  logical self was REVOLTED BY THE IDEA OF SENDING HER FLOWERS. And I shoved the thought out of my head,  knowing it was a triggered response.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!  And it DOES get better.  Brb patient with yourself.   You've been through a lot in the relationship.   It's going to take time to heal.

*hugs*

[Cromwell]

you write in a way that assumes that now - finally - is all over "forever'"

Hopefully it is and you can move on. I wouldnt be too sure.

What makes you think the h00ver does not get switched back on.

have you thought about preparing yourself what you might do if it does?

 rather than being shocked, and stunting all that progress in the meantime it takes to emotionally detach?

[Mutt]

I have tried NC 5 times- always failed.

Did you try NC with the support from a support group to help you succeed?

Regardless of who ends it, coming out of a relationship with a BPD is a traumatic experience, and now it's over, you will start to come down, the drama is over, and your brain will start to process what's happened, and it is lonely.

It is a traumatic experience it affects your self esteem so it's natural to feel really low again the board is here 365/24/7 there's always someone here that you can talk too if you feel lonely.

I longed for her.  I ached for her.  I felt worthless because I couldn't understand how this woman I believed was my soulmate,  whom I had invested so much of my life in could just walk away as if I never existed,  cutting off all contact,  acting as of I was never important to her or that she never genuinely loved me.  Such a heart-wrenchi feeling

I had similar feelings I didn't believe that she would leave although it was constant conflict looking at it where I am today regardless if the r/s is with a pwBPD or not that much conflict is not good for a r/s it will end. I never felt so low in my life when my ex left me, I drank for the first few weeks but I didn't want to continue because supressing that much pain can't be good either. This place was a life saver.

You are stronger than you think.

 

you write in a way that assumes that now - finally - is all over "forever'"

Hopefully it is and you can move on. I wouldnt be too sure.

If you look at past behaviours it will show a pattern and the most likely outcome on his part I'm not saying that you're going to recycle this time I'm saying that likely he is going to try again.
 

[The Cat in d Hat]

Sorry to hear your dealing with this. I find myself wondering why I didn’t end it when I had the chance, and that is largely due to my ego being bruised when I got discarded. I’m not sure but maybe that’s what may be bothering you? I found there was nothing I can do about this at this point, and it was time to begin the healing process.

Good luck, take care.

[tlc232]

I can’t help but feel pathetic after the discard. I know I am better off... .does anyone else struggle after being discarded?

 

Welcome W2P ---   we all struggle... .which is how most of us have found this spot.  You feel this way because you are "normal".   When you are normal, you have logical feelings for the way you have been treated.  I hope that a lot of the things you read here resonate to show you that many have gone through similar situations and are here to help.

I don't really understand it either -- but you are right... .friends and family don't understand the oddities of what you have been through and the pain.  They will tell you how happy you should be to be out of the roller coaster relationship... .but it wasn't all bad, so it is hard and painful... .and seems impossible to  understand.   But people here do understand and want to embrace you and help.     

Simply -- you deserve better -- don't let anyone ever tell you differently.   

[Lucky Jim]

I can’t help but feel pathetic after the discard. I know I am better off... .does anyone else struggle after being discarded?

Hey W2P, Your feelings are normal after a b/u with a pwBPD and I think you are doing the right thing by recognizing them.  If I may make a suggestion: Don't beat yourself up!  It's hard enough to go through a b/u without the added level of judging yourself harshly.  No, you're not pathetic.  Instead, try to treat yourself with compassion and kindness, OK?

LuckyJim