If she gets help is there is a good possibility she will return to tha family?

[bpdturmoil]

My wife has asked for me to find her someone to help her. She has been in therapy for about 5 months but the therapist may not be skilled in what is needed for her disorder and she told me she may not go back to him.

The therapist mentioned to me in confidence when I asked if she was bi-polar that she may have a bit on the bi-polar spectrum or borderline personality disorder. That was the first time I had heard that possible BPD diagnosis and when I looked online I realized that it was 100% BPD.

We have been married for 20 years and it has been exhausting.

She rejects me but then pulls me back in and has regularly throughout the marriage said she wants a divorce and then changes her mind. She has told our kids she was leaving numerous times which has been very traumatic for them.

She has very low self worth and identity issues. Doesn't feel like she fits in.

She has regular suicidal thoughts.

She is easily offended and thinks no one likes her and then projects that onto others.

She rages if feels slighted in any way.

Her mood can change several times in a short amount of time.

She feels like she cannot receive or give love the way she would like to.

Her childhood was very wounding. Her mother married 5 times and there was a lot of physical and verbal abuse towards my wife.

She moved out of the house two weeks ago and left me with the kids (who are 15 thru 23 years old) after threatening to do this for 20 years.

She has seen various therapists throughout the years for depression and anxiety and was taking different meds on and off. Currently not taking any meds. Never saw anyone for BPD however which is my only hope that if treated properly that she may recover from this disorder.

I have suggested to her that maybe she has BPD but she rejects and tells me to stop trying to diagnose her. When I send links to symptoms of BPD she agrees that she has some of those things but she is unique and doesn't want to be labeled which I understand and will not mention BPD again.

Since she has moved out she has been very depressed and agreed that she needs help and told me that if I find someone to help her she would certainly go.

I want to find someone that specializes in Cluster B personality issues and has a track record of helping clients to recovery. I have been searching for someone that specializes in this area but have not found anyone yet.

Can anyone steer me in the right direction to find someone that can help her?

If she gets help and starts to recover there is a god possibility she will return home and have a better future together with me and the kids.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[HeartEyesOpen]

Hello, BPDturmoil!  

I read your post and found myself deeply identifying with you and what your family must be going through. Your wife's struggles are so similar to my uBPDbf that I had to finally sign up as a registered user so I can say hello! I've been lurking these boards from time to time over the past year and a half, and they have been very helpful and encouraging to me ... .I hope they will be for you, too.

How awesome that your wife has asked for you to find her someone whom can help. I know for my situation that finding the right professional fit for my boyfriend is key to an improved relationship. I researched and contacted many different programs and therapists across the US, but after 6 months of searching, I found a great match who just seems to get it. This counselor is non-judgemental and doesn't label, however she is very experienced in helping people whom struggle with trauma and BPD traits (she also does couples counseling, but I haven't explored that with her yet). Her web site is full of information about her multi-tiered and personal approach to each client, and she also has a DBT class. There are quite a few blogs she has written about different topics that pwBPD struggle with, but rarely does she mention BPD. To introduce her to my boyfriend, I shared a couple of her articles. They resonated with him so much that he excitedly agreed to see her and create change in his life - he felt understood. Now, if he will actually follow through and show up for his self-scheduled and paid for appointments.

As a newbie, I'm a little hazy on the rules for sharing a specific professional's information on the boards, so I will wait to disclose until someone weighs in on proper protocol (she offers phone/online counseling to those who aren't able to meet face-to-face in the Pacific Northwest, so I am not sure if I am allowed to share due to the online service aspect ... .I have had personal interactions with her, and I can vouch that she is great in what I've experienced so far).

Have hope!

[RolandOfEld]

Hi BPDturmoil and welcome!  

That does sound like a very exhausting 20 years and I'm sorry you did not discover the board sooner. You will find a lot of great support here.

That is great that your wife has showed willingness to get help. What led up to your her move out, and why do you think she has finally agreed to treatment?  

Regarding therapists, I not too qualified to answer about this but will refer your question to the admin team.

HeartsEyesOpen welcoming you as well!  

~ROE

[Radcliff]

Welcome, BPDturmoil!

That is fantastic news that your wife is interested in getting help.  You are right to not discuss BPD.  DBT therapy is the way to go, and if it helps her to feel more comfortable, can be considered "skills development" rather than "therapy."  This page discusses Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder and includes a 45-minute video that introduces BPD and talks about how effective treatment can be.

DBT was developed by Marsha Linehan, a BPD clinician, specifically for BPD.  You can learn more at the Behavioral Tech Web site.  That Web page also has a link to help you find a DBT therapist.  My wife is doing DBT now, and I've been impressed.  ":)ialectical" means that it combines acceptance of the person as they are now with the opposite concept of the need for change.  This acceptance is crucial for making the pwBPD feel safe, and my wife is quite enthusiastic about the program despite 30 years of hard skepticism about therapy.  DBT has four main focus areas:  Mindfulness, emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness.  They target the problems that are making the pwBPD miserable and that are hard on us "nons."

Meanwhile, you also will want to concentrate on learning skills that you can use to make life go smoother.  This site can help with that.  Have you read any BPD books or adapted any strategies on your own for helping interactions with your wife to go more smoothly?

HeartEyesOpen, welcome!  Now that you're here, I'd encourage you to make an intro post and help us get to know you!  You will be surprised by how much support and learning you will find here.  It really helps!

WW

[RolandOfEld]

Hi BPDturmoil, a few resources the team referred me to you might want to explore:

NEA-BPD  — they have a Family Connections Program that could really be helpful
https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/family-connections/

NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness)— this has local branches throughout the U.S. 
https://www.nami.org/

Find a Therapist
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/

Yrs,
~ROE

[Skip]

Can anyone steer me in the right direction to find someone that can help her?

If she gets help and starts to recover there is a god possibility she will return home and have a better future together with me and the kids.

This is pretty complex disorder for her to navigate and, and a complex situation for you to support as a loving spouse. I encourage you to work with the members here on how to do that... .there is is a lot to learn from others successes and failures.

For now, I would not share with her an diagnostic suspicions that you have... .and focus on what she tells you that bother her and offer to find someone to help with that. For example, if she says she is afraid of the dark (ridiculous example), tell her you are looking for someone who can help her with that. Help her address the problem as she sees it.

I think the best way to find the right person is to go to the top of the local food chain and ask for help... .they should know where the very best resources are in you local area. UCLA is a center of excellence you may want to try. Below is a video from Robin L. Kissell, MD. You may want to drive up there an have a chat with her about the best way to approach your wife and about the best resources near you. You are in a resource rich area of the country.

We will walk with you every step of the way.

What happened the catalyzed her exit from the home?  How are the kids holding up?

Stay cool.    You can most likely bring her back with a soft touch.


Date: 42430Minutes: 4:31
Borderline Personality Disorder | Robin L. Kissell, MD UCLA

[HeartEyesOpen]

Hi BPDturmoil!

I hope your search for the right professional is going well. I sent you a private message with my personal recommendation.

Thank you for the warm welcome, ROE and Wentworth!

Be well!
HeartEyesOpen

[RolandOfEld]

Hi BPDturmoil, just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. Any updates to share?

~ROE