BPD Parent as primary caregiver for dementia parent

[LVP]

Has anyone had to deal with a BPD parent as primary caregiver of dementia parent? My sibling and I are finding it difficult to reason with and help support our parent who has a rare disease causing dementia. Our BPD parent is allowing our ailing parent to drive, lack of nutrition and meds. The most recent issue is BPD parent is resisting us taking our ailing parent to a specialist at the Mayo Clinic. Please help.

[zachira]

I have not dealt with a BPD parent taking care of a parent with dementia. I am dealing with a borderline mother being taken care of by my borderline brother. I find that when my brother is not there I can talk to her caregivers and they are keeping a close eye on what is going on. You can talk to her doctor, and other caregivers. They will document what is going on, though due to confidentiality and conflict of interest, they will not be able to share with you what they think, however hearing what is really happening behind closed doors is important for them to know, and will enable them to take needed action earlier than just being completely in the dark about some of the family issues. They indeed may report your parent for elder abuse, if the parent with dementia is old enough and what is going on meets the criteria for elder abuse according to the laws in your state.
I am sorry you are having to witness your parent not getting the care all people deserve. This is painful and frustrating. Let us know what is helpful and keep us posted!

[Turkish]

They indeed may report your parent for elder abuse, if the parent with dementia is old enough and what is going on meets the criteria for elder abuse according to the laws in your state.

This is a great point that zachira makes.  Adult Protective Services can step in to evaluate if there is indications of elder abuse or neglect. This isn't something you need to deal with alone. Your local APS office can likely be called anonymously for guidance.  Can you make a call as a first step?

Turkish

[LVP]

Thank you - I have begun working with a community resource center in my parents area. I hope they will help me keep watch on what is happening.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi LVP, 

There is a book that might be helpful to you, Doing the Right Thing: Taking Care of Parents Who Didn't Take Care of You. I have not read it myself, but it does sound quite good and seems to be dealing with the topic you are asking about.

How are things going for you? And welcome to our online family! 

Wools