I had hoped to just get along until we sell our home

[Mustbeabetterway]

Now that my husband and I have been apart for going on 7 weeks, he is getting anxious for me to do something to make the pain of separation go away for him.  Yesterday, my daughter and granddaughter and I took an enjoyable trip to the beach.   When I checked my phone, I saw that my husband had called  a few times.  He hasn’t been calling me, just texting conversational things to me.  Telling me how he hates to be alone and he misses me.  Well I called him when we got to a stopping point and he was irritated because I had not answered the first time he called.  He didn’t really want anything.

So last night my phone was on the charger and I was outside on the patio and he texted again that he missed me and didn’t want a divorce.  He wished me a good weekend and happy birthday because my birthday is next week.  He texted I won’t bother you.  Well he proceeded to send me about 5 - 10 more texts each one more angry than the last.  Well when I got into the house and looked at my phone, I had all of those messages and two voicemails.  He claimed I was ignoring him.  Then he ended with “all of these games you are playing are going to come back and bite me on the ass”

I had hoped to just get along until we sell our home and pay off our bills, but I don’t think that is going to work out.

We spoke on the phone just now and asked if I was interested in working on our problems.  I asked him what he proposed.  He doesn’t know, but is alone and tired of it.  I said well since you felt like life wasn’t worth living, I suggest finding out why you were feeling like that.  Or why you didn’t remember hitting and threatening me and locking me out of the house.

Of course, he said the whole problem was that I pulled away from him years ago when he had a heart attack and left him alone five days after shoulder surgery and didn’t care if he was depressed.  So, the problem as he sees it is that He resents me and can’t get passed it.  I said, well, therapy may be a good place to explore those feelings.

I said that I needed space and time to think.

He hung up on me.

[empath]

Seems it always boils down to being our fault for pulling away. I was just told how horrible it was to live with me because I pulled away from being verbally abused - in an abusive email. I'm supposed to work on my problem... . 

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Empath,  I am determined not to take responsibility for his problems.  But, I have been a “fixer” for so long, that he is accustomed to me doing a tap dance trying to figure out what is wrong and solve it.

There has been a lot of verbal abuse in my relationship as well.  It is just ridiculous to get blamed for someone disrespecting you!  In our conversation, I told my husband that I had been in therapy a lot to work on my issues, but only he can work on his problems.  I am trying to keep low contact.  The struggle continues.  At least, I am out of the house.  I don’t feel that longing to be with him as I have in the past.  So that’s something positive.

Thanks for reaching out - Mustbe

[Mustbeabetterway]

Yesterday was my birthday and my UBPDH texted me happy birthday early in the morning.  I texted back thank you.  Later in the afternoon, I texted that I would like to go to our house (I’m staying with our daughter and family since he violently forced me to leave) and pick up my mail and talk about the furniture we had agreed needed to be moved.  I finished with, “let me know if that works for you.”  

Today, he texts me that it doesn’t work for him and what furniture am I wanting to move.  Recently, he was rushing me to get the furniture out so painting and carpeting could be done.

Then he says, I have my boot on his neck, I should talk to my new significant other (there is not even remotely anyone else involved) , he says he is suing for financial spousal. support, he never figured that I would want to harm him financially and finishes it off with “Poor Mustbe always playing the victim.”  

I looked back over the texts and they were peppered with “FU”.  Pathetically, I don’t even notice because that is how he regularly speaks to me.

I was trying so hard not to JADE.  I know I am going to have to set tougher boundaries or go total NC.

Going NC would mean getting a lawyer involved because we are still married and have joint just about everything.  He threatened that if I screw him around that he will just let everything go and I would get screwed, too.

After all of the drama and mistreatment during the marriage, I am not wanting to keep wrangling with him about the house.  However, I know it is a mistake to just walk away because we have a lot of equity in the house and we both will need it for the future.

Anyone been through anything similar and have advice?  

[Mutt]

Hi Mustbeabetterway,

Happy belated birthday! I’m sorry that you’re going through this the escalating anxiety and aggression towards you sound like he’s going through am extinction burst,  it sound like you haven’t been apart from each other for this long and ge’s realizing it he also doesn’t sound like he wants to change because he simply said that he’s tired of it and doesn’t have any ideas. I think that he just wants this thing to disappear my advice is minimal contact figure out what kind of boundaries that you want.

What do you absolutely have to talk about? What things are off the table? I’ve foolowe formula with my ex for 5 years the only thing that I discuss is the kids I absolutely do not share anything personal and I don’t JADE, I say things once maybe twice sometimes she’ll ask about same thing that I answered 10 more times. I see that you don’t and you’re struggling a little keep at it it will get better if you set more boundaries expect more extinction bursts that’s the bad news the good is that they will subside.

Something else you might want to consider is talking over email. I have t to my ex in the phone for five years. The phone can catch you off guard you’re not sure how to respond you regret your response, you have to listen to your exes tone etc. Email is less emotional and elimanates tone it gives you time to pause and think, sometimes I wait one or two days before I respond. Is it an emergency? How important is it? What is valid and invalid? It keeps a paper trail so if I need something in the future for court I have 5 years worth of emails worth it’s all in black and white.

He probably won’t like it if he says things like he has a boot in his neck and won’t respect ghisblundary if my ex called I responded back email each time until eventually she understoodd that in order to get a line of communication with me she has to reach me by email from time to time I see her name pop up on my phone it’s very rarely these days and I still don’t pick up then a few minutes later I get an email.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Mutt,

Thank you for responding, and for the birthday wishes.  I really had a nice week, my coworkers, friends, and family celebrated with me on different days and made me feel special.  It boosted my spirits.

Emailing is a good idea.  Over the years, he has refused to actually learn about the bills and get on a budget, but complains about how much money we spend, blames me for the bills, etc.  I emailed a copy of the ledger that I keep showing what has been paid and what is yet to be paid.  That was good.  As you say, I didn't have to hear the tone in his reply. 

We absolutely have to communicate  about finances, for now. 
We absolutely have to communicate about our home which we own together.
Otherwise, there is nothing else that has to be discussed.

A couple of days ago, he was texting me and demanding that I call him.  So I did, he wanted to know why I refused to communicate with him and I finally made it clear that I definitely want a divorce. He and I have said it in the past, but then reconciled.  He wasn't taking me seriously, and in the past, I was only halfhearted about ending the relationship.  With nothing changing, except for the worse, I am finished working on the relationship.  I just want to end the marriage.

So there is no need for me to respond to texts or phone calls. 

Thanks again, Mutt.

Mustbeabetterway

[tlc232]

... . Or why you didn’t remember hitting and threatening me and locking me out of the house.

Of course, he said the whole problem was that I pulled away from him years ago when he had a heart attack and left him alone five days after shoulder surgery and didn’t care if he was depressed.  So, the problem as he sees it is that He resents me and can’t get passed it.  I said, well, therapy may be a good place to explore those feelings.

Mustbe... .

Wow!  This sounds very familiar.  I had a 14 year relationship with a unBPD and there were maybe two very bad incidents (mainly towards the end).   The "not remembering" some atrocious behavior resonates.    Was this a normal event for you too?    There was every excuse in the book and the not remembering meant he wasn't himself and that behavior didn't count, but he could recount small details that were in his favor during these events, just not why he was pulling firearms out or also hurting family members there to help me get away.    The other thing that you said was the resentment during an illness.   Was that a common thing too that you never did enough to care for him and sending him over the edge.     

With the similarities that you are mentioning, I can't help but put him in the "dangerous" category.   Anyone who has the capability for both mental and physical abuse needs to be alone until they find help and take the responsibility to clearly understand completely unacceptable behavior.   

This last incident was enough for me.  It is my opinion that if you continue to have any type of contact, it is (in his mind) only to ensure that you do what he needs.  It doesn't sound like you think that is the path for you.   If you aren't planning to continue to make him happy and do what he bids, I would expect the contact to continue to seriously deteriorate.   That makes them even more dangerous.   No contact with a BPD gives you the distance to have the lawyer figure those things out.   They find that message pretty clear. 

I hope this improves in the direction you want it to go... .  Hard days.

[spero]

Yesterday was my birthday and my UBPDH texted me happy birthday early in the morning.  

Hey there MustBe,

Wishing you a rather belated birthday message. I hope that you are keeping okay and that the things you've set out to do will go well in your favour.

I was trying so hard not to JADE.  I know I am going to have to set tougher boundaries or go total NC.

Going NC would mean getting a lawyer involved because we are still married and have joint just about everything.  He threatened that if I screw him around that he will just let everything go and I would get screwed, too.

How "consistent" has your partner's reaction been to escalation and emotional dysregulation? You would probably know better if this is a threat he would follow through or not. People living with BPD do make "threats", that being said, his emotional state would be a better gauge of whether he would actually carry out that specific set of actions.

Is there a safety measure under the laws of your country to ensure that he cannot sell off your property while you are working on a divorce settlement. This, i have no knowledge on, but if you are given equal rights to your shared property, that maybe a place to start looking from.

After all of the drama and mistreatment during the marriage, I am not wanting to keep wrangling with him about the house.  However, I know it is a mistake to just walk away because we have a lot of equity in the house and we both will need it for the future.

Anyone been through anything similar and have advice?  

What would entail if you engage a legal process? It is also important to know that once you've escalate matters, it will trigger a "panick" response in you partner which would lead to other sets of implications. You may want to mentally prepare yourself for that. Unfortunately, as much as he is your partner, it is my suggestion that you would start to archive all your chats, messages and incidents which you may need to back yourself up in justifying your divorce when perusing a lawsuit.

You may also need to, from this point. Systematically log your interactions, record your audio conversations and if he is having a "violent" episode have some video footage which would then give you the necessary evidence in reaching a settlement in your favour. 

Takecare and stay strong,
Spero

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi tic232,

The physical violence was not “normal” for him, but verbal abuse and threatening behaviors were very common.  In the past, he drank heavily, when something happened while he was drinking, he would claim not to remember it.  That was bad for me, because here I am remembering it and feeling so hurt and I was my only witness.  This particular time he said he was taking some pills and he doesn’t remember.  Of course, each time, he asked me to recount what had happened.  He also remembers some other details, but usually not his abusive behavior.

Strange, when we were dating, I noticed that whenever he was ill, he always felt every symptom so strongly.  I remember wondering about his low tolerance for discomfort in illness. As we have gotten older, he has been ill and has had several surgeries.   I can never do enough, or do the right thing, or spend enough time taking care of him.  It was frustrating and exhausting.

This latest incident has been enough for me, as well.  I am just so thankful to have left and my plan is to get a divorce.  

Thanks for the support,

Mustbe

[tlc232]

Mustbe --

   

I understand and feel for you very much.   The combination of all of the things to me has been overwhelming.   I stayed mostly out of (like many here!) guilt of this person not being okay without fixing things constantly.   But it is true that it is never seen as that.   So you give up your life... .your peace... .your hope for some happiness for someone that just won't ever see it that way at all.    BPD or no BPD... .it got to the point of concern.

I changed the locks immediately and got my self in order and settled.   That set him off ... .even though he was the one to walk out after the incident (he doesn't remember it that way, of course).   

It is helpful here --- because many have similar stories and can share the coping mechanisms.   I know seeing your posts have helped me also.   Very similar... .  it was redeeming to find a reason for all of these things that never made sense for a very long time. 

Hoping all the best for you as you move forward... .it does feel like one step forward and two back sometimes!      

[empath]

My first and preferred method of communication with my h these days is email. That has helped us to be able to communicate without the emotional baggage for the most part. It can also be useful to have a written record of the communication - my h would say that he 'didn't like email'. I think it is because he could be held accountable for what he said in writing.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Oh boy is this frustrating.  My hopefully  STBX UBPDH asked if I could come over this evening to feed and walk our dog as he was going out.  He didn’t specify a time and I stupidly didn’t ask.  So I arrived at the house at the time I usually fed the Dog when I was living there.  His vehicle was in the driveway so I called him to tell him I was there.  I thought maybe he had Ubered.  Anyway, the first thing he said was , “So, you are parking in the yard these days.”  That was a long running complaint he had.  When I didn’t park close to the edge, he would throw a fit because I was crowding him, conversely, when I park close to the edge he complained that I was in the yard, which BTW I wasn’t.

Next, he said, “Oh so you are wearing your hair more youthful.  I bet your man likes that.”  I am not interested in dating.  I am looking forward to being on my own and finding out who I am when not in a romantic relationship. There is no other man, and he is goading me.  On the other hand, I feel pretty sure that he is looking for my replacement. So be it, good luck.    So I said, I will just leave until you are gone.  And I left to run some errands.  

Within minutes, He calls me and texts me saying how was he supposed to pay the yard guy each week.  I said the same as usual from our joint account.  He says I am breaking him because he is retired and on a fixed income.  Then he complains that I am going to rush him out of the house before he has another place to go.  Sheesh - I am still putting almost my entire check (minus what I have always put into an emergency savings account) I am living at my daughter’s and am not taking any money out of the account except groceries and gas money and necessities.  I have always been frugal.

Obviously, he just wants to engage me in some kind of communication.  Positive, negative, neutral whatever.  

Spero, to answer your question, he is not usually consistent on following through with his threats.  Usually, his mood changes quickly and he calms down.  When he was forcing me out of the house, I started to bring the dog along with me and he said, “ You aren’t taking my pet anywhere.”  This afternoon, Now that he is wanting to go out and stay out at night, the dog is cramping his style.  He is threatening to take him to a shelter.  Mind you, this is a 10 year old dog we have had since a pup.  I love the dog and he does,too.  I think he is trying to force me out of my daughter ‘s house and out on my own.  I am almost ready to be on my own.  I responded, no problem.  Soon I will take the dog.

I know he will be panicked if I threaten him with legal action.  So, I have been trying to wait and get the house ready to sell.  

He is going on an out of town trip soon and has asked me to stay here with the dog.  I am going to set up some work to be done at the house while he is gone to get it closer to the updates needed to get the best price for the house.

It’s all tedious and when he makes accusations or blames me for his troubles or texts “I hate you!”  It really makes me upset.  I think though, being more detached, I am able to shake it off faster.  I will just will be glad to work through this and be divorced.

Thanks everyone for listening and for your support.