When I think about setting limits, I feel sad that my child will feel abandoned

[Monster12]

I believe my adult child suffers from BPD with PTSD and depression thrown in for good measure.   She talks about committing suicide a lot.  Recently I realized I that my actions weren't helping the situation and started looking for help.  My therapist suggested stop walking on eggshells.  It is an eye-opener.  But when I start thinking about setting limits and changing my focus, I am so scared and sad that my child will be alone.  I know I'm not giving up, but it feels like betrayal and abandonment.  The therapist suggested that I can't fix her, which is true, but my limits certainly don't help the situation.  I guess I just need someone to share this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hello Monster12. 

I would like to welcome you here, you have come to the right place for help, information and support.

It must be extremely worrying and frightening to hear your daughter talk about suicide, my heart goes out to you.

You have certainly made a good choice for yourself in seeking out help from your therapist, this will give you support and help to keep you strong. Your therapist is right, you cannot ‘fix’ your daughter, and you also acknowledge this. You can’t change her but you can help her though by changing your approach. There are lots of tools here to help you to do that. Maybe you could start out by looking at validation     You will find it here on the right, Validate the Valid. There is also a great video explaining validation and how not to validate the invalid.

I am so glad that you decided to share and hope that you continue to do so, we would love to hear more from you whenever you feel able x

[wendydarling]

Hi Monster12

I'd like to join Feeling Better and welcome you to the community, parents here are in similar situations to you, you are not alone   

But when I start thinking about setting limits and changing my focus, I am so scared and sad that my child will be alone.  I know I'm not giving up, but it feels like betrayal and abandonment.  The therapist suggested that I can't fix her, which is true, but my limits certainly don't help the situation.  

I can understand you are scared and worried making any changes Monster12, I was were you are now, I thought I was going to make the situation worse, however with small, gentle steps improved my situation and my confidence through my learning that my 29DD with support could help herself and take on her responsibility to turn her life around. As Feeling Better says you can help your DD by changing your approach and the tools and lessons here may help your DD feel less alone. There is hope.

Can you share what the limits you and your therapist referring to, and behaviours are you dealing with?

Welcome again, support of the family here helped me through, we are here for you.

I'm glad you found us.

WDx 

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Monster12

I'm so sorry you're going through this. it's so hard as parents, we want to protect our kids from everything bad in the world.

I would highly recommend reading the book "loving someone with borderline personality disorder." It is very compassionate and loving, and gives ways you can talk to your loved one that helps set boundaries AND makes them feel heard and loved.  It's a win-win, although can be hard to put into practice at first.

Sending you lots of hugs

[Monster12]

I don't know why I'm worried... .we seem to have plenty of contact.  Sarcasm.  She called four times before 8 a.m. this morning, as well as long phone calls every night.  In the last two weeks, we have been plenty involved.  We paid $2000 to the building where she works because she ran into a wall.  Her car was just repaired and is now damaged again.  She thinks she will be fired from her well-paying job so we will end up helping her financially.  We pay for her therapy and I just paid $600+ for her cat's surgery.  And she received a letter from an attorney that she has slandered someone.  Seriously?  If it didn't make me so sad and angry, I would laugh. 

[Huat]

Hello Monster12.

In reading your posts I see why you chose the alias you did... .you are feeling that you will be a monster if you set guidelines, afraid of what may happen to her if you do.   You are feeling that you are between a rock-and-a-hard-place. 

As loving parents, you have had this safety net out to help protect your daughter.  In turn, she knows it is there and it gives her no incentive, no need, to change her habits.   Any change in the routine is going to have to come from you.

Far be it for me to counsel you to pull any support from your daughter.  I don't know what I would do in your position.  Each of us have to make our own decisions and then live with whatever follows... .good or bad.  We try our best and pray that we have made the correct one.

It is good to read that you are meeting with a therapist.  God knows that all of us need as much support as we can get.  As with others, I feel participating on/in this forum is so valuable as we  journey along.  It gives us the chance to expose our feelings/fears and know we are being heard.  There is always the support and sometimes the nudge to help us along as we take baby steps to make the changes only we can make.

I'm glad you are here, Monster12, and I hope you feel the support we are sending your way.

Oh, and by the way, I don't think you are a monster.  I think you are a loving Mom who is at her wit's end and needs a ((HUG)... .and a much-need break.

Huat

[JustYouWait]

Monster -

(first of all, you are not a monster.  Your feelings of guilt are completely normal, and I respect those feelings.  They are real, and they do not define you.)

I have felt those precise feelings as well.  I understand the guilt.  The hopelessness.  The powerlessness, and the worry that you not doing what your BPD child "wants" is going to cause a blow-up, or in my case, self-harm.  I get it.

Below is a set of questions I am asking, not to be difficult or mean or say you're doing anything wrong.  You handle your situation the best you know how.  I ask because I would like to have you see this in a different light.  This light is not better nor worse, just different, so consider:

 

I don't know why I'm worried... .we seem to have plenty of contact.  Sarcasm.  She called four times before 8 a.m. this morning, as well as long phone calls every night.  In the last two weeks, we have been plenty involved.

Like another poster said, far be it for me to suggest you cut off your child.  I do need to ask... .
 
 

We paid $2000 to the building where she works because she ran into a wall.  Her car was just repaired and is now damaged again.

Why did you pay, if she has a well-paying job?  Did you run into the wall and damage the car?

 

She thinks she will be fired from her well-paying job so we will end up helping her financially.

Why is that your responsibility, to help her if she gets fired from the well-paying job?  Did you get her fired?

 

We pay for her therapy

Does she not have insurance, or can she not afford it from her job? 

I just paid $600+ for her cat's surgery.

Why did you pay for the surgery? 

 

And she received a letter from an attorney that she has slandered someone.  

Why is this your problem?  Did you slander someone?


So, these questions are difficult, and I understand the difficulty in answering them in any other way than "because this is my child".  I totally understand that answer, and it is incumbent upon you to understand that you are not your child.  She makes her own decisions.  Those decisions have consequences, like driving into a wall.  Like having a pet may cost money.  That slandering someone may be costly in court.  Like therapy and meds cost money.  Like decisions she makes may cost her her job.

You didn't do any of those things.  She did.

Take this or leave it, or any part of it that speaks to you.  Please keep in mind that I am not perfect - far from it.  My PBD 19 year old just self harmed last week, while she is in residential treatment, so my advice may be pure bunk.

But, I had to come to the conclusion that she cut herself.  I didn't.  And while I feel bad that she did it, I didn't break the glass and slash her arm.

See my point?

Welcome here.  It is a fine place for people like us.  In fact, the place is FULL of "us".  We understand.  Come early.  Come often.  Take what you need, and leave what you don't.

We're here.

You are not alone.

-jyw

[Monster12]

Thanks Huat and jyw for your words of wisdom.  Just posting and sharing makes me feel better and I hope I can offer the same support to others.  She did get fired.  Luckily I had a therapy appt. today so I was strong  We ended up having a good conversation even though she wanted to be angry at me/us for not believing in her intuition.  I told her I didn't want her to call me names or scream at me.  I also asked if she got what she wanted by that negative behavior.   I tried not to ask any questions about her plans because sometimes, I must admit, I need to shut up.  She has found jobs before.  jyw, the questions were great and really gave me something to think about.  I got a little worked up about all the expenses.  I know my posts have been full of random thoughts, but I am absorbing so much right now (reading and learning about BPD) that it is all spilling out.

BTW, Monster is an affectionate nickname my sister gave me years ago!  Thanks again. 

[Merlot]

I told her I didn't want her to call me names or scream at me.  I also asked if she got what she wanted by that negative behavior.  I know my posts have been full of random thoughts, but I am absorbing so much right now (reading and learning about BPD) that it is all spilling out.

Hi Monster12, so glad you are still here with us sharing your story.  Great that you have been able to set small boundaries about calling you names and screaming at you.  I have done the same with DD27.

BPD is such a confusing mental health diagnosis and our children's behaviour is full of twists and turns, it's no wonder you have thoughts all over the place, I totally understand and I'm sure most parents here will relate.

Baby steps helps.

Take care
Merlot