We were thriving during my sister's absence. Now she's back and I'm crushed.

[stormy seas]

Hi Friends,

I'm really in need of some support and encouragement.  My BPD  sister was recently out of the country for almost 2 weeks. My parents and  and I watched my amazing niece while she was gone. My niece Is almost 4 and she is so behind in language and development it breaks my heart.  While my sister was gone we took my niece to a ton of really fun developmental activities That she has never been to. She absolutely blossomed. I became so much closer with my parents,  and life was just like a weight has been lifted. Unfortunately I got so caught up in a good feeling that now she’s back and I’m crushed. Please give me some encouragement, advice, or Similar experience you had and how you dealt with it because I’m drowning.

[stormy seas]

* The minute she came back into the country that on the phone with my mother and the entire night was ruined even though she was not physically present. That was what really set me off into a kind of downward spiral.

[Harri]

Hi stormy!  How frustrating and hurtful it must be to see your niece thrive and make progress only to go back to be with a mother who seems unable to follow through.  Is your niece in school?  Do you know if she has been evaluated through Early Intervention?  It is great that you provided her with a speech and language rich environment while her mom was away.  Kids are going to do much better if they get support and language enriching activities in the home as well so keep doing the excellent work you are already doing with her.   A lot of the blossoming is probably also a response to such a loving and supportive trio watching over her.  You all are making a big difference in her life right now.  Unfortunately you can not change her mom but you can continue to give that little girl the love support and accepting and validating environment you have been.  (Sorry for no paragraphs.  My keyboard is being a jerk and wont let me use return   )

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Stormy Seas! 

What a wonderful blessing you and your parents are being to this little one! That's so good to hear. Harri has offered you some great encouragement too, and know that we are all cheering you. I imagine that the sadness is from the situation feeling hopeless now that your sister is back.

Tell me some more about your situation with your sister. Do you live close by her? How often do you get to see your niece?

Yes, please keep reaching out to your niece as much as you can. There are ways you can support her from afar, such as sending her a little picture you colored, or sending a photo of you. Did you get any pictures with her while you helped watch her? What other ideas might you have to remain in contact with her?

 
Wools

[stormy seas]

Hi stormy!  How frustrating and hurtful it must be to see your niece thrive and make progress only to go back to be with a mother who seems unable to follow through.  Is your niece in school?  Do you know if she has been evaluated through Early Intervention? 

Thank you Harri, I really appreciate your understanding! She isn't in preschool, although it's been suggested in roundabout ways (because everyone is afraid of the mom-beast ) I have tried in the best ways I can to get 'mom' to have her evaluated.  I got my teaching degree, so it's enough to make me scream.

thank you for the encouragement, I appreciate it

[stormy seas]

Hi Stormy Seas! 

What a wonderful blessing you and your parents are being to this little one! That's so good to hear. Harri has offered you some great encouragement too, and know that we are all cheering you. I imagine that the sadness is from the situation feeling hopeless now that your sister is back.

Thank you Wools, "know that we are all cheering you" was such a perfect thing to say   And yes, you are SO right.  I am just so frustrated with the hopelessness of this situation, and what it does to my family.  I got a glimpse of life without my sister, but there is no way that can actually happen. It's overwhelming.

My niece lives fairly close and I watch her every week for a few hours. I love it and treasure that time, but I can't do much for her that sticks in only a few hours a week. I like your idea of keeping in contact with her, even when I don't see her, that is awesome!  I didn't think about that. 

I love this little digital family
M

[Harri]

Ooof!  I can see where being a teacher would make this even more frustrating.  Do not discount how much you are doing for her in those 4 hours a week.  You are giving her time where she can relax, be herself and learn.  Picture me right beside wools with pompoms cheering you on.

I am sure you are aware of the leapfrog systems that can stimulate learning and speech and language specifically.  I wonder too is there are childrens' books on tape that she could listen to when on her own?  just trying to brainstorm how you can help the info you and your parents give her stick and extend to other times when she is alone.  Some creative gift giving may make a difference.  I love the idea of keeping yourself present in her life too.  Oooh!  You could read her books on tape! 

[YouHadMeAtHello]

I think you are doing the best you can in your situation.  Your niece is young now, but as she grows up I'm sure she will take a lot of comfort in knowing that you are nearby. 

I understand the freedom and frustration you are talking about though.  When my BPD sister is not around everything feels lighter and easier.  We don't have to be as guarded and life is just easier.  Luckily as of right now BPD sister doesn't have kids, but her fiance wants to have them so they probably will.  I feel bad for those kids already. 

[pbnjsandwich]

 
Just by being your amazing self is enough. You don't have to fix a thing with your sister.  She is a big girl and will have to muddle her way through life like the rest of of us.  Love your niece and show her what life can be like. Often times, that says much more than words.
Best of wishes to you, my friend.