Monday Morning Quarterbacking: What would you have done differently?

[Frank88]

Lucky Jim: Good question.  I had to think back a little to when we first started dating.  Why did I keep going?  A couple reasons.  1. She was hot. A complete knockout.  2.  She was fun, really liked to go out and have a good time.  ---- There are other little reasons such as sharing the same friends, not having a great dating pool where I was, etc.  I had dated great looking women before and have done so since.  I still do not like dating boring women or "normal" women.  In many parts of my life I'm drawn to these types of women, and to others like them in terms of my friends.  Call it a hot woman who liked to have fun meets a man who is stable and professional, but likes to have fun and is a risk taker.  I was not an innocent bystander in this. I feel for the guys who were just "nice guys" who got taken.  When it came to staying, I stayed too long because I thought I could fix it, and I loved her, and I cared for her, and who knows, maybe I had sunk so much time into it that I did not want to leave.  All these years later I am even more convinced that I met BPD.  When I was disconnecting from it, I thought maybe I was biased or angry or looking for a model of behavior I could fit her into.  But now, I think I was correct.  Life does get better as you know.

[stixx44]

Like Frank, I was a “fixer” and didn’t know about BPD.  I thought the alcohol abuse was the main problem.  It wasn’t. Even sober she would start arguments over nothing.

I thought, mistakenly, that more attention from me, more concessions, more ignoring signs would in time ease the situation.  I probably did everything wrong, but I’m glad she finally ended it for both of us.

I’m still curious about this disorder and my role in it.  Hence my continuing participation on these forums.

[Will2Power]

Oh wow. When I think about this, I think it’s easy or tempting to say “I wish I never met them in the first place.” While I do think that way, I sort of laugh to myself because ironically, I’m KIND OF glad to have had this experience- key words “kind of” haha... .I am dealing with PTSD, trust issues, sexual issues, intrusive thoughts, and adversion to some music, etc. BUT boy am I smarter, and more introspective now. I used to be afraid to travel, and now I can go almost anywhere. This was only because I was SO depressed, I lost my fears of dying from an airplane crash. After I went NC I flew across the States with no Fs given. I faced that fear, and it would never have happened if I didn’t lose myself because of his abuse. Side note: now I can hop on an airplane anywhere, anytime, AND I am not depressed. It’s cool. So he did that inadvertently... .

 The relationship with my exBPD has been the hardest thing I have ever been through- I lost myself. With that being said, I learned so much about who I am, and have seriously improved my life.

So, I can’t logically say “I wouldn’t have ever met him if I could go back in time.”

I guess I would change my fear of him (not like you can truly control that authentically, but you can act “as if”.). I was always so afraid of his rage, until the final argument where he pushed me down the stairs. I mouthed off to him for the first time- I lost my fear. Gives me the chills when I think about that turning point. I fell down after he pushed me, and he held out his hand to help me up after. I grabbed it, got up, looked him square in the face and asked “okay, give it your all.” THAT was quiet the moment... .he HATED seeing me in a position of “power”. It actually ended after that because he knew I had him figured out. (We know from his therapist that he is BPD, but I also suspect NPD.)

But in retrospect, I wish I would have had that moment of standing up for myself sooner. Because it was replusive to him that I wasn’t in actually in fear of him anymore. THEN AGAIN, that progression wouldn’t be as powerful if I wasn’t so terrified in the first place. I guess I’m going in circles, taking this soo literally. But the conclusion I have drawn while trying to answer this question is that there was truly nothing we as survivors could have done differently to avoid the inevitable emotional predatory of our BPDs... .now it’s a matter of controlling  our emotions and lives outside of them- and that is freeing.

I would have realized sooner that it’s not my job to “fix” this grown mans life. I didn’t cause his pathology, and I will never ever fix it. I poured THOUSANDS of dollars into him just to see him smile, so I also wish I didn’t do that. Not because I didn’t want to see him smile, but because that wasn’t an effective use of my money. He was ungrateful, and he wanted to be miserable anyway.  Also, I wish so much that I realized earlier on that he did not WANT to be fixed. He truly got off on people’s pity for him- the hallmark of a psychopath as per Martha Stouts book, The Scoiopath Next Door.

[Lucky Jim]

Also, I wish so much that I realized earlier on that he did not WANT to be fixed.

Good point, W2P.  We Nons tend to be "fixers," at least until we figure out that there is no magic bullet for BPD.

LJ