no contact with undiagnosed BPD mother

[DisneyMom06]

Hello! This is my first post here. My therapist recommended this group to me. I believe my mother has BPD with narcissistic traits. I recently decided to go no contact with her when she exploded on me out of nowhere on my birthday in January and when I told her how she hurt me and how there are hurts from my past from her, she spun it around and told me that I was the problem then said my husband was the problem and called me manipulating and twisted to say that she hurt me. After that I told her that I needed space and time to heal and I'd contact her when I was ready. She accepted that for 48 hours then texted me out of the blue talking about how much of a wonderful daughter I am and a blessing to her (i ignored) then she called me (i ignored) and then she got upset asking why I was ignoring her. A few more days passed and she started up again calling and texting, all of which I ignored. She then reached out to get other family members to ask me to ask me when she can have HER grandkids and that I was a horrible mother for keeping them away from her. Luckily everyone in my family are behind me and my decision 100% and said my mom has bullied all of them and they just ignore her antics. I eventually blocked my moms number so she couldn't call or text me. I'm hoping that joining this site will help me to not feel so alone and help me through this process. My mom has controlled me my entire life and I'm 32 now and decided I want to be ME and not under her control any longer. I'm an only child too and she and my dad divorced when I was 5 so that makes it worse cause all her energy is focused on me.

[Penny123]

Hello DisneyMom, it sounds all too familiar. My BPDMom does this to me when she wants something (like money). She makes unwise financial decisions and then expects  my brother and I to help her out. She bullies, lies, and manipulates my brother and I. She tells me I'm dead to her sometimes and then a couple of days (or even hours) later she says I'm a wonderful daughter. The tension has surmounted between us since she is rather delusional on how she views herself. I don't agree with her and she gets mad. If I don't say anything (which I do normally), it's a very one sided conversation with lies and delusions. This year I'm afraid her financial situation will become dire as she keeps getting herself in more debt and I've told her what she is doing is like jumping off an financial cliff and I'm not going to be able to save her from herself. She doesn't see it coming but it will. I've seen how she handles her money and her health (with buying illegal Klonopin). Right now, she is mad at me and we've come to an impasse so she isn't calling (only texting minimally). I appreciate the break and I'm not sure how long it will last. So far, it's been about 3 weeks of only minimal texting. Hang in there!

[DisneyMom06]

Hi Penny123! Yep that sounds like my mom! I am so glad to hear I'm not alone but it sucks when you can't have a good relationship with your mother. I'm learning that the close relationship that I THOUGHT we had was actually just a toxic relationship that I was use to. Just like your mom if I don't agree with her on something you can expect the tornado of anger to come ripping through. Anytime we would have any type of disagreement she would say well fine I'll walk away and you never have to hear from me again. I'd say noo mom u can have a disagreement without cutting someone out of your life! she said it this last time and I said ok yep let's take a break I will contact you when I'm ready. Clearly she wasn't expecting that

[Penny123]

DisneyMom06, that is the same way with me. Things are black/white with BPD's; there is no grey area. With them, people or situations are good or they are horrible. I can tell when Mom has called and how she says hello as to what kind of conversation I'm going to have. They create drama out of nowhere and try to generate sympathy when times are quiet for them too. Sounds like you shocked her and I'm proud of you for taking a break and sticking to your boundaries. My Mom has said horrible things to me and expects me to immediately accept her apology and I can't do that immediately.  It's not easy and you could get ridiculed and bullied/harassed for it too. Also, I'm sad to hear she has controlled you all your life but I'm glad you are realizing that's not good for you. Hopefully, you'll keep us updated how things are going.      

[GreenRoad]

Hi DisneyMom! I can definitely relate to what you are going through as I am also an only child with an undiagnosed BPD mom. My parents divorced when I was 23, so about 7 years ago, after a very rocky and unhappy marriage. It is tough being the primary person at the receiving end of my mom's negativity. I now understand a bit better why my dad chose to isolate himself from my mom while I was growing up. (Although, he's also a grown man and is responsible for his own choices and actions.) I have been cutting back contact with my mom over the course of the past year as I felt like she was making a very negative impact on my mental health. We used to talk on the phone daily, and I cut back to once every week or two, until about a month ago when she blew up at me and we haven't talked since. One of the things that really gets under my skin is my mom EXPECTS me to be the one to reach out to her and refuses to pick up the phone herself. Sometimes when I call her and she feels it's been too long, she starts the conversation by saying,"Oh, so nice to hear from you daughter, how nice of you to reach out to your mother . . . " I try to make a joke of it reminding her that her phone also has a dial feature too, but it doesn't seem like she really "hears" that.

During our last conversation she did exactly what your mom did to you, spun everything around and said me and my husband are the problem and how I have hurt her so badly by not "including" her in my life and how we are the ones that try to manipulate her. (The trigger to this was that I didn't invite her on a family vacation I'm planning with my inlaws.) Boy, did she get angry when I stood up to her, and she pretty much hung up on me because I said we'll just have to agree to disagree. She sent one Facebook message about a half hour later saying she was sorry how she hung up and she'll always love me, and she's been on a self imposed silent treatment ever since. In the past week or so she's been slowly trying to creep back in by commenting and liking things again on my Facebook page like nothing every happened. This is a cycle I've experienced with her for years, but I'm completely over the games so I'm trying to figure out the best way to more forward for me.  

I can also relate to a lot of what Penny123 said regarding the financial choices my mom has made over the past several years and black and white thinking. My mom is currently living with my 85 year old grandma because of her terrible financial choices. She ran up over 30k in credit card debt after she divorced my dad and eventually lost her house in a short sale. Who knew quitting your job when it got too stressful would leave you with no way to pay a mortgage? However, she tries to spin things to make it seem like she moved in with grandma to "help" her when that's not the case at all. Grandma is pretty spunky for being in her mid-eighties and does perfectly fine living independently. My mom seems to think that after grandma passes she'll be able to buy a tiny house and put it on MY property to live out the rest of her days. NOPE NOPE NOPE. My mom has black and white thinking to the extreme. She has thrown away good friendships over silly political disagreements and just can't understand how you can maintain a friendship with someone that doesn't have the same exact beliefs as you. She even got upset with me over my choice of paint color in my own kitchen last year. She suggested that I use the same color that she had in the house I grew up in, and when I said no that I'd like to do something different she turned it around on me by trying to say I think she was a terrible mother. Yes, that kind of crazy remark over paint color!

I don't really know that I have any helpful advise in this situation as I'm pretty much in the same boat right now. Knowing that I'm not alone has been an incredible help, and this board has been really beneficial for me. It's nice to have a community of people to talk to that have experienced some of the same things, and I think that alone helps in moving forward. I think just realizing that you want to be yourself and don't want to be controlled by your mother anymore is a HUGE step, and you should be really proud of yourself for getting there. I've also begun to read two books that have some helpful tools: Understanding the Borderline Parent, and Stop Walking on Eggshells. Keep trucking along, and things will get better for you!  

[Penny123]

Hi StephDawn, so relatable in all what you wrote. My Mom has been diagnosed as having Borderline Personality Disorder, anxiety, and depression by her therapist but she hasn't read any literature on what she has or how it affects her family/few friends that she has. She has so much denial. Even therapists have turn away BPD patients because it's hard for them to handle.  The emotional intelligence is pretty low for BPDs as well as their self image. Hopefully, you can create boundaries with your Mom and you have the support from your husband and family around you. Those books you recommend are excellent!
 

[CocoBelle]

[... .]In the past week or so she's been slowly trying to creep back in by commenting and liking things again on my Facebook page like nothing every happened. [... .]

[... .] Who knew quitting your job when it got too stressful would leave you with no way to pay a mortgage? However, she tries to spin things to make it seem like she moved in with grandma to "help" her when that's not the case at all. [... .]

Oh my goodness, wow! That's my mum too, all over!

My mum regularly tries to blackmail me with her dog, blaming me that she got him for me as a gift when I was a teenager and that now she is stuck with him, and sometimes she'll text me that he is suffering because SHE is suffering, and she is suffering because I'm not doing enough for her or helping her enough. But when I reply to messages or calls like that, the conversation suddenly shifts onto her and the dog is completely forgotten, which means it was never really about the dog, it was always about her. But the dog is the one and last thing where she still has a bit of a hold on me. The other day she asked me to take "my" dog back, so I said okay fine, I'll take him, but then she went on to talk about how awful her life is and how she is in such a financial mess and not doing well, coping with anxiety, depression, loneliness, etc, and how will she ever cope financially? I replied and tried to give her advice such as, it will take time to recover (she just moved abroad to follow me), it'll be okay, you need to learn to handle your own company and eventually - you need to get a job again - she then replied that I was a manipulative, twisted "hard nut" and that I was simply dishing out nasty advice because I was getting off on it and that I was feeding my own ego because my life was so messed up so I obviously feel the need to tell other people what to do. She then went on to say that I should go to a therapist and sort my own crap out before telling her what to do with her life, and "You obviously still have a long way to go to grow up and mature properly. That's going to take a long time with your cockiness and attitude. You need to learn to get off your high horse the way you treat others around you". - I didn't reply to that, and then the next day I got a message, "Hi there, can you watch the dog for me on Thursday?" and I said, seriously? After that awful message you sent me, you're actually asking me for help? So she just replied, with loads of smileys, "It's okay, a friend of mine can watch him. I was just asking, don't freak out - smiley, smiley... ." And I know that her last reply is because she's obviously met someone again that is willing to listen to her woes (about her awful, awful selfish daughter) and who is obviously someone who is willing to help her out with the dog, so now she's all cheerful again, sending me messages with smileys. Although I hate it when she explodes on me like that, I have to admit, it (almost) hurts even more to then be ignored, or cast aside like this, with smiley faces and fake cheerful messages, because obviously, today is a good day again for her and then she doesn't need me. Or perhaps she is feeling bad and she's trying to act nice again. She will never, ever apologise though.

And the finances, hahaha, wow! My mum got herself fired from her job ten years ago because she couldn't cope with the stress of getting up every day and showing up somewhere where you have to pull yourself together - and then never found a job (exactly like that one) again, and now she is the victim, the outcast of society that nobody will offer work to any longer, and oh the money, who is going to pay for the food in the fridge now?

Wow... .while sharing these awful experiences is saddening, because I hate to think that so many others have been through the same crap as I have, it is just so relieving to know that nothing is wrong with ME, I'm actually okay, and it's so amazing to read that other people have been through the same and have perhaps at times questioned their own sanity. Sometimes I've read posts on this forum and cried with relief. Thank you for sharing, everybody!

[DisneyMom06]

Wow! Thank you all for sharing your stories! It really is helpful knowing you're not alone in the experiences that you've gone through. I go back and forth in my mind whether i am doing the right thing by going no contact and of course my entire life hasn't been all bad. My mom and I shared some amazing times together but at the same time the reason we had those good times were because I did whatever it was she wanted. I never argued with my mom, never really disagreed with her to her face, I always kept everything inside just to keep the peace but enough is enough I cannot live like that anymore. My mom is also EXTREMELY religious. Anything that happens thats bad she attributes to satan attacking her. I heard from family members that my mom has been saying that the devil is using me and my husband to keep her from her grandchildren and that satan is at work within our relationship. I just laughed when they told me I'm like ummm no if she wanna use satan she better take a good look in the mirror if she wanna see who he's using  

I just finished reading both of those books! They reeeally are wonderful books. I read the stop walking on eggshells book first and today i just finished the understanding the borderline parent book. The understanding the borderline parent book helped me the most and i loved the exercises they had in the book that helped. I started keeping a journal recently writing down how i feel to try to get myself to learn how to express my emotions instead of bottling them up.

[Penny123]

Hi DisneyMom,

I love and care what happens to my BPDMom as well. I had a good childhood even though she didn't take a normal active role as a Mom and she was suffering from depression/anxiety and was being treated for it (when I was in my teens).  We had closeness bond too at times. I even disliked my Dad for awhile since she would tell me not nice things about him (which later I found out were not 100% true) during my teens and sadly, I think that also help me bond with her. My Mom is a Christian (actually a Pastor's Ex-Wife) but she uses it against me at times when she isn't getting the money or attention she requests or demands. I get those "honor they father and mother" bible verses or other verses to make me feel guilty. These days, it's having that good childhood that makes me still love her when she wasn't well. I know she's mentally sick too and had an awful childhood so I do have sympathy. It's a weird place to be at (feeling anger toward her but feeling sorry at the same time) and it can mess with my emotions (anger and anxiety) as well. Oddly, I think it's normal for us to feel this way. However, these last 3 weeks all those emotions have gone and things are normal. I can concentrate on work, my husband, and me (I have no kids).  I know it's because she isn't communicating much with me and that I don't know of the poor decisions she is making. Sometimes ignorance is bliss to me when it comes to my Mom.

[DisneyMom06]

Hey Penny123,

Omg yes! Same experience with my mom. She and my dad divorced when I was 5 and she told me horrible horrible things about him and made me not want him in my life.  it was when I became an adult and confronted my dad about "what he did to mother" that i found out it was not all true. My heart broke and we both cried. I felt so much guilt for believing my mom and disliking my dad when this whole time my mom was actually the one who treated him poorly and it broke my dads heart that she had told me so many fabricated stories about him. My dad and I are closer now but he wasn't really around when I was growing up and he said he didn't want to pressure me in to wanting to spend time with him he said I looked miserable in his presence and I told him I was angry because of what my mom was telling me about him
I think the hardest part of going no contact with my mom is me WANTING a mom in my life. Although toxic I still had her in my life, I was comfortable even if I was unhappy. Does that make sense? I want my mom in my life but I want her to respect me and love me for me instead of loving who she WANTS me to be and when I don't do what she wants I feel like she hates me
My mom would freak out if I was busy. If she called or texted me and I wasn't readily available to her she would wait maybe an hour then text me things like are you upset with me what's going on. I'm like mom we were at the movies I had my phone on silent. OR we were planning a trip to Disney World and she said ypu guys can't go in like May or June? I can't go with y'all in October. We never invited her  she invited herself all we did was tell her about the trip and she included herself and got mad when we politely said it was just a family trip with us and our kids. I felt terrible about it though and apologized even though I didn't do anything wrong, she said to me that she hated amusement parks anyway didn't she really wanna go.

[Penny123]

Hey DisneyMom,

I hope the break does you and your Mom both good. I'm sure it's hard for your Mom right now too. You are trying to find your voice with her and set boundaries and she is going to have to learn and respect your voice and feelings. It won't be easy but I think you are on the right path. I'm glad you want your Mom in your life. It means the good outweighs the bad at this stage in your life.

In 3 weeks, I feel refreshed and not weighed down. When my Mom wants to entire in my life again (other than texting), we'll see how each of us feel. I know we both love each other very much.             
Hang in there and reach out to her when you are ready.