Why does it feel like I am constantly defending myself and being accountable? Why is it always my fault? Why can I not defend myself and it be okay? Why must it be that I am always out to get her?
Because our ex-spouses have had a lifetime learning how to manipulate, slant and misrepresent truths. It is up to us to turn that around and admittedly that's very hard.
The thing that is frustrating me today is an unfounded accusation from my UexBPDw. She entered a statement with the court stating I had been diagnosed with a mental disorder... .Then to top it all off I see my ex-wife's counselor when I walk in. This is the person who has never spoken to me but stated in a document that I am a narcissist. How can you make this determination if you have never spoken to me?
I don't know the laws in your state but I would consider that her counselor veered into improper and perhaps even unethical conduct. It's pretty obvious that a professional would refrain from diagnosing someone they've never even interviewed. At most I would expect the counselor to write, "
Based upon what my patient has told me and documents my patient has shown me, Anamika may... ." If the counselor himself or herself wrote an unconditional statement and it was submitted to court then it needs to be specifically contested. (It's possible a complaint could be made to the state board for unethical conduct. A lot depends on what was actually written and how it was phrased. Again, a subject to discuss with your lawyer. For example, if lawyer agrees it was totally inappropriate/unethical and state it is being referred to the ethics or certification board, the counselor may retract it right there in court.)
Courts know a lot of allegations are thrown back and forth, they let a lot of it go because they expect once the divorce and custody struggles are in the past then (reasonably normal) parents will calm down and move on. What the court often isn't prepared to handle is that a parent may not be reasonably normal and thus eventually cooperative. Sometimes it can take months or years before the court decides to switch gears. Unless murder or something serious or newsworthy like that is involved, courts often ignore whether a parent is disordered. (As an example, a parent could be an alcoholic and as long as the children aren't substantively endangered, abused or neglected then court may not see that as a concern impacting parenting.) And as I indicate below, courts generally don't try to fix people, they deal with them as they are.
Instead of attacking me I wish she would put that much attention into the kids. I bet she would have a much better relationship with them. This trial is only days away. I pray this goes well and the judge sees what the core issue is here.
You can't force her to be a better parent. And unless she crosses a line that makes her behaviors 'actionable', the courts may not even try.
You may feel like complaining and for certain things that is appropriate. However, ponder which topics and issues for which you can also present solutions to the court. Over time the court may realize you're the only one coming with practical solutions that aren't subtle and not-so-subtle obstructions intended to block the other parent. What are the biggest obstacles you face? Can you and your lawyer propose ways to resolve them, even if it takes the judge to comment or rule?
