I knew that she'd be offended if she knew I was reading about BPD

[MaineMan]

I just heard an interesting podcast about male isolation in our society ["The Lonely American Man," Hidden Brain (3/20/18; NPR)] The causes seem numerous and may include: Heightened mobility - after establishing good friends as a child, one interviewee had to move every 2-3 years starting at about the age of 9; as an adult he'd already been through two marriages. Fear of failure - most people expect to be shunned over 1/2 the time if they start up a conversation with a stranger, but in actuality the researchers report success in close to 100% of attempts. Suspicion - (this was a subtle problem not addressed directly by the show) one of the interviewees repeatedly commented on how he worried about seeming like "a creepy old guy" if he tried to be as social as he observed women in his life being.

It's this last concern that I find most problematic. I hate it. I hate being suspected of it. Just last evening my wife walked in front of my computer after I had gotten up to the kitchen for something. I had been signing in to this account & I wasn't sure exactly what the screen showed. But I was sure that she'd be offended if she knew I was researching or reading about BPD. Back when I was reading Manning's *Loving Someone with BPD* she took it as criticism every time she saw me reading it. The book has since disappeared (I don't know what she did with it & I don't consider it worth asking about). The only way I got through *Walking on Eggshells* was by reading it as an e-book on my smart-phone.

But I'm reminded of that scene in *Crash,* when two black guys are walking through a posh L.A. neighborhood complaining about how everyone suspected them of nefarious intentions - only to soon thereafter, mug someone. All the stories from the Me Too Movement drive home: Men are considered to have too strong a libido for good reason. I must admit that, while I've never cheated in over 21 years of marriage (combining former with current), I probably think of it on a daily basis.

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I was sure that she'd be offended if she knew I was researching or reading about BPD. Back when I was reading Manning's *Loving Someone with BPD* she took it as criticism every time she saw me reading it. The book has since disappeared (I don't know what she did with it & I don't consider it worth asking about). The only way I got through *Walking on Eggshells* was by reading it as an e-book on my smart-phone.

... //... while I've never cheated in over 21 years of marriage (combining former with current), I probably think of it on a daily basis.

We have had members discuss this topic before - is it reasonable to have an affair when home life is so isolating?

How do you feel about that?

[Mutt]

Hi MaineMan,

My marriage was pretty isolating like yours she was emotionally detaching while projecting that I didn’t want to have sex with her. We didn’t have sex the last two years of our marriage I think that sex is an important aspect because it brings you closer together.

I’m not suggesting what to do, some people are in the black and white when it comes to marriage, what I mean by that is that they want to the divorce to finalize it close to before they move on some people are in the grey area. At least that’s what I have observed over time here - i chose not too because that’s the how I am.  Interesting topic.