Dealing with Anger

[hellosun]

Hello Everyone!

I’ve never posted in this section (usually I post about my uBPD husband). Unfortunately, my mother-in-law was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and so my husband and I decided to go stay with her in order to help her as she declines.

Well, as I’m sure you’ve prediced, this was a big mistake. I’m not a psychologist, but seeing as she is the most openly entitled and selfish person I’ve ever met I’m thinking she’s got NPD of some kind?

Since we’ve arrived, my mother-in-law has:

• lied about the nature of her cancer treatment in order to get a reaction or sympathy (She actually told people that a safe proceedure she was extremely lucky to be able to recieve carried a 30% risk of death on the operating table... .Who does that?)
  
• verbally abused my diagnosed BPD sister-in-law in front of my husband, upsetting both of them
  
• told my BPD sister-in-law lies about me (My MIL has never asked me how I feel about anything, yet she told my SIL that I have negative feelings towards her!)
  
• complained about my husband not feeding her, even though he cooks for her every day and fills the freezer with leftover meals for her
  
• whined that I didn’t check in on her one afternoon when I was in bed sick with a fever
  
• expected everyone, including store clerks and the USPS (), to anticipate her every need and act with perfection (If this does not happen, she will angrily complain for an excessively long period of time about it.)
  
• gone into forclosure, and blamed everyone but herself for it (She hasn’t paid the mortgage, but somehow that’s not her fault? What?)
  

I have never disliked someone more than I dislike her.

In fact, I hate her.

I am so angry with her that I am avoiding her, and cutting her off when she complains with terse statements of fact such as “sometimes people aren’t perfect,” and “sometimes you have to wait because you aren’t the only customer in line.”

The later part is fine, but I’m not sure that avoiding her is the best course of action in case it results in supressed emotions... .Even though she is the worst person I have ever met, I want to take the higher ground and treat her with respect.

If I’m being honest, though, all of the bad behaviours above don’t upset me nearly as much as her emotional abuse and neglect (both physical and emotional) of my husband as a kid. And furthermore, I am really upset that I agreed to bring him back here to be exposed to her again.

How do I deal with this anger? How do I move forward without giving her a piece of my mind? I’ve never had any reason to truely hate someone before, which makes me fortunate indeed. It also makes me unprepared insofar as how to deal with it... .

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Hellosun, 

Thanks for popping over to hang out with us for a while.  I think you'll find many others here who will be able to relate to your story.

Something I wondered as I was reading your post is if you will be more triggered by MIL because of having to deal with uBPD spouse too? For example, in my own life, my uBPDm was difficult enough to deal with and then I married DH who has N traits that continually retrigger me and remind me of my mom. How do you manage with DH? Will some of the things you've learned apply to her as well?

 
Wools

[LeneLu]

Hi HelloSun,

I will follow this post closely as I deal with the same feelings of anger toward my uBPDsis.  Because, sometimes my anger devolves into hate and I feel that I will never, ever get back to a place where I will love her. Right now, when those feelings arise, I am trying to embrace them, observe them and honor them in the hopes that they will pass.  I am not a perfect person, but self-care is important.  I am NC with her right now, so I can't advise on how to interact with your MIL.  I am certain that you will get sage insight here though.

Leenlou

[Penny123]

Hi HelloSun,
I'm sorry to hear your mother-in-law is sick with cancer and applaud you that you and your husband are trying to help. I can't imagine it's easy under the best of circumstances. How does your husband handle this and is he a support for you? Also, is this the only alternative is for you all to live with her? What about outside care? My MIL had Alzheimers and my husband is her only son. My husband brought up the suggestion us moving into her house. She had outside help but not 24/7. I told him no and we paid for assisted living with the help of VA benefits and her pension. Anyway, hopefully, there are some alternatives for you and your husband is supportive. If not, have you thought about seeing a therapist?

[hellosun]

Thanks, everyone! 

What kind responses. I'm sorry for taking so long to respond--I was afraid to check back because I felt embarrassed for expressing anger on these boards, when I know everyone has to deal with so much anger from the pwBPD in their lives... .ANYWAY, yes, Penny123, I think I do need to see a therapist! I've tried a few, who've helped in their way, but I'm not sure how to find the right therapist to discuss life with a pwBPD... .

I am more assertive than my husband, so I am better at dealing with his mother. He lets a lot of anger build up inside because he is too afraid to confront her when she acts badly.

Right now, MIL is threatening to go no contact with her sister, who has been generous, kind, and supportive to her ever since she was diagnosed... .So why the anger and abusive behaviour towards her? Apparently her sister should be able snap her fingers and save my MIL's house form foreclosure.

My husband is disgusted by this, of course. I try to be supportive and let him vent about it, but he cannot do the same for me. It's too much for him I guess? On the day I started this thread, I did vent a bit to my sister and mother, and I came to the place where I felt heard and could feel some compassion for my MIL.

I would LOVE for her to have assisted living, Penny123, and I think it would be better for her, really. She enjoyed having a nurse and physiotherapist come in weekly to help her recover from a recent flu. (Some irony: she thought the physiotherapist talked far too much about herself! I had to laugh about that because MIL doesn't normally let anyone get a word in edgewise.) Because she is still capable of making all her own care decisions, I can't arrange it for her. I could try to convince my husband that it's time to move out, and she would have to arrange some other care, but I don't think he'll agree to that yet.

leenlou, I don't think I will ever love my MIL, unfortunately. She's funny, she's sassy, but she's not someone you can form a bond with because she's so self-absorbed. Sisters share a closer relationship, somehow, I think. I can't imagine going NC with my sister, even though she can be challenging (I honestly suspect her of having mild uBPD), so I really feel for you.   It must be so difficult. I hope that self-care is making a difference in your emotional well being. I need to get better at that, for sure!

Woolspinner2000, I think you're probably right! At this point, I would say that my MIL is more self-absorbed and less empathetic than my uBPDh, but just a couple days ago he said something like "I'm so much like my mom, I'm so sorry for ever being a jerk to you." So yes, they are similarly emotionally dysfunctional... .If only my husband could like, take that self awareness and actually CHANGE his behaviour, that would be great. Baby steps.

Yesterday he had a particularly difficult time with his mom, and then had a meltdown towards me where he threatened to cut off contact with me until the weekend... .I was thinking: "wow you are literally acting like your mom just did, what is wrong with you?" But I'm doing my best to  be accepting of his emotions and need for space, even though I kind of feel like making a post in the "Conflicted" board... .At least I'm away travelling right now, so I don't have to deal with the drama in person. That's probably made him feel even less stable, though, what with the fears of abandonment and all.

I need to get better on letting go of the drama and emotional pain! I get so anxious about him, to the detriment of my sleep and self-care... .Ugg I really do need to find a therapist.