Did you let go of interests? Are you taking them back?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Many of us lose big parts of ourselves while in these relationships. We sometimes set aside the things that identify us as individuals. Things like our interests go to the way side because we become so busy with trying to focus on fixing the relationship.

I’m curious to know if any of you have given up interests due to your pwBPD, etc. Are you taking your interests back? Finding new ones?

[JNChell]

Many of us lose big parts of ourselves while in these relationships. We sometimes set aside the things that identify us as individuals. Things like our interests go to the way side because we become so busy with trying to focus on fixing the relationship.

I’m curious to know if any of you have given up interests due to your pwBPD, etc. Are you taking your interests back? Finding new ones?

[Heartachex2]

Many of us lose big parts of ourselves while in these relationships. We sometimes set aside the things that identify us as individuals. Things like our interests go to the way side because we become so busy with trying to focus on fixing the relationship.

I’m curious to know if any of you have given up interests due to your peBPD, etc. Are you taking them back?

JNChell,
When I was married to my ex-wife (diagnosed BPD-NPD), I gave up on my passion for basketball and working out. When I started marriage counseling that's the first thing I did, started playing basketball again and working out. Haven't stopped since until my recent uBPD-NPD ex-gf and trying to save our relationship. Minute I recognized what I was doing (1 month in), I quit the relationship instead of my interests. Quitting the relationship still hurts, but I'm still fit :P

[lighthouse9]

Definitely lost interests. Stopped playing my guitar, stopped listening to some of the music I really like, tried not to be too political (though, that one was easy - US politics started to turn my stomach), etc etc.

My STBXw would flip her interests pretty often and I actually thought this was fun, so I tended to get involved with whatever she found interesting, while keeping some of my stuff in the background. The trouble was that when she decided she was over something, I still liked it, and then it was no longer something we did together. I think I tried to build too much of our time together around these interests that always changed for her, and given that they never fully developed we also stalled in our development as a couple. By that point, I was without my interests, without her interests, and then she decided that she liked things that I couldn't do because of health reasons - leaving me out. Then she had an affair while doing one of those things, but it was somewhat my fault (ha!) because I was no fun.

So yeah - definitely back into my things since right before the break up and even cultivating some new ones. One night, before moving out she said "you're so different now!" and I said "no, I'm just back to doing the things I enjoy. I did these things before we met and somehow lost track trying to save us." She goes, "yeah, that's what I mean, you're better. This is you without me. Better."

I just laughed. I was just putting my oxygen mask on first before trying to help her with hers. Instead, she saw me as better off without her and couldn't see the mask sitting in her own lap.

[JNChell]

JNChell,
When I was married to my ex-wife (diagnosed BPD-NPD), I gave up on my passion for basketball and working out. When I started marriage counseling that's the first thing I did, started playing basketball again and working out. Haven't stopped since until my recent uBPD-NPD ex-gf and trying to save our relationship. Minute I recognized what I was doing (1 month in), I quit the relationship instead of my interests. Quitting the relationship still hurts, but I'm still fit :P

Hey Heartachex2!
I’m glad that you’ve found that holding on to your interests is the healthier route to take. I’ve failed to do this over and over again. It’s reassuring to hear your testimony. It baffles the mind how time consuming these relationships can be by simply trying to keep them in tact.

[grd123]

JNChell you are most correct in that we lose ourselves. I also slowly ended participating in most of the hobbies and activities I enjoyed so much. I realize in hindsight I was withdrawing from life. I now play hockey 2-3 times per week , go to the library again, volunteer and am planning on doing some fly fishing again this year. I feel like I am living again and not in survival mode.

[JNChell]

I think I tried to build too much of our time together around these interests that always changed for her, and given that they never fully developed we also stalled in our development as a couple.

Hi lighthouse9!
Exactly! This reminds me of the saying constantly “moving the goalposts”. It’s basically impossible to center around anything in the relationship when things like this are constantly changing. Just when you start to feel a little comfortable, boom!

I’m sorry that you had to experience what you described. Her affair was not your fault. That is her’s to own whether she accepts it or not. Like most of us, you went above and beyond for the sake of her happiness. Thank you for sharing.

[JNChell]

I now play hockey 2-3 times per week , go to the library again, volunteer and am planning on doing some fly fishing again this year. I feel like I am living again and not in survival mode.

This is great to hear, grd123! I’m glad you’re getting your footing back. Does it feel liberating?

Admitting and accepting that we allowed ourselves to become so enmeshed in these relationships is a hard pill to swallow. It takes introspection to do that. Thank our good graces that we possess the ability to look within. It’s the only path to true healing.

[Heartachex2]

Hey Heartachex2!
I’m glad that you’ve found that holding on to your interests is the healthier route to take. I’ve failed to do this over and over again. It’s reassuring to hear your testimony. It baffles the mind how time consuming these relationships can be by simply trying to keep them in tact.

JNChell,
I completely agree. I didn't realize how much work this relationship was until 9 months in when I found myself unable to accomplish what I was accomplishing in my career, life, etc post-divorce. That realization along with her sudden bursts of anger and a whole host of other factors made me walk away and go NC. I'm still having a hard time because I do miss her and the little family that we had created.

[JNChell]

I'm still having a hard time because I do miss her and the little family that we had created.

Ah man, Heartachex2. This hits so close to home with me. At the the time, keeping our little family together was my biggest goal in life. I know how hard it is to let that go. I’m still in a lot of pain from that, but through therapy and spending a lot of time here, I’m realizing that putting the amount of time I did in trying to salvage our family was another reason why I became so lost. There’s no room for a non’s self care in these relationships. That realization doesn’t really take the pain away, but it has helped to rationalize letting go. Hope that makes sense.

[Heartachex2]

JNChell,
That's what kept me together with my dBPD-NPD ex-wife and it's also what kept me together with my uBPD-NPD ex-gf. I wanted a family and especially with my uBPD-NPD ex-gf who was an excellent homemaker (little did I know that her need for perfection in the kitchen, home, etc was simply just her disorder).

[mstnghu]

This thread definitely strikes a cord with me. My wife and I first started dating back in 2007 and looking back at my life now, it's crazy how many things I used to love doing that I no longer do or very rarely do.

It's not that I can't do them if I really decided to. It's just that it's not worth the fight and the headache every time. I used to hike almost every weekend. I used to eat out at a different restaurant almost every weekend. I used to work out at the gym religiously. I used to have music playing at home all the time. I used to enjoy my long commute home with the windows down and sunroof opened and music cranked up... .I hate my drive home now- because it means I'm going home.

A few weeks ago, my wife took my son with her out of town to go to her mom's house. It's the first time in YEARS that I had an entire weekend to myself (which she made me feel guilty about).  After getting housework done, I pretty much watched TV the entire weekend. I didn't even use the opportunity to get back into the things I enjoy in life. My wife has clearly done a good job of conditioning me over the years to not think I'm allowed to do the things I enjoy anymore.

[JNChell]

It’s not that I can't do them if I really decided to. It's just that it's not worth the fight and the headache every time. I used to hike almost every weekend. I used to eat out at a different restaurant almost every weekend. I used to work out at the gym religiously. I used to have music playing at home all the time. I used to enjoy my long commute home with the windows down and sunroof opened and music cranked up... .I hate my drive home now- because it means I'm going home

[/b]

Hi mstnghu! Thanks for joining the thread. Man, I’m sorry that you’ve felt this way for so long. It must be very hard to remember the things that you love that made you feel whole, and to recognize that you’ve been oppressed into eliminating those things from your life. This is common in these relationships. BTW, how old is your Son?

Was having the house to yourself for a weekend peaceful? I’m just wondering if you felt the tension ease up a little. If a stress causing trigger left me alone for a couple of days, I would probably melt into the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house, and let my body relax.

Are your plans to stay in this marriage? It sounds like you have given more than you’ve gotten back. I wasn’t married to my ex, so I hope I’m not overstepping here.

If you want to hike, try different food, hit the gym and listen to music? I suggest you do. If and when you do, your wife will likely become agitated. There are skills lessons on this site to help deal with that. Browse. Aside from that, how do you feel about staying with your pwBPD?

[Mrb87]

when i was lost in my BPD relationship and before i know what it was. I stop doing my favorite activity which was working out at the gym and staying fit. while i was in the relationship i lots gains and confidence in myself. my friends could see it in my face and body. when i became aware of the disorder and did my research. i was able to protect myself a bit more and get the old me back before i was too far gone. Working out helped me with my confidence and helped me relieve stress and create a boundary for myself in the relationship.

[JNChell]

Hi Mrb87!

Thanks for posting! I’m glad you were able to get some boundaries set in your relationship. I agree completely with you that the gym is one of the best places we can find ourselves, regardless of our situations. This is something I’ve been trying to reimplement into my routine, which needs a major overhaul. I was once in tip-top shape, and feeling and looking good. I can get it back. Bravo to you for doing so for yourself.

Are you still in a relationship with your pwBPD? If so, how are things going for the two of you?

Thanks for stopping by, Mrb87!

[Harley Quinn]

I let go of everything!  No boundaries whatsoever    However since I left my ex I got back in the gym, took up my yoga again and mindfulness meditation.  I've also taken courses and am currently studying art, ceramics and photography.  Recently I learned to ice skate and how to do somersaults onto an airbag.  The biggest difference I've noticed is how much more fulfilled I feel, more alive and more myself.  I lost her there for a while.  There is the added bonus in doing new things of meeting new people with similar mindsets/interests who are more on a level with where I am individually.  I'm practising my newfound boundaries with some. 

What have you rediscovered and how have you found making such changes in your life affects your state of mind JNChell?

Love and light x

[JNChell]

Well, Harley Quinn, that’s a work in progress. I basically dropped everything too. Right now, with my Son, I’m focused on getting a solid routine/schedule in order. I just sold a property, and this will get me out of my friend’s place and in to my own. I’ve tried my best to be a quiet presence while staying with him.

Right now, I’m mainly concerned with my well being. I have BPDFmily, a solid T and I’m getting back in the gym along with being pickier on what I put in body. Introspect and education can be lumped in there as well.

As far as my interests go? Healthy parenting, music (making/listening), fishing/hunting/outdoors, health, politics to a point, handy work, making my relationships stronger, advancing in my career. Stuff like that. I’m hoping I can add to this list along the way. I’m also hoping that I can become well rounded at meeting new people again. To be able to strike up random conversations with total strangers. I was good at that. Now I’m like a turtle in a shell.

[mstnghu]

Hi mstnghu! Thanks for joining the thread. Man, I’m sorry that you’ve felt this way for so long. It must be very hard to remember the things that you love that made you feel whole, and to recognize that you’ve been oppressed into eliminating those things from your life. This is common in these relationships. BTW, how old is your Son?

Was having the house to yourself for a weekend peaceful? I’m just wondering if you felt the tension ease up a little. If a stress causing trigger left me alone for a couple of days, I would probably melt into the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house, and let my body relax.


Honestly, I had a great weekend by myself. I know that if I had more weekends like that to myself, I would go out and do more of the things I enjoy. It was actually nice to just sit around knowing that I could relax and breathe easy without living under a microscope. I watched a lot of TV and didn't call or text anybody all weekend. I was still productive. I got all the housework done, went to the gym, ordered take-out for dinner and actually got to order what I wanted, etc. When she came home with the kid, I was feeling pretty relaxed. Unfortunately, it was short-lived.


Are your plans to stay in this marriage? It sounds like you have given more than you’ve gotten back. I wasn’t married to my ex, so I hope I’m not overstepping here.

It's complicated. Ultimately, I don't think it's possible to have a happy relationship with her. I don't think she's capable of changing and we've been dealing with the same issues since early in our relationship. No amount of communication on my part ever seems to bring her to her senses. I wouldn't say that she doesn't give. She's actually a very hard worker and pulls her weight around the house... .but I always feel like it's more of a pretense so others see her in a positive light. She's constantly "doing things", but I always feel like there are strings attached. Her mother is also very much the same way. They both do "so much" but it always seems to be an act so they can present a facade of being very selfless and generous. I'd rather my wife do nothing for me, but be nice and respectful. I'd happily go back to my pre-marriage days of doing my own cooking, laundry, etc. Emotionally, I definitely give far more than I ever get back. There's literally no satisfying her. She's like this with many other people too, not just me. Nobody can win with her. So, basically my short answer would be that divorce is an idea that I've thought long and hard about many times and I'd be at peace with that decision.

I have slowly and steadily been gaining my independence back over the last couple of years. I'm definitely doing more of the things I enjoy, but it's been baby steps. I've come to realize that her neverending guilt trips about me doing anything I want to do to be happy are really just an attempt to control me based on her own feelings of inadequacy and insecurities.  Sometimes, the fight really isn't worth it. I have so many co-workers and friends looking into our relationship from an outsider's perspective and they can't believe the dynamic that me and the wife have. Even many woman friends and co-workers are blown away by how much my wife tries to control me.

[JNChell]

mstnghu,
I’m glad you had a nice time and were able to decompress a bit. It sounds exhausting on your end. Be sure to keep us posted on how things are going and any new developments, if you’re comfortable in doing so. There’s always someone here 24/7. I’m looking forward to seeing more of you on the board! We’re glad you’re here with us!

[Shawnlam]

I lost interest in doing the most things I liked (weightlifting,walking,,reading,work,motorcycles) it’s like a put my life on hold for this woman and she did none of that for me simply because BPD have no personality they just fake stuff.

[JNChell]

 
Hi, ShawnIam!
Thanks for joining the thread! I read your OP. It sounds like you’ve been through quite an ordeal. I’m sorry about that. Please forgive me for not replying to your OP. It was triggering to read it. So similar in so many ways. It’s ok, I just don’t think I could’ve provided any decent feedback is all.

It’s difficult to find time for ourselves and our interests in these relationships when we’re constantly trying to keep the relationship in tact. I believe that this is where we start to lose ourselves. We are giving up part of our identity, after all. I’m happy to see that you’re taking steps to make your situation better.

Have you started to take your interests back at this point? I encourage you to keep your original thread rolling. There is a ton of support and knowledge on this site. I also encourage you to take advantage of the other resources here. The articles, videos and learning tools are very helpful. Be sure to keep us posted on how you’re doing with taking back what’s your’s. Welcome aboard, ShawnIam!

[PianoDood]

Did I let go of interests?  I don't know if I let them go, but I most definitely sat them aside completely during the relationship.  Initially, my wife loved to hear me play the piano and sing.  She would ask me to play for her and would sit on the piano bench next to me and watch and listen.  This was during the idealization phase.  The rest of the relationship?  Nothing.  Never asked me to play.  Nothing.  Stopped encouraging me to perform publicly.  The parts of me she put so much energy into reaffirming initially weren't even acknowledged.  I understand that in even healthy relationships, sometimes people take for granted or may not pay as much attention to things that are important to their partner.  But, in my relationship with my wife, those things were literally ignored altogether.  Everything centered around what kept her stable, what kept her from being triggered... .walking on egg shells.  Afraid of her repeating her devaluation and abandonment/discard cycle.  And anything that took attention away from her was viewed as a threat by her.  If my wife accused me of doing something inappropriate on Facebook (even though I offered all the proof required to negate the accusation) when I would get up and sit in the living room for 30 minutes or an hour on nights I couldn't sleep and didn't want to keep her awake (she had to get up early for work), there is NO WAY she would have been able to handle me playing at a piano bar 2-3 nights per week.  I can only imagine the accusations I would have endured.  I just kept hoping that someday, she would be able to trust me.  But, I've learned that most of that was projection.  I don't believe my wife was unfaithful, but I think that somehow, she was projecting her feelings of inadequacy on me by accusing me of things that not only weren't true and I could easily disprove, but sometimes, things that simply didn't even make logical sense.  In the example above, she would accuse me of doing something inappropriate (emotional infidelity, apparently) with a long-time female friend who lives 700 miles away, is happily married withe 3 children and I haven't seen in 31 years.  And the worst of it was that I wasn't even communicating with her when I would leave the bedroom until I was tired enough to sleep.  My cell phone had no security lock on it.  I told my wife that, as far as I was concerned, we could switch phones for a week and it wouldn't bother me a bit.  I had nothing to hide from her.  I told her that I wouldn't be offended at all if she went through my phone whenever she wanted.  To that, she replied, "No, if I have to go that far to trust you, it's gone too far already."  It was a catch-22.  She wanted to accuse me of things that weren't true and not accept the proof that they weren't true.  Finally, I just told her, "So, basically, you just want to be able to accuse me of doing things that I'm not since you won't accept the proof that I'm not doing them."  She just wanted to be able to continue to accuse me to keep me off balance and defending myself.  It was maddening and crazy-making.  She even came home one day and said that she had talked to someone in our apartment building who said I had someone with me in our apartment while she was at work.  Also not true.  And when I asked her who she talked to and who I supposedly had with me at our apartment, she wouldn't tell me.  It was absolutely bewildering.  Sorry, I got off topic, sort of.  The whole point is, I spent all of my time, energy and resources trying to keep her stable, making sure she didn't accuse me of anything, making sure she was happy, making sure she knew I loved her, making sure she knew I was faithful to her... .while she trampled my boundaries, spent all of her energy and resources on other things and other people... .total imbalance.  My point is, it went to such an extreme, almost imperceptibly over time, that I lost touch with and interest in the very things that make me tick as a person.  It became all about her and the relationship and over time, sucked me dry in every way.  

[JNChell]

Hey there, PianoDood!

I’m glad you showed up here! You’ve been a great presence on the board.

The whole point is, I spent all of my time, energy and resources trying to keep her stable, making sure she didn't accuse me of anything, making sure she was happy, making sure she knew I loved her, making sure she knew I was faithful to her... .while she trampled my boundaries, spent all of her energy and resources on other things and other people... .total imbalance.  My point is, it went to such an extreme, almost imperceptibly over time, that I lost touch with and interest in the very things that make me tick as a person.  It became all about her and the relationship and over time, sucked me dry in every way.

Man, I feel for you because I know. Many of us here do.    I’m learning a lot by being active on this site. Being a rescuer/caretaker isn’t a bad thing. It’s a commendable trait in a lot of us. When we suffer for extending this trait? It becomes bad on many levels. I believe that I started picking up ”fleas” when I began to become resentful towards her and conflict ensued. Are you familiar with the term?

PianoDood, you did these courtesies for her because you love her. You were able to selflessly do those things because of love. Nothing more, nothing less. Our pwBPD simply can’t. They can’t give that trump card (control) away. It’s only “take” with them. Giving means vulnerability. I don’t know about you, but I want to be able to vulnerable to my partner, and her to me. What’s the point if it’s otherwise?

We’re glad you’re here, PianoDood. Thanks for being a contributor to the board. Stay active here. Keep posting and contributing to threads. Your personal testimony is helping others.

[Shawnlam]

Jesus what I just read in black bold letters is insanely accurate made the hairs on my neck stand up!

[JNChell]

Who’s post, bud?

[Shawnlam]

The one above I believe from pianodood

[JNChell]

Feel like posting?

[Kaboodle]

JNChell,
I completely agree. I didn't realize how much work this relationship was until 9 months in when I found myself unable to accomplish what I was accomplishing in my career, life, etc post-divorce.

I was punished by my uBPDx for having any interests apart from him, including volunteering, friendships and employment. And he did everything he could to derail my career in the film and television industry: raging, silent treatments, infidelities, constant angry text messages, and/or discards, if I took so much as a two-day gig away from him. I became afraid to say yes to paid work, because it would mean more emotional abuse for me. After the final discard, he sent me an email wishing me good luck in my career. Pfffffffffffft!

[Jeffree]

Hell no! I was definitely NOT giving up my main hobby of golf for her, and she of course made it a huge bone of contention, which I took to mean that she was selfish and inconsiderate. I did make some concessions as to when I played, but even that wasn't good enough because apparently if I really cared, then catering to her every whim would be my main activity in life.

Now that she is gone, I have gotten deep into making improvements to my house and love it.

J

[JNChell]

 
Hi Lavonia!
It sounds like NC is working well in your situation. How’s the career and life in general after taking this stance?

[JNChell]

Jeffree, I love to fish. Catch ‘em, clean ‘em, cook ‘em. I’m talking about  preparing a big spread from a day’s catch. I purposely bought our house on a property that had a pond with prime fishing so I could stay “home” and do my thing right outside. Mind you, this property was quite nice. So much to do and explore outside. If she was home while I fished, she would either send texts asking how long I was going to be, or carry our baby boy to the pond to tell me that he needs time with his daddy. I didn’t abuse the privilege of having this resource on our property! She agreed with having a plot of land in the country where we had space and peace. She spent her time on the couch.

Bottom line, I went all in with a woman/girl that I didn’t know yet. I put my self into tremendous debt and under a large amount of pressure because we got pregnant. In my mind, at the time, I was doing what was necessary. I ignored everything about me, and went into caretaker mode.

I’m beyond grateful for our Son, but I did some really stupid things when I found out he was on the way. He’ll have better guidance than my ex and myself ever had. I think he’ll be ok.