Ex Bringing Her H Back Into Their Lives

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

They've been separated since January of 2017. LC, then not.  Last interaction: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=322041.msg12946943#msg12946943

I asked the kids last night about him and they said that mommy had him go to the store to get groceries for them.  So after almost a year of them not seeing him,  he's back.  I know it's really none of my business,  but it kind of is given their past DV exposing the kids to it.  I'm not friends with him on FB, but I'd check him from time to time.  He disappeared this week. 

My T said a year ago,  "he needs to go away." Both of them are messing with the kids.  At this point,  nothing I can do.  I really wish they were healthy.  At one point,  I was up for co-parenting with him too until the DV started. I can't imagine her losing her subsidized housing yet again,  but given that she's moved 4 times in 4 years,  I expect anything.  She's not wearing her ring around me unlike a year ago,  but I'm not reading too much into that. 

I've been reading Erin Pizzey's Emotional Terrorist And The Violence Prone. Pizzey observed that children who grew up in violent homes became addicted to violence and took it with them into their relationships. They don't know how to interact with people otherwise.  My ex uses this to rationalize her violence with her H and also when she's lost control with the kids.

My ex's H also grew up in a violent home,  with much repressed anger,  as he once told me one time when he was relating to me how our kids drove him nuts. I did sympathize that she blocked him from disciplining them.  I didn't have a problem with that within reason. 

After my DV talk with both of them,  it didn't take.  I don't think the kids are safe with them if they decide to cohabitate again.  She's still stuck on "fixing" him through therapy.

Nothing I can do until that happens.  Knowing both of them well enough, I'm not hopeful. She told me over a year ago that he told her he should call the cops on her and he would end up with the kids.  To me,  that's him threatening to take the kids,  even though that wouldn't happen the way he told her. No way. All I can do is watch and prepare.  Hope for the best,  prepare for the worst. At least he's a known entity. 

[Turkish]

They've been separated since January of 2017. LC, then not.  Last interaction: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=322041.msg12946943#msg12946943

I asked the kids last night about him and they said that mommy had him go to the store to get groceries for them.  So after almost a year of them not seeing him,  he's back.  I know it's really none of my business,  but it kind of is given their past DV exposing the kids to it.  I'm not friends with him on FB, but I'd check him from time to time.  He disappeared this week. 

My T said a year ago,  "he needs to go away." Both of them are messing with the kids.  At this point,  nothing I can do.  I really wish they were healthy.  At one point,  I was up for co-parenting with him too until the DV started. I can't imagine her losing her subsidized housing yet again,  but given that she's moved 4 times in 4 years,  I expect anything.  She's not wearing her ring around me unlike a year ago,  but I'm not reading too much into that. 

I've been reading Erin Pizzey's Emotional Terrorist And The Violence Prone. Pizzey observed that children who grew up in violent homes became addicted to violence and took it with them into their relationships. They don't know how to interact with people otherwise.  My ex uses this to rationalize her violence with her H and also when she's lost control with the kids.

My ex's H also grew up in a violent home,  with much repressed anger,  as he once told me one time when he was relating to me how our kids drove him nuts. I did sympathize that she blocked him from disciplining them.  I didn't have a problem with that within reason. 

After my DV talk with both of them,  it didn't take.  I don't think the kids are safe with them if they decide to cohabitate again.  She's still stuck on "fixing" him through therapy.

Nothing I can do until that happens.  Knowing both of them well enough, I'm not hopeful. She told me over a year ago that he told her he should call the cops on her and he would end up with the kids.  To me,  that's him threatening to take the kids,  even though that wouldn't happen the way he told her. No way. All I can do is watch and prepare.  Hope for the best,  prepare for the worst. At least he's a known entity. 

[heartandwhole]

Hi Turkish,

So it looks like he’s back in her and your kids’ life, for the moment. Are they cohabitating, or did he just help out with groceries?

I can understand your concern for your kids.

heartandwhole

[Mutt]

She told me over a year ago that he told her he should call the cops on her and he would end up with the kids.  To me,  that's him threatening to take the kids,  even though that wouldn't happen the way he told her. No way.

That’s a strange statement from an exSD? You’re the biological father they’d come to you they’re not his kids. Poor kids Tirkish I can imagine what that would be like not to see your SD for a year and then he pops up again. I think that I’ve said this before but you’re the only adult between those two. Keep us updated.

[Insom]

Hi, Turkish!  Thanks for this update.  I've been following your story for awhile now.

I've been reading Erin Pizzey's Emotional Terrorist And The Violence Prone. Pizzey observed that children who grew up in violent homes became addicted to violence and took it with them into their relationships. They don't know how to interact with people otherwise.  My ex uses this to rationalize her violence with her H and also when she's lost control with the kids.

This sounds like a scary read.  How are you coping with the new information? 

[Turkish]

I think just groceries for now and whatever they do on their own time which is their business.  

What she told me last week "he's getting better" sends a to me.  The stories in the Pizzey book,  while educational,  were scary. I hate hate hate drama. ROs on both relationships either side of mine.  I literally had chest pain in the past over this stuff, but stable the past year.  Maybe I'm a bit weak... .(there's the Old School talking).

Currently,  I'm just wary and watching.  She lost her first housing subsidy when she moved him in.  This is a nicer place.  I can't imagine her making the same poor decision twice.  So there is that.  

I really wished that I could reach out to him as a co-dad, but that window was brief. He even asked me for advice at the time.  Even so,  the kids told me that they liked him because he let them hit him.  That's brotherly, not fatherly.  Playful, not mature.