Struggling with my wife's undiagnosed BPD type behavior

[ware75]

I have been married for almost 20 years and have suffered in silence for a long time.  Only recently did other people close to my family start to recognize what is happening in my family.  They approached my wife and her response led her closest friends to try to figure out what was going on.  After consulting with several therapists they all came to the conclusion that my wife most likely suffers from BPD.  They looped me into their research and it was like finding the answer to a question that had been in my head for 20 years.  I felt some sense of validation but honestly the pain is still there.  I have 5 kids and the reason that my wife's friends began to see the issue with my wife stemmed from how my wife was treating my oldest daughter.  Above all I am resolved to protect my kids which puts me at direct odds with my wife.  I would love to learn from others and be able to supplement my therapy with advice and ideas from people who have been down the road I am traveling.  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi wate75,

I’d like to welcome you to bpdfamily. When you read about BPD it answers questions and opens up a whole new world one that most didn’t want to be a part of in the first place. It’s not all because you’re not alone there is a whole support network for you with people just like you.

The oldest is split black is your uBPDw being very aggressive towards one child and treating the other kids with a lot of kindness? How old are your kids? What behaviours did others see that suggested that she might suffer from BPD?

[ware75]

Thank you for the reply.  My five children are boy(16), girl (13), boy (8), girl (6), and girl (4).  My wife was very split black with my daughter.  My oldest daughter has Trichotilomania (hair pulling disorder) and my wife was so angry that my daughter wouldn't listen to her and stop pulling.  Whenever she would see that she had pulled she would get so angry so my oldest daughter learned to lie about pulling.  This setup such an unhealthy dynamic.  I believer that my wife made is so much worse on my daughter by constantly raging on her and withdrawing all affection.  My wife would hyper focus on how she was so destroyed by the lies.  It became all about her. 

My wife's friends began to see what was going on when my wife started to share some of her intense feelings towards my daughter with her friends and they became aware of some of the ridiculous and isolating punishments that my wife would inflict on my daughter.  They became very concerned and a few of them tried to talk to my wife and speak some "truth" to her.  Boy was that a mistake.  My wife got so angry with her friends which further concerned her friends.  The only good thing about this is that it opened her friend's eyes to my wife's BPD tendencies.  Finally I pushed for my daughter to go and live with one a close family friend for two weeks.  This friend happens to be one of the women who tried to speak "truth" to my wife.  While she was gone I put my foot down and told my wife that we were no longer going to punish our daughter the way she had been punished and that we would love her unconditionally. Now my wife's close friend that my daughter went to live with and I are the bad guys and my wife is showering my oldest daughter with affection and acting like nothing ever happened between them.  My oldest daughter (13) came to me the other day and is so confused.  She said "it is like mom flipped a light switch and completely changed her behavior towards me".  I don't even know how to explain to my two older kids what is wrong with their mom or even if I should at this point.

The two most difficult aspects of this situation to deal with are the potential damage to my kids and the silent treatment.  I feel like I need to leave to protect my kids but I don't know how a court would see the situation.  If I leave and the court gives us joint custody then I wouldn't be around half of the time to ensure they were safe.  The second most difficult aspect is the silent treatment.  Whenever I become the bad guy my wife administers the silent treatment.  She takes off her wedding ring, sleeps in a bedroom in our basement and stonewalls me.  Sometimes it last for months.  It has gotten worse lately.  The whole month of January she shut me out because her sister, whom she has a strained relationship with, came to visit with her husband and kids for a few days after Christmas and I hung out with them while she retreated to her room.  I was accused of not supporting her and she shut me out for the the whole month of January until I profusely apologized and told her I was wrong for what I had done. 

My wife has no relationship with her parents, a strained relationship with her only sibling (sister),
a consistently tenuous relationship with me, significant issues with my oldest daughter and now strained relationships with several of her dearest friends and she insists that it is everyone else that has the problem.  She is in such a state of denial and I feel so conflicted over what to do. 

I am tired of being wrong.  I am tired of living an existence where I feel like I am always wrong.  I don't want my kids to suffer but I don't know what to do.  From what I have read I can't confront her with my concerns about her potential BPD and she is in such a state of denial she refuses to see it.  I have been communicating with about 6 of her closest friends and they all want to help me but nobody knows what to do.  We have found several experts in the field and they have all instructed me to change the way I communicate with my wife.  I am working on doing that but I have such anger for her.  She is tearing our family apart and she sits there and acts so smug about being right.  All she cares about is being right and controlling me. 

Thank you for listening.

[Tattered Heart]

I'm sorry for what you've been going through ware75. It sounds like quite a burden. I"m glad to hear that your daughter is staying with friends for awhile. Is she getting therapy for the anxiety that is causing her to pull out her hair? I used to do this when I was a child.

You mentioned that you aren't sure whether you should share with your children what you believe is going on with their mom. Children have the tendency to internalize things. I'm sure they know that something is wrong, but just don't know what. Finding a way to talk to them about their mom's behavior could help them understand that her behavior towards them has nothing to do with them and more to do with their mom. Giving it the name BPD may not be helpful at this point, but explaining to them that their mom has problems with emotional regulation may relieve some of the burden on them.

Have you looked into T for yourself to help you navigate through your relationship?