My gf wants to break up because my ex made negative comments about her online

[Lovestrong]

My girlfriend has BPD. We have only been together about 3 months but in that time I have taken steps to learn and research on the disorder, characteristics, and how to take care of her. We have also talked openly about it. Recently my ex has been posting few negative comments online about my girlfriend and it’s made things hard. My girlfriend has a need to keep checking up on my ex’s social media accounts, which doesn’t make it any easier, but she cannot stop. Last night she told me that she cannot mentally handle this and if I’m in her life, my ex isn’t going to stop this. From what I’ve read, I understand her reaction to this regarding her BPD. But I am unsure of how to handle the situation without making it worse or harder for her. Also, to be noted, I contacted my ex to make her stop and she agreed.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi locket,

 

I’d like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I notice that you said that your gf can’t stop you can’t control someone else you can only control yourself so that goes for your gf and exgf and you and your exgf. Your gf will probably scrutinize something else in the future. Your gf feels like a victim, your exgf the bad person and you the rescue. The best way to cope with it is to stay in the middle don’t side with your ex or your gf. I’d something like “I can see how upsetting it would feel if someone said something that was less than positive. Dont give it attention”.


Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle

[isilme]

Hi there, welcome to BPD family.

Dealing with a loved one with BPD is a learning experience to be sure.

It sounds like she is seeking validation - but it could be a validation of negative feelings she has internally. 

What kinds of things did the comments make your GF do?  Was she just upset?  How does her BPD usually manifest?

I can see anyone getting upset if their current SO's ex is taking jabs at the online.  It sounds like you've already taken the steps you can, by asking the ex to stop.  What is happening in the situation that makes you feel you need to do more?

[Lovestrong]

My girlfriend has BPD and we are in our first disagreement and I’ve come to the conclusion that it is a result of fear of engulfment. Do I give her space or try to talk to her? What do I say?

[Lovestrong]

My girlfriend has BPD. She expressed to me that we have to break up because the thought of my abusive ex trying to contact her or I ever again, trying to say bad things about us online, seeing her in public, it’s too much for her. She claims she can’t have toxic people (my ex) in her life in any capacity because of her menstsl health. I completely 100% understand. I just don’t know how to let go because I love her so much and I wanted to be with her the rest of my life. And the fact that we have to just separate when nothing happened between us kills me. I don’t know what to do. I respect her feelings and emotions, but I also want to be selfish and not let her go.

[juju2]

Hi,

So sorry you are going thru this.

Us nons, we carry hope.

Read, learn, write, share here.  This is a safe place.

There are people here who have gone thru what you are experiencing.

Help is here.

My job, being w a pw BPD is to educate myself.

This is a serious mental illness.  The challenge is,
THEY don't know that. 

Hang in there, read about the tools, get self care, find one person in your life who loves you and doesn't judge, that someone you can unburden to, who won't give advice.  You want someone who listens.  Unburdening helps, my friend!

Hang in there,

j

[Mutt]

Hi locket,

I’m sorry that you’re put in a predicament like this. You can tell that’s very b’ack And white thinkingand distortedas well because she’s projecting her insecurities. It sounds like she’s jealous and fears that you’re going to reject her and leave her for your ex. I can be upset you have a right to feel the way that you do she also thinks in the moment and not in the long term I have a feeling that this isn’t the end.

[Radcliff]

locket,

Can you tell us a little more about the situation?  Has your girlfriend been officially diagnosed with BPD?

WW

[Lovestrong]

She has been officially diagnosed with BPD. My ex is just very crazy and very extreme and it’s the little comments she makes that trigger my girlfriend. She’s very aware that she compulsively checks her social media but she can’t stop. The comments drive her into overthinking and it’s destroying her. I obviously can’t guarantee 100% that my ex will never make comments again even after I told her to stop. I just don’t know how to tell her that I am fully prepared to support her and take care of her at any cost. I want to learn as much as I can about this disorder and I want to be her number one. I’ve never been so sure about someone. She doesn’t think she can “be what I need in this life”. Her words. Maybe if I just stick around  and support her she will come around? Any advice can help.

[Radcliff]

locket,

If you stick around and are steady, it may in fact make a difference for her.  But there are forces at work that are beyond your control.  A crucial thing will be to not lose touch with your own needs, or your own identity.  You are very early in the relationship, and are laying the groundwork for what is to come.  You cannot "rescue" her and make her all better.  But you can learn the tools, avoid making things worse, offer her support, and perhaps she will be able to make improvements.

Has your girlfriend had any formal therapy, such as DBT?

What are your thoughts on any similarities and differences between your current girlfriend and your ex? 

WW

[Lovestrong]

Thank you, that is very helpful advice. I do understand that its very early in this relationship so I’m just trying to learn and not force anything. But I have made it clear that I will always be there for her and I think I’ve been making good strides in helping validate her feelings. She has gone through the DBT classes and loved them. She references them often. There aren’t any similarities between her and my ex. My ex was very emotionally and mentally abusive and is just upset that I’m happy now. My girlfriend can’t take the fact that my ex keeps trying to control my life and also making my girlfriend feel bad about her disorder. She can’t handle when her loved ones are bullied or put down (my gf). It’s snowballed into a big mess and I wish I could fix it all. I wish my ex would just leave us alone.

[Lovestrong]

^

[Lovestrong]

My girlfriend says she “is not good for me at all”. I feel as if the black and white thinking, and the ‘reacting in the now’ is what’s making her say this. But I also don’t want to force anything that’s not mutual. I just don’t want to give up and I’m stubborn. But I have infinite patience so perhaps I will just be as supportive as I can and just see where it goes.

[Radcliff]

Lovestrong,

The patient approach is a good one.  Three months is not a long time to study the ups and downs of your girlfriend.  With time,  "non" can learn a lot about what kinds of events trigger her (sounds like you've already got an idea about at least some of those things), if there is a particular timing or rhythm to things, and how long negative periods last for.  Sometimes there are things you can do such as validation and support to speed the end of a down cycle.  Other times you just have to wait it out.

Have you considered taking legal action against your ex?  If she is posting on social media, she's creating an evidence trail.  Many states have things called "personal conduct orders" which are a form of restraining order that can be used against stalking and harassment.  This is a form of intimate partner violence.  Some domestic violence agencies offer help with things like restraining orders.  You may be able to file forms without a lawyer.  Your country courthouse may offer help on their Web site or in person.  For non-physical harrassment like this, the level of support you can get will vary depending on your state laws and locality.  I'm not trying to fire you up to invest a lot of energy being litigious -- often it's better to wait to let things settle on their own.  But if this is an ongoing problem, it may be worth considering.

WW

[Lovestrong]

Yeah, being the first time I’m going through this depressive episode of hers I’m just trying to learn as much as I can. I just really want to know how to support her the most productive way I can.

But yes, I do plan on taking some kind of action like that if it doesn’t stop. Thank you for the info!

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry, I'm just noticing that in your original post, you said your ex agreed to stop with the harassing social media activity. That was a week ago.  How have things gone in the last week?  Any negative online activity?

WW

[Lovestrong]

So far so good! No negative comments online from my ex, or any comments at all to be exact. She seems to be coming around and feeling better. The patient approach was the correct one. I guess it will just take time to learn how to handle swings like this seeing as every pwBPD is different.

[Radcliff]

So far so good! No negative comments online from my ex, or any comments at all to be exact. She seems to be coming around and feeling better. The patient approach was the correct one. I guess it will just take time to learn how to handle swings like this seeing as every pwBPD is different.

Lovestrong, that is great to hear that there has been no recent trouble with your ex!

I noticed earlier in the thread that you said you have "infinite patience."  I can relate to that.  It is a very helpful trait for someone in a relationship with a pwBPD.  One thing to watch out for, though, as the relationship matures, is that you don't hang in there with such dogged determination to make things OK for her that you forget about your own identity and needs.  Many of us on these boards, including myself, have fallen into that trap.

It is fantastic that your girlfriend has been through DBT and loved it.  It's a tremendously powerful program, with lessons that are good for everyone.  It occurred to me that it might be handy for you to have an appreciation of the contents of DBT so you can be aware of the tools she is using, and perhaps suppport her when things aren't going so well, and validate her when they are.  Might she share her DBT workbooks with you?  It might work if you express a genuine interest in understanding the techniques for yourself.  You could even ask her to teach you.

Have you done much reading on boundaries yet?  Is the term "don't JADE" familiar?

WW

[Lovestrong]

Any advice on how to keep up with “myself” especially during the harder times? I do practice meditation which helps me a ton.

I do want to learn more about the DBT because I think it would really help me on my side of things too. It would also help me understand a lot I think.

But no! I don’t think I’m familiar with the term. What is it?

[Radcliff]

Any advice on how to keep up with “myself” especially during the harder times? I do practice meditation which helps me a ton.

One thing you could do is to make a list of things that you feel uniquely make you you, or are important to you to keep.  Hobbies, other friends you like to see, time with your family of origin, etc.  Many pwBPD put pressure on us to not see our family of origin.  We also may drop hobbies or other friends under pressure from the pwBPD.  The pressure might be direct, or indirect.  We may simply notice that our pwBPD is upset or anxious when we go out to do activities they are not a part of, so we stop doing them.  Strategies that you can use include providing plenty of notice about other activities, inviting them along if it makes sense and is something you want (not inviting them if you value some time away from them, which is OK), and also validating their feelings.  Music is another area -- if there is music that's important to you that she doesn't like, you can make a point to listen to it on your commute or at other times when she is not around.

The "losing yourself" thing can creep up slowly, like a frog in boiling water.  So making a note to yourself early in the relationship about things you want to defend is an excellent idea, otherwise they may slowly fall away without you noticing.

I do want to learn more about the DBT because I think it would really help me on my side of things too. It would also help me understand a lot I think.

How do you two do when you're talking about things you disagree about?  Can you navigate those things OK, or is there more conflict in your communications than you would like?

But no! I don’t think I’m familiar with the term. What is it?

Learning how not to JADE is one of my favorite "beginner's tools."  JADE  stands for "justify, argue, defend, or explain."  It's for one of those times when our partner is upset with something we have or have not done, "rightly" or "wrongly," and they often come at us with exaggerated fervor that stings.  It's completely human to defend ourselves, but only digs the hole deeper.  I like this tool because, while it takes some self control, the results are often nearly immediate and satisfying, as far as reduced conflict.

Another critical tool in a long-term relationship with a pwBPD is setting boundaries.  This affects many things; one thing it is helpful for is not losing yourself, as we've talked about.  A boundary could be protecting an activity for yourself, and not being guilted out of doing it, for example.  Boundaries are about our behavior, not controlling our partner.  For example, if they are yelling, we can't make them stop, but we can calmly leave the room and say we need a break and will be back in 10 minutes.

WW