Why does it still hurt even though I know that it's an uncontrollable disease?

[kylie34]

I'm sad today. Trying to get on with my day and focus. I just wish she'd be happy for me or let me enjoy my happiness. Why does it still hurt even though I know that it's an uncontrollable disease?

I have started therapy again. This time for me. I'm ready to rebuild my self esteem and eradicate the anxiety I've been trying to keep hidden for so long. But yet I find myself talking about her. Feeling like so many of these feelings stem from what I've experienced. I don't remember always feeling this way. I had a lot of confidence in my teens and early 20s. But slowly it started chipping away. Slowly, I spoke up less, and felt my voice get smaller. I realize that around that time, her grip started getting tighter. The outbursts more frequent. The fights nastier and more violent. Soon name calling was the norm. I was "crazy", an "idiot", a "whore" and always ungrateful and immature. Any relationship or friendship I started was met with instant disdain. Any guy I dated was stalked online and torn apart- reading into any picture or post or trait. All of them were allegedly manipulating me, using me for sex, cheating on me, and most of all- trying to separate me from her. Intentionally driving a wedge between her and I.  Any free time I chose to spend as I wanted made me selfish and uncaring about her. Finally I moved out and it was the ultimate betrayal. She never even came to visit my new apartment. She constantly told me I made a mistake and that I should just keep living with her. It has been a cycle of all of the above for years.

Now I'm finally in a good place. I'm in a good career path and with a good, loving and patient man. She's trying to destroy us. I keep going no contact every time she flies into a rage. But then I come back out of guilt. Who doesn't speak to their family for weeks like that?  Why do I feel like the bad guy here?
I don't trust her. She keeps trying to lure us over. She wants us to visit. Last time we tried, she flew into a rage in the middle of the restaurant. Started an argument with my fiance, threatened to kill him, and screamed at us in front of everyone. I can't trust her in public anymore. I trust her less at home.  
If I cut her off, I end up cutting my father off too. He doesn't defy her. He's trying to keep the peace at home. I wish he'd stand up for me just once.

[Harri]

Hi Kylie34 and welcome.  Your post stole my breath away.  I can relate to just about everything your wrote.  I too was far more confident and less anxious through my 20's.  I look back and wonder what happened, often thinking that the so called resiliency kids have has a expiration date or at least a use by date.  I too have begun rebuilding and am in therapy.  When I first started my T kept trying to get me to talk about me and I finally said that I did not know how to talk about me without talking about her (my mom).  I get it.  I swear it was my mothers goal in life to turn me off the rest of the world so I would stay around and take care of her as she aged.  Fortunately I broke away before that happened and had several years to begin to separate myself from her before she died in 2007.  Prior to her death I was accused of betraying her, ruining the family, she refused to talk to me for about a year and after that it was cold and tense and even my brother and father got involved by being angry at me for upsetting her... .simply for saying no, I want my own life (at age of 38)  Anyway, even tho she died several years back, I am still tied to her in some ways but things are much better.  It takes time and a lot of hard work.  It is easier and quicker when in therapy so good for you.  I only started back in therapy about 2 years ago.

Enough about me.  Just wanted to let you know I can relate very well.  I am sorry she is being so ummm... .BPDish with you.  Has she been diagnosed?  Do you have siblings?

It is not uncommon for the fallout with setting limits to extend to other family members like your father.  You are right that he is trying to keep the peace for himself.  The thing is, just like wishing your mom could be happy for you, he is who he is.  they both are.  This hurts immensely to know they can't see beyond themselves to see you and support you.  Your father protecting himself and not standing up for you is part of the dynamic that has existed between them for decades and there is not much you/we can do to change it until/if they see what they are doing or have to deal with the consequences of their own behaviors.

What can help is to learn about the disorder, not to help your mom but to help *you* depersonalize her behaviors and learn to push aside the unwarranted guilt.   You can learn how to communicate in ways that protect yourself and possibly make things easier with your family or at least not make things worse.  Things like boundaries are vital and can be tricky to understand and implement but you can learn all these things in therapy and here on this site.

Do you have any questions or specifics you want to share? 

Okay, so sorry to chat your ears off.  There is so much to talk about but I am going to zip it for now.

[zachira]

It is so hurtful to be treated with such disrespect and cruelty by your mother, and not to receive any real support from your father. I have a borderline mother, and it seems that as time passes on, it just gets more difficult in a lot of ways because she really resents her children becoming more independent from her, which apparently she interprets as terrifying abandonment. My mother did not want any of her children to get married, and she did everything to make our relationships fail. I loved my dad, yet he never had the courage to stand up to her. You want a relationship with your dad, and would rather have nothing to do with your mother, and this is a terribly painful and distressing dilemma to have to deal with on an ongoing basis. Is there any way you can visit with your father when she is not home? I have been in therapy for years for all of this, and it really has helped me to have a place where I can process all of this. Your restarting therapy sounds like a healthy way to deal with the escalation of bad treatment by your mother, and how upsetting it is to never know what she is going to do next to hurt you. Please let us know how we can help. There are a lot of people on this board who are dealing with situations that are similar to yours.

[Turkish]

Hi kylie34,

I'd like to join Harri and zachira in welcoming you here. 

Why do I feel like the bad guy here?
I don't trust her. She keeps trying to lure us over. She wants us to visit. Last time we tried, she flew into a rage in the middle of the restaurant. Started an argument with my fiance, threatened to kill him, and screamed at us in front of everyone. I can't trust her in public anymore. I trust her less at home.

I agree that she doesn't sound safe to be around.  Can you frame this into a perspective of domestic violence? From what you said,  that's what it is,  and you and your fiancé need to be safe.

[Cromwell]

the thing is, it is not an uncontrollable disease.

it only gets worse when encouraged (unwittingly) by people who with good intentions allow the person to continue their behaviour without any come back for their behaviour.

I feel that if people with BPD wouldnt find caretakers or emotional-punch bags so easily, they would be forced in their self imposed isolation to think "maybe there is something wrong with me, I should try to get some sort of help to change".

but as long as there are those who put up with it, it gives an indication that it is ok for them to do what they are doing or even to think "wow, how bad I treat you but you put up with it, there must be something needy or seriously wrong with you" rather than looking at themselves.

[Panda39]

"Why does it still hurt even though I know that it's an uncontrollable disease?"

Because it hurts... .you are human, being verbally abused, emotionally abused, manipulated, lied to and controlled by FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt), unsupported by your dad and somewhere under there hope your mom will be the mom you need her to be but isn't, are all painful.     Your feelings make perfect sense to me. 

More on FOG... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

I would also say that BPD is not an uncontrollable disease, however your mother by not recognizing she has a problem, or by denial allows her BPD behaviors be uncontrolled. Only she can control her behaviors and feelings. 

I have started therapy again. This time for me. I'm ready to rebuild my self esteem and eradicate the anxiety I've been trying to keep hidden for so long... .

This is really good!  The only person we can change is ourselves so working on you is awesome!  Putting yourself first and working on this stuff is wonderful.  It is not selfish it is self care... .you go girl!

I'm really glad you've joined us and hope to hear more of your story and your progress.

Panda39

[pbnjsandwich]

Dear, it will always hurt because you love her. I lived with this disorder for 50 years and, even though, as you say, we know this about them, it hurts, because we have feelings and we don't expect those feelings to be trampled on, especially when we care and come from a good place.  This disorder is truly about them and how they feel about themselves on the inside. The louder they yell, the tighter they grip the more out of control they feel on the inside. Let's think about you. Do you love yourself like you should? Do you care about your own opinions, thoughts, beliefs, dreams? If you don't know, you need to start that process. Distance can be a good friend and it doesn't mean you are leaving them for good. How about a separation where you work on you? That's what I did. Does a soul some good.  Just recently I heard something that might help you. No one is going to live for you and no one is going to die for you, so everything is up to you that belongs to you.