He has a history of drinking to keep from feeling his emotions

[JadedHeart]

So, my boyfriend and I are 22 years old and have been together for a year. He suffers from BPD. Although he has never been diagnosed there's no need in my eyes, he 100% has it, from what I've read/researched.

 :sign_attn:This is a long story, but necessary to see where I’m coming from. Please read, desperate for advice.  

When we first started dating, everything was so wonderful and easy! We both fell in love so fast and I just knew he was the one and he felt the same. As time went on, I began to see just how messed up he was, I got to see the real him. He became extremely jealous of ANY guy that even looked my way, he constantly accused me of cheating (although he said it playfully, I knew he meant it).  He could be in such a happy mood and then out of NO where it changes. My mood = his mood. When he’s happy, I’m happy. When he’s mad, I’m mad. Sad? I’m SAD! I’m so exhausted. I’ve never been more exhausted in my life. And last night I believe was the final straw for me.

He has a history of drinking to keep from feeling his emotions and facing his problems. He also has the same issue with Xanax. Since he’s been with me he does both less, but the other night he couldn’t sleep and decided to take a Xanax and then got the bright idea that drinking alcohol would help him sleep too. He swore to me he only had 3 beers, but after this horror story was over I found out he had had 11 shots.  

He texted me from the bar saying he was there and I was livid. I called him and he could barely talk. I told him to stay there, I was going to pick him up and he insisted that he was fine and could drive. I begged and pleaded as my sister flew down road. When we got there, he wasn’t there, he had just drove off and I told him to come back and he did.

Eventually I was able to get him in the passenger seat and drove us to his house. There we went back and forth fighting. He broke up with me like two times and told me to leave. Then he would cry and say he didn’t mean it, that I was the love of his life and he’d never find anyone like me. At one point, I had had enough and was going to leave. He told me he’d kill himself if I left. I didn’t leave, and spent the time to make sure he was okay. The next day I woke him up and we talked about it he was so sorry and said it would never happen again. He said he barely remembered anything. This is why I hate Xanax and alcohol. When he is on it, he turns into a different person and does the craziest things. I told him he had to stop taking Xanax and that could never happen again. He swore up and down that he would…. now I wait.

What should I do? I am so in love with him, we just picked out and bought my engagement ring and are planning to move in with each other in May. Now I’m not sure about anything anymore. He comes from a very messed up childhood so I try to be understanding to see why he’s the way he is, but at the same time there’s only so much I can take.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JadedHeart]

Almost 20 people have seen this and nobody can give me 1 piece of encouragement or advice.

Thanks so much for all the help. This is hopeless.

[aercooled]

It sounds like you are dealing with two things here - a personality disorder and a substance abuse problem.  In my opinion (I am not a professional) he has to deal with the latter issue first.  Nothing can improve until he finds sobriety.  I have friends who went to Alcoholics Anonymous and continue to attend meetings, and it changed their lives.  It's an excellent program.

[Sirnut]

Hi Jaded

I’m sorry to hear that you are going through this. I’m new here too and still learning about BPD. I know what it’s like to have the My mood=Their mood situation and to be on that roller coaster, and I know what it’s like when you love someone who can’t or won’t be reasonable. You’re right, these things are exhausting.

The fact that you are so understanding about your bf shows that you have a generous heart, and that is a good thing. But it’s not the only thing. You also need to make wise decisions for your own well being, otherwise you won’t be able to keep helping him even if you want to.

The hardest thing when the emotions are so raw like this is to realise that there are rarely quick fixes available. You may need to take time to work out what you really want, and also to form a realistic view as to what sorts of changes your bf might be willing or able to make in his behavior over time. The urge to do something right away can be very powerful, but sometimes it leads us to do things that make a situation worse, not better.

A good place to start might be to think about what resources are available to you in exploring these things. Do you have access to a counseling service, or to someone whose advice you can trust? Can you take a break to give yourself some distance and perspective?

I also recommend the book Stop Walking on Eggshells which is often mentioned on this site. It contains a wealth of good advice and will help you to feel less alone.

[Dignity&Strength]

Hi jaded,
I agree with aercooled, you’re dealing with a personality disorder and a substance abuse problem. If there’s a Celebrate Recovery program near you, that is based off of Alcoholics Anonymous, and may have a group for you to participate in, for friends and family of those dealing with issues. Everybody has habits, hurts and hangups. I love the serenity prayer, because it helps remind me of what I can do and what I can’t. I have always had someone in my life I couldn’t change. The only thing I could change, frustratingly enough, was Me. It goes like this, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference... .there’s much more tiny than those first few famous lines, look it up, it’s great. No one with an addiction problem is ready for a healthy relationship. I think in AA they recommend 3 years sobriety before proceeding with a relationship? Something like that.

I’m sorry this is tough. I know what it’s like to make plans, have dreams, and see them unravel. Confusion, grief, anger, denial... those are all normal feeling to go through. I would always get stuck in the people helping part, in denial and bargaining. If I could only get him or her to improve, then my life would improve too. It doesn’t work that way. They have to want to change, themselves. If not, it’s pretty futile. I do like the relationship lessons in this site. Those are golden skills to have, but still, no matter how well one learns them, it still doesn’t guarantee another person will change as a result.

I hope things look up for you, especially in this spring season. There’s newness everywhere. Blessings to you, as you figure this journey out.

Dig.

[MaineMan]

Dear JadedHeart,

I am a medical professional who's been married to someone with BPD almost ten years. It doesn't get easier.

But it does help you to grow up, to be less impulsive, to be less entwined with another's emotions, to pick your battles. Ultimately, you learn well how to interact with one of the most difficult personalities on the planet.

My wife has also struggled with alcohol. I've reviewed the research. Statistics show that AA is as likely to help as not. In other words, if you did a large enough sampling you'll find as many as it helped as it didn't.

Odds are about 20% better with naltrexone. It reduces the craving. He won't get sick if he does drink. But he probably won't feel inclined to drink so much. If the daily pill seems to help, there's a monthly injection.

He might also have underlying depression. Alcohol helps someone who's depressed feel better. But the effect is only temporary. They feel worse after about 2 hours from their last drink.

My wife just got up and chastised me for being online & not letting her see what I'm doing. This is tough. It never stops. And it pervades your life.

Please think long and hard before you commit yourself further and give up leverage.

Things will likely soon be a lot better. But don't forget that both the bad times and good are temporary.

I wish I could help more.
-MM

[JadedHeart]

Thank you for all the advice. I understand this is going to be a bumpy and hard road, but I feel like we are worth it.

I will try to talk to him about attending some AA meetings, he's done them before he met me, so maybe he'd be willing to go again.

I'm scared but hopeful. I truly do love and want to be with him and help him through this. Even if it means I'll have to learn how to to handle his little episodes better.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi JadedHeart,

I"m sorry that you are going through so many difficulties with your pwBPD. It's hard to watch them perform self destructive behavior and not be able to do anything about it.

MaineMan talked about not letting yourself get entwined with him quite so much. It sounds like when he gets himself into a bad situation, you rescue him from it. What if you let him deal with the consequences of his own behavior?

If he is drunk at the bar, let him find his own ride home.
If he says he is going to drink and drive, call the police.

It's important that you look at your own values and find ways that you can respond to him in a calm way that honors yourself. Some questions to help you get there might be:

• Will you allow drugs or alcohol in the house?
• Will you bail him out of jail if he is arrested?
• Will you interact with him when he's not sober?
• Will you buy alcohol or drugs for him?
• Will you drink with him or go to parties and bars with him?
• Will you have sex with him when he's under the influence?
• Will you call his boss and make excuses for him when he can't go to work?
• Will you make excuses to family and friends when he is unable to attend functions?

[Jeffree]

So, my boyfriend and I are 22 years old and have been together for a year. He suffers from BPD. Although he has never been diagnosed there's no need in my eyes, he 100% has it, from what I've read/researched.

 :sign_attn:This is a long story, but necessary to see where I’m coming from. Please read, desperate for advice. 

When we first started dating, everything was so wonderful and easy! We both fell in love so fast and I just knew he was the one and he felt the same. As time went on, I began to see just how messed up he was, I got to see the real him. He became extremely jealous of ANY guy that even looked my way, he constantly accused me of cheating (although he said it playfully, I knew he meant it).  He could be in such a happy mood and then out of NO where it changes. My mood = his mood. When he’s happy, I’m happy. When he’s mad, I’m mad. Sad? I’m SAD! I’m so exhausted. I’ve never been more exhausted in my life. And last night I believe was the final straw for me.

He has a history of drinking to keep from feeling his emotions and facing his problems. He also has the same issue with Xanax. Since he’s been with me he does both less, but the other night he couldn’t sleep and decided to take a Xanax and then got the bright idea that drinking alcohol would help him sleep too. He swore to me he only had 3 beers, but after this horror story was over I found out he had had 11 shots.   

He texted me from the bar saying he was there and I was livid. I called him and he could barely talk. I told him to stay there, I was going to pick him up and he insisted that he was fine and could drive. I begged and pleaded as my sister flew down road. When we got there, he wasn’t there, he had just drove off and I told him to come back and he did.

Eventually I was able to get him in the passenger seat and drove us to his house. There we went back and forth fighting. He broke up with me like two times and told me to leave. Then he would cry and say he didn’t mean it, that I was the love of his life and he’d never find anyone like me. At one point, I had had enough and was going to leave. He told me he’d kill himself if I left. I didn’t leave, and spent the time to make sure he was okay. The next day I woke him up and we talked about it he was so sorry and said it would never happen again. He said he barely remembered anything. This is why I hate Xanax and alcohol. When he is on it, he turns into a different person and does the craziest things. I told him he had to stop taking Xanax and that could never happen again. He swore up and down that he would…. now I wait.

What should I do? I am so in love with him, we just picked out and bought my engagement ring and are planning to move in with each other in May. Now I’m not sure about anything anymore. He comes from a very messed up childhood so I try to be understanding to see why he’s the way he is, but at the same time there’s only so much I can take.

[Tattered Heart]

Jeffree I think your response didn't post.

[JadedHeart]

Hi JadedHeart,

I"m sorry that you are going through so many difficulties with your pwBPD. It's hard to watch them perform self destructive behavior and not be able to do anything about it.

MaineMan talked about not letting yourself get entwined with him quite so much. It sounds like when he gets himself into a bad situation, you rescue him from it. What if you let him deal with the consequences of his own behavior?

If he is drunk at the bar, let him find his own ride home.
If he says he is going to drink and drive, call the police.

It's important that you look at your own values and find ways that you can respond to him in a calm way that honors yourself. Some questions to help you get there might be:

• Will you allow drugs or alcohol in the house?
• Will you bail him out of jail if he is arrested?
• Will you interact with him when he's not sober?
• Will you buy alcohol or drugs for him?
• Will you drink with him or go to parties and bars with him?
• Will you have sex with him when he's under the influence?
• Will you call his boss and make excuses for him when he can't go to work?
• Will you make excuses to family and friends when he is unable to attend functions?

Thanks for your response. I agree with you, I'm always there to save him... .and I'm getting tired of it. He has been spoiled. His whole life his grandparents/parents have spoiled him and have left him with no consequences so he thinks he can do basically whatever he wants - as if he's invincible. I feel like he is doing the same with me... .thinking "Oh, she loves me too much. She would never leave me." But you're definitely right, I need to stop helping him so much and let him get himself out of the problems.

How can you love someone so much one second... .and the next want nothing to do with him? I feel this way very often with him... .

[Tattered Heart]

I need to stop helping him so much and let him get himself out of the problems.

So what specifically will you do to let him handle his own consequences? Decide those ahead of time so when the scenario comes up again, you will have already decided what to do instead of allowing the emotion of the moment to run things.

[Dignity&Strength]

Hey,
I totally love that last question from Tattered Heart.  I also love self help books and reading.   I have some favorites that have helped clue me in on Tattered's question over the years, if you're interested. When I first started, thinking of how to not rescue or fix seemed foreign to me.  Maybe you've heard of a few of them, or maybe reading is or isn't your thing.  But I love sharing, if you'll let me.  I haven't gotten to the ones this site recommends yet, but they are in my amazon wish list! Here's some of my favorites:

Love must be tough, by James Dobson.  It's an oldie, but goodie, and sort of relevant. 
Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend.
(There are spin offs... .Boundaries in dating, marriage, with kids, etc.)
The emotionally destructive relationship, by Leslie Vernick
Co-dependent no more... it's a classic.
There was something about being an adult child of an alcoholic... .I forget what it was called.  I didn't have an alcoholic parent, but my natural behaviors looked similar, just without the substance abuse parent (my parent was something different than that).
I am totally a recovering co-dependent, a fixer.  See, I even try to help "fix" here, by sharing my list, even though I initially see it as coaching/teaching (I come from a long line of teachers).  I hope it helps some, even if only so you know you're not alone. It's a good journey, worthwhile learning.  I love learning about it, from not rescuing, all the way up to why I feel the need to do so, and what is in my own history that needs reconciling.  Even after exploring all of that, I STILL accidentally chose someone to rescue.  Geez. Boundaries.  I need to improve my own.

Ultimately, I think Tattered's question is about exploring and defining your own values, for yourself, so you can clearly know where your boundaries are with your relationship.  My personal highest value at the moment is safety, and all aspects of that... .provision, absolute needs, and defining precisely what I will/will not tolerate for myself or my s4. My own version of Tattered's question for myself at the moment is, "What do I (and the legal system) consider unsafe enough that I get myself and s4 to the women's shelter and successfully obtain a restraining order"?  I like the Wisemind tool here.  It helps me balance my emotions and logic to arrive at a more well-defined answer to the question.  My emotions say, "go now, I should have gone yesterday", but logic says "reality, not potential, what are the facts? Are they enough legally? No. Not here, not yet."  It's just mainly emotional/mental mind games in my situation, no substance abuse.  The tools here are helping some. I am dealing with a "man-sized" problem with all of the emotions of being female, and a mother... .so Wisemind helps me some.

Blessings to you, as you do the work of defining your answers.

I just noticed something familiar, before I hit the send button.  It's the Subject line.  "He has a history of drinking to keep from feeling his emotions".   I have a subject line too.  I've used it a lot over the years.  I've noticed I lead with it, when interacting with a new "people helper" like when my counselor retired, and a new one took over.

I can lead with my H's issue so well, and like not being able to shift gears on a stick shift, I struggle to shift to what I can control, myself.  I'll try to shift now, just for example.  My subject line would be, "He seems to have an eating disorder, and is controlling with food and other things; I think he may be trying to keep his body the same size he was when his perpetrator (I'm not sure he had one, it's just speculation on my part) dropped him; he's taking it out on me, making me give an answer for what I do or don't eat".  That's how our marriage began.  That was my subject line. I'll try to shift focus from him to me now: I don't feel free to eat in front of or with my husband, because he demands I give an answer for what I am eating, and is demeaning even if I explain myself... .I don't want to have unpleasant  meals with my husband for the rest of my life, or be made to answer for myself about my personal food choices.  Since I value meal time, and the closeness that brings to a relationship, something needs to improve about the food issue with my husband.  What will I do if he demands an answer again? What will I say? Where is my boundary with this with him? Just as a side note, sometimes I was brave enough to withstand the putdowns and 3rd degree, and mostly I wasn't.  If I wanted to make chocolate brownies at a special time of month, I often tried to hide that, just to keep the peace.   I wish I hadn't now, looking back.  I wish I had made a stronger boundary, like... .If you choose to continue questioning my food choices, and causing an argument about food, I will not eat with you or around you, and since that's not feasible in marriage, I will seek to end our relationship, to have a chance at finding someone I can enjoy meals with.   But I didn't, and it is what it is now.  I only stopped my boundary at the "not eat with you or around you part".  That made the problem bigger, and me upping the "rescuing us from chaos" role.   I wish I had defined the "not feasible in marriage" part.  But, I didn't.  There are blessings, don't get me wrong... .I have s4 now.  But, there's issues with that too, that wouldn't have been if I had defined my boundaries better. 

Ah. Hindsight.  Maybe I would still choose it again.  Our challenges make us who we are, in a way.  Ok.  Sorry for typing your ears off.  I hope all of that made sense, if you made it this far!   


Dig

[MaineMan]

Tattered is so right: "So what specifically will you do to let him handle his own consequences? Decide those ahead of time so when the scenario comes up again, you will have already decided what to do instead of allowing the emotion of the moment to run things."

But I totally agree with you Jaded: "How can you love someone so much one second... .and the next want nothing to do with him? I feel this way very often with him... ."

If I could ask Tattered's questions of myself when things are going well I may be able to set boundaries. Although I find her difficult to predict, is she really? Or am I just avoiding the difficult work of planning?

I find myself at a loss when my wife does something unexpected, such as suddenly cuss at me after I answer her question in a way she doesn't like. This happened yesterday, while I thought things were going ok. She was getting a little stressed because we had people coming over later in the evening. And so she had been sipping on wine. I've grown to dread whenever she drinks, even small amounts. It induces a roller coaster of emotion: first she's up a bit, then she's way down.

What's the natural consequence of that? She pushes me away. I feel pushed away. I act pushed away.

But today she's being nice and we're getting along. I never know how long it will last. She may walk into the kitchen at any moment & become extremely pissed if I don't switch to another web-screen before she notices me doing so.

One thing I've learned is that I can't control her reactions to me, only my reactions to her. But living with someone so often upset with me is getting old.

The audiobook version of Cloud & Townsend's Boundaries helped me at the time I listened. But it's been a while.

Co-dependency is definitely something you're setting yourself up for Jaded, if you don't listen to Tattered. Maybe that's my problem too.

I'll have to check out the Wisemind tool that Dig mentions. Dig seems to say that the boundaries she failed to set yesterday, she has to live with today. Is that true?

[Dignity&Strength]

Bingo, Maineman.

You said that so much more concisely than I did. Sorry for the rambling!

Yes, the boundaries I failed to set yesterday, I am having to live with today. And yes, codependency is one of my own issues, that I often cannot see to deal with, when H’s issues are in the forefront of my attention. But, my codependency is the only issue I have any control over.

Well said. Thank you!
Dig