What “little things” did you do for them? Did they do those things for you?

[JNChell]

Hi all! I recently sold a piece of property that was supposed to be the stake for “our” little family. It’s beautiful. 6.25 acres with 2 of it being mowable grass. Nice tree lines and surrounded by crop fields. There’s a great kidney shaped pond with great fishing, and deer would show up quite often. It’s not our’s anymore. Somebody else is taking it over to make it their’s. The closing was a bit ironic. The realtor that bought it, bought it for her Son. She mentioned despising his wife. This could go either way, it just tied into everything.

Wild flowers grew on this property. When I was still working nights, and she days, I would walk out in the brush and pick flowers for her before I went to bed. I’d put them in a vase and set them directly in front of where she parked in the driveway. She seemed somewhat appreciative, but there was never a hug and a kiss.

She didn’t really reciprocate or take her own initiative on things like this. She brought home a couple of things from Goodwill here and there with the price tag still attached, but there was no emotion attached.

It’s said that it’s the little things that count. I tried. Do any of you have similar stories that you’d like to share?

[Speck]

Hey, this is an interesting exercise. I'll bite:

Little things that I did for her on a consistent basis:

• My wife and I worked the same days, but I would get home an hour earlier than she did. By the time she got home, the shower was already running and about 2-3 inches of her favorite wine was already poured and waiting for her in the bathroom. I usually also lit a candle for her.
• In the winter, before she got into bed, I would have the electric blanket on her side of the bed already dialed up and toasty for her.
• If she cooked, I cleaned up the ginormous mess. Always.

Little things that she for me on a consistent basis:

•  Very little, but she would make coffee every morning and have it poured up with a little note on it that said, "Gone hiking," or "Gone swimming," or sometimes, "I Love You."

I enjoyed doing little things for her to show her my love for her, and she appeared very glad for it. She just wasn't one to go out of her way in that manner for me. I just figured that she just didn't share my "Love Language." Beyond that, I've never really thought about it much until now.

Interesting.


-Speck

[stixx44]

I would mow her lawn in 95 degree heat so she didn’t have to.  Put up solar lights all around her palm trees.  Pick up little items at the store that I knew she’d like.   She was a health food person... .I always had what she liked in my fridge. She did not do that for me... .I had to supply my own stuff.

She did some things for me but not a whole lot.  It was pretty much one-sided.

[Cromwell]

i remember she wanted to take me out for dinner, then when we got there she had "lost" her money. and the funny part was she tried so hard to sound convincing about it. its like she wanted to do something for me but couldnt bring herself to follow through with it.

It wasnt me personally, she would often even go so far as to buy a relative a birthday card, write it, envelope it but not bring herself to actually send it. she would speak to them before sending it and almost mine them for a reason to paint them black not to send it.

im glad you posted this topic because i feel that I also put the fact down that despite giving her so many gifts to make her happy, I cant think of one thing despite giving me sex, that not only could be interpreted as a "romantic gesture" but just things that people do to show their appreciation to friends or aquaintances. I had an amazing birthday with her, minus the card, minus any gift. i think I buried and overlooked these things at the time despite being incredibly hurt by it.

I dont think this board has the hard drive space on its servers to let me list the amount of stuff I did for her. she had been conditioned in her mind that people only do things for her to get something in return. the more i did for her the less chance I was going to get sex that day, i sort of figured out the equation. sometimes she preferred when i would just sit around the house, do nothing at all, pay her attention but not fawn over her and not initiate any romantic contact. then its almost as if she initiated sex because some warning bell was telling her that something was wrong and i was in a mood for her not treating me properly.

but yea, after 3 years i hate this topic for triggering me on this, and I feel the anger coming and like i want to start rambling, so all i can say is thank you again JNChell, for another little reminder of why I - eventually - made the right decision.

[PianoDood]

I made her lunch to take with her every day before she left for work.  I got up with her instead of sleeping in (I left later that she did for work), made coffee and always brought a cup of coffee to her in the bathroom as she got ready for work and had a travel mug full of coffee to take with her on her drive, next to her lunch at the front door.  During the winter, I would go out and scrape the ice off her car and start it while she got ready for work so that when she left, she got into a clean, safe, warm vehicle.  I opened every door (including her car door), helped her on with her coat, pulled out every chair, escorted her to the restroom in a busy place and waited for her.  She rarely cooked, except for the occasional Saturday breakfast.  I cooked every day.  I didn't mind it because I love to cook and she loved how I cooked.  There are many other things that I did that I simply see as what a person does for their partner if they love them.  Did she do those things or other things that were meaningful to me?  Not really.  Occasionally, she would do something nice for me, but it usually involved getting or buying me something on the rare occasion.  Very rarely did she ever do little acts of love or service for me beyond what we just normally needed to do in the normal routine of daily life.  I'm not trying to slam her.  It's just the truth.  She literally NEVER told me she loved me unless it was in response to me saying it to her.  I was always  the one initiating affection and intimacy.  Only on the rare occasion did she initiate intimacy.  And, she never initiated affection... .hugs, kisses, hand-holding... .that was always me.  In fact, during her devaluation, she would reject my affection and withhold hers by hugging me as if she just wanted it to be over with, by giving me non-affectionate little peck kisses as if it were an interruption and would literally ignore me when I told her I loved her or asked her if she loved me.  Really?  You're not even going to acknowledge that I just said something or asked you a question as if you didn't even hear it?  All that did was heighten the anxiety and fear that the discard was coming, even though there was no discussion of unhappiness, no discussion of the status of the relationship... .just her distancing, verbally and emotionally abusing, withholding affection and intimacy and rejecting mine.  So damaging.  And it was the fear of this that kept me doing all those things for her even more.  Because I was so focused on keeping her stable and trying to avoid triggering a devaluation and discard that the less she gave back, the more I did for her.  So very damaging. 

[JNChell]

PianoDood, I guess it’s our day to be bumping into each other.

Because I was so focused on keeping her stable and trying to avoid triggering a devaluation and discard that the less she gave back, the more I did for her.  So very damaging.

This is the ultimate end. Recycles can happen in between, but what you’ve described is the be all/end all. Our pwBPD do think like we do much of the time. This is my opinion, and I’m not an expert.

pwBPD aren’t insane psychopaths. They feel the same emotions that we do, but their emotions are off the Richter Scale, and they’re not able to process them in a healthy way. This is why we get abused. Mentally and emotionally, you’re dealing with an individual that is a toddler, to possibly a pre-teen. They have never been taught accountability, and now they’re an adult. They’re in a state of arrested development . They haven’t matured emotionally and mentally because they weren’t properly groomed as children. Is it possible to teach an old dog new tricks? Yes. It is. Find me a willing dog. Pardon the example. Our exes aren’t dogs. We love them. I was only trying to paint a picture.