I am now convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that my mother has BPD

[hamlet5941]

Hi all,

I'm not ready to put the whole big thing into words, because I really want to sit down and spend time typing it with some detail and organization- partially for my own benefit. But basically, I am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that my mother has BPD. Reading other people's stories has been jarring because all of them, nearly all of them, mirror my childhood and much of my adulthood as well, dealing with my mother. Last year I accepted or "realized" that she is "emotionally immature." I got that far. But my whole life with her, I have been dealing with the irrationality, the role reversal (parent-child), manipulation, guilt, blaming, self-centeredness, paranoia, abandonment issues, inability to cope with difficult emotions, complete lack of personal boundaries... .the boundary issues have been the worst. I always just said, "My mom is crazy" but held onto this belief that maybe she would come around eventually. I don't think that she will. I don't think she is capable of objectively viewing her own behaviors enough to ever change. Realizing this has bene a huge relief in one way, but disheartening in others. I'm not yet sure where to go from here, but I think I'm on the right track.

[Harri]

Hi Hamlet5941 and welcome!

Congrats on making your first post.  It is usually the hardest one.   

I found putting a label on my mother's behaviors helped me to understand and, more importantly, to depersonalize events as they occurred. 

Post a more detailed history if you choose.  It does not need to be perfect but I do agree with you that it can be very helpful for you as you navigate your way through.

Looking forward to hearing more from you.

[Panda39]

Hi Hamlet5941,

I want to join Harri and say welcome 

It sounds like you have come to "Radical Acceptance" when it comes to your mom and her behaviors. Getting to radical acceptance is hard but in my opinion a good place to be when your mom has BPD/BPD Traits.  It allows you to take a more objective view when it comes to your relationship with your mom, and when you can be objective and take things less personally it is less painful.

More on Radical Acceptance... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0

I'm glad you decided to jump in and join us and l hope to hear more of your story.

Panda39

[Speck]

Welcome, hamlet5941!

 

I just want to join Harri and Panda39 in welcoming you to the discussion boards. I'm sorry for what brought you here, but I'm glad you're with us. We help and support each other here, so that's what you should expect.

I lurked here for a while before feeling compelled to become a member, and I'm so glad that I have. It sounds like you are having an especially difficult time right now, but I hope that you will stick around and receive the support that you need.

Thank you for sharing what you have thus far:

I am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that my mother has BPD

I hear you. As you most likely know, only a trained specialist can diagnose BPD, but I think you'll find a lot of parallels here - lots of members (including me) have similar stories. Yes, a firm diagnosis can help loved ones feel better by knowing that the odd, hurtful, and confusing behavior has an actual name, however, in my view, it's the behavior that's the problem. And, it sure sounds like her behavior has been a problem for you. I am so sorry for that.

I don't think she is capable of objectively viewing her own behaviors enough to ever change. Realizing this has been a huge relief in one way, but disheartening in others. I'm not yet sure where to go from here, but I think I'm on the right track.

Yes, you are absolutely on the right track. If you look up to the left of your screen under our logo you'll see these words: "Facing Emotionally Intense Relationships." From what you've shared thus far, I would think that your relationship would fall into this category, so just know that you're absolutely in the right place. And we're so glad you're here.

Please tell us more when you're comfortable doing so and feel free to make yourself at home. You are among peers.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning... .


-Speck

[Skip]

Don't be afraid to just tell bits and pieces - it will organize itself as you do. If you look at the trauma recovery model in the right margin, the first seven steps are "remembering". The very first is break-through crisis.

What step sounds like where you are? If you click on each, you will get its explanation in a pop-up window.

Loved your song - it really captures the chaos and boundary over-stepping of these relationships.

[pbnjsandwich]

Hi all,

I'm not ready to put the whole big thing into words, because I really want to sit down and spend time typing it with some detail and organization- partially for my own benefit. But basically, I am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that my mother has BPD. Reading other people's stories has been jarring because all of them, nearly all of them, mirror my childhood and much of my adulthood as well, dealing with my mother. Last year I accepted or "realized" that she is "emotionally immature." I got that far. But my whole life with her, I have been dealing with the irrationality, the role reversal (parent-child), manipulation, guilt, blaming, self-centeredness, paranoia, abandonment issues, inability to cope with difficult emotions, complete lack of personal boundaries... .the boundary issues have been the worst. I always just said, "My mom is crazy" but held onto this belief that maybe she would come around eventually. I don't think that she will. I don't think she is capable of objectively viewing her own behaviors enough to ever change. Realizing this has bene a huge relief in one way, but disheartening in others. I'm not yet sure where to go from here, but I think I'm on the right track.

I think that awareness is the most important step. Just knowing something isn't quite right with your mother. The other part is really about you. Setting boundaries, self-care and, in my opinion, having a good sense of priorities makes for a better relationship.  People with BPD often need someone to set rules in the relationship because they process emotionally.  That's a good start. You might want to talk with a therapist if that would help you to find ways, but, get the book, "Stop Walking on Eggshells." That book will help you in so many ways.

[PennyKenny]

Hi Hamlet5941,

This is my first post too. I chose yours to reply to because everything you have said resonates with me too. I agree that it has been a huge relief but is also disheartening. My 'realisation' is very new and less than a couple of weeks old after a suggestion by a psychologist, about my mother, in our second session. She recommended 'walking on eggshells', too (like pbnjsandwich) so if you haven't yet, I'd really recommended getting a copy of that. It was incredibly eye opening.

I also have no idea where to go from here and, despite now having more information, I still fall into my old patterns with her. Here's hoping that time will change this and she won't make me feel so empty, sad and drowning in guilt (for things I even know aren't my fault). I hope you can heal too.

Wishing you the best,
P