Hi beaten to a pulp absoulutely horrific experience

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

9 months down the drain and from what im reading I should be thankful.
Thoughts of suicide were starting to pour in.
Kept degrading all aspects of life even though I maintained her from finance to the home itself.
Would not allow me to break up w her... .would demand I take her to brothers house and then never leave the car.

I cant get the physical aspect and shouts and crying out of my head.
Derogatory comparisons with ex. Manipulation and build ups to make up for them later.
Tons of sex and then tons of denials.

I caught on with something up on month 2 and she was off her pills so I got them for her. Got some better for 2 months and then started right back up.  Ended out of the blue one day because I sent a link about self governship but in it also described not being attached. She assumed I was trying to throw her out again and asked if I wanted to take her to the airport... .I was floored since I had just explained I could not fight today as I got out of bed.  So I grabbed my phone and offered her a flight and to my incredible surprised she got up to pack... .when I got to airport she started crying but a lot more controlled than before and I was able to walk away gently without a scene and jump in my car.

Later over lots of phone talk convinces me to allow her to come back again and try again. But I lost control after reading the damage these women do and deaths they have caused. And now I had no idea this was like this and understood that I was under PTSD for sure. So i exploded on her in rage and sent her pics of exes to stop her conceited talk about herself and against me expressing she could do better all the time.  Then that she took incredible offense to(just the pictures mind you)... .and she toyed with me once more to calm me down and when I did she began ignore game. Occasionally sending me back the pictures and requesting I call them instead. 

I have never felt so low in my life and I am disgusted w myself and all that transpired and I lived through.
My family has no idea.  And low on friends right now. I dont know where else to turn to. I cant sleep and I do feel less than appreciative of my own life. I dont know how I got here other than for sure having been attracted. 

She was very calculating. Conniving and in my opinion not only BPD but a psychopath.
I feel incredibly lucky to not be in jail right now.
But I also feel disgusted with everything.

There's lots and lots more. But Im not even sure if memory is working right and if that in itself is a blessing.
Heart is extremely heavy. She was out to inflict more pain for setting her straight w other womens pics.
Almost had me too. But I caught on and blocked her. If she works around I know that everything that she says is pure venom and I need to disconnect rather than to talk.  A cunning individual with selfish ego centric drive and an unstoppable force of conniving once she feels abandoned.

Anything any pointers directions or advice ... .please and thank you.

[Rinzler]

9 months down the drain and from what im reading I should be thankful.
Thoughts of suicide were starting to pour in.
Kept degrading all aspects of life even though I maintained her from finance to the home itself.
Would not allow me to break up w her... .would demand I take her to brothers house and then never leave the car.

I cant get the physical aspect and shouts and crying out of my head.
Derogatory comparisons with ex. Manipulation and build ups to make up for them later.
Tons of sex and then tons of denials.

I caught on with something up on month 2 and she was off her pills so I got them for her. Got some better for 2 months and then started right back up.  Ended out of the blue one day because I sent a link about self governship but in it also described not being attached. She assumed I was trying to throw her out again and asked if I wanted to take her to the airport... .I was floored since I had just explained I could not fight today as I got out of bed.  So I grabbed my phone and offered her a flight and to my incredible surprised she got up to pack... .when I got to airport she started crying but a lot more controlled than before and I was able to walk away gently without a scene and jump in my car.

Later over lots of phone talk convinces me to allow her to come back again and try again. But I lost control after reading the damage these women do and deaths they have caused. And now I had no idea this was like this and understood that I was under PTSD for sure. So i exploded on her in rage and sent her pics of exes to stop her conceited talk about herself and against me expressing she could do better all the time.  Then that she took incredible offense to(just the pictures mind you)... .and she toyed with me once more to calm me down and when I did she began ignore game. Occasionally sending me back the pictures and requesting I call them instead. 

I have never felt so low in my life and I am disgusted w myself and all that transpired and I lived through.
My family has no idea.  And low on friends right now. I dont know where else to turn to. I cant sleep and I do feel less than appreciative of my own life. I dont know how I got here other than for sure having been attracted. 

She was very calculating. Conniving and in my opinion not only BPD but a psychopath.
I feel incredibly lucky to not be in jail right now.
But I also feel disgusted with everything.

There's lots and lots more. But Im not even sure if memory is working right and if that in itself is a blessing.
Heart is extremely heavy. She was out to inflict more pain for setting her straight w other womens pics.
Almost had me too. But I caught on and blocked her. If she works around I know that everything that she says is pure venom and I need to disconnect rather than to talk.  A cunning individual with selfish ego centric drive and an unstoppable force of conniving once she feels abandoned.

Anything any pointers directions or advice ... .please and thank you.

[Aiko]

Many of us have been exactly where you are and as you can feel, it is incredibly difficult.  Know you are not alone, many have passed through the same gates and with strength, knowledge, and knowing you are not alone, you will make it through. All the things you have lost, courage strength confidence, they all will coma back in time.  Take it one day at a time, celebrate small victories, like making through a day without being dragged back in, and days will add to weeks then months.
I'm at 6 months and remember too vividly where you are today, and I promise it gets better. No contact, take care of yourself, channel your energy and thoughts to yourself, hit the gym if you can.  Eventually it will get better, you will meet someone else and you will have learned.
Above all, be happy you're out at the one year mark vs a lifetime of this.

[Mutt]

Hi Rinzler,

 

I’d like to join Aiko and welcome you to the family. I’m sorry that you went through such a terrible experience. I agree with everything Aiko I just wanted to highlight one thing specifically validate yourself on a daily basis for making it through the day.

You’re not alone. I think of being in a r/s with a pwBPD similar to divorce if you talk about divorce with people that have gone through the experience they’ll flinch and know instantly how tough it is. Those that haven’t gone through can sympathetic but can’t completely get it like your family. I think you have to have gone through the experience of being in a r/s with a pwBPD to completely empathize with that person. Granted family and friends mean well it’s best to seek the help of those that have gone through it. Are you still talking to your ex?

[Cromwell]

Hi Rinzler

Please know that there are people here that can relate to what you are going through now.

This anger that you are feeling as well as sounding stressed to the max, all I can say is been there.

The advice i would give is to not fight fire with fire. i think one of the best things I did - and I was without any professional insight or help at those times - was to not react. The very rare times I did only allowed for unleashing the wrath of hell. ive never experienced anyone that could harbour a grudge over anything that id seen as so trivial. I was after all, just reacting back to being mistreated in the first place. my ex didnt comprehend this like a normal minded person would.

she triangulated, orchestrated a campaign to run me down, drove me nuts with gaslighting then nodded off to sleep each night beside me. it was far more torture than if she would have been violent or even just her usual cryptic verbally abusive self.

try to defuse and be smart about untangling your way out. I knew mines well enough that she was extreme when it came to the notion of "vengeance" on people (a phone book long) who had "wronged her".

im not allowed by these board rules to tell you to leave the relationship. I didnt leave straight away, the reasons were because i needed to let her in some way feel that she had "won". i used what little mental strength left to spend every day trying to find a safe way out.

I realise from other peoples experience, whilst so much i hear about the condition is remarkably similar. your knowledge of her and your circumstances are unique, as well as the way you decide what to do about it.

thats the hardest part for me to give you any advice or pointers.

ive read what youve been through, what you think of her, how you feel about it all and I can emphathise.

but i dont know what it is you actually want to do about it?

Cromwell

[Rinzler]

Thank you all 3 for your insight and words. You put down a lot of incredibly precise recourses that I completely agree with.

Aiko: thank you for sharing... .i really hope to be back in full swing asap... .I definitely do not feel like myself.

Mutt: 100 % about seeking ppl who at least know more than say family... .my parents adored her because what happens with this condition is when they are not around ppl they know or are close with they act basically normal and extra nice.
I told them already that I put her on a flight and ce la vie. They were neither too upset or shocked because I had already told them previously that this could happen because there was trouble in paradise. They were a little disappointed but I left and just left it alone Ill explain more details to them later. To answer your question she started with a text today wishing me well on an interview she knew I had(her flight was last week). Which was absolutely a mind bomb as I was gearing for it and put her far from my front cortex as possible. I didnt answer and shut off the ringer. I went to the interview which I did phenomenal on I have no idea where and how I got it all together being that I only slept 4 hours and I did not prepare sufficiantly imo but I dug deep and kept my compusure and worked magic. I am thankful that last night I had no choice but to reach out to a diff ex who we have always kept in touch for years and is a very wise person. I almost cancelled from going and she lifted my spirit and demanded I go. I thanked her dearly this afternoon.  So when I got downstairs to my car I saw she had also had in her stupidity and unintentionally assumed it ended in half an hour and had called me during the interview which would have completely BOTCHED MY MIND PROCESS since as it is she was cropping up. So at this stage I texted her angrily and extremely derogatorily. So she disappeared from that chat app. Later she emailed me a link which I didnt open but its a business related item.  Then later this eveing started a barrage of textings.  She was litterally locked in a bathroom w her mother demanding to take the phone away from her and in over her head with drama. I felt absolutely bad for her. And finally did reply explaining to not instigate her mother further(she has unmedicated bipolar) and to just factory reset her phone and give it to her.  Then she started cracking jokes about it all and I was instantly disgusted by this as it is exactly how she is after one of our disgusting fights.  So I didnt answer that. An hour goes by and so she texts again and starts GUILT GAME(i am getting hip to this fukn horse maneur)starts telling me she is going to leave me alone now and that to take care forever more. LOL sob! So to this I replied with another helpful link about herself.  https://mental-health-matters.com/borderline-personality-and-abuse/
I explained I had done all I could to help her. And that yesterday I tried to explain why I did not hug her goodbye at the airport due to past this creating a huge scene and then we not breaking up.  And that I was trying to explain that I was on the fine edge of losing my mind and she made it a joke to her family out loud as I spoke to her.
Then I explained I had lost trust in her as well as respect. And that I advised for her to get a job and spend large portions of all her time to read about her condition. And then I finally blocked her on that app.  So she is blocked entirely from my phone now.  So I did talk to her and I was more constructive today but via text and not verbally.

She did thank me for all I did. She replied with okay and okay and then another okay.

Tbh what she was saying to me here is okay I see you are not going to take me back again.  And I have gone ahead and convinced someone else to aid me in escaping my parents house, qoute possibly the ex or 1 other person. Both of which caused major fights between us because I caught on and attempted to extract her for these offenses but they were failed extractions.

Cromwell:  I think that I am attempting to override my heart and feelings of guilt while disregarding the fact that she does maybe love me somewhere in there.  But the damage I guess is irrepairable.  So I am expecting and demanding myself to get past this lunacy and never see this person again.

I guess today she did decide to forgive me for my pics of my exes that shattered her world.  And was also one of the rarer moments where I stoop down to her level of personal attack. While it was finally so fukn gracious of her to let go of my offense in contrast to how many timese I have let hers go in 9 months... .she was so vindictive and setting me up to frustrate me as I tried to relay to her a pseudo apology that it was somewhat too late to accept my offer because it showed to me once again her selfishness and demand that only she be given leniency but if you make her taste her own medicine well then god forbid.

Tomorrow: Jog,  benching,  and abs. Meditation, relaxation, dating profile.

Hardening for more attempted calls or texts or emails as well as manipulative talk. While preparing to accept the emptyness of no contact and or partner in life now.  Which is really the antidote to the hardening.  SMH.  Hence this is difficult.

I am not super proud that I replied texted. I am content that I didnt listen to her voice though.
I am also content that I did as one of you suggested and not fight fire w fire... .I was going to post a picture of me w another woman in the chat app tomorrow just to mess w her as she does me. But Ive decided not too. After all im supposed to be the sane one.

Still crushed by all this as I had hoped we could have conquered or cured somehow or reach a point of balanced zen. We did have a 2 month stint or was it one? the rest was all nightmares.

I have to convince myself and remind myself that even tho my personality knows that sometimes somethings take work... .that maybe I need to subscribe to the cliches that the first months should be bliss and honeymoon phase. As we both agreed that ours would come later... .well it never did month 4 or 5 were the 1 or 2 good months so maybe that was it.  But as per my non BPD ex thats just bull crap we should have been floating on clouds for several mos.

Thank you again. I am listening. Really thank you.

And I am sorry for how incoherent my first post is. Thanks for sifting and going in harder for me. It was late like tonight but I was truly out of it.

So true about the fire w fire thing its not worth it she just doesnt process that shes being selfish.
I feel bad I wish I could amass all the info and be here super duper partner but I have to focus on this jobs duties now as I feel I am going to land it.  And well she is conniving and w low trust I would be likely wasting my time. Theres a part of me that thinks she wouldnt have been disloyal to me while with me... .but she really was preparing 2 other options for herself and she is probably solidifying one now since I dissed her today.  And well then screw this viper emotional vampire and screw her disease I come first. I put her first for 9 mos and look how she was prepping to pay me back. But its true it is better to be calm... .we are far from each other. I just have to rebuild myself now and stay focused.





  

[Mutt]

Kudos on acing the interview!    I’d just like make a suggestion if you want to start the detachment process reduce contact to a bare minimum or go no contact. Thoughts?

[Rinzler]

Kudos on acing the interview!    I’d just like make a suggestion if you want to start the detachment process reduce contact to a bare minimum or go no contact. Thoughts?

Thank you. And agreed 100% yesterday I manipulated her w more pics claiming they were recent to trigger her rage into divulging what she was up to as far as prospects.  And it worked she showed evidence of 3 prospects she was working on concurrently. I wanted this as fuel for me. And it is working for me as I feel less love and more despise. I now have over 24 hours with zero contact or replies she has attempted contact twice over today. This information has helped my resolve which in my opinion is at strong to very strong level.  I want to push it to very strong and will have to think on what to focus on to do that tomorrow.  
As of today my feelings of anxiety and almost panic have subsided these happen in the bed we shared tho so that awaits me still. There was sadness here and there but not as bad as last two days. I did not however make it to the gym but I plan to tomorrow. I feel better and stronger.

[Cromwell]

Thank you. And agreed 100% yesterday I manipulated her w more pics claiming they were recent to trigger her rage into divulging what she was up to as far as prospects.  And it worked she showed evidence of 3 prospects she was working on concurrently. I wanted this as fuel for me. And it is working for me as I feel less love and more despise. I now have over 24 hours with zero contact or replies she has attempted contact twice over today. This information has helped my resolve which in my opinion is at strong to very strong level.  I want to push it to very strong and will have to think on what to focus on to do that tomorrow.  
As of today my feelings of anxiety and almost panic have subsided these happen in the bed we shared tho so that awaits me still. There was sadness here and there but not as bad as last two days. I did not however make it to the gym but I plan to tomorrow. I feel better and stronger.

compared to how gorgous my ex is, when I saw pictures of her exs and also people she tried to make me jealous by showing me as you say "new prospects" on FB she had in mind... .pass the vomit bucket quick!

There was 15 years difference between me and her, of course I felt special and im blessed with good genetics in the sense that I looked close to her own age. I think in many ways she felt a great deal of jealousy towards me as oppossed to the usual targets she apparently had. The little bit of revenge I got was going with one her mutual friends after she cheated on me and this really sparked things up all over again. what I did wrong was to let her crawl back I should have just ended things there. What makes me feel so strange is how well I got on with this other woman, she was just as attractive, wanted a serious relationship with me, no mental illness etc, but something dragged me back to the BPD. looking at it now it was almost a sense of pity I felt for her roped in with the love I originally felt. I always get the visual image of putting your hand to help someone drowning, they could easily then save themselves but for some reason instead think its a good idea to pull you in to drown with them.

anyway, have a good day and try not to be too revengeful, be the mature one and youll feel better for it once the anger of being so close to the event has passed.

[Rinzler]

Tonight after reading a few more threads I began to realize I have truly escaped from a horrible future.
I have also escaped my worst nightmare. To start a family with absolutely the WRONG PERSON.
To be stuck w someone who you have to constantly be expecting the unexpected and at the worst times also.

I want to thank you all who post your horrific experiences. Because prior to me dumping the crap out of this "person" I read on here and other places.  The stories convinced me that there was no future w such an ignorant distorted contorted "person".  It was your suffering that did not go in vain that served to me a warning.  And I heeded. I heard your agony. And although I suffer thru my own you have helped me. I was put through the worst 8 mos of my life. But you gave me the courage to discard this thing, put it on a flight, and watch it cry without a hug goodbye. She remorsed for days about that calling me cruel. And in just about the day or so after that went straight to an ex and launched a drug binge and nights over. She tried to pass them off as nothing having happened but it wasnt working I can see her overacting this time, and it now made the past lies that much more clear. The whole time she was forcing video chat so she can put what she forgot she told me is "her angel face" to work. This demon who I also recently recalled on her online profile wrote "I will make you question reality" and I asked what thats about? she lied and explained its because she argues and shows people other points of views. This was a lie I am convinced she knows exactly what she really meant here. When an individual expresses a desire to make herself look innocent on purpose all the time while malevolently planning the worst, there is no sympathy that should be afforded them.

So thank you, it is disheartening to say the least.  But thank you.  And I hope that as you find the courage to leave your anchors, you do so with no regrets.  And with aspirations of dating someone normal. Imagine that being with someone normal?  Instead of denying that these aberrations' disgusting behavior and complete abnormalities are somehow acceptable.

Thanks to those who have endured much more time and much more pain. You will recover and you can beat these animals even at their own games. It will all be worth it when you have your peace and a bright future back in your hands. Despise these creatures and make "love" as fleeting as possible when it comes to them.

I sincerely believe that I will come out stronger than ever before from this. Both my selection process and my radar for DISTURBED beings will be enhanced. I hope that if you are having a hard time developing a strong resolution towards disconnecting from these people that you step back for a moment after reading stories here... .take a bigger broader generalized viewpoint... .step back and see just how abnormal these experiences are and just what an uphill battle you are up for by not walking away from these aberrations instead.

Wishing everyone a brighter more sane future that IS attainable. Thank you again to me you guys and gals are champions of life.