Easter Without my BPD Mom

[Our abuse recovery guide]

So as you may know, Easter is coming up and holidays can be particularly triggering for people with BPD. For the first time, my BPD mom hasn't tried to get me to spend it with her. There haven't been any guilt trips. However, we also haven't had much contact. I have no intention of making Easter about her this year, but I don't want to completely exclude her either.

Context: I am the adult daughter of a BPD mom. Major holidays, like Easter and Christmas, can be really hard for her. We had a falling out at Christmas over a misunderstanding. She said that I purposefully excluded her from the planning, that I didn't want to spend time with her, and that I cared more about my dad than I did about her (they're divorced). I had planned my entire holiday around her. I drove twelve hours a weekend to spend time with her after my sister moved abroad. I've canceled plans with friends and my boyfriend's family to be there for her, but it wasn't enough. I ended up feeling like I had ruined yet another holiday for her. I felt like such a failure.

I reached out to her for her birthday (january), just to say that I was thinking about her and to wish her a happy birthday. No response. My grandparents were throwing her a party in february, and I made one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make: I didn't go. I feel really selfish admitting it, but I wasn't strong enough to be there for her after what happened at Christmas. I was this little ball of pain and guilt and shame and sadness and fear. I didn't want to ruin this for her. I also needed the time to build myself back up. I told her and my grandparents that I was unable to attend, and that I was working on myself so we could have a better relationship. A few days later she sent me a message offering to help with one of the more complex christmas gifts she had sent us (a cider/wine kit), and to contact her if ever we were missing anything. I thanked her and told her we would save her a bottle. She said that would be nice. They'll be ready to drink this weekend actually. On Valentine's day, I sent her a message about something that happened when I was younger, where she did something that meant a lot to me. She said that she remembered and thanked me for sharing and said she loved me. Last week she sent me some tax stuff that came to the house. We haven't had much contact since.

It's been a rough few months. I was really hurt by what happened at Christmas, but I know she was too. And I know that she's trying. She's doing her best and I just don't know how to tell her that I've noticed and I appreciate it without hurting myself in the process. I won't be seeing her for Easter this year, but I want her to know that I still think about her and still care.

[phantomglitter]

So as you may know, Easter is coming up and holidays can be particularly triggering for people with BPD. For the first time, my BPD mom hasn't tried to get me to spend it with her. There haven't been any guilt trips. However, we also haven't had much contact. I have no intention of making Easter about her this year, but I don't want to completely exclude her either.

Context: I am the adult daughter of a BPD mom. Major holidays, like Easter and Christmas, can be really hard for her. We had a falling out at Christmas over a misunderstanding. She said that I purposefully excluded her from the planning, that I didn't want to spend time with her, and that I cared more about my dad than I did about her (they're divorced). I had planned my entire holiday around her. I drove twelve hours a weekend to spend time with her after my sister moved abroad. I've canceled plans with friends and my boyfriend's family to be there for her, but it wasn't enough. I ended up feeling like I had ruined yet another holiday for her. I felt like such a failure.

I reached out to her for her birthday (january), just to say that I was thinking about her and to wish her a happy birthday. No response. My grandparents were throwing her a party in february, and I made one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make: I didn't go. I feel really selfish admitting it, but I wasn't strong enough to be there for her after what happened at Christmas. I was this little ball of pain and guilt and shame and sadness and fear. I didn't want to ruin this for her. I also needed the time to build myself back up. I told her and my grandparents that I was unable to attend, and that I was working on myself so we could have a better relationship. A few days later she sent me a message offering to help with one of the more complex christmas gifts she had sent us (a cider/wine kit), and to contact her if ever we were missing anything. I thanked her and told her we would save her a bottle. She said that would be nice. They'll be ready to drink this weekend actually. On Valentine's day, I sent her a message about something that happened when I was younger, where she did something that meant a lot to me. She said that she remembered and thanked me for sharing and said she loved me. Last week she sent me some tax stuff that came to the house. We haven't had much contact since.

It's been a rough few months. I was really hurt by what happened at Christmas, but I know she was too. And I know that she's trying. She's doing her best and I just don't know how to tell her that I've noticed and I appreciate it without hurting myself in the process. I won't be seeing her for Easter this year, but I want her to know that I still think about her and still care.

[pbnjsandwich]

So as you may know, Easter is coming up and holidays can be particularly triggering for people with BPD. For the first time, my BPD mom hasn't tried to get me to spend it with her. There haven't been any guilt trips. However, we also haven't had much contact. I have no intention of making Easter about her this year, but I don't want to completely exclude her either.

Context: I am the adult daughter of a BPD mom. Major holidays, like Easter and Christmas, can be really hard for her. We had a falling out at Christmas over a misunderstanding. She said that I purposefully excluded her from the planning, that I didn't want to spend time with her, and that I cared more about my dad than I did about her (they're divorced). I had planned my entire holiday around her. I drove twelve hours a weekend to spend time with her after my sister moved abroad. I've canceled plans with friends and my boyfriend's family to be there for her, but it wasn't enough. I ended up feeling like I had ruined yet another holiday for her. I felt like such a failure.

I reached out to her for her birthday (january), just to say that I was thinking about her and to wish her a happy birthday. No response. My grandparents were throwing her a party in february, and I made one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make: I didn't go. I feel really selfish admitting it, but I wasn't strong enough to be there for her after what happened at Christmas. I was this little ball of pain and guilt and shame and sadness and fear. I didn't want to ruin this for her. I also needed the time to build myself back up. I told her and my grandparents that I was unable to attend, and that I was working on myself so we could have a better relationship. A few days later she sent me a message offering to help with one of the more complex christmas gifts she had sent us (a cider/wine kit), and to contact her if ever we were missing anything. I thanked her and told her we would save her a bottle. She said that would be nice. They'll be ready to drink this weekend actually. On Valentine's day, I sent her a message about something that happened when I was younger, where she did something that meant a lot to me. She said that she remembered and thanked me for sharing and said she loved me. Last week she sent me some tax stuff that came to the house. We haven't had much contact since.

It's been a rough few months. I was really hurt by what happened at Christmas, but I know she was too. And I know that she's trying. She's doing her best and I just don't know how to tell her that I've noticed and I appreciate it without hurting myself in the process. I won't be seeing her for Easter this year, but I want her to know that I still think about her and still care.

Hello Love!  What a compassion woman you are.  Just letting your mom know you care is all that is needed. You don't have to say anything or do anything more. Sometimes, that's all that is needed.  ♥

[Speck]

Hello, phantwowlitter!

Thank you for sharing your story with us:

So as you may know, Easter is coming up and holidays can be particularly triggering for people with BPD.  I won't be seeing her for Easter this year, but I want her to know that I still think about her and still care.

I read your whole post and understand where you are coming from when it comes to taking care of yourself by limiting contact with your mother. You are a very thoughtful person, and I can tell that you love your mother very much. Even so, I will have to echo pbnjsandwich, and say that your letting your mother know that you are thinking of her and care about her is all that is needed.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning.


-Speck

[Harri]

Hi phantwowlitter.

What are your plans for Easter? 

I was this little ball of pain and guilt and shame and sadness and fear. I didn't want to ruin this for her.

   That sounds so painful, but even during that time you were thinking of her with such concern and compassion. 

I also needed the time to build myself back up.

Your awareness of this and the respect you showed yourself is wonderful.  It sounds like doing this was a new thing for you.  Is that accurate? 

Do you think you will send her an email or a card to let her know you are thinking of her?  What are your plans for Easter?  Will this be the first holiday without her for you?