Idealizing a child, emotionally clinging-I have guilt and shame I need support

[Thea]

Ever since I realized, like really realized that my spouse is not emotionally healthy- I have been seeing the slow course of emotional hooking and dependency on one child particularly as I pull my emotions out of the relationship. Now I feel guilty and absolute disgust, is this BPD with NPD?

[Mutt]

Hi Thea,

How old is the child? I’m sorry I don’t know your backstory are they your kids?

[Thea]

7 - i am afraid to write anything anywhere  they are ours i am tired

[Mutt]

You’ve probably seen similarities with other members stories it all blends together - this is an anonymous group. Are you seeing a T? What do you do for self care? What’s your support network like?

[Thea]

I dont do much for myself. I was doing yoga in the mornings and she was laughing at me. I will not leave the kids home with her. I am also trying tostart a business and she is sabotaging me. I cant even pay the mortgage anymore. I am so worried about how to proceed. I have no where togo. I only have one person. I thinkshe has NPD too. I am increasingly feeling nervous. Today I was gaslit 10 times. My sister sent me a very old ipad and this cause more stress. accusing me of always getting things from everyone. but she is the one who never stops asking and getting and even stealing.

[Harri]

Hi Thea.  I just went back and read your posts and I can see that you are dealing with a lot of very frustrating and difficult things.  Having 3 young kids to take care of plus another 2 and trying to start a business while homeschooling is a lot to contend with, never mind doing it all with a BPD/NPD spouse.

One thing I do want to say is that you are safe posting here as long as you log out, use a unique (to you) username and clear your history after coming here.  :)oing those things are a must so that you can continue to post here in peace and get the support you deserve and need right now.  

This site is a wonderful place of support.  A lot of people have been in similar situations and have managed, over time, to get out.  Even without a T, this site can help you learn self-care and how to use communication tools that can help you to deal with things.

This is going to sound like a small thing, but how about going back to doing yoga?  It might be hard if she continues to make comments and put you down for it, but the benefits may out weigh any drawback.  It is a small step toward self-care and independence.  What do you think?

[Mutt]

Hi Thea.  I just went back and read your posts and I can see that you are dealing with a lot of very frustrating and difficult things.  Having 3 young kids to take care of plus another 2 and trying to start a business while homeschooling is a lot to contend with, never mind doing it all with a BPD/NPD spouse.

Wow Thea. I can see why you’re tired. I agree with Harri there’s a lot of support here even if you don’t have a T plus we’re always there’s always someone to talk to.

I just wanted to add to what Harri said about Yoga I go to a gym and I noticed that they have yoga sessions with an instructor. What I love about going to the gym is that it’s me time, no kids, no work, no calls, no emails it’s just you. I can see how it would be hard if you’re getting ridiculed at home if you have the option how leaving the house and doing yoga at a recreation center or gym? If you don’t have that option I agree with Harri do your yoga it’s going to help.

[Speck]

Hey, Thea:

It really sounds like you are having a terrible time. I'm so sorry for that.

You have found the best place in the world for understanding, compassion, and education as it relates to healing from the abusive behavior of others. Do you know how to start setting some small boundaries in order to protect yourself from further misuse and emotional harm? It doesn't have to be anything big, or a huge announcement. Just something for yourself, like continuing the yoga, like Harri is suggesting?

When you have nowhere to go and no one to count on, remember, you have legions of kindred folks here at your fingertips. We are here for you. Please let us know how best to support you.


-Speck

[Thea]

I have been doing some research, watching some youtube videos about Narcissistic Personality disorder. I think its a combination. There is something so dark and cold about her now. Sometimes I shudder.

Today she learned that my sister sent me her old Ipad and it was so much humiliation around it- the comments were very strange. I tried to think about the youtuber "Surviving and Thriving" who shares tips on how to handle this sort of thing, but I just couldn't get my head right at the moment. The things she was saying were- "you get everything from everyone, I mean this isn't for the kids? why do you need so much?" SHe is entitled, takes and takes, even steals. I rarely am given things. It was just mean. Why wouldn't you be happy? why wouldn't the answer be- "wow that's awesome of your sister to send that for you!" Isn't that the normal response? Why would the eff is she this mean? its mean. and if I say its mean she will point out all the ways it could be worse, she might then say- "I'm just being honest right? You get things from people", (and reference the idea that my adult daughter bought me a computer so I could get my business really going) "Im not upset about anything, why would you take it that way? Its not like I took it or threw it, Im not yelling, Im not swearing, I am calmly talking.  I can show you upset if you need to understand this better"

Holy woah- just writing that makes it seem even crazier.

[Speck]

Wow... .Thea,

"I can show you upset if you need to understand this better."

I see what you mean in this example. This must be what you hear day in and day out. I'm sorry you're confronted with this. It most definitely does not sound harmonious, and it seems as though your partner is chewing on resentment.

Is there any way that you can simply tell her to stop talking to you that way? Perhaps, just make the statement calmly and without further comment? If you did, would it be the first time you've set a boundary in this way?

Keep writing... .we'll get you through this.


-Speck

[Thea]

When I ask her to stop whatever is happening that's when she tells me she can make it worse. I have said, a few times and this seems to have lessened it, "I know you have a lot of ideas how to make this situation worse, but Im already uncomfortable with this and Im choosing not to interact with you at this level. If you can come up with other ideas, about how to do better, I am opening to having that conversation. I am longer available for this style of communication" Then with any rebuttal I simply state that I am choosing to be responsible for my energy and not deciding whats ok for her, only me.

[Speck]

Thea:

When I ask her to stop whatever is happening that's when she tells me she can make it worse. I have said, a few times and this seems to have lessened it, "I know you have a lot of ideas how to make this situation worse, but Im already uncomfortable with this and Im choosing not to interact with you at this level. If you can come up with other ideas, about how to do better, I am opening to having that conversation. I am longer available for this style of communication" Then with any rebuttal I simply state that I am choosing to be responsible for my energy and not deciding whats ok for her, only me.

Well, that is brilliant! I think you're doing a great job, there. Unfortunately, it only works some of the time. We now need to come up with a way that it can work ALL of the time. Consistency is key, I think. What do you think?


-Speck

[Mutt]

Hi Thea,

I think that she’s jealous that someone else gave you an iPad something you needed and wanted and she feels inferior because she didn’t provide the iPad for you.

[Thea]

Hi Thea,

I think that she’s jealous that someone else gave you an iPad something you needed and wanted and she feels inferior because she didn’t provide the iPad for you.

She could not care less about what I have, she wants to make sure I realize that I am nothing, that I am worth nothing, and that without her no one cares about me. Today should be interesting, my daughter is about to get me the iPhone X because I need something for my business. She is the only one worthy of receiving. She is very mean. She sits around pointing fingers about how everyone else should be at work, at school, on and on... .demeaning people's job all sorts of standards and requirements while she sits on her fat rear collecting disability and applying for social service entitlements - its disgusting. The stories I could tell you ... .yesterday she posted on FB that I hed the essential oils she is disturbed! They are literally right int he drawer in the pantry - anything for sympathy!

I'm constantly weighing the risks... .because there is ZERO  benefit to continuing this relationship. I just don't know how to get her out of our lives. ANd THIS my friends is NO WAY TO LIVE!