Building an action plan Part 3: Treatment or Separation?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all, I'm building on this thread to gain insights on my situation and also to share my experience for others who are in this kind of deeply conflicted place.

For those who haven't caught the previous installments of this thread (linked below), I'm reaching a crisis point in my relationship with my uBPDw. She has attacked both me and our children physically, destroyed my personal belongings, and is in a regular cycle of dysregulated behavior that is wearing away my strength. I have involved the police on two separate occasions, spoken to a lawyer about options, got myself into secret therapy, gathered evidence of her illness, and notified my family of the situation to gain their support.

I have clearly outlined to my wife that if these behaviors continue, it may end with her being arrested, but that if she attends DBT classes at our local hospital, she will have my love and support. She asked a few questions about the classes but has not brought it up since. Overall, we are in a holding pattern of living together amicably during normal periods interspersed with incredibly tense confrontations following events like the above. But I do not think the holding pattern will hold much longer.    

I know it's best to bring up treatment in the context of love and not with an ultimatum. But right now I feel so damaged by what's happened it's often hard to summon that love. I'm wavering between trying to be loving to establish space to discuss treatment and detaching to let her feel the consequences of her behavior. I have fantasies of life if she gets better as well as fantasies of life with someone new. Over the last few weeks I've been periodically slipping into deep depressions which I take to be in response to mourning the loss of our relationship as it was. The end of what's been is coming in some form.

Looking forward to hearing everyone's thoughts on this, thanks!  

~ROE  

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=321472.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=322152.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=322861.0

[RolandOfEld]

Hi all, I'm building on this thread to gain insights on my situation and also to share my experience for others who are in this kind of deeply conflicted place.

For those who haven't caught the previous installments of this thread (linked below), I'm reaching a crisis point in my relationship with my uBPDw. She has attacked both me and our children physically, destroyed my personal belongings, and is in a regular cycle of dysregulated behavior that is wearing away my strength. I have involved the police on two separate occasions, spoken to a lawyer about options, got myself into secret therapy, gathered evidence of her illness, and notified my family of the situation to gain their support.

I have clearly outlined to my wife that if these behaviors continue, it may end with her being arrested, but that if she attends DBT classes at our local hospital, she will have my love and support. She asked a few questions about the classes but has not brought it up since. Overall, we are in a holding pattern of living together amicably during normal periods interspersed with incredibly tense confrontations following events like the above. But I do not think the holding pattern will hold much longer.    

I know it's best to bring up treatment in the context of love and not with an ultimatum. But right now I feel so damaged by what's happened it's often hard to summon that love. I'm wavering between trying to be loving to establish space to discuss treatment and detaching to let her feel the consequences of her behavior. I have fantasies of life if she gets better as well as fantasies of life with someone new. Over the last few weeks I've been periodically slipping into deep depressions which I take to be in response to mourning the loss of our relationship as it was. The end of what's been is coming in some form.

Looking forward to hearing everyone's thoughts on this, thanks!  

~ROE  

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=321472.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=322152.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=322861.0

[greenyard]

Hey Roland,

You are a very compassionate and patient person. I see that you are hurt and are feeling damaged. I know how you feel - depression, the hopelessness, and the fantasies of it being better and the opposite, being with someone else. There will be light at the end of the tunnel sometime soon.

How long do you plan on waiting or remaining in the holding pattern? This was a concept I struggled with for so long. I still don't know how to answer that question for myself. I've also used counts, like, if she does this 1 more time, I'm leaving. Ultimately, I left one day and could not find in me to come home. It certainly is much more challenging for you having children. I think you will just continue to try and try until either, you personally can't take it anymore (my case), or something bad like a serious injury happens (hopefully the former occurs).

I hope you are taking action to care for yourself?

[juju2]

Hi,

You are gentle and kind.

What I am just starting to realize is, we, I, don't really know who I am dealing with.

All this time, for me, 10 years, I really did not have a clue.

What I realize also, is they go thru a lot of dysfunction.  They are like a ball of fire, going thru life
  Everything I know, all of my previous experience needs to be thrown out.

Once I can realize THAT.  I am ahead. My ego needs to be thrown out.  I need to get it, this is not personal.

Now you are ready to learn.  Learn, read, read about the tools, post, help others here.

Hope is here.

juju

[RolandOfEld]

Hi greenyard, like you its a situation of evaluating how much I can take, which I'm working on with my therapist, and being ready if the situation explodes and we need to make a change immediately, whichever shoe drops first.

I've been ramping up the self care. I'm going to sign up for accapella class near my house to get back some enjoyment. I decided to continue with a therapist that was previously subsidized by my company by privately transferring some money here from my US accounts. I've gotten back in touch with my estranged brother and told him about the situation, and am in the process of telling the rest of my family to get their support.

Hi juju, I too am reevaluating the last 10 years on the terms of the way it SHOULD have been, not the way it was. It's like I've been given a peek into another universe where people have relationships in which they feel safe and that it's totally a normal thing. I know I can have that some day, or that I am at least as entitled to it as anyone else.

~ROE  

[ortac77]

Hi RolandofEid

I think the question of how much I can take is one we all have to work through. For me the last few months have felt like the shades have finally fallen from my eyes and once I could see what was really going on rather than living in a fantasy I finally realised that I was putting my attention and care in the wrong places.

Ultimately any decision for your wife will be hers, you are right to build in consequences - it is also right to offer support should she choose DBT. Even if she chooses the latter things may not improve or at least not quickly. The key to any therapy is engagement and actually doing the work required, it is not an easy road.

I am glad you are working on self-care, its so important and I hope that you find some personal joy. I also agree that telling family and friends is important so that you get some support, they may not understand the complexities of BPD but at least they can be there for you.

I think we all go through the fantasies of if they get better or what life may look like with a new relationship, I think we have been damaged by these relationships and I know for me I must continue to work on myself before any future relationship will work - I know I deserve better and I deserve more but ultimately I need to understand how I got so wrapped up in this relationship first and cure my needs to rescue.

In peace

[RolandOfEld]

Thanks, ortact77, agree on all of the above including needing to understand how we got here. That's something I'm working on with my T.

~ROE

[RolandOfEld]

Dear all, nothing new to report but today I feel like I am just losing it. I feel utterly and completely at the end of my rope. Nothing is happening right now but I'm always tensed waiting for the next explosion. I never know whats going to happen or if I'm going to have to go to the police today. My wife has been on good behavior which makes me feel guilty for the things I have been doing, e.g. secret therapy, talking to my family, to a lawyer, etc. I have almost constant acid reflux. The kids are so hard to deal with when I'm in this state. From the second I get home it's almost non stop work, bathing them, stopping fights, getting them to sleep, cleaning up, etc. My D2 has been getting me up multiple times every night for the past few weeks and its been so long since I slept well. I can't even get myself up to watch a little TV. I miss the USA and my family and friends so much. I miss having the comfort of the environment and all my favorite foods, which are almost impossible to come by here in Asia. I'm so burned out on the culture and people here right now. I have almost no real friends here and none I can really talk to about the situation.  I just want to jump on a flight home and crawl into a comfy American bed in comfy American weather and sleep for a week.

Thanks to everyone for listening.      

~ROE

PS - I'm at work today on Saturday to make up for a national holiday we will have next week. They don't just give out extra holiday here, you have to work on the weekend to cover the difference. That gives you a sense of the work / vacation culture here.

[ortac77]

Hi ROE

It sounds like you really need a break, I know for me I have a busy and sometimes exhausting job and the need to rest and get some me time is so important. Add in the uncertainty of living with BPD and it can be  hell of a ride. I really know what you mean and hope you can get some space and peace for you. Beware the Guilt, you have aright and obligation to do what is right for you

In peace

[RolandOfEld]

Thanks, ortac77.

I think the key to overcoming guilt is to take a wider perspective on things. When we're setting boundaries, it's easy to focus on the immediate discomfort it is causing our partner. But if we take a wider stance, we can see number 1 the actions that THEY took to bring about this consequence and number 2, how setting this boundary is much better for them in the long run. I'm going to therapy and contacting my family because SHE created an environment that I could no longer cope with alone. By going to therapy, I'm helping myself become a person that can do the things needed to improve everyone's well being. 

~ROE

[I Am Redeemed]

Thanks, ortac77.

I think the key to overcoming guilt is to take a wider perspective on things. When we're setting boundaries, it's easy to focus on the immediate discomfort it is causing our partner. But if we take a wider stance, we can see number 1 the actions that THEY took to bring about this consequence and number 2, how setting this boundary is much better for them in the long run. I'm going to therapy and contacting my family because SHE created an environment that I could no longer cope with alone. By going to therapy, I'm helping myself become a person that can do the things needed to improve everyone's well being. 

~ROE

Good job combating the guilt feelings ROE. You have every right to set boundaries and do things to protect and take care of yourself.

I understand completely how stressful it is to deal with the uncertainty and anxiety and try to take care of kids at the same time. S2 has also been getting me up several times during the night and I feel like a walking zombie half the time. It also makes me more prone to frustration and irritability. I start therapy this week so I hope that will help me to deal with the stress and overwhelming feelings.

I hope you can keep your focus on your goal. Sometimes when the pwBPD is on good behavior, we start to lose our resolve or second guess our decisions. Then when the switch in behavior comes, we are caught off guard and unprepared, and we forget the steps of the plan we had made. It certainly is a roller coaster of emotions when we bounce from crisis mode to eggshell mode and hold our breath so to speak waiting to see what happens next. Sometimes the part where we are not taking action is the hardest- we don't know what action will be necessary next.

Glad you are still in therapy, and I hope your singing class will provide you with some much-needed stress relief. Take care and keep us updated.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed