I told him he has BPD and he says he's not going to therapy

[JadedHeart]

So, after a huge fight with my boyfriend, I suggested that he go talk to someone. Although I read somewhere that you shouldn't tell them that they have BPD, I straight up did! I told him that I had discovered something that sounded very similar to him and suggested he look it up and read about it and see if he can relate. I don't care if it was the wrong thing to do, I wanted him to know that this is a real thing and he MOST DEFINITELY has it. He just went silent and didn't say much just that he wasn't going to see a therapist and that was final. When he said that it just broke my heart because what I hear is "I don't care about our relationship enough to try and get the help (that he so desperately needs) that I need to help myself and our relationship".

He knows something is off. He knows he needs help. But it's his stupid pride thats getting in the way.

How in the world are things supposed to get even remotely better if HE doesn't try? I'm the only one trying!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JadedHeart]

I apologize that I keep posting, but I need help and answers.

Is this all truly worth it?

I love my boyfriend to death, but people would be AMAZED with the things he puts me through, which I'm sure a lot of you understand. But sometimes I ask myself, no sane person signs up to intentionally deal with this.

I am 22 years old and I don't know if I want to live the rest of my life walking on egg shells... .wondering when he's going to do something insane again. I just don't know if I can.

I love him so much and I thought I was going to marry him one day and have children with him. But the more he does these outrageous things makes me wonder, do I really want to marry him and be trapped... do I really want to put our children through this too?

Can someone please give me some inspirational stories... .or something positive? Because I'm about to break up with him and it is most definitely not going to end pretty.

[NGU]

I apologize that I keep posting

Hi JadedHeart.

Please post away. Every sentence helps.

Can someone please give me some inspirational stories... .or something positive?

Almost every word you've written, I've written here too. Many others have as well. Because this is how people with BPD make you feel. It's almost like the consistency is bizarre; you can feel trapped in this seemingly horrific nightmare, with no one to turn to, and after enough reading/posting, you suddenly notice a flood of other people. In the same boat.

The most positive fact I can give you right now is that after years of this, my spouse and I are still together and life has improved. It's not easy. But it has been worth it if you look at the big picture.

So will it be worth the effort for you?

The single most important thing I've done since addressing this head-on is writing down what my priorities are. In order. I rewrite it constantly. And she's always at the top. It seems stupid, but I actually have to look at that list once in a while. Because it's a reminder of what my brain is like when I'm not highly frustrated.

I had this thought not too long ago. You live with someone and you share their life. I have had relationships, and I have known people in others, where they get "dragged into" things. In-law events, a hobby, a set of opinions. You spend your time doing things, or talking about things, you would have never done as a single person. This is part of being together. Knowing that... .why is it that I complain about spending mental time on the relationship, but I can gladly go into the basement and build her knitting tools? Why am I not grumbling while I'm up to my elbows in wood glue and varnish? Saying things like "... .useless, stupid hobby. She's too young to be knitting. Meh meh blah blah get off my lawn."

It's probably because I lack perspective. Also, I can build something for her and she's not making me feel like cr@p. Well, once you read enough about BPD, you realize the words during the bad spells are expected. Not surprising. With the mental work, you build a solid understanding of yourself, and a self-confidence, where you can hear negativity and not have it destroy your day. So to me, if I can brag about blowing off horrific random comments from YouTube or Twitter, why can't I seem to get past comments from someone I love? Knowing full well those comments are grounded in zero-percent reality? That's the hurdle.

So if you know your priorities and arm yourself with with enough knowledge and perspective... .

This is hopeless.

... .can be something that disappears from your vocabulary.

You were probably looking for something a little more inspirational and less logical. I have that, but haven't written it yet. It's going to go into Success Stories. It might even be worth reading.

-ngu

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Jaded,

I know the frustration. You can see the answer to help them, but they just won't move towards it.

Can it get better? Yes. Will it? I don't know.

When I get frustrated and angry that it seems like I'm the only one doing any work, I remind myself that I am the one who is emotionally health(ier?) I'm the one who has an ability to control my emotions. My H does not. He has a mental illness. Reminding myself of this always brings to the fore front that he has a disability and I can feel compassion and empathy for him. It doesn't mean I excuse his behavior, but it puts it back into perspective.

Just this morning my H started to get angry because something came up that messed up his schedule for the day so he began to take it out on me. I found myself mumbling and complaining about him as I walked out to my car to leave for work. (He always... .He will never... .I'm so sick of... .). Once I realized that I was allowing myself to get emotionally worked up over his, I began the self talk reminding myself that he does not have mechanisms to handle stress and that I was just allowing myself to get worked up over his stress.

[Mutt]

Hi Jaded Heart,

Im sorry that you’re going through a difficult time I can tell that you really care for him you’re fighting for the r/s if you’re showing him where the problem area is. We still have a ways to go when it comes to BPD because it still has a stigma attached to it what is widely acceptable is anxiety and depression. BPD is a serious mental illness, I completely understand your logic but the logic is in why he acts in bizarre ways. NGU mentioned his day getting wrecked because of BPD behaviours.

I’m not in a r/s with my pwBPD the change for me didn’t come while I s’s in the r/s it came after I had to accept that my ex is mentally ill and no matter how I wish that she were different it’s magical thinking I had to accept her for the way that she is once I changed everything changed. The same goes for a r/s with non’s we can’t expect our partners to change we have to change with how we act and react towards our SO. That being said there are days where it’s like s mountain erupts on her end because of something g that she’s going through in her life I was a source of soothing for her but I let her manage it on her own and I just stopped reacting to it.

The recipe is different for everyone it’s not an easy recipe it takes time, effort and support like NGU said there’s a huge difference when you’re going through this alone then when you can share it with others. I mentioned that I was divorced before but there’s still BPD stuff that’s going on in my life and checking in here creating a discussion, helping another member, reading about someone’s experience helps keep me grounded. Sometimes I create a discussion then go and read other discussion and dip my toe in the pool and join it.

[ClingToHope]

I am on the cusp of telling my partner as well.
I wanna scream almost all the time because I’m doing so much research ect to improve things and he continues to dig a deeper hole oblivious to the wreckage he leaves behind.

I’ve also had to think long and hard about the life I want and what I’m willing to sacrifice.

I’m not willing to sacrifice myself. That is for sure
And if it continues like this I will be. Even the strongest mountain can only be beaten down so long till it crumbles

When I do have “the talk” with him (I’m trying to hold out till an assessment in May ) I have decided that if he does not take an active part in getting better, meaning therapy I will be obligated to end our relationship.

My struggle is how to present this so it doesn’t come across as an ultimate be and me trying to control him.

I’m not but he hates the idea of therapy so I know he will warp it that way.

But I am not responsible for fixing him.
I want to be supportive but he’s gonna have to put in the work and I honestly don’t know if he will.

I also know if I continue the way it is beyond may I will resent him and I do not want to be a toxic person because it will eat me from the inside out.

So you need to decide what your deal breakers are.

And if I may be so bold. If you are willing to do all the work without effort from him you need to talk wth someone about co-dependency.
I mean no disrespect or insult. When I looked into myself that was a very big issue with putting up with the crap regardless of my wellbeing.

Best of luck  Huggs

[JadedHeart]

Thank you for all the responses. I was really emotional and running on barely any sleep when I posted.

I love him and I'll keep fighting for him, for us. I know I should get help for myself too. Responding to ClingToHope, I know codependency is something that I've noticed I struggle with ever since being in this relationship. My mother has it and my boyfriend with BPD also said I need to work on it because he believed I had it too... .ironic huh?

I'm naturally a loving and caring person so it's hard for me to not help or "rescue" him when he's messed up. But I'm going to try and find someone to talk to about this and go from there.

[ClingToHope]

But I'm going to try and find someone to talk to about this and go from there.

That is a great idea.

And please know your not at fault for struggling with co dependency.
Many of us do because we are in a supporting role and care for our people , it’s an easy thing to fall into
But when we are co dependant it prevents our people from truly getting better and can often lead to the destruction of ourselves.

Someone said here make sure you put your oxygen mask on first before helping them.

Best wishes

[JadedHeart]

That is a great idea.

And please know your not at fault for struggling with co dependency.
Many of us do because we are in a supporting role and care for our people , it’s an easy thing to fall into
But when we are co dependant it prevents our people from truly getting better and can often lead to the destruction of ourselves.

Someone said here make sure you put your oxygen mask on first before helping them.

Best wishes

Yes, when I read your comment and thought about it, it all made so much sense. I've noticed it in myself and I don't like it at all and want to change.

But thank you, I'm trying not be be hard on myself and him so much. I'm also trying to relax more and not worry so often about him.

[Radcliff]

JadedHeart,

It's been a few days.  How are you doing?

WW

[ClingToHope]

Yes, when I read your comment and thought about it, it all made so much sense. I've noticed it in myself and I don't like it at all and want to change.

But thank you, I'm trying not be be hard on myself and him so much. I'm also trying to relax more and not worry so often about him.

Your most welcome. I’ve had some great support her and still very much a newbie in dealing with BPD but I’m happy to share the wisdom others have shared with me.

Another nugget I discovered
I was getting angrier and angrie with all the research I was doing and having to learn to handle someone, I remind myself I am choosing to, but frustration seeps in some times.
I was able to recharge my patience a bit recently when I decided on a boundry (no ranting texts)
It gave me a sense of taking back a bit of control. It almost felt like a fresh new day the next day
Maybe think of the one Thing  that you worry/stress about happening the most and come up with a boundry you can implement.
If you can’t think of what kind of boundry is needed. Post it here we will help you brain storm.
Warmly
Clingtohope

[JadedHeart]

JadedHeart,

It's been a few days.  How are you doing?

WW

Aww, I appreciate you for asking. I'm actually doing great. Yesterday was a real success for me. He picked me up from work in a bad mood and I asked him was there any reason for it and he said no, he just was irritated. I told him we could talk about it if he wanted and then went along singing to the music in the car. I usually let his mood effect me, and I was so proud of myself that I didn't let him get to me this time. He eventually came around and we had a great night.

Hopefully there will be more days like this.

[Radcliff]

Aww, I appreciate you for asking. I'm actually doing great. Yesterday was a real success for me. He picked me up from work in a bad mood and I asked him was there any reason for it and he said no, he just was irritated. I told him we could talk about it if he wanted and then went along singing to the music in the car. I usually let his mood effect me, and I was so proud of myself that I didn't let him get to me this time. He eventually came around and we had a great night.

Hopefully there will be more days like this.

JadedHeart, that's wonderful to hear!  When we catch ourselves from our initial emotional response and take an extra bit of time to respond in a more centered way, we can get some pretty awesome payback for the effort sometimes.  Good work 

In the early stages of a BPD relationship, especially for those of us who have caretaking backgrounds, working on solid boundaries is one of the most important things we can do.  That cuts both ways.  It means us letting them own their own stuff so they learn, and us defending ourselves from intrusions (like saying "Hey I need a break, I'll be back in 10 minutes" if we get upset when they are being verbally hurtful).  Speaking from life experience, I can say that not getting good at that stuff can lead to much more misery in the long run.  Take a look at this page on setting boundaries.  Can you think of any areas where you'd like to start applying this in your relationship?

Have you read any of the BPD books?

WW