He hates everyone I love

[loyalwife]

     My uBPDh went into a rage again last night, out of the blue. He had been in his office and everything was fine, then it wasn't. He said it was because he constantly has to fight off his rage at my son (who by the way moved out a year ago, is working and does not bother us at all). When my son lived with us (he's on the autism spectrum), it was a struggle to get him to even go outside. My son is 25, had lived with my dad before he passed away and needed a place to stay. He was invited to stay with us until he could get on his feet. It seems as though my husband says yes, but means no or changes his mind all to late. It happens frequently with purchases and other commitments. I sometimes wonder if he married me and changed his mind as he says that his life has been in the toilet since we got married. When he comes back to being 'normal' he continually tells me he loves me and that life is good. So what is the truth? When he rages, he picks on all the things I love, my son, my daughter and the dogs. He wishes I didn't have a 'bundle'.  But I do. Less of one now as I see my kids separately away from the house and my dogs are in their late years.

      It may be wrong, but I looked at his messages on his phone last night. He has been talking to a past woman friend, telling her that my son was a loser (she commiserates with him of course) and then went on to tell her he missed her.  She told him she loved him and he returned the same. Am I crazy to think that is weird? He mentioned her once to me, but this is not the kind of communication you have with a casual friend. This was during his rage at me episode.  He also is planning a European trip driving  (he said he couldn't afford to take me) and has invited one of his friends to come along.  He promises that they will do all kinds of fun things. When I asked him if he had thought of inviting a friend he said "oh, R-- may need to go to Germany and wants a ride".  Lie.   I just don't get it. Last year he wanted a divorce and in the two weeks that he was gone, joined single sites and was messaging women asking for dates. When we got back together he denied it.  He did ask if I had gone out with anyone or 'been' with someone and I said no.  I sat on the couch for 2 weeks crying, lost 25 lbs. He said if the answer had been yes, that it would be a deal breaker. He never looks at other women, but when he is in one of his episodes I wonder if I really know him.

     I used to have friends, but the majority of them stay away.  Even some of my family as they feel I should leave. Last year when this all melted down, I made a commitment to stay and work on myself so that I could lessen the rages he has. It's helped to change and walk away, validate his feelings and to listen with empathy. Instead of fueling the fire, I remove myself and do something that feeds me.  Whether it's a bath, a walk or talking to my kids. With a uBPDh that has the IQ of 154, it's difficult. He watches every move I make and has at times read through my phone and emails. I've gotten to the point that it doesn't matter to me if he does as I'm not hiding anything. I want to trust him completely.

     He says that once my 'bundle' is gone he will be happy. He just sent me a link to a condo for a single person and said he would buy it in a heartbeat. These are the kind of things he does that makes me so sad. We've been looking at a house to move to in the future.  Why would he make me think otherwise now?  He is impulsive which is why he filed for divorce twice from me last year.  Each time he went into a rage, he'd find an attorney to the tune of $7,000 each time.  He owns 6 BMW's and wants more.  These are new cars, 2-2018, 2017, 2016 and 2 older ones. This isn't feeding his soul, but it is making him feel powerful. If I take my kids out for lunch or buy my dogs bones, he gets mad.  He drives fast, and quite honestly that is why I didn't want to go to Europe once I found out he was driving a small car (Fiat).

     When it all comes down to it, this relationship is difficult. Is it intolerable? The good days, when he is not mad, it's great. I've never loved anyone as much as I do this man, but I must have the ability to love all in my life, not just him.

     Just had to post these feelings. I've read quite a few on the message board and have similar situations that I identify with. We started to read "High Conflict Couples" together each night a chapter at a time. At the end, we talk about what we have read, and he doesn't agree. I want to continue to read this, and hope that he will open up to it eventually.

     Thanks for reading this.  I just felt so alone today.  When I come to this site, I feel like I have friends.  
    
    

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi loyalwife, that is a very painful situation and I'm sad to hear about all you've been through. You are most certainly not alone here. We have your back!  

I believe you that there are great things to your relationship but I want to focus first on the problems your husband's behaviors have created for you.  

First, I know a lot about alienating close friends and family to accommodate a spouse with BPD. It was just two days ago that I reconnected with my brother and sister in law from whom I'd been estranged for two years. I think its very important for those of us in this kind of situation to have a support network, otherwise it's very hard to find the strength to make changes. Do your family and friends understand you are coping with a mental illness, or do they just think your husband is a bad person? How do you think they would respond if you explained the situation to them?  

I also wanted to ask what degree of financial independence you have since he seems extremely controlling regarding money. By limiting what you buy (while he spends the money on 6 BMWs?), he is also effectively limiting your freedom.

Yrs,
~ROE

[loyalwife]

   When he left last year, I didn't even have a credit card. All of my social security was deposited into his checking account and there wasn't access to it. As a result of that, I ended up getting a few credit cards in my own name and having the SS deposited into my account. It is much better now that I can at least buy something I need or want. Prior to this, I would have to ask and more times than not the answer would be 'no', so I stopped asking. Every time I mention getting a job he nixes it saying that if I am available to help him with his business it would mean more than my bringing in a meager income. Most of the time, I'm just on the side line as he doesn't have anything for me to help with. There are literally days that I spend just waiting for him to give me work to do. So although he says I'm more valuable helping him, it's confusing.

    Slowly, some of my closest friends have kept contact. They don't ask about my husband and we just don't bring it up. They know that he's ill, and they can't understand why I'm still with him. That goes for 100% of my friends and family.

    Tonight we went to a movie, laughed and even held hands. Once we got home, he said he needed to be alone, which means he sleeps in his office. I went to the store and bought some roses for him. I also apologized for all of the hardships he had suffered because of me. I know that I can't win the battle, but trying to make it better is where I a right now. Admitting that I'm wrong is no big deal as I know the truth. He blames me for all the arguing and says that the past has left him dry. When I asked him if he wanted to be with me his answer was "I don't know". It's the dance again. I love you, leave me alone.  None of this behavior makes any sense to me. I've read that when he retreats to go forward, but not too close.  When he comes forward to step back. It hurts to be told that at this moment I'm not loved by him. He brought up everything that happened from day one. I'm back in the same old spot.

   He's out there, I'm in here.  This happened in his previous marriage and I have to believe this has been his ammo with every relationship. It's not just me.

[RolandOfEld]

Admitting that I'm wrong is no big deal as I know the truth. He blames me for all the arguing and says that the past has left him dry.

Communicating with a partner with BPD can be extremely challenging since they are rarely able to hear our sides of things and disagreeing can be seen as highly invalidating to them. So I fully understand the feeling of wanting to agree to dispel conflict and still do it sometimes with my  wife on small issues. It's good that you have an internal sense of the truth to hold to during these times.

But I want to ask if admitting you are wrong when you don't feel you are is in fact not a big deal to you. By buying him roses and apologizing, do you feel you might be sending the message that his behaviors are OK with you? Since I came I've learned that there are ways of validating another's opinion of the situation and feelings without admitting our fault.

Have you heard of the book Stop Walking on Eggshells?    

~ROE

[loyalwife]

  I hadn't thought about the message I am sending to him. I want to validate his feelings, and somehow, by admitting that I am the 'bad guy', it will make him happy. It doesn't. It just makes him madder. Internally I realize that this hasn't as much to do with me, as it does him. I have been apologizing to him, but he refuses to forgive. This is the see saw dance. If I ignore him, then I feel that its stonewalling. It's all so difficult. I have read the book, but should again.
  His behaviors are not okay with me. I mention the effect of his moods how they effect me but also how I always still love him. I don't think that's how he feels about me, at least not right now. It's the Jekyll Hyde routine. He switches as if he were dual personality.
   I think he enjoys the turmoil and chaos. Otherwise, he would enjoy the day to day, and never reject me constantly as he does. It makes me feel unimportant. How in the world can you switch from one extreme to the next without any reason. This is where I have to admit that I am in a relationship of mental illness.
   

[Harley Quinn]

Hi loyalwife,

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time with your H at the moment.  I too know the discomfort of having friendships and family relationships judged and challenged by a partner.  Also the confusion of the mixed messages.  How well are you doing at taking care of your own needs?  Can you think of anything you would want to be doing for yourself and your overall well being that you're not attending to? 

It sounds a little like you've fallen into validating the invalid somewhat in order to keep the peace.  I have been in the same boat.  Ultimately it caused me to feel like my needs were secondary.  Learning to only validate the valid made a huge difference in how I felt and was effective in calming my partner. 

I'd encourage you to think about what you can change for yourself to allow you to feel that you are an equal partner in the marriage and that your needs are as important as his.  Is there anything that stands out to you as a step you could take?

Love and light x 

[Jeffree]

Loyalwife,

I also apologized for all of the hardships he had suffered because of me.

I can't say that I've gone that far in trying to "validate" my STBxW's warped version of reality, but I have definitely said those kind of words sarcastically in the heat of an argument for sure.

However, I have genuinely said something less inflammatory such as, "I understand. You're right." just to keep the peace for the few moments it might last. But there is another purpose in that for me, which is to be able to say I did everything I could to make things work out... .even though they didn't. It's one of the things that I did to be able to have things end with her with closure for myself.

I have only recently come to see that my STBx almost short circuits when she is told "No" or anything of the sort, so I do the best I can to not stir that cauldron while doing what I need to do for myself and securing a much more enjoyable future.

Is there any chance that without realizing it you're making a plan for a better life for yourself by trying to placate your spouse while you figure out a better way?

J

[Tattered Heart]

It sounds a little like you've fallen into validating the invalid somewhat in order to keep the peace.  I have been in the same boat.  Ultimately it caused me to feel like my needs were secondary.  Learning to only validate the valid made a huge difference in how I felt and was effective in calming my partner. 

I'd like to second HQ in the idea of validating the invalid. It may not seem like a big deal right now to apologize for things that you didn't really do but that starts to wear on someone after doing it so often. I used to apologize for things that were not my fault, but not anymore. And changing that has allowed me to honor myself and my own emotions better.

I can tell you are feeling really alone right now. I'm sorry you are going through this.

[loyalwife]

Thanks for the input. I've been concentrating on ways to self soothe and take care of myself. This is something that has helped.

I am tired of taking the blame for everything that goes wrong, and being the reason that he is unhappy.

For the last few days, he's been back to his old self. The one I like. In fact I mentioned to him that I liked him this way. He didn't flinch. Once a therapist mentioned that it was like living with
"bad cop", "good cop". She was our a couple therapist and although she didn't formally diagnose him, I gathered from the things she said "you have a toddler with a temper tantrum" on your hands" that she saw what I did. At first I didn't accept it and thought if I just acted differently I could prevent his mood swings. That's like thinking that you can control the weather. I'm reacting to his moods differently now, and it's helped. As I've learned as so many of us have, that stresses and triggers can bring on an episode that can last for a few hours to days and sometimes weeks. Today I know that even though things are good this moment in time, it will not stay that way for long.

Weighing the good and the bad is tough. I'd say that the good outweighs the bad, but then when things go awry, and he pulls away and says mean things, the scales tip the other way. My individual therapist suggested that I 'let go' and let things happen as they unfold. Chances are he will unravel again, and again.

Sometimes I think about what it's like to have a 'normal' life, where minor setbacks and problems don't exacerbate to chaos. Sometimes I have glimpses and actually can feel the breeze in the air, but when he's raging, the dark clouds and rain obscure my eyesight. An umbrella has become of staying centered and calm in the storm.

[RolandOfEld]

Today I know that even though things are good this moment in time, it will not stay that way for long.

Hi lw, this is often the hardest part, the duality and the waiting for the next explosion. I keep a record of all of my wife's dysregulated behavior, both for possible legal purposes and to keep a clear picture of reality. She only has to be good to me for two days and I start to forget and feel guilty. One look and I remember, and it helps me lessen the shock every time she has an episode.  

Sometimes I think about what it's like to have a 'normal' life, where minor setbacks and problems don't exacerbate to chaos. Sometimes I have glimpses and actually can feel the breeze in the air, but when he's raging, the dark clouds and rain obscure my eyesight.

Wow, this is almost a verbatim quote of what I said to my therapist yesterday. I just want to say to you that we both deserve that life, whether its with our partners, someone else, or alone. I am determined to have it.

In the meantime, I am finding ways to improve the quality of life as it is now, such as joining an accapella group. This is something I had always planned to put off until "my life was better someday". But I realized I can give myself this enjoyment now.

What is something you can do to help you enjoy life as it is right now?

~ROE

  

[spero]

Hello there loyalwife!   and sending you warm greetings from the community.

How have you been keeping over the past few days?

I just want to commend your bravery for sharing such a heart wrenching story. It must really be difficult in all dimensions - emotionally, physically, mentally, financially while you're trying to cope with a special needs child.

How has your partner's situation been like since the last time you've shared with us?

Weighing the good and the bad is tough. I'd say that the good outweighs the bad, but then when things go awry, and he pulls away and says mean things, the scales tip the other way.

This is really tough for you and on you isn't it. It really feels like a really heavy weight just sitting on your shoulders and when the storm hits you head on, you're thrown off balance and sometimes, the force of the weights prevents you from standing up until you have gathered enough strength to do so again? And as your therapist said, it would just repeat over and over again.

My heart goes out to you dear loyalwife. How is your son doing as well? Are you still seeing to his needs on a daily basis?

Hope to hear from you sometime.

Takecare and take heart.

Spero

[loyalwife]

It's been a week now, since the last disruption. Although I'd like to pretend that things are so much better that it won't happen again, but it will. I'm doing okay. Now, I'm thinking of ways to take care of myself. For the most part, it means also taking care of those I love; my kids especially

My son is doing okay, although there are times that I can see that he is struggling. Being thrown into the 'world' after I protected him from it is difficult for him. He's doing well with his job, and has almost a year in. He knows that I'm just a phone call away, and that in itself helps him.

The past holiday (Easter) was sad in that I couldn't have my kids over. My hBPD said that he would leave if my son was here. So rather than make waves, I made dinner and took it over to my son. It's such a splitting way to live. I dream of having a family that likes each other (if they can't love each other). As with so many things, it too may pass and the hatred that my husband feels towards my son and daughter will dissipate. Or it may never. One thing for sure is that I will continue to be a good mom. I make an effort to see both of my kids weekly for one on one time with them. The other day, when I dropped by my daughters work, she came out to hug my son. I feel blessed to have such great loving kids.

There was a time that I spun my wheels without direction. At least now, I know what I'm up against with my husband. I used to think that there was a medication that he could take. But there isn't really. Although therapy is possible, not until he wants to go is it plausible.

I have found that my feelings towards him has changed. I just don't trust him as I did before. I love him, but find there are times I resent him. I feel as though I am living with a crazy person that believes his own delusional thinking. Today I am good, but when I'm not (as he says I'm bad) he wants to leave me. I so want to trust him but am afraid that may not be possible. I will always be on guard.

I am not a quitter, but also not willing to 'die' physically, emotionally or mentally. So with each passing day I brace myself for the next episode.  I'm stronger today.
 

[spero]

Hey there loyalwife   Its good to hear from you.

I'm doing okay. Now, I'm thinking of ways to take care of myself. For the most part, it means also taking care of those I love; my kids especially

It's good that you're thinking of ways to care for yourself. Self care and self-validation are important routines especially in situations such as yours. It's really great that you have something else to keep focus on. Children, as most people would believe are a gift and blessing. I hope that your kids are doing well despite your situation, and im glad that your son is doing well mostly.

The past holiday (Easter) was sad in that I couldn't have my kids over. My hBPD said that he would leave if my son was here. So rather than make waves, I made dinner and took it over to my son. It's such a splitting way to live. I dream of having a family that likes each other (if they can't love each other).

I'm so sorry that you hBPD has actually made you choose between him and your son. My heart goes out to you. I am not a parent but I would believe that more than a broken heart, a mother's heart breaks even more to have to choose between her own children and her husband. How this affected you? and how did you feel afterwards from this incident?

As with so many things, it too may pass and the hatred that my husband feels towards my son and daughter will dissipate. Or it may never.

It must really be emotionally draining and requiring a large amount of emotional stamina to have to constantly "brace" yourself for such a situation and a heavy load on your mental capacity to have your husband "hate your children". Are your children close to your husband or did they have constant interaction previously with him that has perhaps caused him to "hate" your kids? ( though i personally doubt so )

One thing for sure is that I will continue to be a good mom. I make an effort to see both of my kids weekly for one on one time with them.

How has this arrangement been coming long for you. I believe without a doubt, loyalwife that you'll still be that loving mother to your children.

I have found that my feelings towards him has changed. I just don't trust him as I did before. I love him, but find there are times I resent him. I feel as though I am living with a crazy person that believes his own delusional thinking.

I think that is also true for myself toward my uBPDexGF, that our feelings toward loved ones with BPD or uBPD. But, i like to extend a warm hug to you and say that you've endured much and am still enduring a difficult set of circumstances with a person who has beyond resonable doubt, seem to want to enforce his needs and choices, while rarely considering the needs of others.

Loyalwife, it is natural for anyone, given these set of very difficult circumstances, to maintain a high level of desired trust. Trust is one of the foundational pillars of any relationship. When wanting a desired outcome, one would have to be vulnerable and place their trust in another, in hopes that they would bring the desired outcome. Of course, in the case of your BPDh, trust might be something very difficult for him especially when he has issues with "object "permanence and "object constancy". So, for your hBPD, the inability to trust causes him to naturally gravite toward enforcing "personal control" so that the outcomes would be as he had desired.

If you would like to understand "object permanence" please follow this link for a reference from "Psych Central", please click  here
And for the understanding of "object constancy" please follow this link of a reference from "Psychology Today", please click  here

Without trust, it is really difficult and almost impossible to maintain any form of relationship. So, loyalwife i gently stress again that it's normal that you feel that you don't quite trust you partner like you had used to. I do suppose trust has been broken, and perhaps the without lack of proper reconciliation , and perhaps even the acknowledgement that it would be difficult or nearly impossible for your partner to engage in our standard of "reconciliation" where an act of misgiving is acknowledged and responsibility taken, actions put in place to own their mistakes, which would then be a step toward healing and repairing the state of the relationship from his end ... .would ... and i say this with a heavy heart, it would be very very difficult to move toward any semblance of a "healthy relationship" without him going through treatment or therapy.

I would suppose, that over the time, as hurt builds up without reconciliation, our hearts would generally put up barriers to protect ourselves, and therefore your "guard" or wall has indeed been raised a level. All these would probably be working in your consciousness at a subconscious level. Perhaps you've caught yourself feeling a different way toward your partner sometime.

So in light of your current situation, what next steps are you currently exploring?

Hope to hear from you. Do take good care and stay strong. We're here to listen and here to help.

Spero.

[loyalwife]

Thank you for the reference to "object permanence and object constancy". My uBPDh came from a home that was abusive and controlling. Any hope of happiness was taken away from him as a way of control. It's almost as though his belief system disallows him to accept unconditional love. In fact, he has said that it doesn't exist. I grew up in a loving, forgiving home. Albeit not perfect (alcoholic dad), yet I knew that I was loved. My children know this love as I've given them it, unfortunately my husband does not.

A year ago, I thought that by going to a psychologist that he could eventually get help.  Sure he went to a few appointments, but he had them all convinced that it was just situational and he was just fine.  His therapist who I accompanied him to an appointment may have some inkling to his problems (he became her Facebook friends and crossed professional bounds, even staying at her house once when he left me) refused to suggest that he needed more help. I mentioned going to therapy myself (I've had some of the best years ago, and I believe that it is ongoing) he said "that's a good idea if it makes you feel better".

We started reading "High Conflict Couples" together. After the 4th chapter he started to dislike discussing the practice. I always kept it uplifted and out of triggers, but he sunk into a hole. Ten years ago it was suggested that I take a DBT course. Although my therapist hadn't diagnosed me as BPD, my codependency and a degree of dissociation made me a good candidate. I've even given a speech at my college about it. I've suggested to him that this might be a good course for him also. We talk about 'mindfulness' and how it can help to calm the mind so that focus isn't lost. DBT saved my life, literally. Last summer when he was at the depth of despair, he threatened suicide (I had the hotline on a few times) and also physically hurting my son. This talk is what finally culminated in creating so much fear in me that I believed that he could go through with it. Now that my son is moved out, the chatter has stopped. But has it? When I have lunch with my son, he seems jealous so now I don't mention his name if I can avoid it. He's fine if I meet my daughter, which tells me that he still resents my attention to my son. It's impossible to choose between my kids and my husband. I've told each of my kids that they can always count on me, and they know they can. When push comes to shove, love overrides. My husbands only child is estranged from him if that is any indicator.

My uBPD has made significant changes that are to the better, but I can see that his life could actually be joyful if he were to get the right help. I am trying to instill this 'rock' attitude so that his defenses might be lessened. He's smart (IQ 154), so I'm dealing with his logical reasoning as well as his highly emotional responses.

Any suggestions to usher the way? Thanks for such great insight.

[spero]

Hello there Loyalwife,

Just chiming back in! How have you been these few days?

My uBPDh came from a home that was abusive and controlling. Any hope of happiness was taken away from him as a way of control. It's almost as though his belief system disallows him to accept unconditional love. In fact, he has said that it doesn't exist.

This is probably the most telling of what world view your uBPDh might be experiencing. At present and perhaps for a long time, he has lived his life through this reality or lens. As you've rightly pointed out, his belief system / worldview causes an "emotional conflict" when you present your set of worldviews along side his.

Unfortunately, for your uBPDh to perhaps recognise yours, he first has to be open to "seeing" your point of view. But that is precisely the difficulty because his belief system is very deeply entrenched his psyche on a sub-conscious level. I suppose that when there is a conflicting worldview which clashes with his own ( even if this worldview... such as people treating others with kindness without an expectation ) his psyche automatically overrides any "conflict" with his own in attempt to justify his earlier abusive and traumatic experience which he has lived his life as a child.

A year ago, I thought that by going to a psychologist that he could eventually get help.  Sure he went to a few appointments, but he had them all convinced that it was just situational and he was just fine.  His therapist who I accompanied him to an appointment may have some inkling to his problems (he became her Facebook friends and crossed professional bounds, even staying at her house once when he left me) refused to suggest that he needed more help.

It is as one would quote the phrase saying, "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink."
Even favorable circumstances won't force one to do something one doesn't want to as for the case of your uBPDh. It is probably painful to say that he hasn't reached that point to see a need to change... perhaps. 

I mentioned going to therapy myself (I've had some of the best years ago, and I believe that it is ongoing) he said "that's a good idea if it makes you feel better".

The deep difficulty of approaching the situation in your case would be this - To be fair and neutral, we all bear half the responsibility of a relationship. It really takes two to make a relationship work and that is precisely the issue, that while you're working on your challenges and even learning to be a better communicator and wanting to better the relationship, your uBPDh may not be, first able to see the need to change, if he sees that you're compensating for the relationship, he might not feel the need to work on it as well from a self-centered POV ( i choose the word self-centered as opposed to selfish to give a more neutral tone. ). In that sense, there might not be any incentive for him to want to better himself for the relationship.

I say the above with a very heavy heart because i've exhausted my options with my uBPDexGF, she wasn't the one trying to make things work, the mental and emotional burden was too great and i just had to step away and eventually leave.

We started reading "High Conflict Couples" together. After the 4th chapter he started to dislike discussing the practice. I always kept it uplifted and out of triggers, but he sunk into a hole. Ten years ago it was suggested that I take a DBT course. Although my therapist hadn't diagnosed me as BPD, my codependency and a degree of dissociation made me a good candidate.

Again, I emphasize the point to which you've explained your story that it doesn't seem at least that he is actively making an effort to bettering the RS, and for that i'm really sorry that you've given so much but yet he continually puts you through tough, unreasonable and heart-breaking situations. Like you and many on this community, we can perhaps see the "light" of the situation and hope so much that they would just step over to our side and everything would be "okay". What for us seems like a single step, can be akin to crossing a waterfall on a tightrope. It is as many would say, a truly difficult and challenging process to go through for a person with BPD.

Last summer when he was at the depth of despair, he threatened suicide (I had the hotline on a few times) and also physically hurting my son. This talk is what finally culminated in creating so much fear in me that I believed that he could go through with it. Now that my son is moved out, the chatter has stopped. But has it? When I have lunch with my son, he seems jealous so now I don't mention his name if I can avoid it.

This is indeed a painful situation having your heart separate between trying to aid your partner while at the same time having to care for your son who has unfortunately become subjected to abuse which he has no part of. It is good that your son has moved out. Since your son has moved out, has your partner been violent toward you?

He's fine if I meet my daughter, which tells me that he still resents my attention to my son.

Your partner's jealousy toward your son is very telling on his (unrealistic) expectations which he has unfortunately set for himself. But the darker undertones of what that means is this - your partner may feel anger and resentment toward your son because you're giving attention which your partner considers his, toward your son. This is a form of "supply" and even objectification of your "love". The love that you dispense should only be for him and him alone because you "belong" to him. What your husband "deems" as his own property, he will probably guard closely and he won't want to share it with anyone else, not even your son.

The closest illustration i can allude to would be like handling a kid who doesn't want to share his toys with others. A kid has to learn what it means to share and to shift from an unrealistic expectation to a healthy set of expectations. That perhaps explains the behaviour and motivations of what you are currently experiencing.

My uBPD has made significant changes that are to the better, but I can see that his life could actually be joyful if he were to get the right help. I am trying to instill this 'rock' attitude so that his defenses might be lessened. He's smart (IQ 154), so I'm dealing with his logical reasoning as well as his highly emotional responses. Any suggestions to usher the way? Thanks for such great insight.

I would recommending checking out the tools on our community site. Have you taken a look at our tools on the right? I've added the links below for ease of access.

Ending Conflict
Listening with Empathy
Not being invalidating
Setting boundaries

Apart from that, getting your uBPDh to check himself into long term therapy would be the greatest breakthrough you can hope for at this moment. As for things which perhaps you can work on your end, have you had any sessions with your therapist regarding the "do's and don't" especially when you'd want to shift him toward positive change? It is mindful to validate him when he does something right, but when he insists on something which violates your boundaries, i do think it is necessary to be firm lest we encourage and perpetuate bad behavior.

Hope this helps and let us know how you've been keeping as well.

Spero.

[loyalwife]

Today ended as so many of my days have. My uBPDh, mad and not wanting anything to do with me. Earlier today, I thought I could see an episode brewing (his eyes see to change) and he was unable to focus and scatter brained. We went for a light dinner, and I mentioned how busy it was. He said that Sundays were a family day. As I looked around, without thinking (unguarded) I said that it would be nice that when we moved into our new home that I could have a family day once in awhile. That's when the anger emerged. Frequently it happens in public, and at that point all I can do is hope that it isn't disruptive to others. He started in on how much he hates my son, doesn't want to be in the same room with him and how that will never change. The drive home and even in the driveway he talked about how my son took four years away from him. He then went out to his studio to work, came in and then said that I had wasted two hours of his time fighting with him. I looked at him and said "I wasn't fighting with you". When he finally came in a few hours later, he refused to have anything to do with me. He said "It's not a big deal. It will never change and don't worry about it". Which doesn't make sense and doesn't relate to anything. Basically gibberish.

He doesn't see the need for change and believes that if  the rest of the world would change he would be happy. I asked him if he were happy and he said "not really". The emotional dysregulation is preventing him from happiness.  He sabotages all aspects of his life as if he doesn't believe he deserves happiness, love or security. I want to lead him to therapy so he can finally figure out how to find all those things. But as you said " You can lead him to water, you can't make him drink."  

I just spoke with my daughter and told her that I'd just had a long conversation with my h and once again he had gone down the rabbit hole. She knows he's ill and said "you can always leave him".  The time (weeks, days or hours) that he rages, come and go. When he 'returns' it's as if nothing has happened except I'm left a little more distant than before for self preservation. This distance is helping me see exactly what I'm up against.

He isn't putting an effort into change because he doesn't care if our relationship survives or not. It would be another time that he could say that someone let him down, that he gave and gave with nothing in return. A reinforcement of his belief system. "If only... ." it would have been so much different. I cannot believe that any of this would be different regardless of the situation. Whomever or whatever the circumstances, BPD still would destroy the relationship. Obviously this is the whole premise of BPD family. We are the ones that want so much to have this relationship work, and find that sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't. The push/pull can break the connection for good.

I'm tired, hurt and disappointed that the good days had to end again. It's the downward loop that you hope and pray returns to the top. It's like being a yo yo that sometimes stays in the down position so long that the cord starts to twist and sometimes doesn't return. All I can do is stay calm and wait. I might feel miserable, but inside of him there is a dark scary place that he has a hard time escaping out of.

Today, I have plans to see my kids for lunch. It's my way of taking care of myself.  Life going forward for me means never having my kids and husband in the same room. More than anything, I want to protect them from being mistreated and ignored. I'd rather meet them away from here, although I'd always said where ever I was would be their home. So wherever I am, then they will be home. A dose of love for all.

I can only change my reaction to my uBPDh otherwise, it won't change.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi loyalwife,

I'm so sorry to hear your difficult situation.  How are things going today?  I like your yo yo analogy and can really relate to that.  Have you had any improvements at home?  Is the yo yo up or down?

I can only change my reaction to my uBPDh otherwise, it won't change.

This is a wise statement.  What do you feel you need to change?

Love and light x