I have to share a happy story.

[CautiousHope]

My relationship is not a typical one you'd find here, necessarily. I have a long distance friend with uBPD which started as a flirtation, but I tried to reel it back in after I realized what was going on with him. He pretty much started splitting on me right out of the gate, his behavior was all over the place very early on. Our friendship is extremely close, we talk all day long and video chat a lot, we are very affectionate and emotional, it's definitely not a typical "friendship." It is especially challenging because he is very much in love with me and I am pretty firm on remaining just friends, the BPD factor is too much for me to consider a romantic commitment, though I haven't spelled it out to him as the reason why. Still, although it's clearly excruciating for him to deal with that rejection, he expresses gratitude for our friendship and says that even though it's really difficult sometimes, he loves that we have such a great bond even as friends.

A few months back I came here looking for advice on what to do and whether or not to pursue this, because everything I had read about undiagnosed/untreated BPD was terrifying. But after attempting to end things and go NC, I just couldn't shake the feeling that I wasn't giving him a really fair chance. His attitude and behavior has always trended toward improvement and wanting to change and grow, and it was just too hard for me to give up on the relationship. So, instead, I buried myself in BPD information, scoured every messageboard I could find, read every article and blog and listened to every YouTube video I could find. I bought myself a DBT workbook. I learned the tools from this site (which have been truly priceless.)

In a few months time there has been a complete transformation of our relationship. He still splits, but it's so much less severe and manageable. He also apologizes after it passes. He thanks me. Today, I asked him if or how he thinks he has changed since we met, and this is what he said (summarized, for privacy):
He said that he has learned to control his jealousy (which was SEVERE when we met), he doesn't waste his energy on little things that would normally upset him or make him feel very jealous. He says he notices he is much more patient and open minded and spends more time evaluating things than ever before. He said he has learned to look at himself and his actions and how they affect other people. He said that before we met, he was isolating a lot, drinking heavily every night, spent most of his time "checked out" and away from others. But, now he uses his free time to do nice things for himself, he treats himself to small purchases that enrich his life, spends time doing hobbies he loves and has rekindled since we met, and remembers to do things that make him feel happy. He added that he has barely had a sip of alcohol outside of special occasions since I told him that his drinking concerned me (this had to be almost 6 months ago, now.)

I know it's only been a few months and my relationship is very young, so I can't say that things are somehow magically going to be all better, especially if
 he doesn't eventually come around to therapy, but I found myself sobbing tears of joy to receive these messages today. The thing is, our friendship has become extremely rewarding to me, as well. He has supported me (in a genuine and helpful way) through my separation from my husband and in going through therapy myself, he is very supportive and encouraging of my personal growth and successes. I don't know if I would have ever imagined things would come to this point, let alone so quickly, but it is really something special and I thought that it was worth sharing a happy story with you all.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[madonnafan]

It's lovely to see a positive story, I hope the happiness continues for you both 

[Mutt]

Hi CautiousHope,

He’s lucky to have you you didn’t give up and you buried your in homework. Bravo  Im usually on the Leaving and that’s generally the advice that we’d give go NC if you don’t have kids it’s nice to see a solution that’s not one size fits all. I’d like to echo madonnafan I hope that you both bring each other more happiness.

[SunandMoon]

Hi CautiousHope

It's wonderful to hear a happy story on these boards - congratulations!

I'll echo Mutt and say he's lucky to have you!

Empowering yourself by learning as much as you can about BPD, understanding and accepting that it is what it is, and using the skills to get too a better place are the keys to success. This site is a godsend for all of this.

I hope your relationship continues to grow and bring you both much happiness 

[Radcliff]

CautiousHope,

Thank you for the success story!  It's great to hear that your caring and hard work combined with the BPD information and tools to make a difference for him.

What coping tools would you say had the most impact?

WW

[pearlsw]

Hi CautiousHope,

I thank you too for sharing good news!

May I ask what a reduced sized version of a "split" looks like?

with compassion, pearl.

[CautiousHope]

Thanks all.

CautiousHope,

Thank you for the success story!  It's great to hear that your caring and hard work combined with the BPD information and tools to make a difference for him.

What coping tools would you say had the most impact?

WW

Validation and boundaries. Validation made a huge impact, and I try to be validating in our everyday discussions, not only when he's being moody. I try to really get on his level and understand his perspective and I feel that has made us a lot closer and it also makes it much easier for me to not get wrapped up in the chaos, myself. Setting boundaries and refusing to tolerate bad behavior has been good for both of us. I think it has built his confidence in his own ability to control some of his more impulsive behavior, also it lead to him admitting that he really hates how hard it is for him to control himself. And, naturally, I feel more in control of the situation which allows me to let my guard down and alleviates a great deal of the stress on my behalf.

I also think that asking questions and using feeling phrases have helped a great deal, too. For example, if he would start to get a little snippy and passive aggressive, I started to ask him point blank what was up. "Is something on your mind? What's bothering you?" and it took a while, but eventually he started telling me what it was that was bothering him. And now, a lot of the time, instead of getting passive aggressive at all, he will just say "I am feeling frustrated." Or whatever the case may be. And that allows us to talk about things constructively in a lot of situations where normally it would be about deflecting and frustrations would grow and nothing would be resolved.

Ultimately, I just have this gut feeling that he's "ready." That's what it is. I think somewhere in there he is just ready to deal with some of this stuff or to at least acknowledge that this isn't the way he wants to spend the rest of his life. That drive to change is coming from him, the tools are just helping us both to make that easier for him to do. I think he's just afraid to make a big leap and needs to be baby stepped toward the kind of changes he needs to make to get to the point where he's ready for therapy (if he ever gets to that point.)

Hi CautiousHope,

I thank you too for sharing good news!

May I ask what a reduced sized version of a "split" looks like?

with compassion, pearl.

Well, in one sense, like I described above, a lot of the time I can tell it's like he catches himself now and can sort of pull it back before it really gains traction. Not every time, of course, but the frequency seems to have slowed a great deal. For a while there it was like every other day he was swinging back and forth from one extreme to the next, but now he does not flip that switch so quickly, he is more reflective and less reactive than I have ever seen him. I also notice it seems like you can tell he is a lot less certain of himself when he is feeling negatively toward me: instead of being accusatory, he seems more inclined to question whether or not I am deliberately trying to hurt him. Also, after the fact, he always apologizes now, which never happened before. He will say things like "I'm sorry I'm such a pain in the butt sometimes" or "I'm sorry that I always let my head get carried away." There is a new awareness there that I didn't see before.
The biggest thing, for me, is that when he really is having one of those "it's over" kind of moods where he is threatening to end the relationship, he will tell me he's grateful that we met. It's like the stark blackness of the black/white is a little less stark. I don't know how else to describe it.

[Radcliff]

CautiousHope,

Thanks for all the detail!  He is really lucky to have a friend like you.  You've done an extensive amount of homework, yet are also patient and wiling to support him on his timeline.  He sounds like an excellent candidate for DBT therapy, and would likely benefit greatly.  Some people are more comfortable considering it "skills training" as opposed to therapy.

You might find it valuable to look at this page on how to get a borderline into therapy.  There's a video at the end by a clinical researcher who figured out how best to approach the challenge of getting someone to get past unawareness of a mental illness and into therapy.  The video is an hour and forty minutes long (yes, that's pretty long!).  He drops a nugget 37 minutes in, and finally gets down to business at about 1:19.  It's worth watching, but you probably also want to read his book, "I Am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help! How to Help Someone with Mental Illness Accept Treatment."  In the video, he says that two things are predictive of whether or not someone will stay in treatment:  1. Awareness that they have a mental illness (often not going to happen), and/or 2. A relationship with someone who listens without judgement and thinks they'll benefit from treatment.  He founded the LEAP Institute to train people in these techniques (www.leapinstitute.org).  LEAP stands for Listen, Empathize, Agree, and Partner. 

WW

[CautiousHope]

CautiousHope,

Thanks for all the detail!  He is really lucky to have a friend like you.  You've done an extensive amount of homework, yet are also patient and wiling to support him on his timeline.  He sounds like an excellent candidate for DBT therapy, and would likely benefit greatly.  Some people are more comfortable considering it "skills training" as opposed to therapy.

You might find it valuable to look at this page on how to get a borderline into therapy.  There's a video at the end by a clinical researcher who figured out how best to approach the challenge of getting someone to get past unawareness of a mental illness and into therapy.  The video is an hour and forty minutes long (yes, that's pretty long!).  He drops a nugget 37 minutes in, and finally gets down to business at about 1:19.  It's worth watching, but you probably also want to read his book, "I Am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help! How to Help Someone with Mental Illness Accept Treatment."  In the video, he says that two things are predictive of whether or not someone will stay in treatment:  1. Awareness that they have a mental illness (often not going to happen), and/or 2. A relationship with someone who listens without judgement and thinks they'll benefit from treatment.  He founded the LEAP Institute to train people in these techniques (www.leapinstitute.org).  LEAP stands for Listen, Empathize, Agree, and Partner. 

WW

Thank you so much, I will definitely look into these resources. In the past few days he has started talking a lot about being more mindful of his thoughts and how his behavior affects others. He has taken an interest in self-awareness, specifically, and in a nutshell said that he is trying to practice self-soothing without depending on me so much. He didn't use those words, but that's the essence of what he said. I think a significant part of his anxiety about seeking treatment is environmental, I don't think he feels that his family and immediate social circle are supportive of "therapy," it seems to be sort of a taboo subject at the very least in his mind. He has implied on a few occasions that he would be open to it if he felt he had the right support, so even though that is a challenge, it feels like there could be worse starting points to jump from.

Am I being overly optimistic here? These seem like pretty big positive changes that aren't necessarily typical, or am I just naive to how this works? I am not letting hope run away with me, but 6 months ago I would have never expected he would ever consider treatment of any kind - now it suddenly feels feasible and I can't help but feel a little bit excited about it. I had more or less accepted that he would likely never change and that I would have to accept him as he is in his current state (or leave.) 

Thanks again.

[Radcliff]

CautiousHope,

His motivation to change, and the improvements you've seen, do seem atypically good.  I don't think your optimism is misplaced.  If you want a dose of pragmatism, I'll say that outside stressors, such as a career issue, illness of a family member, etc. can worsen symptoms.  Setbacks are to be expected.  But the trend you're seeing is encouraging.

A nice thing about DBT is that it can be considered "skills training" and not therapy.  My wife came from a background that did not encourage therapy.  She and her family thought it was a self-indulgent rich people did to complain about their problems and it was of no use.  When she finally got into DBT, after decades of poo-pooing therapy, she said she was shocked at how practical and useful it was.  She does a weekly skills training class with several students in it, as well as a weekly 1:1 with her therapist to talk about how to apply the skills in her life.

WW

[Tattered Heart]

I love hearing these stories. The communication skills can really help.

Did something change with your pwBPD or do you think a lot of the change had to do with the way you responded to him?

Do you feel like the tools give you a little more breathing room to adjust your own response?

[CautiousHope]

Thanks so much for the insight and perspectives, it helps a lot. I am hesitant to trust my intuition too much on any of this, but I have had this feeling since very early in the relationship that something in him is driven toward growth and it has been hard to ignore. I keep trying to always remember that he may never change beyond any given point and not to expect too much. At the very beginning of the relationship he was shocked by my pointing out that he seemed to be in a lot of emotional pain, he said he is "a happy go lucky, easy going person" and that I must be misreading him. After a while, he admitted that he struggles with "anxiety and depression." Then, slowly, over time after I had witnessed some of his very dark mood swings, he started to describe his dissociative experiences and depersonalization (not in those words, but just describing the experiences themselves and referring to them as stupid and weird and often calling himself "crazy" or describing some of his behaviors as his "craziness coming out." Now, he says certain things much more casually and effortlessly, "I'm a pretty anxious person, as you might have noticed." So, part of it, I think is that the trust has been built up. I am guessing that my not judging his anxiety, and also validating, makes it easier for him to express it. Plus, I have had decades of therapy for my own trauma, so I can relate to him on things and also I have explained things to him like dissociation and why it happens and how it might feel, because it's something that I used to experience myself at one point in time. So, I think trust is a huge factor. If I ask him, he gives credit to me for the change. I don't know of any life changes that may have contributed, but I also doubt he'd have the insight to connect them if they did. I would say the tools and validation and feeling heard really have been it.

But, having said that, I think that the trust has been built up more quickly by using the communication tools. I know that he was attached to me before and he has said before that he trusts me more than anyone else in his life, but after implementing the communication tools it really shifted the dynamic of things. We really don't "fight" anymore, we discuss. Sometimes, of course, his mood goes too far and there is no room for discussion, and so I let him be in those periods. But, the majority of the time, when he would normally pick a fight or if he tries to pick a fight, I use the tools and what happens is that we end up having a back and forth discussion about feelings and what's going on, if something needs to change, or sometimes simply just acknowledging or pointing out that sometimes times are tough and we have to decide for ourselves whether it's worth sitting through tough circumstances. And, in almost every case, he agrees wholly that the good in our relationship outweighs the bad, and so it's worth it even though sometimes it's difficult. We also use a LOT of gratitude in our communication. I try to implement that when he is splitting and/or pushing me away, my go-to closing line is usually something like: "If you feel that you need some space right now, I will respect that and I will be here when you decide you'd like to talk again. Thank you for being in my life today."
And now, no matter how bad he seems to be feeling, he will often return that sentiment. "No matter what, I'm glad we met." or "I'm grateful for every day we had." It's pretty powerful stuff, I think. It really seems to reel him back to a more centered place. It also gives me a sense of peace just to say it, it's a better perspective for me to feel glad for the time we have had and what I have learned from our experience, than it is to just sit with the question "is this it?"

I think the tools have given me a LOT of breathing room. The urgency and pressure that I felt before to do things "right" or to not upset him was too much, I wanted no part in it. But learning that I can assert my boundaries and actually improve the relationship was incredibly freeing. And, my being less stressed makes it infinitely easier to navigate the relationship and keep things running more smoothly. I feel confident and in control, even when he's all over the place.

[CautiousHope]

Also, regarding the "skills training," I love that idea and I think I will lean into that. I have been trying to break down some of the ideas he has thrown out about therapy, very subtly. I also talk highly of my own experiences with therapy and how I view it more as a "class" to learn tools to make your life easier, that you are really in charge of your recovery and therapy experience, and that your therapist works for you. I love the idea of calling it skills training, I will start to include that when I talk about it. Thank you.

[Radcliff]

CautiousHope, just to make sure we've fully studied your success to date... .

You said validation is the #1 tool, I think.  Then boundaries.  Can you tell us how boundaries impacts your communication?  Are there any other tools that have made a notable difference?

Thanks,

WW

[CautiousHope]

Validating (and not being invalidating, which is a hard one to break, as I grew up in and live in an invalidating environment, so this opened my eyes to some seriously bad habits of my own.)
Empathy - real empathy, really getting on his level. I am a highly empathetic person (I'm the sort of person who immediately tries to understand the perspective of people like serial killers or my own narcissistic mother), but really getting on his level and trying to understand his side when he is against me was challenging. It still is challenging. But, he can tell the difference between when I'm really understanding him and when I'm just placating him, so I have to find it genuinely or the validation either falls short or serves to upset him further because it comes off as "pity" in his mind.

Boundaries. I also try to encourage him to have and set boundaries (though it actually frustrates him, I still encourage it.) I started using boundaries early on without realizing their importance, but the very first time I really heard him get upset and he started yelling at me, we were on the phone and I very calmly said "I'm not going to talk to you until you stop raising your voice to me" and I hung up the phone. He was stunned and immediately changed his tone, he said he didn't even realize he had raised his voice which surprised me, because he was going berserk. The second time it happened, I did the same thing. This was before learning the tools, I just don't like to be yelled at, but looking back I think it was an important occurrence. He hasn't yelled at me again since. There have been other more challenging behaviors for him to control. Especially inappropriate impulsive behaviors, but I learned to ride them out until they eventually subsided or at least slowed to a dull roar. Learning about extinction bursts was HUGELY helpful, because some things got much worse before they got better. But, afterward, I noticed he would sort of feel a little proud of himself. I think that learning that he can both control his behavior and also be heard has been important. The boundaries help us both a lot.

I remove myself when he escalates past the point of no return.

Using feeling statements and letting him know when something he has done has had an impact on me (negative or positive) by using feeling statements. Also, helping him to identify his own feelings by using them: "you seem to be feeling anxious/sad/distressed... .etc"

Asking questions like "what makes you say that?" and "what did I do that leads you think that?"

I work on myself and I make sure he sees it. I go to therapy, I talk about my anxiety and depression and talk about the steps I'm taking to improve these issues. I stress the importance of my autonomy and self-care. I admit my faults and imperfections and I accept them out loud. I point out that I am imperfect and that I accept it, but that I am always trying to grow. "I am not perfect, but I do the best I can." or "Like all people, I have good traits and I have bad traits, but all I can do is strive to be the best person that I can be." I use these a lot if he has criticism that has some truth to it. Honestly, most of his criticism does. It's blown out of proportion, but the truth is that he has pointed things out to me that I really could stand to work on. So I do. I sort of have the mentality that if people with BPD are operating primarily out of deeply ingrained habits and they are able to unlearn those habits and learn new habits (which I understand to be the case), then leading by example is one way to teach that.

The dual benefit is that I grow from the experience while setting a good example for him. I am learning to be in the moment more, since things change so abruptly. I feel more patient than ever before and I considered myself to be a very patient person in the first place. I am learning to be a better listener. I am better at practicing thinking before I speak, even when I'm upset (maybe especially when I'm upset.) I'm also learning not to react to my emotions so much, while still honoring them.

[Radcliff]

CautiousHope,

Thank you for that rundown!  Really, that's pretty impressive.  It must be very rewarding to have all your hard work pay off.  Thanks for sharing!

WW