Asked for a new boundary - re texting

[ClingToHope]

I have really felt battered down this last month especially and since confronting him with the hurtful texts he sends with lots of ranting is not a viable option I was getting really discouraged.
Soo
I had an idea today, I’ve asked that texting is only for saying nice things or idle chat ect and that any issues or troubles he needs to bring up I’d appreciate in person or talking on the phone.

He started to get very stressed by this so I made sure to emphasize that I do want to hear his concerns but I would be better able to address them in person. That texting overwhelms me
I have also committed to letting him talk fully without interrupting him or cutting him off (which I have done when he rants suddenly)

I have encouraged him to write all the stuff down as if he was going to text me and then wait until the evening to talk about it.

He tends to be more polite in person without the shield of texting.
He is less likely to look at me and accuse me of being selfish.
He is often more grounded when we are next to each other so I am hoping this will be a good delay tactic for his rants and help him to filter his complaints a bit.

He didn’t jump at it for sure but I acknowledged that I could see he was stressed by this change but would appreciate us giving it a try so we could see if it helps us communicate better.

I’m really proud of myself with how I presented it. And it was an idea that case to me while I was next to him and feeling disconnected from him because I was so angry at the lack of accountability I can get from him.

This felt like I was getting him to agree to do that without him knowing.

I’ll keep ya updated on how it goes. Really hoping there is not a huge extinction Burt from this but it has recharged my patience a bit.

Thanks for listening
Happy Easter

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[NGU]

This felt like I was getting him to agree to do that without him knowing.

I totally get that. I've never written anything down here about this, and considering your day... .definitely not the time. Nothing negative; just similar observations.

Now for the main topic:

You thought this through, delivered it well and it paid off.

Obviously, you'll have to wait to see how it goes, but that's the thing. This is small steps over a long period. And a lot of patience, which you even mentioned just got recharged a bit.

Nice.

And THEN, the clear summary of all that here. It's a really good update. Thank you.

-ngu

[Mutt]

Hi ClingToHope,

That’s a good idea. Texting is less personal than talking in person so it’s easier for him to say nasty things plus if you told him to write things down and you want him to bring it up in the evening, it gives him a chance to return to baseline or you might find him in a different mood. Please update us and Happy Easter!

[Radcliff]

ClingToHope,

It is a fantastic idea to move problem solving and emotional issues away from text.  Brilliant how you made this about yourself ("I feel overwhelmed" and not about him, saying how you can meet his needs better face-to-face.

If he brings issue to you in person or even if he simlply gives you a day free of harsh texts, make sure to lavish validation on him.  It would be good to look up the DEARMAN tool (sorry, I'm on a mobile device and can't give you a link).  That tool is for asking someone for something we want.

One thing that caught my eye, though, is when you said you "got him to agree" without him knowing it.  Agreement is good if you can get it, but remember for boundaries you don't need agreement.  If this arrangement goes well, excellent.  If he starts with harsh texts again, remember the boundary is about how you behave.  Simply don't answer them, or say, "This sounds important, I want to give you my full attention in person when I get home."  If the barrage continues, just ignore it, and put your phone on silent.

Keep us posted on how it goes!

WW

[ClingToHope]

ClingToHope,

It is a  It would be good to look up the DEARMAN tool (sorry, I'm on a mobile device and can't give you a link).  That tool is for asking someone for something we want.

One thing that caught my eye, though, is when you said you "got him to agree" without him knowing it.  Agreement is good if you can get it, but remember for boundaries you don't need agreement.

WW

I will definitely look up the tool. Thank you

I should clarify what I felt like I got him to agree to

It was not the boundry no issues by text.

It was the filtering of his issues.
It’s not something he’s ever been able to do. From the beginning even before I knew he had issues he would “vent” to me about me. It baffles me
And we had many arguments about that not being cool
I now understand why he never got it

When we had tried couples therapy and he would hear me recount what he said to her he would accuse me of making him look bad and making her take my side.
(I was usually reading texts he wrote so I had proof I wasn’t embellishing )

So I’m hoping if he has to read back to me what he wrote when he was ranting he may choose not to if he’s had a chance to calm down.

Well that’s the hope.

So yes I agree that boundaries don’t need agreement. Cause we would never get to set them if we waited for that.

I appreciate your reminder to validate him if he respects my boundaries
It’s easy to forget when we are always on the defence
So thank you

[Radcliff]

So I’m hoping if he has to read back to me what he wrote when he was ranting he may choose not to if he’s had a chance to calm down.

I'm sorry, I'm feeling a little dense.  I don't quite understand you.

So yes I agree that boundaries don’t need agreement. Cause we would never get to set them if we waited for that.

This was the approach that I tried first, and I can confirm that it does not work.   

WW

[ClingToHope]

I'm sorry, I'm feeling a little dense.  I don't quite understand you.


WW

Impulse control is a struggle for him when he is worked up. And will send me hurtful words and accusations that he often regrets when he’s leveled out.
My hope is if he gets to rant in the notes he makes instead of texts he would send me that when it comes time to share his thoughts with me he will choose to share less that what he wrote.
So by making it a rule that texting is only for niceties and standard contact that the crap he used to send may lessen when he has to say it to my face.

Up till now it appears he is bolder by text than in person (like the people who stir stuff up with their computers as a shield of anonymity

It could back fire and I push him to be more confrontational in person but I’m really crossing my fingers and toes that it does not shift that way

[Radcliff]

Him writing things down and not saying them to you over text, then waiting until he is cooleer and face to face is brilliant!  Has he had any successes with this yet?

WW

[waverider]

Impulse control is a struggle for him when he is worked up. And will send me hurtful words and accusations that he often regrets when he’s leveled out.
My hope is if he gets to rant in the notes he makes instead of texts he would send me that when it comes time to share his thoughts with me he will choose to share less that what he wrote.
So by making it a rule that texting is only for niceties and standard contact that the crap he used to send may lessen when he has to say it to my face.

Up till now it appears he is bolder by text than in person (like the people who stir stuff up with their computers as a shield of anonymity

It could back fire and I push him to be more confrontational in person but I’m really crossing my fingers and toes that it does not shift that way

This is giving him a little space to practice some self soothing. Anytime you can encourage a space between trigger > reaction> communication is all good. It is the complete lack of pause to even put things into perspective that creates all the damage.

Keep in mind even though you have made this "agreement" he  is likely to break it once the emotions of the moment take over, so you will have to then enforce it, and best not to keep dragging up the fact that you had an agreement, as that is telling him he has failed. That will be taken as a criticism and only likely to make it worse, especially if you have to keep doing it (and you most likely will). Bring it back to what you are comfortable with and what you are willing to deal with.

[ClingToHope]

Him writing things down and not saying them to you over text, then waiting until he is cooleer and face to face is brilliant!  Has he had any successes with this yet?

WW

Minimal
But the texting boundary hadn’t been established so I’m hoping to be put to more use. And he will possibly have some written accounts of his thought process he can show the therapist if he ageees to go.

I really hope this is as much of a tourning point as it feels like. Only time will tell.

[ClingToHope]

This is giving him a little space to practice some self soothing. Anytime you can encourage a space between trigger > reaction> communication is all good. It is the complete lack of pause to even put things into perspective that creates all the damage.

Keep in mind even though you have made this "agreement" he  is likely to break it once the emotions of the moment take over, so you will have to then enforce it, and best not to keep dragging up the fact that you had an agreement, as that is telling him he has failed. That will be taken as a criticism and only likely to make it worse, especially if you have to keep doing it (and you most likely will). Bring it back to what you are comfortable with and what you are willing to deal with.

Thank you
This is a good point and I believe you are correct. He’s gonna push this boundry for sure. He was visibly stressed when I let him know the new expectations for texting.
I have been thinking what my response will be so it doesn’t feel like I’m chastising him ect.
What would you recommend?

[waverider]

eg "I am happy to discuss this in full when I get home, I am not willing to discuss this via txt"... If he persists dont respond any further or repeat it.

It is the truth, it is not directly critical yet is supportive. You are only saying what you will do, not what he should do.

Be consistent it takes a while to set a new precedent.

[Radcliff]

It can also be good to throw in some validation, like "I know this is important to you" and I've found it pretty handy to say something like, "I really need to talk about something this important face-to-face, let's talk as soon as we see each other."  You're being firm, but are talking about what you need to be effective, and are not being punitive.

Of course, you'll just say this on the first volley of the day.  And after a few days of gently saying stuff like that, you'll get briefer, "Let's talk about it when we see each other," and eventually you simply won't answer emotional texts.

If he ever starts putting the screws to you about how you don't care because you won't answer his texts, you can tell him how important it is to you to solve problems so you both feel better, and solving problems over text never works.  You are pushing those important conversations to face-to-face because you care.

WW

[Tattered Heart]

Keep in mind even though you have made this "agreement" he  is likely to break it once the emotions of the moment take over, so you will have to then enforce it, and best not to keep dragging up the fact that you had an agreement, as that is telling him he has failed. That will be taken as a criticism and only likely to make it worse, especially if you have to keep doing it (and you most likely will). Bring it back to what you are comfortable with and what you are willing to deal with.

Great idea on talking things out in person. My H has a hard time understanding/reading emotions through text. It's much easier to misinterpret and it's easy to say things that you wouldn't say in person. I agree with waverider. He may forget about the agreement, or feel so overwhelmed with emotions that he will want to start talking about intense subjects through text. Mandating the agreement back to him could cause a big reaction. But I think there is a way to plan for this and try to get things back into in person communication.

How could  respond to him in a way that lets him know you are listening and want to hear him out but would prefer to do so once you are face to face?

[RandomName]

Of the 30+ splits and even more fights that my uBPDexgf started, all but two were via text. (One of those two led to sex, the other to our second big break-up.) We usually get along so well in person. I told her right as we started dating that I thought texting should only be for brief check-ins, logistics, jokes, and sexting -- nothing heavy or emotional. She kept breaking this boundary and I kept letting her, and it would get worse. I wish I had enforced this the first time, we might not have had as much drama. I think she deliberately uses texting for her push/pull behavior, it allows her to manage everything better and with distance.

I like your idea but you have to be unequivocally firm with it. If he starts using negative language, immediately bow out and tell him you're bowing out, and do not engage until he apologizes -- in person or by call at least. Good luck.