25 years with BPD...3 years NC

[Hopeless777]

What can one say. I used to be relatively active on this board 3-4 years ago. My story is buried somewhere here back in time. I ran, finally, after the kids were safely grown and out of the house. Cost me everything... .but I survived. I refuse to date. I couldn't even imagine opening myself up to another person. The pain was just too much. I have rebuilt my life... .now I'm trying to rebuild a home. I want to go home so bad sometimes, but it no longer exists. Everything was destroyed by BPD. But I wasn't. It was close. But I work every day to heal and rebuild a life cruelly devastated. But I have hope. I persevere. I'm on my way... .home sweet home.

[Turkish]

Hopeless777,

Good to see you again!

She put you through a lot,  including DV and games in court.  And almost 30 years... .I wouldn't be keen on opening myself up either.

What is rebuilding to you that is working,  can you share?

[spero]

Hello there Hopeless777 

30 years... that is something i really cannot fathom. I would like to join Turkish in welcoming back into the community.
I am really sorry for the things that have happened to you in the past. Please just give us a holler if you need anything and let us know how you're keeping up with things today.

Spero

[Insom]

Hi, Hopeless777!   

Welcome back.  I'm unfamiliar with your backstory but it sounds like you endured a lot. 

I have rebuilt my life... .now I'm trying to rebuild a home.

I love this statement because it sounds hope-full!  When you think about rebuilding, what does home look like to you?  What do you want home to feel like moving forward?

[Foursome]

Dang 30 years I am speechless.  I know how I feel after 3 years.  The good thing is your alive and headed in the right direction.

From my experience so far you are a very very lucky man.  I wouldnt be alive right now if mine had her hooks in me that long.  No way in the world I would be.

[MeandThee29]

You encourage me. We're coming up on eight months of separation and have been married twenty-five years.

My kids are in college and live with me, so I'm technically not alone, although I miss the fellowship of marriage.

He has alternating thoughts of reconciling and divorcing. My part-time work is barely supporting us. It's a tough time, but I am finding myself again. He hates that I have boundaries. I'll get there.

[Hopeless777]

Hang in there. It does get better on some days. After three years NC I only have pity parties once or twice a week. Keep busy with worth while activities. Avoid dating until you’re really ready. You know when you’re not ready. You’ll never know when you’re ready. Stay NC for your sanity. Let the kids do what they want. We need to know nothing about the former SO. Enjoy the present. Forget the past but remember the lessons. Don’t ignore red flags. Don’t be afraid to say no and run away fast.

You encourage me. We're coming up on eight months of separation and have been married twenty-five years.

My kids are in college and live with me, so I'm technically not alone, although I miss the fellowship of marriage.

He has alternating thoughts of reconciling and divorcing. My part-time work is barely supporting us. It's a tough time, but I am finding myself again. He hates that I have boundaries. I'll get there.

[Hopeless777]

I died every day for years in countless ways until I broke down and ran. I walked away from everything but myself. I have no regrets. There are some things I'd have done different in hind sight, but in the end I'm satisfied that I did all I could, I stayed as long as I could, I loved with all I had, but in the end BPD wins.

Dang 30 years I am speechless.  I know how I feel after 3 years.  The good thing is your alive and headed in the right direction.

From my experience so far you are a very very lucky man.  I wouldnt be alive right now if mine had her hooks in me that long.  No way in the world I would be.

[Hopeless777]

Funny thing, Turkish, I was in therapy after leaving and my therapist asked what I like to do. That was nearly three years ago. I honestly couldn't say. How sad. My life was caregiver satisfying her needs. I no longer had an existence. Now, rebuilding means discovering what brings me enjoyment and satisfaction, independent of anyone else... .just me. I'm not selfish. I just realize that you have to take care of yourself first. I lost that decades ago. After three years I still can't readily answer the question but I'm getting closer I think. My biggest regret is all the lost time and the lost dream. Time I can't replace but, perhaps I can replace the dream. I'm working on finding my way home, even though I have to build it brick by brick. It takes a long time and I'm often tired from the ordeal. Perhaps the lost dream will again be found. Sometimes I'm sad just thinking about it all.

Hopeless777,

Good to see you again!

She put you through a lot,  including DV and games in court.  And almost 30 years... .I wouldn't be keen on opening myself up either.

What is rebuilding to you that is working,  can you share?

[Hopeless777]

Maybe my idea of "home" is too ideal. But it's the place where someone is happy to see you return after being gone. I really miss that level of companionship. I'm afraid it's forever gone because I know I'm damaged. I'm working to heal. But it takes a long time I think. I improve and persevere, but I muss coming home.

Hi, Hopeless777!   

Welcome back.  I'm unfamiliar with your backstory but it sounds like you endured a lot. 

I love this statement because it sounds hope-full!  When you think about rebuilding, what does home look like to you?  What do you want home to feel like moving forward?

[Jeffree]

25 years. My Lord. I couldn't imagine.

The total lifespan of my two relationships that led to marriages that failed is 18 years.

But I do find it takes some time to recover.

Thanks for the reminder that there's more to life than spending it in an unhappy marriage.

J

[randomuser94]

Funny thing, Turkish, I was in therapy after leaving and my therapist asked what I like to do. That was nearly three years ago. I honestly couldn't say. How sad. My life was caregiver satisfying her needs. I no longer had an existence. Now, rebuilding means discovering what brings me enjoyment and satisfaction, independent of anyone else... .just me. I'm not selfish. I just realize that you have to take care of yourself first. I lost that decades ago. After three years I still can't readily answer the question but I'm getting closer I think. My biggest regret is all the lost time and the lost dream. Time I can't replace but, perhaps I can replace the dream. I'm working on finding my way home, even though I have to build it brick by brick. It takes a long time and I'm often tired from the ordeal. Perhaps the lost dream will again be found. Sometimes I'm sad just thinking about it all.

I've gone trough the same fear when I was with my BPDex. I was seeing me dream getting further and further away from me. I can;t compare to your 30 years and 3 of NC as i'be barely been into 3years together with 3 months of NC but I can relate to you and this feeling of losing yourself,your dreams. It takes a lot of strength to be in your boots right now.

[Hopeless777]

It’ll be 4 years NC on 6/15 (only reason I remember is that’s the last time we were together and it’s my birthday). Yesterday a contractor came over to work on my house. Seems he was recently working at her house, not having seen her for about 5 years. Said he was shocked at the deterioration. Apparently, she’s on medications or something... .can’t focus and real unhappy. I’m not sure if I’m happy she’s a wreck or whether I’m sad. Nothing I can do about it anyways. I didn’t want to hear about all the bitter things she said. I still love her after nearly 26 years of marriage. Just can never go back to that mess again. Life sure is strange.

[juju2]

Reading your story, hope777, am reminded of something in the BPD literature, how the biggest challenge is to take care of our emotions.  I did not do that... .I didn't even know about how to deal w his BPD, I discounted it, he was high functioning, and would cycle w dysregulation.  It's almost like we become the person they were, when they were being abused... .We help them continue the cycle.

A one yr Sep fm dxBPD, together 10 yrs, we are still seeing eachother once a week.  He recently asked to come over and spend time together w our animals, we split up our pet family, so they will be together for a visit.

I am only now -this last year-working on my co dependency.  We were the perfect storm.  It was classic BPD, love bombed for 6 months, I was never cared for like that.  Then, his disorder came out little by little, then more and more.  At the end it seemed like he hated me, at the very least, didn't like me.  We were toxic, that is why I asked for space, to see if we each could become healthy... .
My story is here... .

I still have hope.  somewhere over the rainbow.

Maybe you would consider shortening your name to hope777.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Hopeless777, I admire your courage to leave an unhealthy situation.  My BPDxW and I separated after 13 years of marriage and formally divorced after 16 years.  I lost myself for a while there during my marriage, which was not fun.  It sounds like you can relate.  Towards the end, I had nothing left in the tank, having exhausted all my resources, emotionally, physically and financially.  I lost nearly everything and my Ex is still trying to destroy me.  So what?  I have my life back and can be authentic again.  It's my path, which feels good, even when the going gets rough.

It sounds great that you have a project to work towards, finding a home.

LuckyJim

[Hopeless777]

The most important thing gained was PEACE! No more chaos and pandemonium. 20+ years of crazy left me depleted. Rebuilding now amidst the quiet solitude. Worth every penny paid. Losing 75% on my net worth and making alimony payments is so worth it. I'll never give up my life again for another person.

Hey Hopeless777, I admire your courage to leave an unhealthy situation.  My BPDxW and I separated after 13 years of marriage and formally divorced after 16 years.  I lost myself for a while there during my marriage, which was not fun.  It sounds like you can relate.  Towards the end, I had nothing left in the tank, having exhausted all my resources, emotionally, physically and financially.  I lost nearly everything and my Ex is still trying to destroy me.  So what?  I have my life back and can be authentic again.  It's my path, which feels good, even when the going gets rough.

It sounds great that you have a project to work towards, finding a home.

LuckyJim

[Hopeless777]

Yes... .only too familiar. I was the rescuer; she was the rescuee. I was co-dependent; she was ultimately diagnosed BPD. Despite trying everything, and overlooking her being arrested for domestic violence, I had to leave because she was becoming violent again. The kids were out of the house by then. I let her have the dog. I'm so happy I escaped it all. I intend to never see her again. Working on the dream again... .but my dream, not someone elses. I wish you the best. NC really worked for me and continues to do so.

Reading your story, hope777, am reminded of something in the BPD literature, how the biggest challenge is to take care of our emotions.  I did not do that... .I didn't even know about how to deal w his BPD, I discounted it, he was high functioning, and would cycle w dysregulation.  It's almost like we become the person they were, when they were being abused... .We help them continue the cycle.

A one yr Sep fm dxBPD, together 10 yrs, we are still seeing eachother once a week.  He recently asked to come over and spend time together w our animals, we split up our pet family, so they will be together for a visit.

I am only now -this last year-working on my co dependency.  We were the perfect storm.  It was classic BPD, love bombed for 6 months, I was never cared for like that.  Then, his disorder came out little by little, then more and more.  At the end it seemed like he hated me, at the very least, didn't like me.  We were toxic, that is why I asked for space, to see if we each could become healthy... .
My story is here... .

I still have hope.  somewhere over the rainbow.

Maybe you would consider shortening your name to hope777.

[mywifecrazy]

Hey there... .

 Long time!  I'm not on here much anymore, pop in here now and then without posting. Saw your post and had to say Hi and also glad to hear that your rebuilding your life.  It's hard but with Gods help we are healed. Hang in there brother!

MWC... .

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Hopeless777,

I can certainly relate to a lot of what you have experienced.  Coming up on our 38th anniversary.  We have been apart for 4 months, not NC but LC.  I miss home and the caring side of my partner.  I just never knew which side was going to show up.   I also overlooked so much.  So many things I can’t believe I was willing to forgive and forget.  Finally, violence pushed me away, too.  It just wasn’t safe or sane anymore.  As you say, the relationship almost destroyed me.  I have peace and a kind of oasis of tranquility on my own.  I’m without the chaos, drama, anger and fear.  Can’t even imagine going back to that. 

Good to hear that you are rebuilding your life and following your dreams.  Looking forward to hearing more about how that’s going.  It’s good to hear success stories.   Thank you for sharing. 

[Hopeless777]

Hi there! I completely understand what you went through and what you're probably going through. Fleeing from a very very long term relationship with a disturbed person who finally turns violent is so hard. I now just relish the peace and quiet. But after so many years together, I do sometimes miss the chaos and excitement. Peace wins out every time.

Hi Hopeless777,

I can certainly relate to a lot of what you have experienced.  Coming up on our 38th anniversary.  We have been apart for 4 months, not NC but LC.  I miss home and the caring side of my partner.  I just never knew which side was going to show up.   I also overlooked so much.  So many things I can’t believe I was willing to forgive and forget.  Finally, violence pushed me away, too.  It just wasn’t safe or sane anymore.  As you say, the relationship almost destroyed me.  I have peace and a kind of oasis of tranquility on my own.  I’m without the chaos, drama, anger and fear.  Can’t even imagine going back to that. 

Good to hear that you are rebuilding your life and following your dreams.  Looking forward to hearing more about how that’s going.  It’s good to hear success stories.   Thank you for sharing. 

[gotbushels]

Hi Hopeless777   

But I have hope. I persevere. I'm on my way... .home sweet home.

Working on the dream again... .but my dream, not someone elses.

Thank you for visiting again and sharing. I'm so glad to see things worked out peacefully for you--and to see you've got the space and time to replenish yourself after so many years. I join the others in supporting you and welcome your messages of peace. I wish you well and more years of peace to come.