Ex contacted me after 6 months- to reply or not

[truthbeknown]

I was just starting to accept i would never see my ex again and had unfriended her earlier this month from fb. And then today she reached out bc of Passover to wish me a happy holiday.

3 weeks ago her friend posted pics of her and the replacement on fb. I deleted them both. 

Confused why she would reach out now? I'm fighting myself if i should just ignore or answer with a simple happy holiday. I live in a different state now so no chance of being tempted to get recycled.

Thoughts?

[CryWolf]

Hey truthbeknown,
Im sorry that right when you were ready to let go your ex came back. Its like exes have a "6th sense".

There could be many reasons your ex reached out. Perhaps missed you, new partner didnt work out, maybe just a friendly gesture.

if you respond, how do you think the conversation would lead to? I know you live in a new state now, but emotionally how do you think you can handle the conversation? I know if my ex reached me no matter where i am, i would start hyperventilating.

Best wishes

[truthbeknown]

great question and I don't know.  I struggle with having had to have gone from having a sexual experience with her to no contact.  I have felt like i didn't even matter to her and now she shows up?

Does it really mean that i matter or just playing games with me?  It's not that i want to be in a relationship with her again because my heart couldn't handle it but someone just posted in a relationship group that i'm in that she had never known what true love was until her ex respectfully responded to her reaching out even though she could not be with him romantically anymore.  It was the first person who treated her with unconditional love and it meant alot to her.  They are not romantic partners but distant friends and she knows if she ever needed anything he would be there for her.   That is unconditional love but i think the difference was that she did not cheat on him and she was the one trying to get him to talk things out at the end and he pulled away. So different dynamics.  Mine was messing around with another guy and just 4 weeks ago her and her boyfriend were out at some function together.  So i'm thinking that either they got in an a arguement or broke up or she is just toying with me to see if I am still available to her when she wants?

It messes with my head.  I wish i could be the unconditional love guy for her.  I want that role in some ways but it's so hard because we did not end amicably.   Recently i had a friend betray me and i have no interest in contacting him or ever speaking to him again.  Why can't i do this to her then?  I still remember loving her.  Kissing her etc.   It's so hard not to remember how i adored her.  And yet she cast me aside and not wants some portal back into my life?  I don't get it.  I know it's part of the disorder but it messes with my mind.  Mostly because i have wanted to know that i mattered to her and now she shows up?  Her reaching out may not mean that i matter to her anyway but that she is just looking for some validation that someone cares?  IDK.   conflicted to say the least.

Wish this was easier!

[SlyQQ]

No!

[Pencil sketch]

Mine has reconnected twice, and both times, I responded.
Don't do It, it's nothing to do with you, it's all about her needs, and the cycle will continue.
Stay strong, think about what brought you here in the first place?
Responding, will put you back, stay strong.

[Cromwell]

great question and I don't know.  I struggle with having had to have gone from having a sexual experience with her to no contact.  I have felt like i didn't even matter to her and now she shows up?

Does it really mean that i matter or just playing games with me?  It's not that i want to be in a relationship with her again because my heart couldn't handle it but someone just posted in a relationship group that i'm in that she had never known what true love was until her ex respectfully responded to her reaching out even though she could not be with him romantically anymore.  It was the first person who treated her with unconditional love and it meant alot to her.  They are not romantic partners but distant friends and she knows if she ever needed anything he would be there for her.   That is unconditional love but i think the difference was that she did not cheat on him and she was the one trying to get him to talk things out at the end and he pulled away. So different dynamics.  Mine was messing around with another guy and just 4 weeks ago her and her boyfriend were out at some function together.  So i'm thinking that either they got in an a arguement or broke up or she is just toying with me to see if I am still available to her when she wants?

most likely this.

they are like cats who go away and find someone in the neighbourhood who starts to feed them, all that love for your pet you long for what has happened, are they ok? where the hell are they?

then one day the neighbour moves away, so kitty who had completely forgotten about you remembers there was a cosy place she can try to go back to. cue: miao miao at the door, a great shock mixed with bewilderment that shes back, straight away a nuzzle to your leg and head straight to the kitchen and flop in front of the warm fire for awhile. you never know what happened - but feel glad they are back and safe.

fully refreshed they set out again for their next adventure but will always remember how comfortable it is back at headquarters when they need to return.

'domesticated' cats are actually the borderlines of the animal world.

[truthbeknown]

Playmistyforme:

great analogy.  The ironic thing is that i grew up with cats and know them really well.  I would say your example was an "outside" cat.  It's the reason that i never let my domesticated cats go outside.  Once they get a taste of the independence, they always want it.  I had a cat that was domesticated inside cat and when i got divorce i had to move into a place that had roommates.  We had gotten this new roomate that liked cats and he used to stay up late at night and eat food.  My once loyal kitty all of sudden was lying on his lap hoping to get food (fuel).   He would occasionally give my cat some cereal because he liked the attention.  He didn't want any of the responsibility of taking care of my cat just liked giving it attention (like the people who have affairs with someone elses partner- they get a high off feeding it).  I think he also liked luring it away from me(power buttons for him).  So this is a great analogy because i remember feeling betrayed by my little kitty and it was the first time since i had owned cats that i saw this dynamic because mine were always indoor cats.  

So now i'm thinking about the metaphor.  She roamed around the neighborhood and found an old high school roomate (new neighbor).  He has been there to feed her and he probably doesn't want to take care of her (who knows ) but now he's away on spring break or maybe even stopped feeding her.  So she is coming back to me for a little attention (food) but that's about it. Having a taste of freedom; she will surely want to go outside again (i think with this analogy).

Now back to why I thought i'd want to respond.  I thought if i responded i can finally ask her what her intentions are and/or just tell her why her coming around after all this time doesn't work for me.  If she's like your cat analogy, she probably won't understand because that's just her nature.  But i'm wondering if i will feel better finally telling her how i feel and why i need the boundary of her leaving me alone?

On one of my other groups that i'm in on fb someone said that when she broke up with her boyfriend it was because she feared him pulling away so she broke up.  Then she would reach out to him when she missed him but it wasn't a romantic missing it was missing him as a force in her life.  She said he always respectfully replied and that over the years him responding or just "being there" was the kindest thing anyone had ever done for her.  She was raised with abuse and didn't know what love was. (she was like a stray kitty I guess).  So his responses even though not romantic let her know that someone in the world cared about her.  What i don't know (and i'm trying to see if she'll respond today) is whether she went right out and got a new boyfriend/s?   and whether she just reached out to him when she was in between.  Maybe she's saying that she never had a man love her unromantically unconditionally?  

I know my ex is messed up because of her narcissistic mom.  But I don't want to get back together with her -I simply want to ask her "what is your intention of reaching out? are you interested in being friends? or something else because i believe you were the one that wanted to move on and i'm wondering why all this time you are reaching out?  do you need closure?  are you lonely?  what is the reason you want to keep in touch?"  or something like that?  

The other thing is that i never told her how i felt about her leaving me and discarding me like she did.  Will it change her? I don't think so but recently i've been posting about living with my Mom again temporarily.  We've had some interactions where her lack of empathy really showed.  So i finally told her how i felt about it.  I told her why it hurts when she does what she does.   She has actually been treating me better since i have told her so there was some healing in that for me.  I didn't have the intention of changing her of fixing her.  I just simply wanted to stand up for myself and tell her that she hurt me.  She said, "your so sensitive."  and i said, "if someone bobs someone in the nose and then they cry it's not because they are too sensitive, it's because physiologically it really hurts.  IF someone stepped on your bare foot or bopped you in the nose and then said, "does that hurt" how would you feel? Yes it is hurtful when someone does something that hurts another but not because they are different then anyone else."  I also sited an example of how her mother/ my grandmother hurt her feelings when i was younger.  She couldn't believe that i remembered.  I told her that i remember her crying in the car and i could only think that she wanted to get love from her mom not be hurt by something her mom said.  My grandmother told her that SHE was the reason for her being sick and going into the hospital when in fact she smoked 10 packs of cigarettes a week when my mom was younger and developed emphysema.   The projecting the lack of responsibility onto others seems to run in my family with the women.  

Anyway, i felt better just getting it off my chest.  I didn't do it in an angry way and again i didn't have an expectation from her.  I DID however feel like saying it was me finally standing up for myself.  It felt good to take care of my inner child versus just sitting back and letting someone hurt me and not respond to it.  

Thank you again for the cat analogy!  I really do think she's roaming around the neighborhood and he's on vacation or left temporarily or something.   BTW, people who own or have outdoor cats don't ever feel threatened if kitty gets fed by someone else because they don't mind others picking up the slack for them etc.  Many times those that i have known that let their cats go outside it's because they recognize that the cats want freedom or they project them "needing" freedom and so they live vicariously through their outdoor cats freedom.   I always kept mine inside because I know their nature and was fully capable of taking care of my cat.   However, in this case with my ex- i sort've was not fully capable.  I had lost my job right around the time she got off of antidepressants (bad combination) and she/kitty needed some more attention and food (fuel) (perhaps?) that i couldn't give her.
  
Perhaps i feel guilty about that?  that i didn't have a good home for kitty?  I'm really going to sit with this analogy.  If i can accept that she's an outside cat now, i still will never let her back in the house (too many fleas) but saying hi back to her would be the equivalent of putting food outside but not letting her get too close.  The problem with giving food to an outside cat is then you can't get rid of them until they find another food source (wow- love how this is making me think about this from a totally different perspective!)

interesting... .

[Cromwell]

its a bit triggering that she came back to you in 6 months, same as mine, but just a coincidence.

 Just remember how important you were to her during that time. I wasnt in a relationship when she all of a sudden disappeared so I wasnt too bothered when she got in contact again, albeit, a bit pleasantly surprised, as I liked being friends and hanging out with her prior to her going off the grid.

we were just hanging around from time to time, the sex got less and less, but we were both single and I had other people my own circle of friends as did she, and there was only a slight bit of overlap between these circles. before she met another "love of my life, i found the one, this time forever together" and all of a sudden she disappeared. changed her number etc.

but 6 months later, when her world came crashing down, out comes the phone directory and unblock all the ones that might be useful. I just happened to be the one that allowed myself to get hooked in.

part of the reason i believe they do this is because as they get known, when they find a new target they have to invent a whole tailor made persona for them. the last thing they need is to have people who have got to the know them that might threaten their work on the new target.

when i did get into a 'committed' relationship with her, I recall by chance bumping into on of her exs and he wanted to speak me again, the brief conversation we had was that she had broken his heart, and I just sort of consoled him in a way as to think that he was the one who maybe is overly sensitive but really liked her and maybe she didnt feel the same, oh well thats normal in relationships, eat a tub of icecream for a few nights and watch some films and move on.

by chance she was with me when his number came up on my phone and she took the phone out my hand, answered it and said "he doesnt want to talk to you".

it was the first sign of "um, whats going on here" but with the benefit of hindsight, despite her telling me that he was a "nutcase" and always caused trouble for her blah blah, painted black, I realise she was having to control my access to the people out there who knew what she was really like.

They have to reinvent a perfect image that suits whatever personality they have latched on to, and make adjustments from the person maybe you knew. it is chameleon like.

glad you found the cat analogy useful, ive invented plenty of these to help me through. just as im sure youll advance from this too.

[rj47]

'domesticated' cats are actually the borderlines of the animal world.

I'm sorry, yours is a serious situation but I'm chuckling at the analogy. I'll never view cats the same.

My ex has been attempting gentle exploratory forays into my life after a few years telling me she's finally had to grow up, the world is full of ugliness, and I am likely the best man there ever was. I'm not, but I was the best to her and not. I enabled her behavior by not confronting it early. I eventually recoiled in fear and self-loathing because I could not be a better man. The more I tried the worse it got. Spent decades of attempting to rationalize what cannot be.

I was struck by your comment about "was it real"? Of course it was. Was it "lies"? Yes and no. I fully believe they mean what they say and do. But put in the context of how their minds work... .prepare yourself for a wild ride that ultimately leads to confusion, self-doubt and despair as they mean exactly what they say and do while they're doing it. I love my former wife, always will. But its not love based on mutual trust, respect and giving oneself to another without fear. That left me decades before I did her. I want to cheer her on from a distance, hope and pray she finds peace and happiness. Along the way I got very lucky, I found the kind of love with someone that I once dreamed of but was convinced did not exist.

Maybe she's that cat that's been hanging out at the neighbors house, got switched to dry food, passes by occasionally, knows I've gotten another cat that never leaves the yard, sees it eating canned tuna on the patio, sees the "for-sale" sign out in front of the house (bad analogy as cats can't read), knows something is going on and wants back in before the move. The house is empty... .I moved out.

Good luck to you. Take of yourself.

[truthbeknown]

RJ,

"cheering her on from a distance"  does that mean in your head but not in physical reality? ie. you don't exchange happy holidays with her etc?

thanks.

[rj47]

RJ,

"cheering her on from a distance"  does that mean in your head but not in physical reality? ie. you don't exchange happy holidays with her etc?

thanks.

She messaged me a "Happy Easter" this morning. She's in school, putting her life back together, dating. A very attractive woman at her age, she has no issues attracting others. She raged at me for a long time after I left, painted me black to old friends, my children and anyone that might listen, drew me into her chaotic life at times. Still, I wanted to help but it was too much bear after the hurtful things that were done near the end. She's calmed quite a lot the last year, but still scares the daylights out of me. I genuinely care... .30 years is a long time, but the fences I maintain are high and narrow. The subtle gentle overtures may be coming out of simple remorse, longing for what was lost, or her knowledge that I've been in a now relatively lasting long-distance relationship with someone.

I resented her for a long time for all that I had lost but had to let it go and move on to heal. She's a lovely person in a lot of ways. I try never to forget that. I want her to be happy and content and will support her from a healthy distance... .but maintaining clear and firm boundaries.

[once removed]

There could be many reasons your ex reached out. Perhaps missed you, new partner didnt work out, maybe just a friendly gesture.

i want to echo CryWolf here.

people dont tend to offer "happy holidays" in order to play with others. "happy holidays" back doesnt put you in a position to be played with, if it were.

Now back to why I thought i'd want to respond.  I thought if i responded i can finally ask her what her intentions are

this seems like a disproportionate response, at least initially. its a conversation for further down the road, if you choose to go down that road.

But i'm wondering if i will feel better finally telling her how i feel and why i need the boundary of her leaving me alone?

but i think if your goal is for her to leave you alone, then no response is appropriate, and likely to get the message across.

[truthbeknown]

She messaged me a "Happy Easter" this morning. She's in school, putting her life back together, dating. A very attractive woman at her age, she has no issues attracting others. She raged at me for a long time after I left, painted me black to old friends, my children and anyone that might listen, drew me into her chaotic life at times. Still, I wanted to help but it was too much bear after the hurtful things that were done near the end. She's calmed quite a lot the last year, but still scares the daylights out of me. I genuinely care... .30 years is a long time, but the fences I maintain are high and narrow. The subtle gentle overtures may be coming out of simple remorse, longing for what was lost, or her knowledge that I've been in a now relatively lasting long-distance relationship with someone.

I resented her for a long time for all that I had lost but had to let it go and move on to heal. She's a lovely person in a lot of ways. I try never to forget that. I want her to be happy and content and will support her from a healthy distance... .but maintaining clear and firm boundaries.

RJ,
But you didn't block her apparently.  That is what i'm after.  How do i maintain my sanity when she reaches out knowing that she is with the new guy.  Its still fresh for me.  I did message her today asking if she was just reaching out to say happy holidays or if there was something else she wanted to talk with me about or share with me now that some time has gone by.  She answered ,  "you were on my mind and just wanted to wish you a happy holiday and nothing more."  I felt like the old push/pull dynamics were at play.  I haven't answered back or blocked her phone number even though people close to me think that i should.  Here's the obvious- i've spent the last day getting support on a "hello" message.  How crazy is that?  I guess i was totally blind-sided by this.  I really expected her to leave me alone after i unfriended her from fb.   Especially since it was recent.  Maybe she wanted to see if i would validate her existance?  I don't know but here again i feel the one who is left carrying the empty bag of emotions that she projects out.  This is why some have advised me to block her.  But i loved this woman and it hurts to do that to.  I could have not answered but wanted to know if she had something to say to me.  I thought she might but more importantly i wanted to give her one last chance to open up about how things ended.

In a relationship group that i'm in on fb many answered with varying degrees of opinions and experiences and one woman who cheated on an ex wished that her ex would have given her this space that i was trying to give to her.  So again, i go above and beyond and get little in return. 

I don't need to decide about blocking her number right now but someone suggested that i tell her i need time away from any contact so that i can move on from her.  That will just validate her of course so i don't know.   Right now i haven't responeded to her response and may not.  I don't think it matters to say my piece because it just seems to give her "fuel" (which is a book about this).   

okay thanks for your input

[truthbeknown]

i want to echo CryWolf here.

people dont tend to offer "happy holidays" in order to play with others. "happy holidays" back doesnt put you in a position to be played with, if it were.

this seems like a disproportionate response, at least initially. its a conversation for further down the road, if you choose to go down that road.

i hadn't seen this before i responded.  I guess i thought about what i needed and i really wanted to know what her intentions were because i had recently blocked her from facebook.  Does that make sense.  It would be different if i hadn't just gone through some things with her friends posting pics of her and the new boyfriend and such.  It felt more like an attempt to reconnect or establish that she could so that is why i asked.  I agree that "normally" it would not have any meaning other then "happy holidays" but because of the other things that i mentioned it seemed very contrived especially since the last Jewish holiday was 4 weeks ago and i was in her town (and she knew it) and didn't say hi.  See why i think it's games? 

but i think if your goal is for her to leave you alone, then no response is appropriate, and likely to get the message across.

[Cromwell]

RJ,
But you didn't block her apparently.  That is what i'm after.  How do i maintain my sanity when she reaches out knowing that she is with the new guy.  Its still fresh for me.  I did message her today asking if she was just reaching out to say happy holidays or if there was something else she wanted to talk with me about or share with me now that some time has gone by.  She answered ,  "you were on my mind and just wanted to wish you a happy holiday and nothing more."  I felt like the old push/pull dynamics were at play.  I haven't answered back or blocked her phone number even though people close to me think that i should.  Here's the obvious- i've spent the last day getting support on a "hello" message.  How crazy is that?  I guess i was totally blind-sided by this.  I really expected her to leave me alone after i unfriended her from fb.   Especially since it was recent.  Maybe she wanted to see if i would validate her existance?  I don't know but here again i feel the one who is left carrying the empty bag of emotions that she projects out.  This is why some have advised me to block her.  But i loved this woman and it hurts to do that to.  I could have not answered but wanted to know if she had something to say to me.  I thought she might but more importantly i wanted to give her one last chance to open up about how things ended.

In a relationship group that i'm in on fb many answered with varying degrees of opinions and experiences and one woman who cheated on an ex wished that her ex would have given her this space that i was trying to give to her.  So again, i go above and beyond and get little in return.  

I don't need to decide about blocking her number right now but someone suggested that i tell her i need time away from any contact so that i can move on from her.  That will just validate her of course so i don't know.   Right now i haven't responeded to her response and may not.  I don't think it matters to say my piece because it just seems to give her "fuel" (which is a book about this).  

okay thanks for your input

just a word of caution maybe when trying to enlist the help of people who want to help mend relationships. this is not a normal relationship and cant be solved or reach reconciliation with what tends to work normally.

ive been good at handling relationships in the past but what seemed normal to try with my ex was completely the wrong thing I could have tried.

the rule of thumb i discovered 3 years with BPD is that; whatever you do is wrong, and you can never do right to do wrong.

the best you can hope for is of all the options available, hopefully find the least one that leads to igniting the powder keg.

the way these texts are worded are always done in a way of not committing themselves to the chance of being abandoned. I never got a text that said "how are you" except for the times she knew she had very much intentionally hurt me and that was just another way of contributing to it and forcing a reaction.

something like "happy holidays" or even "hope you are well", are throwing a hook out, but never exposing themselves from being seen as actually wanting to commit anything that they cant back track on.

[truthbeknown]

just a word of caution maybe when trying to enlist the help of people who want to help mend relationships. this is not a normal relationship and cant be solved or reach reconciliation with what tends to work normally.

ive been good at handling relationships in the past but what seemed normal to try with my ex was completely the wrong thing I could have tried.

the rule of thumb i discovered 3 years with BPD is that; whatever you do is wrong, and you can never do right to do wrong.

the best you can hope for is of all the options available, hopefully find the least one that leads to igniting the powder keg.

the way these texts are worded are always done in a way of not committing themselves to the chance of being abandoned. I never got a text that said "how are you" except for the times she knew she had very much intentionally hurt me and that was just another way of contributing to it and forcing a reaction.

something like "happy holidays" or even "hope you are well", are throwing a hook out, but never exposing themselves from being seen as actually wanting to commit anything that they cant back track on.

I guess it's the commitment phobic nature of them but so many people in society seem to have this now. I responded yesterday in a way that she may feel "abandoned" ( IDK) but like you said seems like there is nothing that i can do that is "right"  I guess from her perspective.  So I didn't worry about her perspective so much but thought of what would be better for me?  I didn't want to Block her number because that would seem like abandoning although i had unfriended her on fb 4 weeks ago. 

When she responded it was just as you mentioned (from a non-commital position).    That response led me to think of what would be best for me.   I told her that although I appreciated the gesture I was trying to move on with my life just as she had moved on with hers and that I needed to have more time to put space between us.  I explained that it's probably harder for me because i loved her deeply and it was unrequited.  Therefore the space i ask for is so that i might heal and move on just as she has.   I told her that if her or her family ever needed anything i would do my best to be there for them and that perhaps in time we can communicate more easily and on a friend level.   I told her that i missed her family and that i hope they are doing well.  I also had given her the opportunity to talk or open up to me but she declined so this was a form of boundary for me (if she doesn't want to have a conversation then i need more space from her contacting me)   

It such a fascinating thing that yes we on this board knowing that the person has a disorder feels so much empathy still for them.  However, i tried to be heartfelt but i really didn't want to block her and needed to ask her to politely to back off because i'm still raw and i cry for days after she contacts me because i miss her so much.  I have NOT moved on and when i all day yesterday i was almost in a very distant place and not able to interact with my Mom.  I finally had to tell her what happened.  I grew up learning from my dad to protect women at all costs and perhaps that is why i attract or am attracted to the "different" ones?   My mom can't understand because she lacks empathy but she is/was protective of me (she kept recommending that i block her number like most people).  What most people don't understand is that i was actually thrilled and terrified to hear from her.  I went from having sex with this woman to not even being able to give her a hug goodbye!  The thought of that makes me feel so used and dirty like I was "nothing" to her.  Then to have her text me out of the blue but not want to talk is like torture.  That's why i felt i had to say something finally.  I don't even think it's closure so much as I had to say part of "my peace".   She hasn't responded and in some way i hope that she doesn't because the roller coaster ride on this has been more tortorous then the divorce from my ex wife.   

With my exwife although she suffers from the similar/same affliction, i was not attracted to her and we had a sexless life the last few years of our marriage.  She may even be closet lesbian but doens't want to admit it (long story for another time).  But with my recent ex (the one this post is about) she is a very attractive and social woman.  The mask she wears in public is very endearing.  I used to say, "everybody loves her name)".   It's true unless your very close friends with her (she triangulates all of them and it's a revolving door but she always gets them back).   

So i'm kind've numb today.  I don't feel motivated to do anything and i should be.  I have a big test coming up.  People say, "get out there and try to date again."  They don't understand it's like grieving a death of a partner you were in love with.  The only difference is that they are still alive and sleeping with someone new now and pretending to be someone different.  But the PART of them that i met that may have liked/loved me is dead.   So I guess i really don't even know who i was texting to yesterday.

RJ; how long did it take you to find a stable relationship and any tips?  todays dating environment is full of personality disordered people and I have a bad track record now.  I feel flawed and i'm stewing in my own inadequacy of choosing partners.  I tell myself "i'm done" because my heart can't handle another one like this.  I've wasted 2 years of my life again.  I know i'm being negative and feeling sorry for myself.  I fully admit that. 

happy easter to all who celebrate.

[Cromwell]

happy easter.

if you give yourself time to learn and reflect accurately (rather than emotionally) what youve been through, you will be able to spot disordered people a mile away. see it as a byproduct of the "time wasted".

I also have a demanding course im on, and really should study, you will know how difficult it is and there are days where you may just need to really do "nothing".

"nothing" in fact being a way of your body and mind telling you it needs to recuperate from the way it has been driven demented before hand. start reconnecting to your own needs and wants and follow them. there is no hard and fast rule for each of us to have healed, it depends on many factors unique to ourselves and also to how long and what type of relationship we went through.

dont compare and contrast this to a normal relationship, people will give well intentioned advice. remember that they havent been with a borderline, you have.

telling her you want to keep a line of contact with her is your choice as well as offering her support when needed. but what you really have said in the big picture is awakened the biggest fear of a borderline; closure.

the little texts you get are the same as getting the occassional scrap thrown from the masters table to keep you hooked in. but she will be very much guarded now.

be careful that your kindness, manners and chivalry is not being stockpiled to be used as ammunition against you, it is in her interests to have this new saviour see you as the crazy one that wont leave them in peace. mines did this unbeknownst to me at the time.

a triangle or truss is a very strong structure in engineering. but the easiest way to dismantle is knock one side out.

mines stalked me and hounded me when i did this, i no longer got scraps from the table but the honeymoon period started all over again. she just had to be careful that she kept everything in secrecy. I took it as my chance to spend time with her to get my own sense of closure.

 then as she thought the triangle had strengthed itself back, and i felt the rollercoaster start to downward dip again, i dropped her like a ton of bricks.

drop any notion of chivalry when it comes to a borderline, they dont want rescued. they are resourceful (read again resourceful) natural survivors. she survived before you and will after. its your self you need to concentrate on, regardless of how strong and well intentioned you are, none of it means anything to her.

it makes me so angry to see someone that obviously has strong feelings for a person who doesnt give a sh%t about them.

if you want to rescue her, text her to say you highly recommend she sees a specialist therapist. she should already know this herself, and if she hasnt yet tried to help herself, why should you (and others) put up with the callousness of her behaviour. you cant help someone that doesnt want to be helped.

Good luck with your studying.

[truthbeknown]

oh no; i told her that it was best that i didn't communicate with her anymore.  She might have been testing the waters to see.  I told her that i knew that there was another guy in the picture and that i was starting to see someone and thought it was best that we didn't communicate but maybe down the road as we are settled into our new relationships there may be a place for that?  I asked her to let ME go so that she felt like she has the power.  As you said, i'm not worried about her in the least.  With my ex wife, i was afraid she would hurt herself and after the divorce she checked herself in to a psyche ward.  With this on, i know she is very capable of bouncing from guy to guy and expect that she will probably do that for the next ten years.   Maybe i'm wrong, maybe this new guy (who she looked up from high school) is the man of her dreams (but i wondered if so why would she be even reaching out to me?) so it doesn't matter though. 

For me i'm down because i have to rebuld my life right now and not even ready to date or see other women although i have met a woman that is just friends with me now (and i think we both want to keep it that way to be safe). 

[Foursome]

In my opinion I wouldnt reply.  Its only a set up anyway we all know that.

If you do though always do it from a position of strength.  Do it on your terms and have those boundaries set.

She crosses it just a hair let the hammer fall on the block button.

No need to say anything.

Protect yourself.

Happy Easter