He isn't ready for a relationship now, should I wait for him? Help

[blooming]

So yesterday my ex and I (we've been dating again now for about one and a half month) had a really nice day out. We went for a long hike out on the countryside, had a drink somewhere and in the evening had dinner in a restaurant and watched a movie at his place.

I had decided for myself that yesterday was the day that I was going to ask him how he thinks things are going and tell him about the fact that I'm having a hard time that things are so undefined between us. All day I couldn't find the right moment, but when we were laying in bed with the lights out I asked him about it.

Luckily he reacted very calmly and understanding and didn't get angry or annoyed or anything, which was nice. But the answers he gave weren't nice at all. He said that he thought things we're going fine (or good, I don't really remember which of the two he used) at the moment, but that he wasn't ready to label what we had. He said he wasn't ready for the commitment that came with a relationship yet. And that he first wanted to see how things would be in the upcoming weeks, when he'll be a lot busier. He said that his head was still was very full and that was why he didn't really feel the need for a relationship. I asked him a few more questions and his answers pretty much showed me that if it were up to him he'd rather stay in this dating limbo for as long as possible and that being in a relationship with me again wasn't really his goals.

This hurts. You want the person you're dating to really like you and to want to be around you and to not have this many doubts about whether or not he wants to be with you. It makes me extremely insecure. He said he understood that I was feeling that way (I didn't use the word insecure though, because it's a bit of a  for him).

I just don't know to what extent I should go along with his needs. Should I stay in this limbo for longer just because I don't want him out of my life and I love being around him? Or should I protect myself from hurting even more, because the chances that this will actually turn into a relationship again seem to be very slim. I want a relationship, I don't want this weird in-between thing. So should I be strong and say to him "if you don't want a relationship than there won't be anything at all"? Or should I wait and see what happens? I don't know if I'm strong enough to do either of those things. Please help!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[pearlsw]

Hi blooming,

This is very painful stuff! My first thought is to remember this could be happening with any guy - not just one with BPD. It is certainly hard when one person is ready for commitment and the other is not. I can relate to how you feel... .After a month and half of good times, and with a past history, it is understandable that you are ready for some definition of things: where is this going?

I guess the question becomes how much longer can you be in his limbo state?

What is he about to be busy with?

with compassion, pearl.

[blooming]

Hi blooming,

This is very painful stuff! My first thought is to remember this could be happening with any guy - not just one with BPD. It is certainly hard when one person is ready for commitment and the other is not. I can relate to how you feel... .After a month and half of good times, and with a past history, it is understandable that you are ready for some definition of things: where is this going?

I guess the question becomes how much longer can you be in his limbo state?

What is he about to be busy with?

with compassion, pearl.

True, this isn't a BPD thing necessarily. But he is my BPD guy and I talk about my relationship with him here and this is something I'm really struggling with now, so I hope it isn't a problem.

I talked about it with my parents and friends and they all say that I should cut it off. It seems like he doesn't want a relationship and won't want one in the (near) future. Not with me anyway. It really seems like he is using me, because he can't be alone (he has a history of doing these kind of things too). Everything is going according to his rules and he doesn't want to listen to my needs. He doesn't want more commitent so there won't be any. I don't hink I should go along with this. I think if I stay longer that it will only hurt more in the end. Because he'll probably just find someone new at some point and dump me because he doesn't need my company and affection anymore. He really hasn't said anything about wanting to be with me or something. Staying with him is really bad for my confidence. It hurts so much giving everything to someone who doesn't want to give in return and who is just enjoying the attention, it seems.

I don't know if I'm strong enough to actually let him go though. I just love him so much and I love being around him and spending time with him and laying in his arms. At the moment things are going pretty well between us and it just feels weird to throw that away.

But I really think that if I tell him that if he doesn't want a relationship (in the near future) that we are through, that he will just shrug his shoulders and say fine. I really think he doesn't care. I'm so scared about having that conversation. I'm so scared of cutting him off. I really really really don't know what to do and what the right decision is.

He is going to be busy with uni by the way, he has exams coming up and he's starting a new internship next week.

[juju2]

Hi bloom

What I read is you guys are spending quality time together
  Actions speak.

I can get myself all worked up around words.

(What is our r/s? )  that is a pressure question; anything regarding us, me and you  the future, whst has me puttinv pressure on.  What is up w me.?

I am just going with:  how does it feel to me to be w him.

No one else except me is going to describe my reality, does that make sense?

From what am learning about pwBPD, their feelings=facts.  Knowing that, I can relax a bit.

I can do a lot of excellent self care.  The better place i am in, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically, the bigger the space I can allow for my people. 

I don't need them to say or do anything... .

I can love them for who they authentically are.

It's a wonderful place for me to be.  It requires me to be at the top of my game, which often I fall short... .

They fall short... .we all do.

Patience and gentleness,

juju

[blooming]

Hi bloom

What I read is you guys are spending quality time together
  Actions speak.

I can get myself all worked up around words.

(What is our r/s? )  that is a pressure question; anything regarding us, me and you  the future, whst has me puttinv pressure on.  What is up w me.?

I am just going with:  how does it feel to me to be w him.

No one else except me is going to describe my reality, does that make sense?

From what am learning about pwBPD, their feelings=facts.  Knowing that, I can relax a bit.

I can do a lot of excellent self care.  The better place i am in, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically, the bigger the space I can allow for my people. 

I don't need them to say or do anything... .

I can love them for who they authentically are.

It's a wonderful place for me to be.  It requires me to be at the top of my game, which often I fall short... .

They fall short... .we all do.

Patience and gentleness,

juju

Hi Juju! As always, I love your mentality and the way you are living life. I really wish I could be this relaxed in the situation I'm in, but unfortunately I don't think I can.

It just hurts too much knowing that a relationship with me is not something he's thinking about. He doesn't like me in that way anymore, I think. I'm just a filler now, someone to fill the holes because he doesn't want to be alone. Why would I put so much energy in someone that doesn't want to be with me?

[CryWolf]

His actions show he wants you in his life. He gave you a key to his place remember? I know its hard to find a common ground and see where you stand in the relationship. Once second you feel out of this world, then the next you feel like a brown spotted banana that nobody wants to eat.  It seems like words of "commitment" scare him. Its normal for people to fear putting a title on things, because those titles can be stripped at any moment. And BPD have a fear of abandoment as well. A lot of people believe that once you put a title on something, the dynamics change and the relationship changes. Perhaps, he's scared that once you guys become "official" it would change and he loves what is going on atm.

My expwBPD and I, never made our relationship official. I asked her out a few times and she said no. I was hurt, but her actions were showing me she was my girlfriend. we were monogomous. she would get jealous if i even sat with another girl, and say things like "i know we arent together so you can do what you want but please tell me if u find a new girl so i can move on". She was afraid of titles because it could be stripped any moment. Without a title meant less pressure for her. Also meant she couldn't keep "ending the relationship" every time we argued. I knew what we were even though we didnt have the title. She would take jabs saying "its not like we are in a relationship anyway" when she wanted to make me feel less. Now since we are broken up, she has been calling me her ex boyfriend on her social media when she barely called me her boyfriend during the relationship.

Hope this brings some aid to your situation.

[pearlsw]

Sorry if my reply was confusing! Of course you can talk about your BPD partner here - that’s exactly what this place is for! Not a problem!  I just mean anyone can have commitment issues. 

I would just suggest if his lack of commitment is this upsetting for you now, imagine it in the next months and year for you.  If you are sure this would be his reaction to you: “he will just shrug his shoulders and say fine” then he’s honestly no one to be that exited over/attached to in my opinion. But what you’ve written is focused on you and your needs. He’s not meeting them. Why can’t you let him go? 

[juju2]

Hi bloom

I agree w crywolf.  There is something about commitment w pwBPD.

I am not asking you anything you can't do.

Get real with the fact that your bf has a serious mental illness.  My s.o. is on disability because of BPD.

I wish I had factored the s.m.i. in to our relationship. Only now, 10 yrs later, am I learning about BPD.  He is so high functioning... .

It's about me being mindful.  It's all good.  Enjoy the good.  Take what you like, leave the rest!

I go to al anon.  I am codependent.  

You are beautiful, loving, kind.  Find out what has me needing this person I love to say x,y,z, in order for me to feel good... .?

I can call I trusted friend and vent, ask them to listen.

Bloom.  Here is the main thing for you to get:

My job(your job)  is to Bring myself, happy, whole, complete, to all my relationships!

When I notice my attitude sucks whenever I am w my s.o., it's a Key For Me, my work needs to begin on me.  What has my attitude to be sucky?

It's ok, you are doing great.

All of this is just my opinion.  You can agree, disagree, anything in between.

Am just sharing my truth.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

With fondness,
juju

[blooming]

His actions show he wants you in his life. He gave you a key to his place remember? I know its hard to find a common ground and see where you stand in the relationship. Once second you feel out of this world, then the next you feel like a brown spotted banana that nobody wants to eat.  It seems like words of "commitment" scare him. Its normal for people to fear putting a title on things, because those titles can be stripped at any moment. And BPD have a fear of abandoment as well. A lot of people believe that once you put a title on something, the dynamics change and the relationship changes. Perhaps, he's scared that once you guys become "official" it would change and he loves what is going on atm.

My expwBPD and I, never made our relationship official. I asked her out a few times and she said no. I was hurt, but her actions were showing me she was my girlfriend. we were monogomous. she would get jealous if i even sat with another girl, and say things like "i know we arent together so you can do what you want but please tell me if u find a new girl so i can move on". She was afraid of titles because it could be stripped any moment. Without a title meant less pressure for her. Also meant she couldn't keep "ending the relationship" every time we argued. I knew what we were even though we didnt have the title. She would take jabs saying "its not like we are in a relationship anyway" when she wanted to make me feel less. Now since we are broken up, she has been calling me her ex boyfriend on her social media when she barely called me her boyfriend during the relationship.

Hope this brings some aid to your situation.

But commitment didn't use to scare him, that's what confuses me. When we got together the first time he was very quick with wanting to make our relationship official and letting him meet his family. So it's not like he's not able to do that. It's just that he for some reason has decided not to right now. I am just so scared that he's using me, only to discard me as soon as he has found someone better.

[juju2]

Bloom.

You are great.

Listen, something in me has me get into--
why is he doing This.? He used to do That.

What I forget, is, it's ME noticing this stuff.

No one else.  Whatever I Focus On, Enlarges... .

When I find out that i have control over my thought and actions.

My attitude determines my reality.

My good friend, my trusted friend, who knows my story, sometimes I have to ask her what is going on w me and my s.o.

I am too close, my attitude is too invested, I am radar on steroids, looking at him and his actions!

If i can relax, be my self, turn off my radar.

Breathe in and out.

let my life unfold.

Anytime is say "yes, but... ."

That's my ego messing me up.

Relax.  Live.  Love.

[blooming]

He hasn't messaged me all day. He clearly doesn't give me any priority. I have decided that the next time I'll see him  I will tell him that I can't go on like this. I really feel like he is using me, being purely opportunistic and thinking only of himself and his own needs. I really think that as soon as he'll find someone he likes more he'll dump me. I am not okay with that. I need to put myself first now. Being with someone who isn't sure if he likes me enough and who wants to keep his options open is not good for me. It's bringing me down. He makes me feel so insecure and worthless with the way he is currently treating me. And I don't think that's the way that someone you're dating with should make you feel.

It's still so difficult to let him go though. I just love him so much still. The idea of cutting him off is extremely painful to me.

[CryWolf]

I feel your pain Blooming. No one wants to be an option or second best. I have been in your position. I am currently working on telling myself im "first best" and radiating out that energy. My ex wanted to be "just friends" and i said no. It hurt me but i had to enforce my boundary of relationship or nothing. this hurt her ego, and ive been hurting for 4 months now missing her wondering if she'll come back.

No matter the decision, follow your heart.
"The strongest negotiation position, is being able to walk away and mean it"

[juju2]

Hey

I get it.

Why can't you play cool.

No one is going to act the way I want.

Me accepting them, exactly the way they ARE,

That is my job.


Whatever you decide, I support you.


My point, do not cut your options.


Did you read the four agreements?


W love,

juju

[blooming]

Hey

I get it.

Why can't you play cool.

No one is going to act the way I want.

Me accepting them, exactly the way they ARE,

That is my job.


Whatever you decide, I support you.


My point, do not cut your options.


Did you read the four agreements?


W love,

juju

No, I didn't actually! What are they?

[juju2]

It's a valuable book



Go get that book,  read it, and we will talk again, my friend!

[blooming]

I feel your pain Blooming. No one wants to be an option or second best. I have been in your position. I am currently working on telling myself im "first best" and radiating out that energy. My ex wanted to be "just friends" and i said no. It hurt me but i had to enforce my boundary of relationship or nothing. this hurt her ego, and ive been hurting for 4 months now missing her wondering if she'll come back.

No matter the decision, follow your heart.
"The strongest negotiation position, is being able to walk away and mean it"

Yes I think I need to enforce that boundary too, but I'm already hurting just thinking about it. I just don't understand why his feelings towards me have changed so much.

[madonnafan]

So much of your post reminds me of earlier times with my pwBPD traits. We would spend time together, get what I thought was close, I'd pluck up the courage to ask what were we... .and he'd either run a mile, or give a non-committal reply that made me feel as if I was just someone he was passing time with until someone better came along, and we'd break contact. It went on for years. We finally got together seriously only after I suddenly needed surgery and I happened to be staying with him for a few weeks at the time as I was moving house. I honestly think if something dramatic hadn't happened we'd still be in that cycle.
Only you know if he's worth waiting for. You family and friends will probably think he isn't because they want what they think is best for you and they don't want to see you hurt. But if when you're together he feels like the right fit for you, and you are aware of how he is and feel you can live around that and be happy- then you have to accept that's it's going to be hard work and it'll take time. My pwBPD traits once ended everything by text and cut me out of his life for a whole year, only to get back in touch as if nothing had happened and offered no explanation. Sometimes I think he did it to protect himself from getting too close, other times to protect me (he is very aware of how his behavior affects others). Neither of us were aware of his BPD diagnosis then, he was only diagnosed with anxiety and depression at that time.
Think carefully about your future and the life you want. Would you like kids, would he be able to support you emotionally when life throws you or is it always going to be all about him and his needs? You might not mind that too much now, but in years to come, especially if you had a family, it can be draining and soul destroying to realise that you can't always rely on your SO when you need to. And they can't help it, it's the way that they are, and you know going in so you can't expect otherwise. And if you have kids it's hard-working you can't just walk out if they're treating you badly, there are small people who are watching and listening who need you both. You can only hope your SO try their best to be there for you and your family. Do you really think he's worth it? If you do, then enjoy the good times you spend together and hope he'll commit. Or do you deserve more than he can give? Yes walking away hurts, but it might hurt a lot more and for a lot longer if you keep seeing him. You might just be getting over him and he'll reappear in your life- will you be strong enough to not get sucked back in? I'm married many years now and I'm currently worn out and exhausted, despite knowing I mean the world to him. But I'm willing to keep at it, learn tools from here and persevere. Will you feel like that in 10/15 years time? Think long and hard about what life you want, and I wish you love, strength and luck.

[blooming]

So much of your post reminds me of earlier times with my pwBPD traits. We would spend time together, get what I thought was close, I'd pluck up the courage to ask what were we... .and he'd either run a mile, or give a non-committal reply that made me feel as if I was just someone he was passing time with until someone better came along, and we'd break contact. It went on for years. We finally got together seriously only after I suddenly needed surgery and I happened to be staying with him for a few weeks at the time as I was moving house. I honestly think if something dramatic hadn't happened we'd still be in that cycle.
Only you know if he's worth waiting for. You family and friends will probably think he isn't because they want what they think is best for you and they don't want to see you hurt. But if when you're together he feels like the right fit for you, and you are aware of how he is and feel you can live around that and be happy- then you have to accept that's it's going to be hard work and it'll take time. My pwBPD traits once ended everything by text and cut me out of his life for a whole year, only to get back in touch as if nothing had happened and offered no explanation. Sometimes I think he did it to protect himself from getting too close, other times to protect me (he is very aware of how his behavior affects others). Neither of us were aware of his BPD diagnosis then, he was only diagnosed with anxiety and depression at that time.
Think carefully about your future and the life you want. Would you like kids, would he be able to support you emotionally when life throws you or is it always going to be all about him and his needs? You might not mind that too much now, but in years to come, especially if you had a family, it can be draining and soul destroying to realise that you can't always rely on your SO when you need to. And they can't help it, it's the way that they are, and you know going in so you can't expect otherwise. And if you have kids it's hard-working you can't just walk out if they're treating you badly, there are small people who are watching and listening who need you both. You can only hope your SO try their best to be there for you and your family. Do you really think he's worth it? If you do, then enjoy the good times you spend together and hope he'll commit. Or do you deserve more than he can give? Yes walking away hurts, but it might hurt a lot more and for a lot longer if you keep seeing him. You might just be getting over him and he'll reappear in your life- will you be strong enough to not get sucked back in? I'm married many years now and I'm currently worn out and exhausted, despite knowing I mean the world to him. But I'm willing to keep at it, learn tools from here and persevere. Will you feel like that in 10/15 years time? Think long and hard about what life you want, and I wish you love, strength and luck.

Thank you for your reply Madonnafan! Your story sounds very similar to my current situation. The difference is though, that he has committed himself to me for about a year already. We ended that relationship at the end of october last year. In the time in between we have tried again 2 times for a very short time (about 2 weeks) and now one time for a longer time (for already one and a half months or something).

I think tonight (when I'll probably see him again) I will tell him how I'm feeling. I will say that I'm having a lot of doubts about whether we need to continue with this or not, because we want such different things. I will say that he makes me feel like he doesn't really like me and that I'm just a filler to prevent him from being alone and that I'll be dumped as soon as someone better comes along. And if that's the case, than what the heck are we doing? I will say that if he just wants to casually date someone, that I'm not the right girl for that, because of our history together. I just can't look at him casually. I will say that I don't really understand why he's so scared of committing himself to me? Is he scared that I'll just throw all my problems at him or demand to see eachother at least 4 times a week? Because that won't be the case. I just need this commitment to make sure that he likes me enough and that I can trust him. Because how can I learn to trust him again if he wants to stay in this vague situation? To me that's all red flags that he's looking for someone better. And the step to a relationship doesn't have to happen now-now, but he has pretty much said that he doesn't want a relationship with me ever. And if that's the case, then it just needs to end. I won't keep waiting for him and waiting on him like I'm some kind of lap-dog, while he gives nothing in return. I just need to understand his intentions.

So when I've said those things, we'll see how he reacts and what he does. I think it'll be over after I have said that, because I think I'm really right about him not liking me enough anymore and me just being someone to fill the void while he is lonely. It's going to be extremely hard, because I love being around him and if it were up to me things would have gone a lot differently, but I really need to protect myself now.

[isilme]

Hi blooming,

Whatever the outcome, we're here to "listen".  I think you are building up a lot of strength and the ability to determine what you need in life.  Even if this guy is not in a place to appreciate all you can offer know that you are a worthwhile person who deserves to feel good in your relationships with others.

[blooming]

Hi blooming,

Whatever the outcome, we're here to "listen".  I think you are building up a lot of strength and the ability to determine what you need in life.  Even if this guy is not in a place to appreciate all you can offer know that you are a worthwhile person who deserves to feel good in your relationships with others.

Hi isilme,

Thank you so much, that's very sweet of you! Making this decision is extremely hard, but I try to be strong and convince myself that I deserve more than this. This is quite difficult for me since I have very low self esteem.

Unfortunately my ex was ill yesterday, so I didn't think that would be the right time to have the conversation with him. I did visit him to bring him some dinner, since he wasn't really able to leave his bed. He appreciated the gesture I think, thanked me and said that was sweet of me and hugged and kissed me. It felt different to me though, kind of hollow? I just don't understand how he can kiss me and things like that if he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, that he's fine with this playing pretend and that he thinks I'm fine with it too.

I will see him on wednesday, so I'll bring it up with him then. Part of me still hopes that he'll convince me to stay with him and that he'll say that he does really like me and wants to be with me. But I don't think he will.

[juju2]

Blooming

You are in a hard place.

Really no one can tell you what to do.

For me, I have to go w actions... .if I journal, that helps me see what actions, how i was feeling,how did that date go?  Some things I write on the calendar, like, he called at 8:15pm.

That does not necessarily mean inaction, like, he didn't do X, that must mean Y.

From reading your posts, I looks to me like you are not managing your emotions.

Do you have the book loving someone w BPD?

She talks about managing your emotions.

juju

[blooming]

Blooming

You are in a hard place.

Really no one can tell you what to do.

For me, I have to go w actions... .if I journal, that helps me see what actions, how i was feeling,how did that date go?  Some things I write on the calendar, like, he called at 8:15pm.

That does not necessarily mean inaction, like, he didn't do X, that must mean Y.

From reading your posts, I looks to me like you are not managing your emotions.

Do you have the book loving someone w BPD?

She talks about managing your emotions.

juju

No I don't have any books on BPD!

And you are maybe right, but I just don't see how it's worthwile to be with someone who doesn't want anything more from me than just casual dating and who's just using me because he doesn't want to be alone. So I need to know if that's the case or not. If it's not, things will be different.

[Jessica84]

The push-pull is an unfortunate part of BPD. This is how they regulate themselves. It can really knock you off balance... .so try to find your center. The lovey-dovey stuff is great... .until they rip it away! In the center, you don't need it as much. You take the hand-holding when offered, you don't worry about its meaning too much when it isn't. I can see this is eating at you... .the not knowing is unbearable. When I pushed for answers, his words and explanations only made me feel worse. I had to stop putting so much importance on how he feels about me. It changed so frequently anyway. Confusing times.

With a healthy man, this may be normal commitment-phobia stuff. With BPD, it's likely fears of engulfment and abandonment. I was so sure at one time that my guy could go on his merry way like I never mattered. But I was wrong. It wasn't about me at all. It was his poor coping skills, mixed up mind and emotions. What I saw as selfish and cruel behavior was actually his self-preservation. Better to keep me at bay than let me in too close... .but that changed over time.

I know you are hurting and want things defined. I'm afraid the more he says, the more confused you will be. Feeling stuck in limbo can lead to drastic measures. Don't jump off that cliff just yet. Slow your thoughts, calm your feelings. You have choices... .you can cut off contact, go thru the pain, heal, come out the other side (without him). OR you can enjoy being with him without knowing what will happen, commit to the work ahead and see where it goes (with him) ... .this requires some inner healing, patience, understanding, practicing the tools. It's up to you. 

[blooming]

The push-pull is an unfortunate part of BPD. This is how they regulate themselves. It can really knock you off balance... .so try to find your center. The lovey-dovey stuff is great... .until they rip it away! In the center, you don't need it as much. You take the hand-holding when offered, you don't worry about its meaning too much when it isn't. I can see this is eating at you... .the not knowing is unbearable. When I pushed for answers, his words and explanations only made me feel worse. I had to stop putting so much importance on how he feels about me. It changed so frequently anyway. Confusing times.

With a healthy man, this may be normal commitment-phobia stuff. With BPD, it's likely fears of engulfment and abandonment. I was so sure at one time that my guy could go on his merry way like I never mattered. But I was wrong. It wasn't about me at all. It was his poor coping skills, mixed up mind and emotions. What I saw as selfish and cruel behavior was actually his self-preservation. Better to keep me at bay than let me in too close... .but that changed over time.

I know you are hurting and want things defined. I'm afraid the more he says, the more confused you will be. Feeling stuck in limbo can lead to drastic measures. Don't jump off that cliff just yet. Slow your thoughts, calm your feelings. You have choices... .you can cut off contact, go thru the pain, heal, come out the other side (without him). OR you can enjoy being with him without knowing what will happen, commit to the work ahead and see where it goes (with him) ... .this requires some inner healing, patience, understanding, practicing the tools. It's up to you. 

He has a history of cheating though and I really don't want him to do that. And currently he's putting in so little effort it's ridiculous. He doesn't message me all day, never initiates contact anymore. I need a little more than that. He used to be able to do it just fine, when we were in a relationship. So where did all of that go? It just seems like he doesn't care about me as much anymore. And if he doesn't care, then I'm bound to get hurt.

[juju2]

You saw him march 31, and Apr 1 (?)
If i am reading your timeline correctly.


Worst case, if it was me, I would back up.  Do whatever non actions he is doing.

Instead of getting frustrated, making things mean x,y,z.  I am in my head. Nothing good comes out of me being in my head.

Don't talk yourself in to anything, I say that because you care about him, he is honest w you about what he wants now... .communication is good.

Find 5 things you enjoy about him, write those down in your journal.

1.  He isn't clingy.

You do the rest!

Keep adding 5 a day, read them every day.

You just need a community who has experience, whom you believe in.  We are here for you.!

The other thing is, when my life revolves around pwBPD, it adds pressure to the r/s. Energetically, it adds negative energy, you know?
And I don't feel good about myself when I obsess about him.

Maybe you could volunteer somewhere once a week, it makes me feel so good doing that... .
A homeless shelter, somewhere where I can see others and feel compassion, and share a different way of life.  Or take clothes you no longer wear to a women's shelter.  Offer something that would only take an hour even.  Giving of my time, it does something to me, I am not the same.

And if nothing else works, pause.

Nothing that you have shared needs to be decided today. Or tomorrow.

You could actually pick a random date in May, may 18, write on that day, am I ready to make a decision?  Do I need to? 

Do you have a calendar.  Get one.

If you want to.

with caring,

juju

[Jessica84]

He has a history of cheating though and I really don't want him to do that. And currently he's putting in so little effort it's ridiculous. He doesn't message me all day, never initiates contact anymore. I need a little more than that. He used to be able to do it just fine, when we were in a relationship. So where did all of that go? It just seems like he doesn't care about me as much anymore. And if he doesn't care, then I'm bound to get hurt.

Ahhh... .can you elaborate on this history? Has he cheated on you, or on his exes in the past? are you worried that if he started seeing someone else, technically he isn't cheating since you aren't "together"? That makes sense. This would bother me, too. You may want a boundary of no physical contact, until you are sure?

[blooming]

Ahhh... .can you elaborate on this history? Has he cheated on you, or on his exes in the past? are you worried that if he started seeing someone else, technically he isn't cheating since you aren't "together"? That makes sense. This would bother me, too. You may want a boundary of no physical contact, until you are sure?

He has cheated on two out of three of his exes, maybe more, but that's all I know of. He even cheated on one of his exes (which was then his gf) with another one of his exes, for over half a year. He hasn't cheated on me (as far as I know). He would kind of be cheating since we agreed on dating exclusively, right?

[blooming]

You saw him march 31, and Apr 1 (?)
If i am reading your timeline correctly.


Worst case, if it was me, I would back up.  Do whatever non actions he is doing.

Instead of getting frustrated, making things mean x,y,z.  I am in my head. Nothing good comes out of me being in my head.

Don't talk yourself in to anything, I say that because you care about him, he is honest w you about what he wants now... .communication is good.

Find 5 things you enjoy about him, write those down in your journal.

1.  He isn't clingy.

You do the rest!

Keep adding 5 a day, read them every day.

You just need a community who has experience, whom you believe in.  We are here for you.!

The other thing is, when my life revolves around pwBPD, it adds pressure to the r/s. Energetically, it adds negative energy, you know?
And I don't feel good about myself when I obsess about him.

Maybe you could volunteer somewhere once a week, it makes me feel so good doing that... .
A homeless shelter, somewhere where I can see others and feel compassion, and share a different way of life.  Or take clothes you no longer wear to a women's shelter.  Offer something that would only take an hour even.  Giving of my time, it does something to me, I am not the same.

And if nothing else works, pause.

Nothing that you have shared needs to be decided today. Or tomorrow.

You could actually pick a random date in May, may 18, write on that day, am I ready to make a decision?  Do I need to? 

Do you have a calendar.  Get one.

If you want to.

with caring,

juju

Timeline is almost correct, I saw him March 30 the whole day and then March 31 only in the morning when we woke up. I also saw him for about an hour April 2 to bring him dinner when he was ill.

What do you mean, you would back up? You mean not message him as long as he doesn't message me?

And it is true that he has been honest with me about what he wants, but that means he has kind of said that what he wants isn't me. So if that's the case, why would I stay with him?

I already do quite a lot besides my uBPD ex! I study, I volunteer at the local music venue, I exercise regularly, I am a member of a rowing association, I work at an ice cream parlour, I joined a few committees... .But despite all of these things he is still on my mind pretty much all of the time. I'm checking my phone all day, hoping he sent a message already and being disappointed when he hasn't.

[CryWolf]

Hey Blooming 

It sounds like you have a lot going on outside your life with your pwBPD! I am the same, I have a lot of hobbies, however my partner/ex is always on my mind. When he pops up in your mind, ask yourself "oh there he is again, why am i thinking about him?" "oh i must miss him" etc
accept it and then try to get back into ur activities

At this moment, I think you may want to back away from your partner and give some space so he can miss you. make him realize he is what you want. it shows he does care about and loves you. And inconsistency sucks, but sadly it comes with BPD.

[blooming]

Hey Blooming 

It sounds like you have a lot going on outside your life with your pwBPD! I am the same, I have a lot of hobbies, however my partner/ex is always on my mind. When he pops up in your mind, ask yourself "oh there he is again, why am i thinking about him?" "oh i must miss him" etc
accept it and then try to get back into ur activities

At this moment, I think you may want to back away from your partner and give some space so he can miss you. make him realize he is what you want. it shows he does care about and loves you. And inconsistency sucks, but sadly it comes with BPD.

How would you advice to back away from him? How should I bring that to him?

I have decided that maybe I don't want to cut him off completely, beause it just feels a bit too radical. This is against the advice of all of my friends and family though, so I'm not really sure if it's the right thing.

I do need to know whether he likes me enough for a relationship or not though. If I'm really just someone to pass the time with until he finds someone he likes more and dumps me, then that's just not a place I want to be in. Then it just needs to end.

But if he says that he does like me, but that he isn't sure if he wants to be in a relationship now because he's so busy, than maybe that would be different. We could talk about what scares him about a relationship and I could maybe help him with that. He says he doesn't want the commitment, but I'm curious to hear what kind of commitment that is, beause if we're exclusive already then that wouldn't really change.