New here, am suffering still at 55 yrs old due to BPD parent, greatly affecting

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm new here, and can't believe how my mother with BPD is still affecting my life after all these years. She is trying, and mostly succeeding, at preventing me from being with my only Grandson. Can't she see how detrimental this is for him? I only have one Son and one Grandson. I'm  almost to the point where I feel like giving up and letting her win, it causes so much stress for everyone involved. I'm tired of dealing with the drama and worrying about how she manipulates me and others, and constantly judges and belittles me. I keep falling for her traps and sometimes am not able to figure out exactly what she's doing until it's too late, tired of feeling guilty for trying to figure out what she's up to, or what her goal is, then feeling stupid for not seeing it sooner. I don't know how to explain it to other family members.

[peachtree487]

I'm new here, and can't believe how my mother with BPD is still affecting my life after all these years. She is trying, and mostly succeeding, at preventing me from being with my only Grandson. Can't she see how detrimental this is for him? I only have one Son and one Grandson. I'm  almost to the point where I feel like giving up and letting her win, it causes so much stress for everyone involved. I'm tired of dealing with the drama and worrying about how she manipulates me and others, and constantly judges and belittles me. I keep falling for her traps and sometimes am not able to figure out exactly what she's doing until it's too late, tired of feeling guilty for trying to figure out what she's up to, or what her goal is, then feeling stupid for not seeing it sooner. I don't know how to explain it to other family members.

[Kwamina]

Hi peachtree487 and welcome to our online community

You've been dealing with this for many years and I can understand how this then really can take its toll on you. I am glad you've decided to join this community as many of our members can relate to how challenging it can be dealing with a BPD parent.

She is trying, and mostly succeeding, at preventing me from being with my only Grandson.

Could you perhaps tell us a little bit more about this? What is your mother doing exactly to prevent you from being with your grandson?

You mention your son too, how would you describe your reltionship with him?

Take care and I hope to read more of your story later

The Board Parrot

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome peachtree487, 

I'm happy to join Kwamina in saying I'm glad you've joined us. 

I'm only a year younger than you and also still dealing with the effects of my uBPDm upon me even though she has passed away. It's so hard. I too am looking forward to hearing some more about your situation. Do you live close by your mom, son, grandson?

T (therapy) has been very helpful for me as well as this site. Are there any positive outlets you have to support you besides here?

I keep falling for her traps and sometimes am not able to figure out exactly what she's doing until it's too late, tired of feeling guilty for trying to figure out what she's up to, or what her goal is, then feeling stupid for not seeing it sooner. I don't know how to explain it to other family members

This is such a familiar place for so many of us who have grown up in a home with a pwBPD. You are not alone! There's a great book that has helped me a lot. The validation the words have brought show me that I'm not crazy and that I can trust myself and my feelings. It is incredible. It's a step by step process but you are capable of getting there, and I can tell you want to learn. 

Here's the book link:

Surviving a Borderline Parent

Looking forward to reading more of your posts!
 
Wools

[pbnjsandwich]

I'm new here, and can't believe how my mother with BPD is still affecting my life after all these years. She is trying, and mostly succeeding, at preventing me from being with my only Grandson. Can't she see how detrimental this is for him? I only have one Son and one Grandson. I'm  almost to the point where I feel like giving up and letting her win, it causes so much stress for everyone involved. I'm tired of dealing with the drama and worrying about how she manipulates me and others, and constantly judges and belittles me. I keep falling for her traps and sometimes am not able to figure out exactly what she's doing until it's too late, tired of feeling guilty for trying to figure out what she's up to, or what her goal is, then feeling stupid for not seeing it sooner. I don't know how to explain it to other family members.

I'm your age.  My BPD father passed away. Setting boundaries and having your own set of priorities will empower you. They won't like it, but it's not your job to get her to like your boundaries. You set them and then give yourself a nice little hug for being honest with you.

[Because]

I m so sorry to have to ask for more information like the above posts it can feel difficult to be understood. When you have suffered so long under the tyranny of another. And writing about a complex situation can be difficult especially when this is something that has gone on for so long I’m sure you have so much to say.

[Turkish]

If I understand correctly,  your mother has stepped in to engage in alienation of your son and his son (at least contact wise) against you? Was there an event which precipitated this,  or did it slowly happen to where your son decided to make grandma his mom? What is your son's story about this?

[peachtree487]

I'm  sorry I haven't got back to all your replies until now, I am havng a really hard time talking about whats going on because it's very hurtful and heartbreaking. I will come back soon to explain more detail, but after reading all your replies, I can see that you all have a good understanding of what's going on - i need to figure out if I can reply to replies,  as I do not see anything to click to do so. I am grateful to have this forum.

[peachtree487]

Could you perhaps tell us a little bit more about this? What is your mother doing exactly to prevent you from being with your grandson?

You mention your son too, how would you describe your reltionship with him?

The Board Parrot

I've been away from my home state for a little over a year, only was able to come back to visit once. While I was away, my son communicated with me as much as possible, he works a lot, and would do video chats with me so I could see & talk to my toddler Grandson, then he stopped calling, texting, emailing. I thought he was just extra busy, but became worried that my mother was telling him lies, exaggerations, or things that she made up in her mind about me, as she's done in the past with other family members. (My son knows how she is, but does not want to or take the time to understand her mental problems). He does not like to deal with the drama, and years ago, he moved far away but still in same state to get away from the drama that my mom causes - my previous Therapist said that 'the healthy ones usually move away'. He only stayed near my mom and us for about a year, but transferred back to where he waz, 3hrs away, due to his job at the same company, but I'm wondering if part of the decision was to not live so close to my mom. (My hubby & I have been moving back & forth for the last r years due to work, but I usually, not this past year, but usually visit our home state qhite a bit. Currently, we are back near my mom, and about 3 hrs away from my son, and plan to stay in this state for a few years.

I had good reason to be concerned that my mom had something to do with him not communicating with me for many reasons, like 1.5 years ago, when my son, his wife, and toddler moved back to the same city where we all lived, she got jealous & mad the very first time I spent time with my DIL and Grandson and caused a big blowout, and caused my husband & I a ton of trouble, and she did this seconds after she found out that my DIL asked me to babysit (when my mom had been babysitting), and she prevented me from babysitting when my DIL really needed me to, as she had a migraine and a 1 year old to take care of.

So back to what she has been doing to prevent me from seeing my Grandson:  I found out she had been talking badly about me, just like I thought she might have. My hubby & I had just moved back to our home state, and a couple weeks before we left, I still couldnt get ahold of my son - I was afraid to call, because in the past, my son was very sensitive about anyone calling while he was at work or when his son might be sleeping. So I emailed and texted a few times on different days. No reply. Finally, after we left on our way to move back to our home state where my son and mom lives, but far away from each other, I really wanted to get in touch with my son because I was looking forward to seeing him, his wife, & my grandson, plus. Easter was coming up.

So instead of trying to call my son, I called his wife and asked her if he still had the same phone# and email address - she was surprised that he did not return my calls, and said that he usually tells her when he has talked with me, or communicated with me. I told her I wanted to let them know that we were going to be back in the state, and I wanted to make plans for us all to visit. Thats when I felt like someone had dropped a bomb on me - she asked me, Didn't your mother tell you we will be visiting her and other relatives this Sunday for Easter? I was shocked that my mom had not mentioned it, because she knows how much I miss them and want to see my Grandson - and on top of that, my mom asked us to stay with her during that time (instead of going to hotel), and knew our exact plans, and did not even tell me that they had plans to visit her!  She knows how hard it's been for me to have been 2000 miles away from my Grandson & son.

When I spoke with my mom afterwards, i did not mention my phone call, did not tell her I knew. She asked me again if we were going to stay with her, and I told her that I appreciate it, but it wasnt a good idea because in the recent past, we tried to stay with her and it turned out very,  very, badly.

She told me to NOT call my DIL anymore, because I upset her because she had  no idea that my son had not been communicating with me for months - this whole time, during when my son was not communicating with me, my mom kept telling me I shouldn't worry about him not replying, due to how busy he is, and she told me that he would not want to talk to me anyways, due to my financial problems. I told her that I had not told him about my financial problems, and she said, Well, he knows about this, this, and this' then she abruptly changed the subject because she knows she stuck her foot in her mouth because SHE is the one who told him. She told me that he doesn't need ':)rama' in his life because he has enough responsibility of his own- then why did she tell him?

The next time I spoke to my mom, I asked her, in a nice way, why she did not tell me about my son's family visiting town and her house on Easter, when she thought that we might be staying with her then? Her answer was this: "Because I was afraid that if he knew you would be here, that he wouldn't come" ! After these past months, when I asked her if she knew why he was not returning my calls, etc, she said she had no idea, and did not ever hear him say anything about being mad at me or not wanting to see me. She KNEW that she had talked him into being upset with me.cShe has never done this to this extent with me & my son, but has done things like this on a consistent basis throughout her life. She puts her thoughts ingo other's mouths, she does it all the time with me - she says things like, " So & so thinks this way about you " , and " So & so SAID this about you " when in reality, it's what she thinks, not the other person.

I emailed my son, and told him that I would love to see him, and asked  him if he was mad at me. This time he actually replied to me and said that he "does not have a problem with visiting me" , he named the town they would be visiting, which is not my moms town, but close by, did not mention time, and he told me to stop reading into things, and then asked me to not "bomb" his phone that day because he was very busy at work.! First off, in a 4 month period,  I only tried to reach him 3 times. Usually, if someone in our family could not reach another in just a few days they would be freaking out. But, I had bedn communicating with my mom, who communicates with my son's family and goes to visit them on at least a bi-weekly basis (it's about a 3 hr drive for her).

I wrote back to him the next day and asked why he said that he didn't have a problem with visiting me, as that is not what he normally says - I told him that if he was upset with me and visiting me was more of a chore than a "want", after not seeing me for so long, than to just nevermind.

 The last time I seen my son he did not act mad or say anything about being upset with me, but, during that same week, the wnd to the last time I seen him,  when I flew across the US only to see him & his family since i had not seen them for almost a whole year before that, he treated me badly - was very impatient with me, made fun of me behind my back, and I did not say a word to him about it until after I left, I sent him an email and told him how he treated me hurt my feelings, that I felt like I was walking on eggshells around him, we only visited for about 2 hours at that time. I told him that if there was something bothering him that I would like to talk about it sometime and was sorry if I did something to upset him. (I asked him if I could brush his dog, a dog I've known since it was a baby) while we were waiting for his wife to get hkme from work so we could go out for dinner. One reason why I asked is because my mom was entertaining my grandson at the time, and they have told me multiple times that their busy scedule with work and new baby/toddler left them little time to keep up with  dog that sheds so profusely that they have to swedp & vacuum daily. When they got married this was a big issue, I bought them a special floor cleaner etc, az hjs wife has a bit of asthma. When my son told me NO, I asked several more times, telling him that I was playing witb the dog anyways,  az my son was busy after getging home from work and despite ghe fact that he walked him a bit, the dog was still wanting his attention. So I stopped asking, but when the dog was wanting me to play, I petted his neck and my son thought that I had not yet given up on trying to get all of the fur half falling off of him, so he grabbed my wrists really hard and said. "STOP". At first I thought he was joking, but he was nkt, he grabbed me really hard, and it hurt. Nothing was said after that, except for my apology, and my mom told me that when I visit him, I should jhst sit qhietly and not offer to do anything to try to help - like mothers usually do.So maybe thats why he was mad all those months, but I apologized.

After he read my text saying that if it was a chore to visit me, that if he really did not want to see me,  that to just never mind  (I said this partially because he knows that I know that he's very limited on time whenever he drives across the state to visit multiple people when he only has 1 day, can't spend the night due to work the next day, and it's 6 hrs total of driving), so ke knew that I meant to not wazte seeing me if he really didn't want to when he was already visiting my mom and 1 other house. He wrote back, said that he did, originally,  not "have any qualms" with seeing me (still, again, he did not say he wanted to see me, or missed me), but because of how I was 'acting', that he did not want to see me, because he did not want to have a "fight" on a holiday. I wrote back that I do not want to fight or argue,  and he knows that about me, as anytime an argument begins to start, I m very good at kedping calm because I grew up with a BPD narcissist mother for one thing, and any time my son and I have had a serious discussion,  I do not get ouf of control, I do not raise my voice, I do not blame or judge, and I tell him I want to settle the matter in a good way, and that my main concern in life is his well being.

All in all, my mother caused unnecessary drama, blamed me for it, and when all I'm trying to do is to remedy the situation by asking my son if he's upset with me and why, and asked him why he does not truly WANT to see me, then he and my mom blame me for causing drama, when all I'm doing is reacting to it, and barely reacting at that.

When I next spoke fo my mom, I asked her if I should drop of the gifts I made and bought for my Grandson at her house before they came over so that I could at least get the gifts to my Grandson, you're nkt going to believe what she said, "He probably wouldn't like them anyways". -And my mom and I were not in an argument during this conversation. This is the 2nd time she has said the exact same thing to me, when I told her about the gifts I made before our trip home a couple of months ago. She & I both crochet - a while back, I made this project for my Grandson that took me over a month to make - I actuall designed it based on a tiny project I found online that didn't have all the instructions - It's a "bag of hugs" project, it comes with a poem, that's for kids or other loved ones that live far way  (the designer of the original made some for her kids and they loved it, had a lot of fun with it). I made about 50 little hearts in different sizes & colors and a cute bag with drawstring to put them in. I knew that my Grandson might not understand the whole reason behind it, he's not quite 3 yet, but he could stack, count, and organize all the little hearts by size, color, and type, and give them out to people he loves, lr wants to give a heart or "hug" to. When I told my mom a little bit about it while I was making it, since she crochets too, she said he probably wouldnt like it, and told me that my son and his wife do not hang on to "junk", that mh Grandson has enough toys. I even made the bag in colors and a style where if my Grandson did not use it or like it, it could be used by my son or his wife, or as decor, or to store something in.

I have told my mom how much I hate living so far away, and how I hoped my Grandson would not forget me,  but when I sedn him on my visit several months ago becore I moved back, he took to me pretty much right away, and has a special namd for me, as he has lots of Grandmas. I was there when he was born for a week, and haven't  spent a lot of time with him, but I love him very much and want to be a great of a grandmother to him as mine was to me. My Grandmother died shortly after my Grandson was born she never got to see him. While I was taking care of her becore she died, I went to help out with my Grandson was born for a week or so, then I went back to caring for my Nanny while she was in the hospital,  then she died - she was my best friend for my entire life, and she was extremely close to my son, so it was heartbreaking that she never got to see my Grandson. The saddest part is, is that she was one of my mom's 'victims', my mom even yelled at her and talked nasty to her when she was very weak and ill a few days before she passed. My moms bld and narcissism caused my grandma a lot of pain, ezpecially in her lager years. She was a kind lady, like a saint. She always said she did not understand why my mom acted the way she does,  and she never confronted my mom about it, as she was so focused on keeping the peace - she would always give me a heads up wheb my mom was 'in one of her moods', and the only explanation she could think of was that my mom was like she is because she has worked a lot, or was stressed, or was always in a bad mood because of other people. She was rivht about the last thing - everyone upsets my mom, but it's because of her, not them. My grandma did not ever learn much about mental illness, and was a very forgiving person, she grew up with great values and was the most innocent adult I've ever known. My plans were to have my grandma live with me, if she would've  recovered for her illness, so that my mom would not have the chance to abuse her, and a few years back my mom told my grandma that she would never let her live with her anyways, even though my mom has extra bedroom & lives a lone, she told her she would have to go live in a nursing home because my mom just doesnt like to live with anyone, and that she worried about bein legally liable for her own mother, afraid something would happen that wohld cause her to lose her prof. license for work. My grandma did not work fof years after her 5 kids left home, so she could babysit for my mom, and my mom had no respect for that.

[Turkish]

Wow, that's a lot to handle... .

peachtree487

BPD mother

Son

DIL.

All independent entities free to make choices on how to interact with the world (others).

BPD mother and your son? Likely unhealthy.  DIL sounds reasonable.  Who knows what she's going through. 

There's healthy triangulation and unhealthy.  Your interaction with your DIL seems healthy.  Your mother and your son is questionable, of course,  and the added stress is you and your son,  guessing that the stress point is your mother. 

This article on triangulation might help explain the dynamics:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

I know you are frustrated, hurt and likely angry (I would be! I am just reading this). It might help,  however,  to step back a little and be like "just the facts ma'am." Keep it neutral. You already know you aren't going to get blood (validation) from an NPD type rock (your mom).
Your son sounds stressed,  and his behaviors aren't a core aspect of his personality like those of your mother,  would you agree?

I know this is hard,  but an approach might be more factual, rather than telling him about your feelings,  more like,  "we'll be at so and so place.  Can we see you then?" If meeting,  "here's a gift for gs," and leave your mom out of it.  Whatever you gift of none of her darn business!

[pbnjsandwich]

Yes, lots of dynamics, feelings and choices.  Your son seems like a wonderful husband and father. His priorities are to provide for his family and I think that it such a wonderful testament to you, his mother. We need great father's out there. For him to remove himself from the drama is pretty typical of men. They don't like to rock the boat in any circumstance, so he was probably doing just that, to spare everyone's feelings and that's commendable. As long as your son is happy and his family is functioning well, support him in that and everyone will fair out.

[GD39]

BPD mother and your son? Likely unhealthy. 

My thought exactly. By your description, it sounds like behaviors you would expect from a BPD. By the way, I am about your age, and it took me several sessions in therapy to finally accept that my mom most likely is an udBPD, and how I got myself in hooking up with partners with the same traits. Wish you the best.

[peachtree487]

Yes, lots of dynamics, feelings and choices.  Your son seems like a wonderful husband and father. His priorities are to provide for his family and I think that it such a wonderful testament to you, his mother. We need great father's out there. For him to remove himself from the drama is pretty typical of men. They don't like to rock the boat in any circumstance, so he was probably doing just that, to spare everyone's feelings and that's commendable. As long as your son is happy and his family is functioning well, support him in that and everyone will fair out.

pbnjsandwich, You are correct about my son. He is a very responsible father and husband, I am so very proud of him. He works very hard for his family, and is an extremely caring father, and husband. He has been put in the middle, and even though he might not know the clinical aspects of my moms BPD & narcissism, I believe that he understands it better than I do, and knows how to deal with her much better than I do. I have unknowingly, or rather unintentionally, put him in the middle by saying things about what my mom said or did, and I feel awful about it, but the reason why I have brought him into it is because I'm so afraid that my mom has manipulated him into believing a lie or exaggeratiin about me. But, in the past, he has told me that he knows how she is, so I should stop trying to defend myself to him.

There was one thing he said to me though, this time, that made me believe that he was buying in to what my mom had told him. He said that I got myself into financial problems. My mom told me that he did not want to be around me or talk to me because even if I do not mention my financial situation, that talking to or visiting me only reminds him of it. I have a hard time believing that, because my son is not greedy, nor materialistic, he is far from either, but his statement is upsetting. And, he also said that he will agree to visit me when I get "settled".

Am I reading too much into those statements? It sounds like he blames me for my financial situation, and sounds like he would rather wait to see me when I'm better off.

I have not told him much at all about my financial situation, esp. in the past year. My mom tells me to not tell him about it, then she turns around and tells him herself. He knows what started my problems, something that happened 2 years ago that could've happened to anyone, it's not due to anything I did wrong, it's just something that happens to people, and it's been very hard to pull out of it. If anything, I think he and my mom blame me for the decisions my husband & I have made to try to get out of our bad finacial situation. It's very difficult & wrong to judge other people when you're not walking in their shoes, a lot of decisions we've had to make were chosen from a list of all bad decisions, just doing whatever you have to do to keep a roof over your head and keep a good job. My husband & I moved to another state for a better job offer, but it did not work out, and definitely not for our lack of trying. We had to take a job near where we could afford to live, and vice versa. I was injured which made me lose both my military and civilian jobs, and after surgery, I was no longer qualified for my military job due to having plate and screws in my neck - and while recovering I was not able to keep up with renewing my licenses & certifications, so I cannot work a job that pays even half of what I used to make. Then my husband lost his job and took whatever job he could find, and due to the industry he worked in his entire life, being away from that, it costs money and time we don't have for him to become 'current' to go back to his old type of job - he has tons of experience, and it does not take much tpfor him to get 'current', but he cannot afford to take any time off work, and we don't have the money or credit to do what he needs to do to raise his salary 4 fold. I was not totally compensated for my injury, either, and am still trying to get my military benefits. I was a Reservist, but my injury happened when I was full time but doing training exercises, and was not properly diagnosed until I was back at Reservist status just a few months later - I keep getting mixed answers from the military, and am currently looking for a representative to help me get my medical benefits.

I hope what you said about how everything with my son will fair out will come true, because the well being of him and his family is the most important thing to me. He is doing well, although he works a lot of hours to provide for his family, it's very hard these days with the cost of rentals and health insurance, day care, etc. I hope my son understands my situation because years ago, when he needed my financial help, I gave it to him without blaming or questioning, because he has always had a good head on his shoulders, was the most responsible teenager I've ever known.

Thank You for your help!

[Turkish]

As much as it is sad not being able to feel safe telling a parent about certain aspects of your life,  your mom doesn't need to know more.  It's not emotionally safe for your family. The gentlest thing I can say is,  "what's up with her?" 

[peachtree487]

Wow, that's a lot to handle... .

peachtree487

BPD mother

Son

DIL.

All independent entities free to make choices on how to interact with the world (others).

BPD mother and your son? Likely unhealthy.  DIL sounds reasonable.  Who knows what she's going through. 

There's healthy triangulation and unhealthy.  Your interaction with your DIL seems healthy.  Your mother and your son is questionable, of course,  and the added stress is you and your son,  guessing that the stress point is your mother. 

This article on triangulation might help explain the dynamics:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

I know you are frustrated, hurt and likely angry (I would be! I am just reading this). It might help,  however,  to step back a little and be like "just the facts ma'am." Keep it neutral. You already know you aren't going to get blood (validation) from an NPD type rock (your mom).
Your son sounds stressed,  and his behaviors aren't a core aspect of his personality like those of your mother,  would you agree?

I know this is hard,  but an approach might be more factual, rather than telling him about your feelings,  more like,  "we'll be at so and so place.  Can we see you then?" If meeting,  "here's a gift for gs," and leave your mom out of it.  Whatever you gift of none of her darn business!

Turkish- what you said is spot on. Also, my son has been able to have a pretty good relationship with my mom, as he does not have to walk on eggshells as much as I do, and now that he has a child, my mom is afraid to upset him.

[peachtree487]

As much as it is sad not being able to feel safe telling a parent about certain aspects of your life,  your mom doesn't need to know more.  It's not emotionally safe for your family. The gentlest thing I can say is,  "what's up with her?" 

Turkish, you are right, the less a person with BPD knows about someone else's life, the better, I think. But they make things up anyhow. My grandpa definitely had BPD, which is where my mom probably got it. I was a victim of his from time to time, as the oldest daughter of the oldest daughter, I guess he picked on me because I was already a victim, an easy target. People in my family believed things my grandfather told them about me until they seen differently for themselves.

It's so easy for someone to believe something their parent tells them, especially when they are a mostly responsible person and if someone does not understand mental illness. My uncle picked me up at the airport many years ago after not seeing me for several years, and was surprised at my appearance  (we practically grew up together)- he said he did not expect me to look so normal, that he expected to see me dressed in black leather pants, high heels, looking like some type of hooker, based on what my GF told him. He couldn't get over it for the longest time, he kept going on about how normal I looked, and said he did not think he would recognize me - he truly believed what his father said, even though he knew how my GF was.