She wants me to add her to the house deed, and its logical. I feel like im lost

[Thea]

And it got out of hand and I got angry and she is so calm and cool all the time and it makes me wonder if maybe I am the one with the disorder. And I kept thinking about the people who know and thinking of the words they give me, but I feel guilty and crazy and scared all the time. We were together when I(we) bought the house, 21 years ago, before we were married. My mortgage, my deed. She has been on SSI the whole time. I feel so sorry for her as she says things like "this is my home too" but I'm just scared. She is saying because she is disabled we won't pay property taxes which is true, and that makes sense, even tempting, since we are not making our bills.  ... .but how is that going to look if I file for divorce months after "handing" her half of [our] house?  I'm scared she might try to kill me or somehow get me out. How can I get her out of this house if she is on the deed? I have three little kids.WHAT DO I DO? We used to have a security system which recorded some of her abusive ways. She destroyed it and now says that she has recorded me being abusive.I admit sometimes I do and say things that are a bit over the top, I tend to swear when Im angry for example. She is freaking me out. I cant take it. And this all started because she was complaining about me, telling our oldest that she is paying all of the bills and Im not letting her see any of the bills anymore or my money. And that I am spending money frivolously.  I do have an account that only I use, its a check for the oldest living in the home that I receive and I pay utilities with. When she told the oldest that she pays the electric, internet, etc the oldest then said- NO that she actually paid for the internet the past three months. _CAUGHT IN A LIE and she unraveled completely. Her logic and calm is piercing and leaves me without words, without an argument, without a leg to stand on. I just want to evaporate. I just want to leave, but I can't leave my kids. And I have nowhere to go with them and I am their guardian and the mess his too big for me its just too big.

[Panda39]

Hi Thea,

Keep the deed as it is, it is okay to protect your interests and the interests of your children.  To me you add her to the deed and you are further legally tied to her.  I wouldn't do that particularly if you are considering leaving.

How old are your kids?

Have you ever talked with a lawyer?  You can usually get a consultation for a fee.  It might put your mind more at ease to find out how things work in your state, what you could expect if you divorce, what your rights are and what if anything does adding her to the deed effect your position.

My SO had an uBPDw that was a financial mess too (and yes he was part of it too).  Over spending, trying to keep up appearances, self soothing... .etc. She got even weirder towards the end she was gonna make "4 Trillion dollar" deals (I mean cons) and bail out the whole family.  This made things worse.  My SO eventually had to have his paychecks put on a pre-paid card so he could gain control and get bills paid.  His financial state was a mess when he left his marriage but he was employed and had the support of his mom. 

The period of his divorce was hard, I'm not gonna lie really hard, but once the divorce was final things stabilized financially.  He left his wife in 2010, the divorce was final 2012, in 2015 his kids moved in with him full-time (voted with their feet) because of their mother's behaviors, last year he leased a new car, we go on little vacations, dinner... .etc.  So, it took awhile to get out but once out he was able to work on his financial situation and now is stable and doing well.  Budgets... .bills paid on time... .providing for his daughters.

I just tell you this so you know it's hard but it can be done.

Hang in there,
Panda39

[ForeverDad]

I cannot say this firmly enough... .If you are the more reasonable person then absolutely do not Gift Away any advantage you currently have.  That's not being mean, it's being wise.  Making her a co-owner would bind yourselves together even more than you are now.  Don't add ownership issues to the existing issues.  Seeking local legal advice would almost certainly support these words.

And no, adding her to the deed won't fix any problems.  For example, is she willing to assume liability for the mortgage?  Even if she was willing to do that, how could you ever 'force' her to pay?  Her only cheese (mousetrap) to tempt you is that you may be able to avoid real estate taxes.  That's all.  I bet you'd still get stuck paying the much bigger mortgage.

[scraps66]

I'll tell a short story.  Met my uexBPDNPDw one month.  It started quickly.  Four months later she was pregnant, she had, "forgotten" to take her birth control.  At the time I was in a good position, financially, was finishing a full house reno that would make me a good profit.  Ex however could hardly cover her bills and had some debt.  "We" were pregnant and needed a place to live, and, well, ex was feeling anxiety as an unwed mother to be.  What the heck, let's just get married.  We did.  And bought a house (one she picked) with my money.  She was on the mortgage and the deed.  During several refinances I managed to get her name off the mortgage - which she was onto, but I did it.  The r/s quickly spiraled.  After 47 months of bliss I filed for divorce.  Over four years later we were divorced, yay!  Including a very long equitable distribution process lasting 19 months with me kicked out of the house for 15 months.  Somehow at the end ex had managed to scare up a down payment for a house of her own, but we hadn't settled the divorce.  Huh?  So she buys this house - but her name is still on the deed to my house.  I needed her name off that deed so i could refinance and take advantage of the low mortgage rates - the same low rates ex had taken advantage of.  But i couldn't cuzz her name was still on the deed.  So after that very unnecessarily long and horribly orchestrated and inefficient equitable distribution process, 19 months, three conferences, and ex producing NO financial records, I had to go to trial - to get her name off the deed essentially.  That was the last and only thing she had to hold over my head.  We were both living in our on homes, but the divorce wasn't financially settled.

Keep the deed as is regardless of any real or perceived advantages.