I received a text from her friend

[crushedagain]

Yesterday I was out of town and I received a text from an unknown number - the same number that called moments before and that I didn't answer. As I started to read the text my heart started pounding. It read:

 "Hi, I'm a friend of (enter my exBPD's name here), and it seems her contact information has changed and I cannot get a hold of her. Could you please contact me to let me know how to get a hold of her? Thank you."

This really set me back for some reason. At first, before I even finished reading it, my inclination was that something bad had happened to her. Then, after reading it and realizing nothing like that had happened, it began to sink in that she had basically disappeared from everybody's lives, and that I probably had no way of contacting her, either. We haven't talked in over 6 months, and I've never tried to contact her.

I didn't respond to the text, and I won't. I don't see a point in it. I do have to be honest that a small part of me wanted to call the friend and explain how my ex had skipped town on me, so her friend knew exactly what she did, but I don't know that there would be anything to gain. In the grand scheme of things, none of those people matter anymore.

For some reason I've taken a step backwards and am again having painful memories of how she left, how I didn't want it to end, how there was never even any conversation about anything and it was just some decision she made herself and that I had no input on, etc. Unlike a lot of others here, mine didn't treat me as poorly. Our main issue was her pouting and sulking and blaming me for it. While that's no ok, she wasn't overtly cruel like others I've read about.

[Cromwell]

probably just kicking off the grass roots of another elaborate mind game.

what is it with my own experience and I keep reading everyone else of 6 months they go away then turn back again, is it some borderline lunar cycle or something! its starting to trigger me.

note to self; there is no such thing as being too cynical when living with a BPD partner. I think you are being dragged back in for something, it probably isnt even her friend it will be her wanting to see how you respond and test the waters with you.

[crushedagain]

I appreciate your reply, but I do not believe this is some ruse. This woman left her full name and email which matches her name, and she's an attorney.

Since my BPDex is all of a sudden fresh on my mind again today, I have been replaying one memory of us to help me realize this breakup was all for the best:

I took her out to a nice lunch one weekend, paid for it, then planned a walk for us. I asked the waitress if the trailhead was accessible from the parking lot and she said no, we'd have to drive across the freeway.

After a great lunch, we got into the car and she became surly. I asked what was wrong and she expressed some dissatisfaction that I was driving 500 feet across a busy freeway overpass rather than just walk from the restaurant parking lot. I ignored it, pulled into the parking area, and we got out to walk. I was getting the cold shoulder and she wasn't walking next to me, and everything was off. I finally asked if we could have a good walk or if she just wanted to go home. She started in with her little pouting act where I had done something wrong. I was fed up, and said let's just go home. We got into the car and drove off.

I ended up stopping by a beautiful garden half way home, and asked if she'd like to go walk there. Surprisingly, she stopped her sniveling and crying, and we got out and had a nice walk. Afterwards, she thanked me and kissed my cheek and held my hand. This is a 45 year old woman who acts like a child.

[crushedagain]

As I lay here ready for bed I can't get her off my mind now. And all of a sudden I've been seeing her name everywhere. It's weird.

The above story may seem rather mild as compared to some I've read here, but it is one of many memories I have where I did something nice for her and she wasn't thankful and decided to pitch a fit for no reason at all. While that particular one didn't end badly as my 2nd effort was actually somewhat appreciated, there were other times where she just wanted to create a stink.

We could have weeks of perfect symmetry and yet one tiny thing would ultimately set her off and then its "all bad." That's what she would say verbatim. It was black and white thinking. She would start packing her stuff at the most innocuous thing. It truly was bizarre when I look back on it. "Walking on eggshells" sums it up, I guess.

[Cromwell]

you are right at the truce when you say childish, except it is not an adult playing childish so much as it is a child in an adults body who has not progressed emotionally.

it does sound mild, but then again, you didnt do anything to let her create any outlandish chaos and it sounds like she had to combust within herself instead. (the tears etc).

when you say she suddenly changed and showed affection, this is the push/pull nature of it. and it will torment you because it is getting you conditioned to some false notion that "as long as i learn to press the right button, she will eventually reciprocate what i want her to be".

I could have the most amazing day with my ex, literally everything would go perfect even the weather, as if id found "the one" that i was always meant to be with.

towards the end of that picture perfect movie production there would always be something she would say or do that would cause the whole thing to seem worthless and a savage blow to the heart. its a case of building someone up all the way then crashing them down.

its nothing of a mystery to people who have been through it, I actually started to get used to it, where I couldnt even enjoy the good times anymore because I was preparing myself for what was to follow soon after (in a matter of hours) the mood would go 180.

it is because of dysfunctional upbringing where they were always anticipating chaos to happen to punctuate into the quiet times. As they have grown up they have instead became the orchestrators of this chaos themselves in order to feel more control over it.

its up to you if you want to keep on going along for this rollercoaster ride.

[crushedagain]

That's exactly how I felt, always waiting for the next shoe to drop. It became apparent that there was no way the relationship would last, because there would always be one tiny trigger and she would start packing her bags.

One time she packed up her car and drove off. I told myself I'd never call and beg her back. She called me from down the road crying, asking "what are we doing?" I said "what do you mean WE? What are YOU doing?" She ended up coming back and acting all hurt, pouting and what not, just making for a miserable day. Sometime in the evening she said something like "well, you could have at least tried to stop me." I told her I'm never going to play those games.

Those sorts of events would last several days, and they sucked, to put it frankly. It made it so hard to be around her. I am feeling much stronger these days, because I was a wreck when she left. But I am realizing that I can find a much, much better woman, somebody who actually cares about me and my feelings, and isn't going to throw the relationship on the rocks for nothing.

[Cromwell]

sounds like the was training you to start accepting this level of emotional abuse. if you imagine for a moment where it must have originated. my suspicion is that fear of abandonment is manifesting itself in how she now treats you. it is natural for a small child to be afraid of the caregiver abandoning it, it relies on them for their very survival.

when she jumped in the car, ran off, and you didnt chase after her in hot pursuit, it clearly was a test to see how far she can go before being abandoned. Its good that you didnt, in that crazy state she would be capable of anything including shouting in the street "help!" and making out that you are the crazy one. you cant win, their games are designed that way.

I got this type of variant on a near weekly basis to the point i eventually became numb to it.

"I never want to ever see you again, get out!"

my adrenaline would be spiked as it was always highly dramatic with sometimes a plate crashing around to add to the emphasis, so i would just leave, not phone her, then the next morning id get a call and it would be the sweet child voice acting as if nothing had ever happened and asking me to come up so we could go somewhere (with absolute no mention at all about the outrageous behavior the night before).

being the sucker for punishment that I am, I did, thinking that she was just stressed about something else and let it out on me. I made so many excuses in the absence of ever getting an explanation.

I would add to what she said to you by putting before "(ive you really loved me), you could have least tried to stop me".

the thing is, please know that there is nothing you could ever do that would persuade her or cure this abandonment complex. it is hard written encoded. and people have went to self-injurious extremes trying.

[crushedagain]

I'm trying to learn what it is about me that got me into this situation so as not to repeat it. I mean no disrespect to any women out there, but I was raised with all sisters and a mother (father was out of town on business all the time) and they had their own special brand of crazy. Every one of them. And they could be cruel. I'd usually just get out of the house and go somewhere by myself, get away.

The reason I mention this is I think that maybe since I had to tolerate so much from them I am putting up with more abuse than I should in relationships. I understand everybody has their issues, but I've been too tolerant. I need to think about myself more. Also, my mother was an alcoholic so that's where my codependency issues stem from. I'm figuring all of this stuff out now.

[Cromwell]

I'm trying to learn what it is about me that got me into this situation so as not to repeat it. I mean no disrespect to any women out there, but I was raised with all sisters and a mother (father was out of town on business all the time) and they had their own special brand of crazy. Every one of them. And they could be cruel. I'd usually just get out of the house and go somewhere by myself, get away.

The reason I mention this is I think that maybe since I had to tolerate so much from them I am putting up with more abuse than I should in relationships. I understand everybody has their issues, but I've been too tolerant. I need to think about myself more. Also, my mother was an alcoholic so that's where my codependency issues stem from. I'm figuring all of this stuff out now.

thats great to hear, its taken me a long time until I met this woman to recognise that I even had an underlying issue. i think because my previous relationships were far more reciprocal and respectful, I was able to treat them well and I got it back. thats why with this encounter, I repeated the same behaviour and was flummoxed that it wasnt working, or to be more precise, made everything worse. it became this challenge that i hadnt expected and that was part of what kept me in. in the process and mostly after finishing, the reflection process and discovery has been profound.

the true value, when I set aside all the heartache etc for my ex, and trying to figure out what made her tick, and took a closer look at myself and why I was behaving in a way that repeatedly had such bad results. what makes it all the more difficult when you are with a borderline is that even when I changed my behaviour it just shifted into a new variant of the game, to the point I had to conclude (correctly) that nothing I could besides leaving is "right". i was living with an enigma that she herself hadnt solved, least of all me trying to.

i think it is good that you are on this path of more self awareness, it does take courage and facing maybe uncomfortable truths, but ultimately it can become very rewarding for the purpose not only to be far better equipped for the future but just for the fact that many people will live their lives and not have discovered their own true self that has been repressed and over-rode by habitual conditioned behaviour. Sleep walking through life is one way I see my prior self before meeting this person.

if you were brought up in an environment like that, of course you had to learn to forfeit your own needs in order to please others. no one that goes through that just magically when they reach independence time, grow up, leave home and suddenly re-wire into a new personality over night it carries with us until we realise it and then decide if it is something we would rather change in ourselves. at the same time there are many qualities that I felt i brought to this former relationship that were hugely beneficial to us, but were very much unappreciated. i even told my ex that I will never change, I sort of blurted that out not even knowing why i said it. i realise now that I wont be making fundamental changes, I like the person I am, but I have identified things I want to refine and feel werent developed enough to deal with future relationships. The same thing you identified now, "how did i attract this disordered person in the first place". and also not realise and act upon the red flags as they came in. why did i allow this person to disrespect me, but continue to be hooked into a relationship with? these are all questions that ive had to reflect on that if i hadnt ever met her and went through the experience, i wouldnt have gained what I have as a result.