My daughter has BPD... a whole new world for us

[Ednamae]

Hello! My "child" is 21 years old, and recently diagnosed with BPD. It wasn't just recently that any symptoms started showing though. I had never heard of BPD, and went through blaming myself and feeling guilty for raising such an angry, out-of-control person. I always asked myself where I went wrong.
I started her counseling when she was about 8 (give or take), because her dad and step mom (her dad and I were never married, and he wanted nothing to do with her until she was 2 when he started dating his wife). There was a lot of mental abuse when she had to spend time with them. I took him to court for decreased visitation because of it, but was always told you just can't prove mental or emotional abuse so nothing could be done. (It didn't help that her step mom worked at the courthouse).
She had a lot of trouble with bullying in 5th grade. It got so bad that she was getting physically sick before school. I had no idea until I went into the office to talk to the principal and was told she knew a lot of things I was never told about. Her answer was to keep my daughter at home the remainder of the year (being taught by me) and the bullies could stay at school.
Junior high got worse, and high school was a nightmare. I ended up pulling her and signing her up with an on-line school. Even that was a struggle with her anxiety.
She never had friends. She never fit in to any group of friends. (It was always because someone didn't like her, or was really mean to her; hindsite is punching me in the face). She would sit in her room and read day and night.
The last couple of years have been the worse. We have gone from counselor to counselor. Some just couldn't "get" what was going on with her, and others, well, someone in the office would say something she felt was horrible, and she wouldn't go back because they were terrible.
I found out over a year or two ago that she was cutting. Her friend called me to tell me-she was cutting her legs so that it wasn't seen. After one of her "episodes" (that's what I use to call them before knowing what was going on), I found out she tried cocaine. She swears it was a one time only thing. I knew she was looking to medicate herself.
She has been to the ER a few times only to be given an Ativan and sent home. She has threatened suicide several times. In her "episodes" it's like it's not even her. I can look at her and try to help, but it's like she's looking right through me. After she's over it she doesn't even remember what happened. She spent a week in a facility a few months ago (she was in ER and actually asked them to admit her to give her help). This is when they gave her the diagnosis of BPD. My whole life changed. I found a psychiatrist an hour away that agreed to see her. But when we got there he was running an hour behind and it threw her into panick mode. She had an episode and was trying to cut herself with her keys. She took her ear buds and wrapped the cord around her neck and tried strangling herself. She was throwing herself around in the car, banging her head against the window. I pulled over and called 911. The ambulance took her to the closest ER. After she calmed down, she looked at me and asked what happened to her arm where she cut it up. The Dr. came in and asked why we would come to the ER. He said he couldn't do anything for her.
I'm lost. She actually wants help! But either no one wants to help (they say it's above them and they can't help), or they look at me like I'm crazy. I've seen her hace so many problems with friends (they don't get it) and she's lost a couple really good jobs! My anxiety is astronomical-I never know who I'm gonna be dealing with from one second to the next. She looks to me for answers when things get rough with friends or jobs, but if she doesn't like my options, it's hell. She just can't deal with life period. The anger in her over every little thing is tiring.
I'm sad-why can't my daughter be ok and happy?  My mom cries... .she's had such a loving, caring life with us. Me, my mom, my dad, my sister. But it just hasn't been enough. Does OCD tendencies go with BPD? She has severe anxiety, severe depression, OCD, PTSD, and change is hell to her-ANY change at all and she freaks out. She was just diagnosed with ADHD.
I'm so sorry about the lengthy post. I actually left a lot out. This life is a book.
I have just purchased "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and "I Hate You-Please Don't Leave"

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Faith Spring]

Hi, just letting you know I understand how lost you feel.  I do too.  I am new here.  So far, I've found this place to be great.  Reading posts from other moms and dads, I feel like I'm not alone.  I wasn't abusive.  I tried my best.  I think my failure is when I stopped taking care of myself. I let this anxiety consume my life.  That's gonna stop. 

Anyway I do hear what you're saying and look forward to reading more of your posts. 

[Ednamae]

Thank you so much! We live in a small town and I don't even talk to my friends about it. I've heard everything from "she needs to grow up", "get over it", "she's just doing this for attention", or they have quit calling or asking me to do things. No one gets it-i wouldn't have either

[Whototurnto?]

Ednamae - your story sounds exactly like our experience with our daughter. Our daughter suffers with OCD, anxiety and BPD. Unlike you, we are estranged from our daughter as she has cut off all contact. I have no answers or words of wisdom, I just wanted to say - I hear you, been there, you're not alone. Come here and vent. And take care of yourself, don't lose sight that you are entitled to a life as well.

[wendydarling]

Hi Ednamae

 

I'd like to join Faith Spring and Whototurnto? welcoming you to the community.

Wow - you've been through it  , you are not alone, us parents are right here with you every step of the way. I arrived here like you lost - drowning in my 29DD's BPD. Here I found my way with the great support and kindness of parents and the resources, pulled me through making the changes I needed to for me.

Small gentle steps.

Stick with us Ednamae, there are answers here for you, for me it felt like an unpacking exercise of my situation.

Hope  

WDx

[MomMae]

We live in a small town and I don't even talk to my friends about it. I've heard everything from "she needs to grow up", "get over it", "she's just doing this for attention", or they have quit calling or asking me to do things. No one gets it-i wouldn't have either

I can very much relate to your above quote, Ednamae.  We are from a smallish town too - small enough that we even know some of the counsellors at the hospital, or our BPD daughter went to school with their children, etc.  It makes a difficult life even more difficult, that is for sure, especially for a very private person like myself.  It feels like everyone "knows".  It doesn't bother me as much now as it used to - I finally just decided to not give a flying-#$%@ about who knew... .Everyone has something going on and I was tired of feeling ashamed about my daughter's behaviour... .It is a disease that no one would choose to live with, just like cancer!

I can also, unfortunately, relate to not talking to friends about it.  I feel I have lost what I thought were close friends over it... .it hurts when people act as if my daughter doesn't exist, just because they are uncomfortable knowing the situation.  I wish I had not opened up to my friends... .I feel isolated from people I have known for thirty-plus years because of their callous responses or non-responses.  It's not like I want to talk about it ad nauseam, just for it to be acknowledged.  One the bright side, one or two friends have been very caring and concerned... .

Here, on this forum, I feel among friends.  I have met wonderful, wonderful people here.  We all GET it, Ednamae, we want to hear your story, we understand and we empathize.  Hugs,   MM

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you, having tried to do everything to help your daughter who has severe mental illness, and not seeing any real relief for either her or yourself from all the pain and chaos. The sad and frustrating truth is many mental health professionals know very little about BPD. Has you daughter ever had any treatment that involves DBT? DBT has a long track record of being a treatment that works for people with long time severe issues with BPD, and it is an intensive treatment with individual therapy, a therapist that is readily available for consultation when needed, and group therapy. I admire your courage and caring in trying to do everything possible to help your daughter get well. Let us know how you are doing, how she is doing, and how we can help.

[Ednamae]

Wow! I wish I could thank each one of you individually, but I really don't know what I'm doing yet . I do not have a computer, so am trying to navigate on my phone. I truly sat and cried reading your responses. It's the first time ever that anyone "got it", and I didn't have to feel ashamed or embarrassed! I promised my daughter months ago that I wouldn't give up on her, and would try till my dying breath to get her the help she needs. I am just in awe how hard it is to find mental health help! She's been passed from professional to professional. I was feeling like no one cared. Every emotion she has is just multiplied by 1000. So even her good moods seem overwhelming. I won't stop-we just had an appointment today and they put her on Latuda and Vistoril and Vyvance. I have faith... .and will continue to pray.