Anybody else have a sibling with BPD?

[Barilla]

I have broken away from my sibling with BPD to heal - I am not in an emotional place to handle a relationship with this sibling right now. Is anybody else in a similar situation? I have never done a discussion board like this, but I would be really interested in talking with other people who have had a similar situation to me.

I have some questions if you are a sibling to a BPD: did you break off contact, and if so how long did it take you to heal?
How do you put up "emotional shields" to protect yourself?
Do you have any tips to having a good relationship with a sibling with BPD?

[Kwamina]

Hi Barilla

Welcome to our online community

Dealing with a BPD sibling can be quite difficult. I have an undiagnosed BPD older sister and that definitely has been challenging. What would you say were the major challenges you faced with your sister?

Taking care of yourself is very important. You say you've broken away from your sister to heal. How long has this been so? Did anything specific lead up to this decision to break away or was it perhaps more a culmination of everything that you've been through with her?

Whether we have contact with our BPD family-members or not, I think the most important thing for us is to focus on our own behavior and responses. One thing that might help is to keep in mind that your sister's behavior stem from her disorder. If your sister indeed has BPD, her extreme emotional responses and behavior are a result of her distorted thinking and perception. Her behavior more than likely isn't a reflection of who you really are at all, but just a projection of her own inner turmoil. Keeping this in mind can help not to take things that personally, yet it can still be hard though.

There are various tools described on this site that can help in managing a relationship with a BPD family-member. Boundaries are very important as they help us protect ourselves and preserve our own well-being. Do you feel comfortable setting and enforcing/defending boundaries with your sister? Do you generally feel comfortable setting and enforcing/defending boundaries with people?

There are also various communication techniques that can help minimize the likelihood of (further) conflict and drama while maximizing the likelihood of getting through to the other person. These techniques include validation, S.E.T. and D.E.A.R.M.A.N.. Are you perhaps already familiar with any of these techniques?

Take care

The Board Parrot

[Harri]

Hi Barilla and welcome.  I do not have a sibling with BPD but I wanted to say hello anyway.   

There are several people with siblings posting here right now so you are in a good place!  Some of them broke contact and all are in various stages of healing.  Having a sibling with BPD is quite difficult.  Fortunately the tools mentioned by Kwamina are quite helpful.

I am going to parrot what Kwamina said: Boundaries can serve as emotional shields and are something you can learn to implement as you learn more about the behaviors associated with the disorder. 

Anyway, there is lots to read here and you will see several posts made by siblings on this first page.  Again, you are not alone and even those of us who do not have siblings to cope with, we can still relate.

Again, welcome.

[pbnjsandwich]

I have broken away from my sibling with BPD to heal - I am not in an emotional place to handle a relationship with this sibling right now. Is anybody else in a similar situation? I have never done a discussion board like this, but I would be really interested in talking with other people who have had a similar situation to me.

I have some questions if you are a sibling to a BPD: did you break off contact, and if so how long did it take you to heal?
How do you put up "emotional shields" to protect yourself?
Do you have any tips to having a good relationship with a sibling with BPD?

Hello and welcome!  I'm sure there are many on here who have BPD family members, particularly siblings. I hope you find comfort in knowing you're not alone. Space away from family can lead to good places if you choose for it to heal you and for you to find your boundaries and priorities. I had to do the same. IT's not an easy thing to do, but I'm a firm believer that if you want to make changes in your life, you have to have some space to do that.  Looking forward to hearing from you.

[YouHadMeAtHello]

Hi Barilla! 

From what you posted it sounds like we're in a similar place.  I have a younger sister with BPD.  Up until a few years ago I was able to handle her pretty well but my life has changed dramatically and I just don't have the time, patience or headspace for her anymore.  She was stressing me out so much that I just really had to step away and I feel a lot better now that I have. 

I have made several boundaries to protect myself.  I no longer allow anyone to bully me regarding my relationship with BPD sister.  If my mom and other sister get too pushy I take a break from them, too.  If BPD sister asks me to do something I am not comfortable with I just say no and leave the situation.  If BPD sister starts getting aggressive with me I leave the situation.  I refuse to engage in arguments with her.  Using what I've learned here and in the books I read I'll validate her feelings, without agreeing with them, and then excuse myself. 

In general I just don't talk to BPD sister unless I have to.  I see her at extended family events and I see her at her wedding related things because I agreed to be in her wedding (against my better judgement, but it is what it is right now).  I am very much looking forward to her wedding being over with so I don't have to worry about it anymore. 

I definitely don't have all the answers, but I know that first and foremost I need to take care of myself.  I have a young daughter, a husband and a business with many employees that are counting on me.  I literally cannot afford to be wrapped up in all of BPD sister's drama. 

[Pina colada]

Welcome Barilla!  My older sister has BPD/NPD traits and my life, our family, has been an emotional roller coastal at best.  Knowledge is power and reading, along with strong boundaries can help you!  Unfortunately the cards they were dealt give them a terrible mental illness that affects anyone that interacts with them.  All you can do is protect yourself and know you are not alone!  Post, rant, vent here as you need to.  We are here to support one another!

[Emma 101]

Hello there,

Yes - i have a brother with BPD. It has been super hard and I am in a place where cutting off contact maybe a good option for me. The trouble is i keep feeling like things will get better or just not feeling like i am able to fully cut off contact. I feel like the relationship is abusive and one way. I hate how much hurt i feel and how terrible he can make me feel and i have the feeling i can't do anything about it.

[Barilla]

Hi Barilla and welcome.  I do not have a sibling with BPD but I wanted to say hello anyway.   

There are several people with siblings posting here right now so you are in a good place!  Some of them broke contact and all are in various stages of healing.  Having a sibling with BPD is quite difficult.  Fortunately the tools mentioned by Kwamina are quite helpful.

I am going to parrot what Kwamina said: Boundaries can serve as emotional shields and are something you can learn to implement as you learn more about the behaviors associated with the disorder. 

Anyway, there is lots to read here and you will see several posts made by siblings on this first page.  Again, you are not alone and even those of us who do not have siblings to cope with, we can still relate.

Again, welcome.

Thank you!  Yes, right not my boundary is 0 contact, but I would like for this to change in the future, so I will have to learn how to navigate and set up new boundaries.

[Barilla]

Hi Barilla! 

From what you posted it sounds like we're in a similar place.  I have a younger sister with BPD.  Up until a few years ago I was able to handle her pretty well but my life has changed dramatically and I just don't have the time, patience or headspace for her anymore.  She was stressing me out so much that I just really had to step away and I feel a lot better now that I have. 

I have made several boundaries to protect myself.  I no longer allow anyone to bully me regarding my relationship with BPD sister.  If my mom and other sister get too pushy I take a break from them, too.  If BPD sister asks me to do something I am not comfortable with I just say no and leave the situation.  If BPD sister starts getting aggressive with me I leave the situation.  I refuse to engage in arguments with her.  Using what I've learned here and in the books I read I'll validate her feelings, without agreeing with them, and then excuse myself. 

In general I just don't talk to BPD sister unless I have to.  I see her at extended family events and I see her at her wedding related things because I agreed to be in her wedding (against my better judgement, but it is what it is right now).  I am very much looking forward to her wedding being over with so I don't have to worry about it anymore. 

I definitely don't have all the answers, but I know that first and foremost I need to take care of myself.  I have a young daughter, a husband and a business with many employees that are counting on me.  I literally cannot afford to be wrapped up in all of BPD sister's drama. 

I really resonate with what you said! Thanks for responding Right now I don't even want to see her at family events. When I see her my fight or flight response goes on like crazy, and I have had a really tough year with a lot of other things going on and am working on relaxing and bettering myself. Your boundaries sound really good, and I definitely need to develop new ones if/when we start talking again. One thing that is really hard for me is that she often refuses to take any accountability, which makes it really hard to resolve anything.

What books would you recommend? I've read "I hate you, don't leave me."

Good luck with the wedding! I hope it passes quickly and painlessly.

[Barilla]

Welcome Barilla!  My older sister has BPD/NPD traits and my life, our family, has been an emotional roller coastal at best.  Knowledge is power and reading, along with strong boundaries can help you!  Unfortunately the cards they were dealt give them a terrible mental illness that affects anyone that interacts with them.  All you can do is protect yourself and know you are not alone!  Post, rant, vent here as you need to.  We are here to support one another!

Thank you! I can relate with family being an emotional roller coaster, ours certainly is, at least when it involves my BPD sister. Thanks for the support!

[Barilla]

Hello and welcome!  I'm sure there are many on here who have BPD family members, particularly siblings. I hope you find comfort in knowing you're not alone. Space away from family can lead to good places if you choose for it to heal you and for you to find your boundaries and priorities. I had to do the same. IT's not an easy thing to do, but I'm a firm believer that if you want to make changes in your life, you have to have some space to do that.  Looking forward to hearing from you.

Thank you very much! You make a good point about figuring out priorities - I think it would be good to evaluate what I want my role to look like if I choose to contact her again, and set some goals for myself, as I am the only person I can control. It's definitely hard to have 0 contact with her, as I often feel drawn in because of my parents.

[Barilla]

Hello there,

Yes - i have a brother with BPD. It has been super hard and I am in a place where cutting off contact maybe a good option for me. The trouble is i keep feeling like things will get better or just not feeling like i am able to fully cut off contact. I feel like the relationship is abusive and one way. I hate how much hurt i feel and how terrible he can make me feel and i have the feeling i can't do anything about it.

I know that I feel a lot better after cutting off contact. I also felt like the relationship was abusive, and the thought of speaking to my sibling gave me anxiety. Ultimately it's up to you, but one thing I've realized if that I'm not taking care of myself I can't help anybody else. I would like to be in a really solid place before I initiate contact again.

[Harri]

Hi Barilla.  I just wanted to pop in and say it is good to see you back.  You got a lot of really good responses too. 

Thank you!  Yes, right not my boundary is 0 contact, but I would like for this to change in the future, so I will have to learn how to navigate and set up new boundaries.

Then you are in the right place.  We can certainly help you as you navigate your way to a comfortable, for you, relationship (or not) with your sibling.

How have you done with setting boundaries before?  Were you comfortable with them?

We have several articles on our site that talk about boundaries and bringing them in line with personal values.  Here is a link: Boundaries in case you want more information on them.  At the bottom of the page I linked you to there is a More tab you can click on for even more info on boundaries.       

I would like to be in a really solid place before I initiate contact again.

  Do you have any specifics you want to work on?  Have you checked out the Survivors Guide located on the right side of the page?  Each numbered item is clickable and will expand for more to read.

[YouHadMeAtHello]

I really resonate with what you said! Thanks for responding Right now I don't even want to see her at family events. When I see her my fight or flight response goes on like crazy, and I have had a really tough year with a lot of other things going on and am working on relaxing and bettering myself. Your boundaries sound really good, and I definitely need to develop new ones if/when we start talking again. One thing that is really hard for me is that she often refuses to take any accountability, which makes it really hard to resolve anything.

What books would you recommend? I've read "I hate you, don't leave me."

Good luck with the wedding! I hope it passes quickly and painlessly.

I totally get where you are.  Six or so months ago I was in the same place. I  was in fight or flight mode 100% of the time.  I couldn't sleep.  I was having muscle spasms constantly that made sleep pretty much impossible.  It was all triggered by some fights I had with BPD sister and it was a disaster.  I even ended up getting a prescription for medical cannabis just so I could use it for sleep.  It was so crazy.   I took a total break from BPD sister for a couple months.  She would text me and I wouldn't respond.  If she was going to be at an event I skipped it.  Luckily, I was able to get myself back to normal during that break.  I am sleeping again and feel sane.  I needed that, as a bare minimum.

Now I have very limited contact with BPD sister.  Basically, I see her when I have to and don't talk to her in between events.  I saw her at her bachelorette party this weekend, for example, but since there were a lot of people I didn't talk to her one on one at all.  It wasn't too bad. 

Of course, like your sister, my BPD sister never takes accountability for anything.  It is so frustrating!  She can be incredibly mean and nasty to me, and I'm just supposed to sweep it under the rug.  I never get an apology or even any validation of my feelings.  BPD sister is "sensitive" so I just need to be the bigger person.  I've started to resent my other family members for constantly feeding into BPD sister, actually.  On the plus side, BPD sister really laid into my mom and other sister when she was hospitalized.  So, for the first time ever, they got a better feel for the crap I've been dealing with with her.  Finally, they are being more validating to me, which is a pleasant change.  I don't know if it will be a lasting change though.  My mom's already wavering and going back to her "BPD sister is just so sensitive" line of thinking. 

Anyway, for books I'm reading The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder.  I previously read Stop Walking on Eggshells, which is also co-authored by Randi Kreger.  Stop Walking on Eggshells seems to explain BPD behavior more, while the family guide is more focused on what actions you can take as a person with a BPD family member.  Both are good and because they're not brand new books I was able to get both from my public library. 

[Barilla]

I totally get where you are.  Six or so months ago I was in the same place. I  was in fight or flight mode 100% of the time.  I couldn't sleep.  I was having muscle spasms constantly that made sleep pretty much impossible.  It was all triggered by some fights I had with BPD sister and it was a disaster.  I even ended up getting a prescription for medical cannabis just so I could use it for sleep.  It was so crazy.   I took a total break from BPD sister for a couple months.  She would text me and I wouldn't respond.  If she was going to be at an event I skipped it.  Luckily, I was able to get myself back to normal during that break.  I am sleeping again and feel sane.  I needed that, as a bare minimum.

Now I have very limited contact with BPD sister.  Basically, I see her when I have to and don't talk to her in between events.  I saw her at her bachelorette party this weekend, for example, but since there were a lot of people I didn't talk to her one on one at all.  It wasn't too bad. 

Of course, like your sister, my BPD sister never takes accountability for anything.  It is so frustrating!  She can be incredibly mean and nasty to me, and I'm just supposed to sweep it under the rug.  I never get an apology or even any validation of my feelings.  BPD sister is "sensitive" so I just need to be the bigger person.  I've started to resent my other family members for constantly feeding into BPD sister, actually.  On the plus side, BPD sister really laid into my mom and other sister when she was hospitalized.  So, for the first time ever, they got a better feel for the crap I've been dealing with with her.  Finally, they are being more validating to me, which is a pleasant change.  I don't know if it will be a lasting change though.  My mom's already wavering and going back to her "BPD sister is just so sensitive" line of thinking. 

Anyway, for books I'm reading The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder.  I previously read Stop Walking on Eggshells, which is also co-authored by Randi Kreger.  Stop Walking on Eggshells seems to explain BPD behavior more, while the family guide is more focused on what actions you can take as a person with a BPD family member.  Both are good and because they're not brand new books I was able to get both from my public library. 

I am going to check out those books and see if I can get them on the Kindle from my library. Does your sister blame you or get upset when you don't have one on one time at the family events? Mine reads into so many little things and takes it as a personal attack against her.
I'm really glad you took time away from her - we are only helpful to other people when we have taken care of ourselves! 

[TheAllBadOne]

Hey Barilla

I'm in the exact same place as you. My younger sister has BPD and so does my mother. She doesn't realise she has it though. Her life keeps blowing up and she has no idea why. Then it becomes my problem to coach her though it. Job losses, financial ruins, affairs that don't last etc etc.

SO - I feel you.

Boundaries are only something I've really started to get firm on recently. I learnt that she launched an all mighty smear campaign against me and I was heartbroken. The things she said, despite being untrue, were heartbreaking. That I named my new daughter after my Nanna to get an inheritance lump sum, that I'm a shocking mother etc etc.

After the latest episode I did a few things that helped.
1. I didn't divulge ANY information that was personal as she has a habit of twisting my words.
2. I limited her access to my Facebook page so she couldn't see what I was up to.
3. I stopped speaking with her as often and ignored her calls until I was ready to talk. Previously I'd pick up day and night.
4. I never let on if I was struggling myself (mum of 2 littlies and a business, I'm always bloody struggling!) so she didn't feel the need to attack - she does that 'you don't know what hard is' yada yada.
5. I've started reading more on BPD to arm myself with the tools.

Sending you love and strength.

[YouHadMeAtHello]

I am going to check out those books and see if I can get them on the Kindle from my library. Does your sister blame you or get upset when you don't have one on one time at the family events? Mine reads into so many little things and takes it as a personal attack against her.
I'm really glad you took time away from her - we are only helpful to other people when we have taken care of ourselves! 

Oh yeah, my sister definitely reads into everything.  Over the summer, when I was really struggling and decided to take a break from her she was attacking me and I told her that I needed a break and couldn't talk to her right then.  She proceeded to text me a bunch of times and insisted that I see her Saturday when my mom and other sister were going to do something with her.  She said that if I didn't come that day she'd know I hated her and she would leave me alone forever.  Well, "forever" lasted about 4 hours. 

Currently my BPD sister must be feeling pretty good.  She wrote out this obnoxiously long thank you email and sent it to everyone who came to her bachelorette party.  That's one of her things, she writes these long, emotional and sweet notes to people in cards/emails/whatever.  I guess it's one of the ways she endears people to her.  But, having seen some of her less savory behaviors I find them to just be BS now.  I've become so cynical.  Anyway, that massive amount of attention, directed at her for 2 days, seems to have put her in a good mood.  It probably won't last even through this weekend, but I should be happy for the temporary peace. 

My BPD sister reads into everything.  If I don't agree to her last minute plans it's a sign that I don't like her or don't care about her, even though I've told her dozens of times that I cannot handle last minute plans (I fill all my free time, even if it's just a plan to watch a show I recorded 3 weeks ago and haven't gotten to yet).  So frustrating... .