pushed and pulled in all directions, but it will get better

[pearlsw]

wrote this to myself yesterday:

“today he made a relationship threat. i had told him i noticed i did not have so much patience for him today and thought i needed time to myself. he was actually being pretty sweet, but i noticed i was feeling impatient (he is very clingy) and wanted some time alone to compose myself.

he felt hurt and tried to leave the room we were in, but i asked him to stay and tried to calm him bit. he calmed down and stayed in the room. later, after he fell asleep, i left the room because i am a bit worn out being around someone suffering from depression all the time who won’t really give me a break to restore my energies. i ended up falling asleep anyway, which i did not want. another day half lost.

he later moved to another room to sleep some more and then later came to me and told me that he “could not be with me anymore” - essentially a break up threat.

we talked it over a bit. he calmed down and then declared he wanted to be with me for his whole life. he is impulsive and doesn’t quite get that things take time. healing takes time, with physical stuff and with relationships.

i decided to go ahead and let him know i do not love him as i did before. that he went too far with me in december/january (and november too. and may, june and july before that…and on and on…) and that i simply don’t feel the same. we have tentatively agreed to give our relationship until the fall to improve or end. there are a lot of issues we haven’t touched on - we can’t until the meds help him stabilize a bit more…be calm at least.”

today he is worried i don’t love him at all and will leave him. he asked me to promise to never stop loving him. push. pull. he apologized for the threat again and says he is “getting it” more what constitutes a threat and that that does a lot of damage to a person’s feelings for you. they might not want to be with you if you do that a thousand times.

i’ve told him that if we are giving this a “last push” we should consider how to make the most of this effort. honestly, i don’t want to try that hard at the moment, but…obligation. principle. promises. leaving it all on the field before calling it. sigh.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[heartandwhole]

i’ve told him that if we are giving this a “last push” we should consider how to make the most of this effort. honestly, i don’t want to try that hard at the moment, but…obligation. principle. promises. leaving it all on the field before calling it. sigh.

pearlsw,

This kind of thing is very tiring, to say the least. I can really understand your feelings. And also the principles that you live by.

There may come a day when you won't be able to muster up the principle anymore. Until then, I hope you will continue to take care of yourself as you navigate this difficult time of adjustment to medication, and repeated push/pulls.

In the state you seem to be in, I'd leave any big decisions on the back burner, and take it one day—even one hour—at a time. Keep checking in with yourself and speaking your truth, as you've been doing.

Do you think the stress of dealing with your partner's depression and other symptoms is affecting your ability to know what is best for you?

Hang in there, and keep us posted as you can. We care and want to support you.

heartandwhole

[Tattered Heart]

I know this year has been hard on you. It sounds like your conversation about your feelings changing got through--even if it was received as rejection.

Is he showing any improvement from the meds?

I think it's important for you to continue to carve out time for yourself. The neediness can be so overwhelming. I struggle with this too. When I'm home my H is always right there with me. When he falls asleep on the couch or in the rare moments that I have alone, I just want to do things for myself. But sometimes I end up taking a nap and feel like I wasted my precious alone time.

Do the two of you ever go out together? Are you still trying to start relationships in the community?

[pearlsw]

hi heartandwhole,

oh yes! i think this whole relationship has been a MAJOR test of my principles and at times i have fallen short. been a bit broken by this life experience really, but i am determined to have a better life. i remind myself that failing here and there doesn’t mean i have no principles and so i always try to rally back around them, my principles, my identity really, and go forward.

i am feeling a bit more detached and i am clear i won’t save this relationship at all costs anymore so that’s good. i try to follow the notion of treating him well despite what he has done or may do to me (within reason). mostly legal stuff i mean.

i feel like, on principle, i have to give him a last chance to “save” things…i would want someone to give me the same courtesy. but he has damaged my feelings and it felt good to be honest/more open about this. it has been horrible to not be totally honest with him about my feelings. the price of being with an extremely jealous person is very high! that and his off/on stuff perhaps created a dynamic that will ultimately make this relationship unviable. there is a fundamental piece that does not work and must be repaired if we are to go on.

i have always had to have one foot in and one foot out because of his off/on stuff. that is not sustainable so…no matter what he says i will keep a plan ready for a life in my home country. if i had it in place already i would probably already be out the door…i have zero tolerance left in me for threats.

we talked this over a bit too. he gets that i’m not gonna fight for him like before…and that the impact of such a threat is a huge psychological blow.

hey TH!

we haven’t tried since last year! we had a plan, but it was a bust. i am still pretty isolated, but starting more work soon so at least i’ll have more human contact.

part of me feels like we could make it, but…the limitations on me if we do may be too much. he would have to be less jealous/controlling. i would need to be able to be totally honest and open with him or i would not be comfortable in life. that is a high bar!

[pearlsw]

and... .he still sleeps a bit too much, but overall he now likes the meds and is glad for them. i feel a bit guilty i didn’t help get him on this path sooner. years ago.

[pearlsw]

some overall relationship problems/questions:

1. a bad/damaging pattern of breakups. can we trust each other enough to go on?
2. how kid’s visits are handled. we plan, but it never works well. he changes so suddenly. tosses our agreements out.
3. he doesn’t speak with me much, but also does not want me away from him. can i have a normal, independent life with him as i’ve known before?
4. relationship feels a bit superficial because i can’t fully share my thoughts/emotions.
5. difficulties of living/working in another country/being an immigrant.
6. is my life satisfying enough? how can i accomplish more here or elsewhere?
7. do i like who i am in this relationship? am i better off alone or recoupled?
8. lack of shared problem solving/communication skills. do i have the energy to lead/teach/support with this?
9. do i feel truly loved and seen and understood by him?

things paralyzing me:

1. hard to leave someone who is ill…but don’t want to tolerate any emotional abuse.
2. i am strongly (just for myself) against divorce/breakups, but have ended relationships before.
3. hard to quit/give up - have i given it my all/tried everything?
4. breakups are very painful for me - like death.
5. does making this relationship work…redeem it…redeem all the terrible things we lived through and pain we caused each other?
6. wanted this to be my forever/last relationship.
7. although he showed little regard for me at times, i do not want to hurt him. at all.

[CryWolf]

things paralyzing me:

1. hard to leave someone who is ill…but don’t want to tolerate any emotional abuse.
2. i am strongly (just for myself) against divorce/breakups, but have ended relationships before.
3. hard to quit/give up - have i given it my all/tried everything?
4. breakups are very painful for me - like death.
5. does making this relationship work…redeem it…redeem all the terrible things we lived through and pain we caused each other?
6. wanted this to be my forever/last relationship.
7. although he showed little regard for me at times, i do not want to hurt him. at all.

Wow Pearl,
this sums up how I feel too. I question myself and ask these all the time as to why I love my partner despite the abuse.

[pearlsw]

Hi Crywolf,

Thanks for sharing - it really helps me feel less alone to be here with others.

The first 2.5 yr’s of my relationship were long-distance and there were some pretty unique circumstances so I cut my partner a lot of slack early on, but things went pretty far down. I stood by him through a lot of tough times, but my life got very lost in the process.

Now that he is taking medication some things are improving, but after all this damage (over 7.5 yrs together) and without a good foundation…it feels like a lot of work and risk for me to keep waiting and hoping for improvement. Not sure how much more I want to invest, but…I feel pulled by duty to push myself to try.

It feels like I have a lot of “should” messages in my head that I am replaying…and my insides feel full of contradiction and confusion. My values and principles are in conflict with some elements of the reality I live with. It sometimes feels like a tug of war between his reality and mine. It feels bad though that’s he’s really trying now and I’m not fully trying…yet? Can I? Should I?

thanks again, pearl.

[pearlsw]

as late as last fall i could still say he was someone i loved and was proud of. if he hurt, i felt hurt.

i hate to say it, but he has treated me worse than all the other people in my life put together. he has intentionally punished me, scared me, humiliated, threatened, and mistreated me.

i still see him through the eyes of compassion. he’s a sweet, innocent human who wants to love and be loved. he is deeply ashamed and sorry and wants to be forgiven and loved. he would understand, he says, if i left him after all that’s happened.

[heartandwhole]

i still see him through the eyes of compassion.

You certainly do, pearlsw. I just hope that that big reservoir of compassion is extended toward yourself as well. 

[pearlsw]

last night we watched an old movie together. there were themes of domestic violence in it. i am normally silent during movies and rarely move to tears by film viewing. i’d seen the movie when it first came out many years ago. but still, seeing the main character endure so many beatings was tough to watch. of course i was rooting for, and not always silently, the main character enduring the hard marriage. i had a few tears seeing her sweet face torn up time and again. i remembered she had turned to buddhism at some point and how it had transformed her life, given her peace.

i forget sometimes how much films impact him…his response afterwards though stunned me into silence.

he asked me if i thought he was a monster like the main character’s husband, and said he had been punching my heart all these years like (the film character) had punched his wife. are you trapped with me? do you feel this way?

i was silent. i can think on my feet and am rarely rendered speechless.

i do feel a bit trapped, and need to untangle that more, but i had never spoken of it…and here the topic was out on the table, but i didn’t want to pick it up or express it unguarded…but i want to express more about this here sometime…

sinking deeper in he asked…

because she was abandoned as a kid she didn’t want to abandon anyone…am i with him because of this he asked? because my dad died and i don't want to abandon him... .

i was surprised at how insightful he was being…poor guy. he went to bed depressed. it was also a few too many beers with is anti-depressant i think…and naturally i tried to comfort him and get him to see the overall positive message of the movie…

funny how he dug up so much though…mind blown.

thanks very much heartandwhole…yes, compassion for myself and looking at myself instead of him all the time is certainly an important practice! thanks for the warmth and kindness!

[MyBPD_friend]

last night we watched an old movie together. there were themes of domestic violence in it. i am normally silent during movies and rarely move to tears by film viewing. i’d seen the movie when it first came out many years ago. but still, seeing the main character endure so many beatings was tough to watch. of course i was rooting for, and not always silently, the main character enduring the hard marriage. i had a few tears seeing her sweet face torn up time and again. i remembered she had turned to buddhism at some point and how it had transformed her life, given her peace.

i forget sometimes how much films impact him…his response afterwards though stunned me into silence.

he asked me if i thought he was a monster like the main character’s husband, and said he had been punching my heart all these years like (the film character) had punched his wife. are you trapped with me? do you feel this way?

i was silent. i can think on my feet and am rarely rendered speechless.

i do feel a bit trapped, and need to untangle that more, but i had never spoken of it…and here the topic was out on the table, but i didn’t want to pick it up or express it unguarded…but i want to express more about this here sometime…

sinking deeper in he asked…

because she was abandoned as a kid she didn’t want to abandon anyone…am i with him because of this he asked? because my dad died and i don't want to abandon him... .

i was surprised at how insightful he was being…poor guy. he went to bed depressed. it was also a few too many beers with is anti-depressant i think…and naturally i tried to comfort him and get him to see the overall positive message of the movie…

funny how he dug up so much though…mind blown.

thanks very much heartandwhole…yes, compassion for myself and looking at myself instead of him all the time is certainly an important practice! thanks for the warmth and kindness!

Hi pearlsw,

I understand the situation you're in. Between the lines, you menton a lot of psychological issues that seem to be connceted to many BPD couples and their partners.

Lately, actually for almost a year now, I've been thinking and reading (studying) a lot about the deeper conncetion between my BPD female friend and myself.
Out fast and extremely intense first and second meeting, liking eachother, her love bombing and so on has some fundamental reasons and background.
After reading the text 'lonly child / dainly strength', https://www.dailystrength.org/group/physical-emotional-abuse/discussion/lonly-child I understood so much about myself and my BPD friend.

I've gone through multiple terrible traumas as a young boy and later, she also did and I only know part of that.

I also learned to try to separate my deep feelings for this woman from the inner connection and obvious attachment, caused by our traumas.
I learned that seing her, feeling for her, was lot about myself, much more than about her. I saw my childhood in her, my relationship with my parents and how poor they were dealing with my trauma.

Perhaps it would be very wise to look into your fears of abandenment and where it originated.

Best wishes for you

[pearlsw]

hi MyBPD_friend,

thanks for sharing here! to clarify... .i am not afraid, at all, of being abandoned. i hesitate to "abandon" anyone else. but i have broken up before... .after lots of work ahead of time. sometimes you simply must let go of someone. but it is interesting what you suggest about trauma. i think i underestimated my partner's traumas... .and that makes me sad. he needed help much, much sooner! i am working with my wounds over all that has happened between us... .i notice i had a lot of memory flashes today... .it's a lot to process!

  pearl.

[pearlsw]

An update:

His medicine is working now and he’s genuinely happy he started taking it. He laughs, smiles, jokes, is very funny (we laugh so hard it hurts), kinder, more considerate. He backs off his break up threats and it sinks in more and more he should not go to the nuclear option.

I’m reading about boundaries and teaching him a bit about relationship repairs and he’s doing them. We had a problem today and he fixed it - very fast!  If it wasn’t for our past history it would almost seem like we are a “normal” couple I thought to myself today, though I don’t want to let my guard down completely. I have no trust in “the future”.

The big problem now is me. I am not so excited about him. But he’s calm and well enough that we may have the ability to talk such things over. He tends to want affirmations I am in love with him in a big way (I can’t give those. His off/on stuff broke me in that sense and I may not recover enough to strongly want him.) And actually last night I was in tears because after thinking he had listened and was responding well to my emotions…he slipped towards a break up threat and I broke into tears thinking he might not take me to the doctor today and I was just overcome (health issues and messing them are a red line for me) and he ignored my obvious pain…

He told me later he just fell asleep and was sorry to have not responded better.  He drinks a bit and it knocks him out pretty fast sometimes in combo with the meds. We also have a back story of him tending not comfort if I ever get hurt so…It hurts because I know I would comfort him under any circumstance but he turns away. In fairness, he told me he would take me to the doctor, but I think I cried just because I know what he is capable of in this regards.

I know the low level of comforting me is  because he sometimes cannot handle another’s emotions and just shuts down, but still…it reminds of this one day from my childhood I have never quite forgotten. I can still picture myself crying in a heap on the floor and my mom just walking away and never coming back…Anyway…I barely ask others for any emotional support and I…I can give it but I have rarely gotten enough of it in return…or there is something there…I think such things made me so independent and self-reliant in life, that feeling you can’t quite rely on others…can’t relax into knowing that anyone else will ever really reliably be there for you. I dunno. Hmm. Oh well!

I’ve been brave enough to reveal more of my inner thoughts instead of walking on eggshells. Just letting it all hang out, well more, not all, instead of being so guarded. I worry later I am too honest or bold, but I let the chips fall where they may. I want to just be myself like I would with a non.

All I can do now is let time pass and see how life flows.

[pearlsw]

Now that my SO can function a bit better, with the help of medication, I am seeing that we get along pretty well on any given day. The hard part is we really have little experience with handling difficult topics and due to his emotional sensitivity and memory issues it is…challenging to revisit things. I am not sure how much of the past is worth bringing up. We both have talked about wiping the slate clean and starting fresh…but I feel like we would just be setting ourselves for more poor communication.

I praised him yesterday on a “relationship repair” he did after he was hurt by something I said. I followed up with more validating and making sure he understood I did not mean to criticize.

I have been able to talk over with him my fears he will mess with some extra work I’ve taken on as it involves a new routine for us. I will be driving to other cities two days a week and I told him I take these responsibilities seriously and how I am afraid he will get mad and then try to punish me by not allowing me to drive to work. He’s never done this mind you, but he has cancelled appointments in the past and left me to fend for myself in very unkind ways.

In my mind this will be a red line for me if he does interfere in my work even once. I am very responsible so I will have a back up plan in place - to take the train. I’d just take the train now but it is too expensive on a regular basis. He has agreed to not interfere and is overall sad and sorry that I am sometimes not able to count on him because of things he’s done/said in the past.