And just like that, I'm so much less alone on this planet

[findingmypeace]

Found this BPD community via "stop walking on eggshells" and have been weeping all day long, with relief. My S/O is not diagnosed but after months of my own research (so desperate for answers!) and finding this book and this website, I'm convinced I've found the path to some answers and belonging.

I've been with S/O for 2+ years, one break up (initiated by me) at the 1 year mark... .so this is our second attempt at making it work. Just by being "me" I trigger him and so I've twisted myself out of shape in an effort to stop triggering him. I've spent plenty of time feeling like everything is my fault (he agrees!) and that I can fix it by changing who I am. I have become completely isolated and have made many choices that have lead me to a feeling of "lost" or "upside down" or just plain "outside of myself." I barely recognize the woman in the mirror any more. I don't blame him... .I know I've made these choices. If we continue with our current patterns, we will absolutely not survive another month.

I'm here seeking answers to turn things around, to better cope with his behavior, to hold on to myself and be resilient in spite of our difficult relationship. If it is right for me to stay in this relationship, I would like to learn the skills that will make the relationship better while I'm in it. If I am to leave the relationship, I would like to learn how to exit kindly and gracefully while keeping myself intact.

Looking forward to reading about you and yours, learning from you all, and offering my own insights and experiences. So grateful to be here.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Speck]

Welcome, findingmypeace!

 

I wanted to take a moment to welcome you to the discussion forums. I'm so sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other. From what you have written, it seems clear you will get good ideas and support here if you continue to read and post.

In short, you have found the best place in the world for understanding, compassion, and education as it relates to coping with loved ones who have personality disorders. I was a little scared when I joined, but mostly about having my fears confirmed. Now that they have been, I'm feeling much better. 

Thank you for sharing with us what you have thus far:

I'm here seeking answers to turn things around, to better cope with his behavior, to hold on to myself and be resilient in spite of our difficult relationship. If it is right for me to stay in this relationship, I would like to learn the skills that will make the relationship better while I'm in it. If I am to leave the relationship, I would like to learn how to exit kindly and gracefully while keeping myself intact.

I just have to applaud you for being willing to continue to put forth effort into understanding your SO. In my opinion, that's true love. This site is rather HUGE, however, there are many, many articles related to bettering your relationship with the angle of using healthy communication techniques, setting needed boundaries, and validating what is valid. You will find these articles scrolling in the right-handed panel on this board. We can help you with questions, point you in the direction of additional resources, or just be a sounding board.

What behaviors is your SO exhibiting that is causing you the most problems?

Please feel free to let us know how best to support you by fleshing out your intro post with a little bit of a backstory. It helps you to get it out, and it helps others when they see that they are not the only ones suffering. We look forward to hearing more from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome findingmypeace

So glad you found us! I know the relief of finding out about BPD and then finding this forum. I want to let you know there is hope. It's lots of hard work, but you can find a whole new way of living here if you are willing to put in the work.

What would you say is the one thing you want to work on the most? Or that you struggle with the most?

[NGU]

And just like that, I'm so much less alone on this planet!

Nice. You know all those people who won't listen, or can't listen, or would judge you as a person, or would judge your relationship?

They're not here.

Instead, you get a group of people who understand it, and have lived it. There are still days where I find it hard to accept that this place, and that book, are real. What brings me back to reality is how incredibly accurate all of it is. That book and "I Hate You Don't Leave Me" are like windows into my wife's world, to a point where sometimes I think she's actually using them as a playbook.

Obviously knowing this place exists is a help. Same with the tools and concepts. And writing everything down is cathartic.

Hope to hear back from you.
 
-ngu

[Speck]

Hello again, findingmypeace:

How are things going since you last shared?

We're here if you need to talk.


-Speck

[inthemiddle1]

Hi findingmypeace

I know exactly how you feel! When I made my first post on here, I spent the entire next days crying with tears of joy that someone out there was going through similar experiences and not judging either of us in our relationship and just generally being there to give advice and taking the time out of their days to read about my problems!

This place is amazing for the support you need to carry on and learn valuable lessons to help cope and better your relationship with your BPD bf or gf!

So happy you’ve found me this place! We are here if you need to talk.

[waverider]

You are not alone. You will hear your story over and over again but from the words and stories of others. The unique problems you thought you had, are not unique, they are well documented and there are proven ways to substantially reduce the amount of damage you take on board.

Whether your relationship survives or not you will have a full understanding as to why, and know you have done your best. You will then be able to live with your choice, as it will be a choice, not just a default.

Your goal is to thrive, not just survive. 

[Speck]

Hey, findingmypeace!

Just checking in with you to see how you're doing.

I hope that you are in a better place and are finding your way.


-Speck