I recognize the drama triangle in our relationship. I need to recognize my role

[clover08]

Where to start? Maybe by saying, "I need help."

For 15 years I've been married to someone who's been diagnosed with BPD and bipolar. We have two children together.

A few weeks ago, I found a letter that seems to suggest she's lied to her psychiatrist about her symptoms/history. It *could* be a misunderstanding - a combination of her psychiatrist getting one fact wrong and me misremembering another - but that letter is starting off a chain reaction in me. Suddenly, I'm daring to think that maybe it's not always me misunderstanding and misremembering; me being overly suspicious. Maybe she actually does lie and exaggerate to get what she wants.

A friend thought she had done this about ten years ago, and her former employer made a similar accusation too, so maybe it's not just me. Maybe.

I've read Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist and I recognise the drama triangle in our relationship, big time. I need to recognise my role in this. I have rescued her over and over again, believing I was being kind and helpful. I have lost myself in the process. My self-esteem, self-confidence and self-respect are at rock bottom. I have no close friends, no one to confide in. I've allowed myself to be controlled and manipulated by her parents - when she (and her siblings) wouldn't acknowledge there was anything wrong with their behaviour, I doubted my own perceptions. I've allowed myself to believe I'm selfish and don't do enough for others when I'm drained from all the help I'm giving her (mostly financial, which involves me working longer hours and burning myself out). Sorry if I'm rambling.

Something needs to change. And I know it won't be her, so it has to be me. But how? I think I understand the theory, but where do I find the strength? I feel broken and isolated and as though I have nothing more to give, even to myself.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi clover08,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time. Margalis Fjelstad suggests to surround yourself with family and friends because a pwBPD say mostly negative things about you - distortions. I completely understand how emotionally distressing the future can feel when you're in a r/s with a pwBPD and you're not sure what to do. You're not alone the strength is drawn from wisdom of the support group, we've been through your shoes you can talk to us , it helps to talk about your experience with people that understand what a r/s is like with a pwBPD. Don't be hard on yourself . Can you give us an example of times that you have rescued her?

[Tattered Heart]

Hi clover80

Welcome I'm sorry that you are feeling so hopeless. You've found the right place for healing though. I just want to encourage you to know that the place you are at now is not something that happened overnight. It takes time to begin healing but if you are willing, you can get there. There is hope. Start with little steps. Each step will allow you to find more and more freedom.

What would you say is the one thing that you need help with the most right now?

[Teno]

I so understand as I could almost wright down the exact same events and feelings.

The best thing I started doing for myself in the morning is pat myself on the back: you a good guy, dad, hard worker etc.

I even jokingly thought: I'm even the best at being annoying and jeoulos around here.

Praise yourself and others. Kids, wife and even strangers. People like it and in return you get a warm feeling.

I bousted openly at the breakfast table, something I would never do. The wife went into a rant, but kids modelled that positivity.

Praise yourself, you are brave enough to understand change starts in yourself.

[ClingToHope]

I’m pretty new in the taking back myself adventure so advice I do not have.
A big hearty ((hug) to you
Posting on here was an empowering step for me and I hope you will find it the same.
Even when you have a what the heck statement or a how do I respond to this action question it makes it easier to take the small steps forward with input from others

You’ve carried more crap on you than you even knew so as you peel back the layers and some may sting remind yourself we are here for whatever and you are not alone.
All the best
CTH

[clover08]

Thank you all for your lovely supportive replies.

I think the one thing I need help with right now is feeling overwhelmed. I've been in denial about my relationship (and my in-laws' behaviour) for a very long time. Now I'm being honest with myself, there is a hell of a lot of stuff to process. My brain feels like a sieve, full of holes. I don't know what I should be doing out of a million and one possible options and I'm struggling to find the words to describe my situation. Can anyone relate to that? What helped?

I'm taking little steps, thanks Tattered Heart. One of the biggest is that I now tell my wife what I'm going to do, in terms of work hours (I'm self-employed) and social activities, rather than asking her if it's OK. If she feels she can't cope alone, she needs to find other people to support her at those times. I feel horribly selfish doing this because I know she's especially depressed at the moment but it's something I need to do for my own sanity. I had a long chat with a friend who raised concerns about my relationship years ago... .she's being supportive. I've also made an appointment with a charity that supports people whose family/partners have mental health problems. I can get support and hopefully some therapy through them.

To answer mutt's question about ways I've rescued her: our financial situation is a good example of this. I work full time, running my own business, and for years I've been really struggling to earn as much as we spend. I created a role for my wife in the business after a string of failed jobs (this hasn't been all her fault, but I'd say the general pattern is she doesn't put in enough effort / takes too much sick leave and then her employer acts inappropriately/illegally to get rid of her). She brings very little money in, but we still pay for childcare for our daughter because in theory my wife is "working" and because when she's feeling too ill to work (which is more often than not), she doesn't feel able to be a full-time stay-at-home parent either. I've taken this burden all upon myself and tried everything I can think of to earn more/spend less, not acknowledging the real cause of the problem. The friend I spoke to recently said that my wife needs to choose whether she wants to work, be a SAHM, or claim disability benefits if she is genuinely unable to do either... .but my wife is good at sidling out of making a commitment of this sort by saying that she will do something, then never getting around to actually doing it. And it seems I am easily confused and manipulated.

Advice is very welcome!

clover