Did my ex have BPD?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My ex and I were together for over two years and she broke up with me almost 6 months ago. I am still very upset about it and stuck trying to make sense of her erratic behavior. I know I should just move on, but I keep wondering if she was borderline.

When we first started dating she was immediately all in- she spent $700 on concert tickets and suggested I fly across the country to meet her parents within the first two weeks of meeting her. When I said I would like to take things more slowly, she suddenly just wanted to date casually and strung me along for almost 6 months, fluctuating between being very interested and pulling away. Several times we almost ended things which said was because she was not over her ex, but she kept pulling me back in. The more interested I got the less interested she was in having a committed relationship and the more interested in just "dating". Eventually we did get into a serious relationship and I moved in. I began to notice that she drank really heavily, would often go back on things she said/change her mind and would refuse to acknowledge it or act like it wasn't a big deal, etc. About a year into the relationship, she said she felt depressed and missed home and wanted to move back when the lease was up (which wasn't for another 10 months). Mind you, we had met almost immediately after she had moved to my area, and in a year she had not made any friends nor attempted to make friends. When I suggested she do so she said she had tried before we met (I pressed her on this, because she had once told me that the night we met was the first time she'd been out in the city... .she responded by saying she had been to the movies once which seems like a ridiculous answer, because who makes friends at the movies?). Anyways, after she mentioned moving, the next 4-5 months were torture... .we broke up several times, she treated me really badly and like I basically didn't matter at all, but once and awhile she would be all over me. I went home with her for Christmas and on Christmas Eve we sat in a grocery store parking lot arguing because she basically said she didn't really want to be with me anymore. I was really upset and taking about flying home, and eventually she said she refused to talk about it anymore. We went into the store, and she was hanging all over me. It was just really bizarre.

About 4 months before the lease is up, she says she's definitely moving and does not want me to come with her. I accept this but we are still living together and dating, although I also begin to date other people (which she knew about). Suddenly, she tells me she feels like she's falling in love with me for the first time, is so sorry for the way she treated me and grateful I stuck around, etc. She's talking about marrying me and having kids again (which, both times, seemed like too much too soon). It seems really odd to me but I decided to trust her and for awhile things are good. She is suddenly interested in sex again, seems to have more motivation to pursue career goals/plan for the future than before, etc. We end up renewing the lease together, but shortly after she basically has a breakdown, says she's really depressed and wants to go home, but wants me to go with her. I say I don't want to, because I don't want to live where she's from. One day I remember her crying on the floor saying she's felt empty her whole adult life and doesn't know why. She soon decides she's going to move home and for about 5 months until she does it's back to the back and forth... .one day she "just knows" we're not meant to be together, the next she's talking about me moving with her eventually. When she left, we were still dating and the night before she left, she said the separation was "not forever". We ended up going on a vacation together about a week after she moved, and the last night of it she sobbed about how she would miss me so much (she wasn't drunk). She ended up breaking up with me about a week later over the phone, because she said she just wanted to be single and alone, wasn't interested in dating/sex/relationships. This was also what she had said before she moved often, that she just needed to live alone to "work on her own happiness". I find out she immediately begins dating and she's now in a relationship with someone who she never in a million years would have dated before. She is physically and personality wise very different from her type and I have trouble understanding how the other person is involved in this, because she seems like an ultra-feminist and my ex hated talking about feminism/anything PC. However, she's pretty chameleon like and probably putting on a good show for this chick.

I should also mention she had a pretty messed up childhood... .parents had her when they were 19, mom went through 3 marriages and left her with her grandmother a lot growing up. She would often say her parents never really wanted her, she thought one of the reasons she was gay was because she didn't get enough love from her mom growing up (really weird), I was the only person who had ever believed in her and loved her unconditionally. She also kept talking about how one of the reasons she wanted to move home was because she missed her friends, but she didn't seem to have any close friendships at all... .basically just knew a lot of people she used to go out with, but nobody she'd actually talk to regularly about life.

Even writing all this it's pretty obvious I should have gotten out much sooner, but she was/is extremely charming and seemingly sincere. One of the things that makes me wonder if she actually is borderline, however, is that she never really got angry. Instead she would just completely shut down. And anytime I threatened to leave because she was treating me like crap, she acted completely indifferently. There was never any begging or anything, although ultimately she would reel me back in by being sweet again.

Thoughts? I've often thought maybe she has bipolar II, but maybe she has both bipolar II and BPD? Or maybe neither and is just super screwed up? I just want a better understanding because I still feel like maybe I'm the crazy one, which everyone in my life assures me isn't the case, but I don't understand why she had this kind of hold/effect on me. I sent her a very angry message after finding about about her new gf and she responded telling me I have always been cruel and unkind which made me second-guess myself, even though I think my behavior is justified. I'm just so confused and don't know what the truth is anymore.

Sorry for such a long message.

[abv221]

My ex and I were together for over two years and she broke up with me almost 6 months ago. I am still very upset about it and stuck trying to make sense of her erratic behavior. I know I should just move on, but I keep wondering if she was borderline.

When we first started dating she was immediately all in- she spent $700 on concert tickets and suggested I fly across the country to meet her parents within the first two weeks of meeting her. When I said I would like to take things more slowly, she suddenly just wanted to date casually and strung me along for almost 6 months, fluctuating between being very interested and pulling away. Several times we almost ended things which said was because she was not over her ex, but she kept pulling me back in. The more interested I got the less interested she was in having a committed relationship and the more interested in just "dating". Eventually we did get into a serious relationship and I moved in. I began to notice that she drank really heavily, would often go back on things she said/change her mind and would refuse to acknowledge it or act like it wasn't a big deal, etc. About a year into the relationship, she said she felt depressed and missed home and wanted to move back when the lease was up (which wasn't for another 10 months). Mind you, we had met almost immediately after she had moved to my area, and in a year she had not made any friends nor attempted to make friends. When I suggested she do so she said she had tried before we met (I pressed her on this, because she had once told me that the night we met was the first time she'd been out in the city... .she responded by saying she had been to the movies once which seems like a ridiculous answer, because who makes friends at the movies?). Anyways, after she mentioned moving, the next 4-5 months were torture... .we broke up several times, she treated me really badly and like I basically didn't matter at all, but once and awhile she would be all over me. I went home with her for Christmas and on Christmas Eve we sat in a grocery store parking lot arguing because she basically said she didn't really want to be with me anymore. I was really upset and taking about flying home, and eventually she said she refused to talk about it anymore. We went into the store, and she was hanging all over me. It was just really bizarre.

About 4 months before the lease is up, she says she's definitely moving and does not want me to come with her. I accept this but we are still living together and dating, although I also begin to date other people (which she knew about). Suddenly, she tells me she feels like she's falling in love with me for the first time, is so sorry for the way she treated me and grateful I stuck around, etc. She's talking about marrying me and having kids again (which, both times, seemed like too much too soon). It seems really odd to me but I decided to trust her and for awhile things are good. She is suddenly interested in sex again, seems to have more motivation to pursue career goals/plan for the future than before, etc. We end up renewing the lease together, but shortly after she basically has a breakdown, says she's really depressed and wants to go home, but wants me to go with her. I say I don't want to, because I don't want to live where she's from. One day I remember her crying on the floor saying she's felt empty her whole adult life and doesn't know why. She soon decides she's going to move home and for about 5 months until she does it's back to the back and forth... .one day she "just knows" we're not meant to be together, the next she's talking about me moving with her eventually. When she left, we were still dating and the night before she left, she said the separation was "not forever". We ended up going on a vacation together about a week after she moved, and the last night of it she sobbed about how she would miss me so much (she wasn't drunk). She ended up breaking up with me about a week later over the phone, because she said she just wanted to be single and alone, wasn't interested in dating/sex/relationships. This was also what she had said before she moved often, that she just needed to live alone to "work on her own happiness". I find out she immediately begins dating and she's now in a relationship with someone who she never in a million years would have dated before. She is physically and personality wise very different from her type and I have trouble understanding how the other person is involved in this, because she seems like an ultra-feminist and my ex hated talking about feminism/anything PC. However, she's pretty chameleon like and probably putting on a good show for this chick.

I should also mention she had a pretty messed up childhood... .parents had her when they were 19, mom went through 3 marriages and left her with her grandmother a lot growing up. She would often say her parents never really wanted her, she thought one of the reasons she was gay was because she didn't get enough love from her mom growing up (really weird), I was the only person who had ever believed in her and loved her unconditionally. She also kept talking about how one of the reasons she wanted to move home was because she missed her friends, but she didn't seem to have any close friendships at all... .basically just knew a lot of people she used to go out with, but nobody she'd actually talk to regularly about life.

Even writing all this it's pretty obvious I should have gotten out much sooner, but she was/is extremely charming and seemingly sincere. One of the things that makes me wonder if she actually is borderline, however, is that she never really got angry. Instead she would just completely shut down. And anytime I threatened to leave because she was treating me like crap, she acted completely indifferently. There was never any begging or anything, although ultimately she would reel me back in by being sweet again.

Thoughts? I've often thought maybe she has bipolar II, but maybe she has both bipolar II and BPD? Or maybe neither and is just super screwed up? I just want a better understanding because I still feel like maybe I'm the crazy one, which everyone in my life assures me isn't the case, but I don't understand why she had this kind of hold/effect on me. I sent her a very angry message after finding about about her new gf and she responded telling me I have always been cruel and unkind which made me second-guess myself, even though I think my behavior is justified. I'm just so confused and don't know what the truth is anymore.

Sorry for such a long message.

[Mutt]

Hi abv221,



Id like to welcome you to bpdfamily. Im glad that you found us. You’re not crazy you’re sensible you spotted the red flags.

BPD is a spectrum disorder, pwBPD have different traits and different severity of the disorder. To paraphrase Skip a lot of our members here have exes that fall under subclinical. We don’t focus on diagnosis what we focus on are BPD behaviours.

A couple of things stuck out for me sense of self and push pull behaviour she could be the silent BPD type not all pwBPD direct anger at loved ones some direct the anger inward.

A the center of the disorder is abandonment, abandonment fears the core would of abandonment. PwBPD are deathly afraid of being left alone and will frantically try to avoid being abandoned. The closeness of a r/s triggers the disorder a pwBPD want adult emotional intimacy but it causes them to push people that they love away, the distance then triggers abandonment fears so a pwBPD will pull this push pull behaviour feels like crazy making behaviour.

I just want to share something quickly I recall clearly one night my exuBPDw was upset and she went into a borderline rage and I got upset and fed up I put with it for years, she wanted me out of the house so I left then minutes later after I’m out of the house she’s calling my cell phone asking when I’ll be back I was furious and I was walking on eggshells.

Back to you, the other thing is a pwBPD don’t have a fully developed sense of self, like you said they have chameleon like behaviours with how they mirror others. PwBPD say that they have chronic feelings of emptiness, feel like they don’t know who they are they may change friends, goals, carreers frequently.

I completely understand the pain that a pwBPD cause when they leave you. You’re not alone. Do you guys keep in touch?

[abv221]

Hi abv221,



Id like to welcome you to bpdfamily. Im glad that you found us. You’re not crazy you’re sensible you spotted the red flags.

BPD is a spectrum disorder, pwBPD have different traits and different severity of the disorder. To paraphrase Skip a lot of our members here have exes that fall under subclinical. We don’t focus on diagnosis what we focus on are BPD behaviours.

A couple of things stuck out for me sense of self and push pull behaviour she could be the silent BPD type not all pwBPD direct anger at loved ones some direct the anger inward.

A the center of the disorder is abandonment, abandonment fears the core would of abandonment. PwBPD are deathly afraid of being left alone and will frantically try to avoid being abandoned. The closeness of a r/s triggers the disorder a pwBPD want adult emotional intimacy but it causes them to push people that they love away, the distance then triggers abandonment fears so a pwBPD will pull this push pull behaviour feels like crazy making behaviour.

I just want to share something quickly I recall clearly one night my exuBPDw was upset and she went into a borderline rage and I got upset and fed up I put with it for years, she wanted me out of the house so I left then minutes later after I’m out of the house she’s calling my cell phone asking when I’ll be back I was furious and I was walking on eggshells.

Back to you, the other thing is a pwBPD don’t have a fully developed sense of self, like you said they have chameleon like behaviours with how they mirror others. PwBPD say that they have chronic feelings of emptiness, feel like they don’t know who they are they may change friends, goals, carreers frequently.

I completely understand the pain that a pwBPD cause when they leave you. You’re not alone. Do you guys keep in touch?

Thank you for your response! We are not speaking anymore. She actually sent me an email about a month ago apologizing for her behavior and telling me she didn't know what she was doing because she was "so sick". She is convinced she was just depressed and that moving automatically fixed it. She actually got prescribed Lexapro while we were still together, and after two days of taking 5mg of it said she felt completely better which was insane. I found out about the new relationship after the apology and got really angry with her and now we're not in contact. I've blocked her on all social media, too.

[Mutt]

Hi abv221,

Ok the reason why I ask is you know how painful a breakup with a pwBPD is, a pwBPD lack of impulse control , dissociation etc is hard to cope with while you’re wounded and you’re trying to heal it prolongs your recovery period. I’m not saying to never talk again what I am saying is give yourself self compassion for now by self protecting, self protection in the form no contact will give you the adequate time and space for you to work through this.

You can contemplate later when you feel like you have the strength to contact without the experience making you feel like you’re wobbling. What do you think?

[abv221]

Hi abv221,

Ok the reason why I ask is you know how painful a breakup with a pwBPD is, a pwBPD lack of impulse control , dissociation etc is hard to cope with while you’re wounded and you’re trying to heal it prolongs your recovery period. I’m not saying to never talk again what I am saying is give yourself self compassion for now by self protecting, self protection in the form no contact will give you the adequate time and space for you to work through this.

You can contemplate later when you feel like you have the strength to contact without the experience making you feel like you’re wobbling. What do you think?

Yes I agree, and I am doing well with NC. We sent a few emails back and forth and I feel I said all I needed to say. For awhile I believed that if I showed her that I was able to love and forgive her through everything eventually she would realize how good I was to her and come back, but now I really doubt it. She's not trying to contact me and I highly, highly doubt she ever will in any meaningful way. It's just not her personality. If her current relationship doesn't work out, she'll just move on to someone else.

Unfortunately I'm still having a really hard time and think about her/miss her constantly. It doesn't make sense that I want to be with someone with so many issues and who was so terrible to me, but I do. And it makes me sad to think she may never get a proper diagnosis or seek proper treatment.

[Shawnlam]

I know the feeling of being sad knowing that we are aware of their ailment BPD,and they don’t.But honestly as much as we miss and love them so much ,we were not put on this planet to fix them.(as mean as that sounds).What also hurts the most is knowing they have moved on from us (people who still love them),without a care in a world and will continue to do so for the rest of their life.As I’m literally typing this I’m feeling that pain knowing I lost her and she isn’t really thinking of me and moved on BUT I’m taking it a lot less personally knowing what BPD is. I also miss her terribly but yet again knowing she doesn’t for me and BPD being the reason it hurts less if that makes sense?

I hope it helps you knowing you are not alone,your are not the last that will be one of her victims and that you got out with no children,mortgage or court requirements like lots of folks here.Two years is a long time to have lost but some here have been much longer.Feel free to ask or say anything on your mind

[abv221]

I know the feeling of being sad knowing that we are aware of their ailment BPD,and they don’t.But honestly as much as we miss and love them so much ,we were not put on this planet to fix them.(as mean as that sounds).What also hurts the most is knowing they have moved on from us (people who still love them),without a care in a world and will continue to do so for the rest of their life.As I’m literally typing this I’m feeling that pain knowing I lost her and she isn’t really thinking of me and moved on BUT I’m taking it a lot less personally knowing what BPD is. I also miss her terribly but yet again knowing she doesn’t for me and BPD being the reason it hurts less if that makes sense?

I hope it helps you knowing you are not alone,your are not the last that will be one of her victims and that you got out with no children,mortgage or court requirements like lots of folks here.Two years is a long time to have lost but some here have been much longer.Feel free to ask or say anything on your mind

That is very true. I just second guess myself and wonder if I'm making up, like maybe she is the sane one and I am not. I just wish I knew for sure if I was right about this.

[lighthouse9]

Hey ABV,

I'd also like to welcome you here. I just responded to your other post, but cycled back to catch up on your thread here.

I just second guess myself and wonder if I'm making up, like maybe she is the sane one and I am not. I just wish I knew for sure if I was right about this.

Whew I hear you there. When my wife left, I apologized profusely for so many things that I believed I had done and I really felt like I was nuts. I blamed myself for everything. I thought I must be nuts because how could something so good fall apart so fast - my only rationale was that I had to have done something just plain awful, because nothing else made sense. This says a lot about me and my codependency (which I'm working through).

Mutt used the phrase "crazy making" and relationships with pwBPD can feel like just that. I want to caution again black and white thinking here though (the kind that is a hallmark of BPD). Which one of you is the sane one? I guess that just depends on your definition of sanity. People with BPD do a lot of things we might call crazy but are perfectly rational to them. Abandoning someone before they can abandon you makes total sense to them. Remember, feelings  = facts.

With that being said, how do you know what is real and what isn't, and how do you know your own sanity? First, I'd recommend speaking with a therapist if you aren't already and if you have access to something like that. I picked up some bad habits in my relationship that I need to work on if I ever want to have a healthy relationship in the future. My therapist has really helped with that and she's helped me recover some of my own sanity. Second, keep writing here. Writing helps to process things and we're all processing together. I find that the more I write, the more I remember, and the more I can make sense of things that I might have felt like I was making up. Sometimes another member will write something that sets off a series of realizations for me that are so helpful. These realizations go both ways, in that they aren't always things about my STBX wife and what she did - often times they're about me and things I might have done differently if I weren't stuck in a crazy making scenario.

We have a list of books that people tend to recommend, if you haven't picked up some of these already: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=33.0

I found that reading and learning has really helped me to step back and process my relationship. I'm nowhere near to being over it yet or fully detached, but I've stopped wholesale blaming myself or feeling completely crazy. I've even developed some compassion for her.

You might pop over to some of the other boards to learn some of the lessons there, especially about how to not make things worse. It's taking everything in my power to not unblock her on social media and figure out what she's doing/how she's doing/who she's with, etc. The knowledge I've picked up about BPD is what's helping me not do that. I know that what I'd see on there would only be what someone else saw when we got together. I know that the questions I'd ask myself or her were questions someone else probably asked when they saw us. This isn't to say that we did or didn't have something special in our marriage. I believe it was real and she was in it, until she wasn't, and at that point, feelings  = facts and she felt like it was over. That's all I have to work with right now and it's how she left things.

What are some ways you might make things easier for yourself and "stop the bleed" per se?

[abv221]

Hey ABV,

I'd also like to welcome you here. I just responded to your other post, but cycled back to catch up on your thread here.

Whew I hear you there. When my wife left, I apologized profusely for so many things that I believed I had done and I really felt like I was nuts. I blamed myself for everything. I thought I must be nuts because how could something so good fall apart so fast - my only rationale was that I had to have done something just plain awful, because nothing else made sense. This says a lot about me and my codependency (which I'm working through).

Mutt used the phrase "crazy making" and relationships with pwBPD can feel like just that. I want to caution again black and white thinking here though (the kind that is a hallmark of BPD). Which one of you is the sane one? I guess that just depends on your definition of sanity. People with BPD do a lot of things we might call crazy but are perfectly rational to them. Abandoning someone before they can abandon you makes total sense to them. Remember, feelings  = facts.

With that being said, how do you know what is real and what isn't, and how do you know your own sanity? First, I'd recommend speaking with a therapist if you aren't already and if you have access to something like that. I picked up some bad habits in my relationship that I need to work on if I ever want to have a healthy relationship in the future. My therapist has really helped with that and she's helped me recover some of my own sanity. Second, keep writing here. Writing helps to process things and we're all processing together. I find that the more I write, the more I remember, and the more I can make sense of things that I might have felt like I was making up. Sometimes another member will write something that sets off a series of realizations for me that are so helpful. These realizations go both ways, in that they aren't always things about my STBX wife and what she did - often times they're about me and things I might have done differently if I weren't stuck in a crazy making scenario.

We have a list of books that people tend to recommend, if you haven't picked up some of these already: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=33.0

I found that reading and learning has really helped me to step back and process my relationship. I'm nowhere near to being over it yet or fully detached, but I've stopped wholesale blaming myself or feeling completely crazy. I've even developed some compassion for her.

You might pop over to some of the other boards to learn some of the lessons there, especially about how to not make things worse. It's taking everything in my power to not unblock her on social media and figure out what she's doing/how she's doing/who she's with, etc. The knowledge I've picked up about BPD is what's helping me not do that. I know that what I'd see on there would only be what someone else saw when we got together. I know that the questions I'd ask myself or her were questions someone else probably asked when they saw us. This isn't to say that we did or didn't have something special in our marriage. I believe it was real and she was in it, until she wasn't, and at that point, feelings  = facts and she felt like it was over. That's all I have to work with right now and it's how she left things.

What are some ways you might make things easier for yourself and "stop the bleed" per se?

Thank you for the link to the books, I will definitely check them out. I feel the same about checking social media... .I've stopped myself now because I keep remembering what she'd post when we were together, and behind the scenes she was acting totally crazy, so it's not an accurate representation of things. I also totally agree that I would have acted differently if I wasn't stuck in the "crazy-making scenario"... .I acted nuts sometimes, because I felt like I was going insane. I regret it so much, but I'm not sure what I could have done differently.

[kfry2679]

I also totally agree that I would have acted differently if I wasn't stuck in the "crazy-making scenario"... .I acted nuts sometimes, because I felt like I was going insane. I regret it so much, but I'm not sure what I could have done differently.

I am 100% sure my BPDx describes me as "the crazy one" and I was sort of convinced I was simply going insane. (Like when she was hacking my Facebook messages and I asked her about this, she just went on a rant about how I'm so paranoid "all the time" when literally, paranoia is not something I have ever dealt with but suddenly, I started wondering if I was experiencing something... .)

One of my favorite examples of just how much the relationship affected me was for awhile, I actually questioned if I had a brain tumor because I felt so much NOT like myself. /shakes head at self

I am so thankful for your post. It helps so much to know other people experience these things.

[abv221]

I am 100% sure my BPDx describes me as "the crazy one" and I was sort of convinced I was simply going insane. (Like when she was hacking my Facebook messages and I asked her about this, she just went on a rant about how I'm so paranoid "all the time" when literally, paranoia is not something I have ever dealt with but suddenly, I started wondering if I was experiencing something... .)

One of my favorite examples of just how much the relationship affected me was for awhile, I actually questioned if I had a brain tumor because I felt so much NOT like myself. /shakes head at self

I am so thankful for your post. It helps so much to know other people experience these things.

I will be honest, I have definitely been the one to hack into her social media, which I know is not okay. So often I had no idea what was going on in her mind because her behavior was so confusing and I just wanted to know what was up. I still doubt if I'm right. I still feel like I was so crazy. I don't think I'm ever going to feel differently.