I always wondered when a BPD cuts you off or about to is it from boredom?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I always wondered when a BPD cuts you off or about to  is it from boredom? Is it because they know you figured them out? Is it because you love them too much and they don’t like the feeling ?  Because it seems counter productive to their wanting to be abandoned if they leave first no?

[Shawnlam]

I always wondered when a BPD cuts you off or about to  is it from boredom? Is it because they know you figured them out? Is it because you love them too much and they don’t like the feeling ?  Because it seems counter productive to their wanting to be abandoned if they leave first no?

[Skip]

A lot of people miss an important part of "fear of abandonment"... .the associated fear of vulnerability. It's easy to miss this.

If being abandoned is something that happened to her as a child and scared her for life, I would go the extra mile not to put myself in a position to get burned... .fear of vulnerability.

So she enters relationships where she has advantage over her partner... .like youth or good looks mismatch... .

She does things like be "hypersexual" so that he won't leave... .

She is obsessed with her appearance because it locks men in... .

She keeps other men at arms length (or have affairs) so she has a landing place if things looks wobbly... .

She devalues her partner so it doesn't hurt so much (we have a lot of that here these days   )... .

She dashes at the first signs of serious relationship breakdown... .

[Shawnlam]

Yeah I guess that all kinda makes sense... .I wonder what she must be thinking of me right now having left her? Anger,disappointment,a lesson to better her skills? Or am I someone she needs revenge on? Or someone she knows still loves her so she can fall back on as a security blanket later if needed? She didn’t paint me black and left saying take care of yourself XO ... .I wonder why she wasn’t overly upset at me leaving her.I guess that will always remain unanswered for me and it’s something I’ll have to just live With compared to many here who were left by their BPD significant other.

[Skip]

I wonder why she wasn’t overly upset at me leaving her.

Do you think it had just run its course and she was losing interest?

[Gunit1]

A lot of people miss an important part of "fear of abandonment"... .the associated fear of vulnerability. It's easy to miss this.

If being abandoned is something that happened to her as a child and scared her for life, I would go the extra mile not to put myself in a position to get burned... .fear of vulnerability.

So she enters relationships where she has advantage over her partner... .like youth or good looks mismatch... .

She does things like be "hypersexual" so that he won't leave... .

She is obsessed with her appearance because it locks men in... .

She keeps other men at arms length (or have affairs) so she has a landing place if things looks wobbly... .

She devalues her partner so it doesn't hurt so much (we have a lot of that here these days   )... .

She dashes at the first signs of serious relationship breakdown... .

So she enters relationships where she has advantage over her partner... .like youth or good looks mismatch... .


This be why mine always seemed uncommitted to me as she had issues me being younger and had other options well she thought that I just loved her.
She is now with a old guy looks fair older then her like her dad... This be more why she goes for that sorta thing becuase guy be thinking how did I land a younger attractive chick so I'll bow to her every word?

[Skip]

She is now with a old guy looks fair older then her like her dad... This be more why she goes for that sorta thing because guy be thinking how did I land a younger attractive chick so I'll bow to her every word?

We have seen a lot of it back here... .it's devastating on the man when it falls apart. We had one suicide over this.

An older guy might be more patient and less reactive to her stuff... .more tolerant as you say.

[JNChell]

Or am I someone she needs revenge on? Or someone she knows still loves her so she can fall back on as a security blanket later if needed?

ShawnIam, is this what you’re hoping for? It’s ok if your hopes are to have her back with you. How do you think things would go if there was a makeup? If she “came back”?

[Shawnlam]

No I don’t want her back ,I left her because I was starting to be physically ill to be honest,always had anxiety.Never knew what was going to blind side me next ,cheating ,cancelling a trip or going somewhere with someone ... .always so many lies it was just too overwhelming for me to keep up (or want to keep up).

As for the relationship running it’s course from my perspective it had.Im not too sure from her  to be honest because BPD’s are hard to read or at least she was.She wasn’t happy when I left her , pretty heavy texts about me being a jerk,and she couldn’t believe I left her because of a vacation with her friend( wasn’t the real reason I left her).What she didn’t do was paint me black which I found very odd indeed because looking at her past relationships (all except one) there were problems when she ended it and rage.With me and one other that she still sees on the side (one of her affair buddies) we have one thing in common,we both left her.

With that said I’d almost have preferred being painted black and discarded VS me leaving and her being polite and telling me to take care alright XO .What does that type of ending mean for her or a BPD ? Like she happen to have an actual moment of concious thinking and cared enough about me to be pleasant up until the end? Did she do it because I was so nice and loving to her and treated her with respect? Did she do this because she already has a new guy so she didn’t feel abandoned by me and it doesn’t matter? You see my point here? Very hard to digest when I compare my story to the rest of most ppl on here.Even my therapist who I started to see this week said , be careful she may not be done with you if that’s how it ended.She knows you love her , later down the road you may be important again.

[Shawnlam]

I forgot  to mention that of course I wouldn’t want to try again now knowing she has BPD ,BUT the thought crossed my mind.Only because I’m much better equipped to interact without triggering her however what kind of life would that leave me in.All I would be doing is trying to convince someone to seek treatment and most likely fail .If it did work my other theory one I haven’t seen on here yet is once a bPD has better control and is aware of his or her problems/actions... .who says you as the present partner would be their ideal choice after all.What if they were grateful for you helping them but they better understood you now and could honestly say “I don’t love you”? Always been and end game scenario I imagined was possible,so imagine investing all that effort and time to help someone only to be honestly told thank you but I need to move on now ,let’s just be friends?

But yeah I still miss her and love her ,I did the best thing for probably both of us... .and in a disturbing way I do feel cheated that she isn’t chasing me or showing me any attention anymore but my theory is she has simply found someone else hey ... that’s what they do best right?

Regards
Shawn

[Skip]

I still miss her and love her ,I did the best thing for probably both of us... .and in a disturbing way I do feel cheated that she isn’t chasing me or showing me any attention anymore but my theory is she has simply found someone else hey ... that’s what they do best right?

Hey Shawn, walking away from someone you love is really hard. I did the same - her and her and the boys (her boys) who I loved, too. We were a family unit. I adored her. She was the most magical personal I ever dated. She was also the most hurtful.

Walking away was hard. To me, even though I did the walking, it wasn't my choice. There was no way we could continue. There were fewer ups and more downs. It was always going to be chaos. She wasn't just having a bad day - this is how she was wired. And she was a beautiful loving human being.

Accepting this paradox is something we all struggle with. I was her world. I was her trigger. I didn't have the relationship skills I have now, and I would make a bad day into a bad week... .I didn't know how to ride the waves.

Its hard to brace the two sides of a person that are so extreme - extreme beautiful and extreme painful. And its hard to embrace that if I had better skills I could have managed better - learn to mitigate the bad times. They were periodic - not a daily thing.

Would it have been enough to be happy? I don't know. BPD is a pretty daunting affliction.

I did a lot of growing up to come to accept the above. There are a lot of moving parts in these relationships. Seeing them, understanding them. learning from them, makes us better men.

and in a disturbing way I do feel cheated that she isn’t chasing me or showing me any attention anymore but my theory is she has simply found someone else hey ... that’s what they do best right?

We're you hoping that walking away would "reach" her? That it would make you heard?

[icky]

She was the most magical personal I ever dated. She was also the most hurtful.

I was her world. I was her trigger.

Accepting this paradox is something we all struggle with.

I like the word "paradox" to describe BPD.

That resonates with me deeply.

That there are two truths, that are basically contradictory, side by side.

Our minds and hearts, it seems, aren't designed to cope with/ grasp/ come to terms with paradoxes very well.

Paradox.

No wonder my brain hurts   

[Shawnlam]

Honestly I thought I’d she would have tried reaching out to me in anyway that she  still thought I was worth something to her.It would also have confirmed she probably didn’t have someone already .Yes what I wrote up above is fairly infantile and petty I know , but it’s the truth.

[Skip]

Yes what I wrote up above is fairly infantile and petty I know , but it’s the truth.

I'm trying to unpack it a bit. Take it to a higher level. Understand what's it all about.

Forgetting BPD for a moment, I think women, in general, fall out if love in stages... .so when they are done, they have grieved the relationship loss to some extent.

I think women with BPD, because of the fear of abandonment/fear of vulnerability (remember, their suicide rate is 10% and they most often kill themselves over failed relationships), avoid that post relationship mourning like the plague and move on... .even overlap relationships. Its like a compensatory survival skill.

Is that what you mean? Have you ever done that?

[PS: I'm not understating the brutality of it - the cheating, overlapping, in the wings, or fast bounce back is probably the single most destructive thing I read here, day in and day out. Pack that up with the paradox of being idealized (over appreciated) and devalued (under appreciation), and that many of our members entered into these relationships at a time when the were vulnerable (e.g, recently, divorced, etc.), you have the formula for a massive emotional trauma]

[Fie]

Hello,

Maybe your therapist is right, who knows. My ex NPD/BPD was also not angry when I left. Actually that's one of the very few occasions he wasn't angry, Lol !
He did try to recycle me but fortunately my brain won over my feelings.
Really I understand you trying to analyse, and find reasons. But I think it doesn't really matter... what matters is you ! How can you become more aware of BPD tendencies, so you can avoid falling into the same trap again ? A lot of partners of BPD are codependent. Do you think that's the case for you ? If so, do you want to work with it ?