Feel guilty for wanting minimum contact with my father who has broken my heart

[once removed]

hi deirdre, i want to join the others and say

i have a few someones in my life that are big time talkers and hard to exit a conversation with. i react very similarly, i zone out, i get fidgety, irritated, etc. social cues dont work. i can literally be exiting the room, in another room, facing the other way hanging out of the room and it continues 

i got two pieces of advice from others, and ill share them.

1. mindfully, actively pay attention to your feelings around these situations and the discomfort they cause. when we learn to do this, we can learn more about ourselves, how we react, how we might react otherwise.

2. start practicing exiting conversations. find what works for you. "excuse me for a moment", "youll have to excuse me", head for the bathroom, whatever. likely, this will be uncomfortable at first. likely, though not necessarily, youll find that it goes just fine, and it should get easier from there.

[Fie]

start practicing exiting conversations

That's such a good idea and counterintuitive for children of BPD !
I tried it some time ago with my BPD mother and it was very effective. She was baiting me and I suddenly got it... .so I said : 'I have to go to the toilet, let's discuss this in a minute'.  She looked very confused that I abruptly ended the conversation but said nothing. When I came back, she didn't raise the topic again.

[Harri]

Hi Deirdre!  I am so glad the first encounter went well for you.  I was hoping it would so that you can build on positive experiences (I mean positive in terms of you and your responses and being okay with whatever happens).  My T is all about building on positive interactions with me and I find it works well to increase my confidence and decrease my anxiety.  Managing those tow things makes a world of difference.

Protective bubbles are awesome!  Visual imagery is so helpful to me.  It is just another sense I can use to change my programming.  Glad it helped you.  Once removed and Fie both offered great strategies for exiting conversations gracefully (despite the bathroom!  LOL) So simple yet effective. 

Once removed mentioned mindfulness and I think he is so right.  We have an article titled Radical Acceptance for Family Members  Radical acceptance includes mindfulness.  Here is an excerpt:

Mindfulness is “allowing” experiences rather than suppressing or avoiding them. It is the intentional process of observing, describing, and participating in reality non-judgmentally, in the moment, and with effectiveness. Ethereal as it may sound, Linehan's methods have been independently studied by clinical researchers and shown to be effective.

This is a great aide to getting accustomed to feelings especially after having been shut off and then so overwhelmed (understandably so!) by them. 

Feelings just are.  Feelings are allowed.  Feelings need to be felt.  Feelings are healthy and should not be suppressed (nor should they always be expressed either). 

Just Be.

 

[Fie]

(despite the bathroom!  LOL)

Hahaha Harri I always like your sense of humor   

[deirdre]

Once Removed Thank you for joining the conversation and adding your advice! It is quite the balance to strike being a non-judgmental observer, while also feeling my emotions. I am generally better at the first one, but I am working on it. I love utilizing mindfulness practices, I need to remind myself to use them more. Maybe start re-reading some books I have read. I took a class all about inter-personal relationships in hopes that it would help, it did. But I still wasn't able to tackle my inter-personal relationship with close family, that is a challenge that I am ready for now though. But class was very centered on mindfulness and well done it was a lot like being in group therapy haha.

Speaking of that I really need to find a support group, have any of you tried NAMI? I was also recommended Al-Anon because of the past alcohol problems. I would like a little feedback about them, though I know every group dynamic will be different. I am off to read the radical acceptance article now.           

[deirdre]

Okay, so already the beginning of this radical acceptance article speaks to me.

We live in a trance of unworthiness. It’s a trance because the pain of KNOWING the unworthy feelings is rather deep. So we keep really busy, so there’s no time to sit and know. We embark on self-improvement projects to try to be good enough. We avoid risks to avoid more pain. We withdraw from knowing our current experience.

The beginning of this last episode I tried really hard to just keep busy, I even got my 4th part time job. I didn't go into it thinking I was avoiding, but two weeks in I realized what I was doing. Much to the chagrin on my employer I quit only a little over a month into the job. Because I didn't have time and I knew that I had to make time to face my situation, not avoid it. Not everyone understood why I would quit a good job I just started, when it would make me more money then the other part time jobs I have. But that is okay, not everyone will and can understand. Becoming all work/school etc, to avoid catastrophic situations, is a coping strategy I have had for a long time that I am trying to break.

Deep down I think besides avoiding the situation, I wanted to prove that I was worthy. That I could make enough money to survive in my Dad's eyes, I realize nothing I do can actually accomplish what I want there. Because I will always either make too little money, or make to much and then I have to pay taxes which is almost at the level of being a "sin" in his eyes. No-win situations I need to accept and move on. Then I can focus on situations that will be good for me, without the fear of falling short in other peoples opinions.

[deirdre]

fei and once removed, thank you for giving me examples of exiting strategies! It helps a lot to have examples, the bathroom one. Honestly is great, because that is a situation that won't be as easily twisted as me abandoning the conversation. When nature calls it is important haha.

[once removed]

so hows it going at the moment deirdre? have you had an opportunity to practice new strategies or techniques?

[deirdre]

once removed
I feel like I haven't gotten very far with implementing anything. But I think that is also my expecting more from myself in a month then I should. I am doing a lot of self-reflecting, trying to be aware of my emotions when they happen. The problem with being aware of myself is I am now extra aware of all the physical pain I am in, which I guess is a good thing in some ways but it doesn't feel like it right now. I am working on doing some meditative breathing and trying to relax my muscle groups that way to help, which should help my mental state too.

I am realizing that my non-BPD mother irritates me more then my nBPD father at this point. It's not really a conscious choice but I notice all of my muscles tensing when she is talking to me a lot of the time. Which in turn puts me in a more irritable mood. I feel guilty for my reactions to her, but I think it is because she is the one who had the choice. It was her choice to let my father come back and he his some old self (in my opinion) since he has been back (I didn't expect otherwise, but he is usually on even better behavior after a blow up). We are all trying to reintegrate back into the family dynamic, seeing what has changed and what hasn't, checking out boundaries. I think I am just upset that my mother lets her self by choice continue to be a victim, again. When I know I am powerless to their choices and I am trying my best to be okay with that. It still puts my younger sibling at risk though, because there seems to be a belief in my household that abuse of a parent doesn't hurt a parent, especially if the kid isn't physically abused.

I don't want to feel angry or bitter towards her for making the choice she made. I guess I also have to realize that even if she doesn't have BPD I still have to accept her flaws too. Its the pattern of abuse and why people go through it over and over again for a significant other. I seem to just have more grace for my father, because I've always known he is ill. So I am at a point where I feel like I need to in a way have less grace for my uBPDf and more grace for my non-BPDm. There is a lot going on in my head right now but this is what is at the front of it all in this moment.

[Harri]

Hi Deirdre. 

I think it is a good thing to realize you are angry with your mother too.  It is not uncommon for those of us with disordered parents to realize our anger is often greater towards the non parent than it is towards the disordered one.  Yes, your mother has made choices that affect not just her and your dad but you and your sibling as well.  Your mom is caught up in her own issues unfortunately.  I always think of the BPD/Non relationship as two people having interlocking wounds.  No matter how disordered and dysfunctional their relationship may seem on the surface there is a mutuality there that keeps them going back for more. 

Unfortunately a lot of people are unaware of how emotional and verbal abuse can affect kids.  You often hear on other boards that the kids are okay because the rage is not directed towards them or there is no physical abuse.  How to explain that it is the stress and tension in the house, or the unspoken emotions, and the hostile or cold looks passed between the parents that cause so much damage.  How to explain that the tone used can cut deeply?  Or that yelling and fighting can be very scary even when it is not directed towards a child?

You *can* feel anger towards your mothers choices.  It is actually a healthy response to the situation.  Yes, have compassion and care about her but that does not mean you can't feel anger and frustration.  Don't fight it.  Don't act on it but just sit with the anger, recognize it without judging and let it go.  Don't push it away.

I think you are doing very well Deirdre and I am so glad you continue to post here.  It really does help you and other people who read your posts.

 

[Fie]

I feel guilty for my reactions to her, but I think it is because she is the one who had the choice.

I think you are feeling something that is very normal and natural. I think I would feel the same. Angry and also frustrated. A feeling of 'it's not fair !'

And it *is* not fair ! Nor your father, nor your mother, are treating you very fairly - and I'm not saying they are doing it on purpose, or with an intention to hurt.

[deirdre]

Harri
Thank you for helping to validate my feelings about the situation. There are just so many emotions going on for me right now, quite the roller coaster. But anger is definitely one of them and atleast I can admit it now, I never could before. Now to stop judging my anger, that is a hard one.

Fie
Thank you Fie, it does feel like an "it's not fair" situation. I know they don't do it purposefully, still hard not to take it personally though.

[Fie]

still hard not to take it personally though.

Why are you pushing yourself to not take it personal ? How can you not ?
You are only just now allowing your anger. In my humble opinion... you have every right to take it personal. Emotions are what they are. Once you will have fully lived through them, there will be plenty of time for telling yourself 'they didn't do it on purpose' and there will be plenty of time for forgiveness, if you want that.

Don't you think anger can be cathartic ? Just my two cents...

[Harri]

Now to stop judging my anger, that is a hard one.

Yes, it is hard and one I am still working on so I can't even share what worked for me.  Anger just is right?  I have all sorts of bad associations with the word anger.  Loss of control, abuse, fear, terror.  I am not afraid of other peoples anger though.  I am (was?) afraid of my own.  It is a part of me and I realized the more I ran from it or even tried to talk myself out of it the worse it got.  I do seem to be getting a better handle on it as I accept the fact that I was helpless, a victim, and I am worth far more than what I was given.  As I work to accept that I have inherent value, I become more at ease with being angry and expressing it.  That in turns seems to allow me to release it without judging my value as a human being for even having it. 

I am always fascinated with anger and how we talk about it sometimes.  So many are afraid of anger and avoid it, but it seems that is the worst thing you can do at least IMNSHO. 

Fie, I really like your question: 

Why are you pushing yourself to not take it personal ? How can you not ?

Indeed, how can you not.  We talk a lot about depersonalizing the behaviors of the BPD so we can detach and begin to respond rather than react in the same old dysfunctional ways but I think that is different from not taking their choices and actions personally.  It was personal when my mother brainwashed me to give up all chances of having my own 'normal' life.  It was personal when she sexually abused me.  It was personal when she raged at me and beat me down with her words and accusations and delusions.  It was personal when my father watched and chose not to act.

Sorry.  I made this all about me!    

[deirdre]

Fie and Harri
Wow, the point about it being okay to take it personally. Kind of mind blowing, trying to wrap my head around the difference between depersonalizing and taking things personal. I guess I do have a lot of bad associations with anger, when it is a very natural emotion. Just hard to break the habit of feeling like it is "bad" to feel angry.
Fie that is a good point about anger being cathartic, it has been for me in the past. But then I also have the conflict of feeling like it is wrong of me.
Thank you both for helping to point out the fallacy of some of my thought processes. I have a lot of evaluating to do.