Avoiding the Extremes of Enabling and Resenting Sister With BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone,
I am brand new on here and am so thankful for the support.  I have only recently found out that my sister has been diagnosed with BPD and in reading the description, I couldn't agree more.  For years she has idealized me and our relationship from afar and then within 24 hours of actually being around me in-person, she turns on me (I rarely understand why) and in her eyes, I become this controlling, selfish, superior person in her eyes.  She really only calls me when she is at her wits end, dumping all of her darkest thoughts and struggles on me, revealing her self-loathing and then telling me how she has harmed herself.  Then when I try to check in on her the next day, she tells me she doesn't want to talk about it and then gets angry when I try to help in any way.  Or as soon as she feels better, she returns to getting easily angry with me (about dumb things really, disagreeing on some factual thing in the news or the name of an actor) and gets mad at me about it insisting that she is right.  And it's always about something I don't care about at all so I just don't fight back. She always somehow makes me feel guilty for the good things I have in my life (though I had to work on my own issues many years ago and have worked hard to have those good relationships and circumstances) and always makes me feel like I'm a villain.  She has done this to our family for so long and my parents have historically taken her side and telling me I should be more empathetic because my life is so much better than hers.  When I try to share with family how hard it is for me to hear those scary phone calls and then have her tie my hands by not letting me check on her later or give any sort of input, I am usually guilted into considering how hard this all is for her.  

Anyways, I am reaching out because I need a place where others understand the damage that occurs for loved ones caring for a BPD person.  When I think of her, my extremes ebb from extreme guilt (likely false guilt of thinking I should be doing more for her) to extreme resentment and anger towards her.  In the past few months, I am starting to feel depressed from it all and I realize that I can't ignore the impact it is having on me anymore.  For example, I was having a great day today and then she texted me and dumped on me about a family member (who has sacrificed much to care for her) and I immediately felt exhausted and overwhelmed by it all.  I want to be able to learn how to not let this zap me and control me.  

Thank you for letting me be in this community.  

 

[Wisdomsearching]

Hi everyone,
I am brand new on here and am so thankful for the support.  I have only recently found out that my sister has been diagnosed with BPD and in reading the description, I couldn't agree more.  For years she has idealized me and our relationship from afar and then within 24 hours of actually being around me in-person, she turns on me (I rarely understand why) and in her eyes, I become this controlling, selfish, superior person in her eyes.  She really only calls me when she is at her wits end, dumping all of her darkest thoughts and struggles on me, revealing her self-loathing and then telling me how she has harmed herself.  Then when I try to check in on her the next day, she tells me she doesn't want to talk about it and then gets angry when I try to help in any way.  Or as soon as she feels better, she returns to getting easily angry with me (about dumb things really, disagreeing on some factual thing in the news or the name of an actor) and gets mad at me about it insisting that she is right.  And it's always about something I don't care about at all so I just don't fight back. She always somehow makes me feel guilty for the good things I have in my life (though I had to work on my own issues many years ago and have worked hard to have those good relationships and circumstances) and always makes me feel like I'm a villain.  She has done this to our family for so long and my parents have historically taken her side and telling me I should be more empathetic because my life is so much better than hers.  When I try to share with family how hard it is for me to hear those scary phone calls and then have her tie my hands by not letting me check on her later or give any sort of input, I am usually guilted into considering how hard this all is for her.  

Anyways, I am reaching out because I need a place where others understand the damage that occurs for loved ones caring for a BPD person.  When I think of her, my extremes ebb from extreme guilt (likely false guilt of thinking I should be doing more for her) to extreme resentment and anger towards her.  In the past few months, I am starting to feel depressed from it all and I realize that I can't ignore the impact it is having on me anymore.  For example, I was having a great day today and then she texted me and dumped on me about a family member (who has sacrificed much to care for her) and I immediately felt exhausted and overwhelmed by it all.  I want to be able to learn how to not let this zap me and control me.  

Thank you for letting me be in this community.  

 

[Harri]

Hi Wisdomsearching and welcome to the board.  You are in the right place for certain.  We can all relate to coping with a family member with BPD or suspected BPD (many of us have family members who have not been diagnosed - uBPD).  There are several people who post consistently who are dealing with a sibling with the disorder.  We get it.

Behaviors that you have described here are very hurtful and damaging so of course you get upset.  Your description of going from guilt to resentment and anger is such a normal response to this type of situation.  We can listen to and validate your experience.  We can also help you learn to use communication tools and understand your sisters defense mechanisms as that will help to depersonalize her behaviors.  I'm not saying you will feel nothing when she does her usual but you can make it so that it does not hurt as much.  Communication tools can help you respond in ways that are less likely to set off your emotions and hers.

Would you be interested in reading about the communication strategies we have here?  If so I can give you links to read.  

We also have the Survivors Guide located on the right side of the page.  Each number on the list is clickable and expands to give you more information.  Using the guide can be helpful in determining where you are and where you may want to go next while working on healing.  Healing and recovery is not a linear process.  Another good place to start reading is our article on F.O.G. (Fear, Obligation and Guilt)

Wisdomsearching, I hope you continue to post here as you feel the need or desire and read some of the articles we have available.  Like I said above, we all get it and most of us have been in a similar situation.  Things can improve for you and you have found a great place to work on it.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Wisdomsearching<  

Welcome to our family! I'm very sorry that your sister has treated you so poorly, and then to add to that the lack of support from the rest of your family- it must leave you feeling pretty alone at times. You will find that the members here will understand what you are going through. There's a wealth of information here as well.

The guilt you describe is so very common for those of us who have a pwBPD in our family as Harri shared. Also common is triangulation which is what is happening when your family sides with your sister and thus leaves you feeling in-validated. Here is link that might be helpful to you.

Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle

Looking forward to hearing more from you!

 
Wools