Need to focus on healing, but distracted by husband reaching out to me.

[Mustbeabetterway]

I have been living apart from my UBPDH for over two months now.  The marriage is over as far as I am concerned.  That being said, I still care and worry about him.  Being married over 30 years, it is difficult to move on.

He has been trying to speak with me every day by text or by phone.  Communication by email seems a good idea and I had discussed that with others in a previous post. 

He contacts me almost every day telling me how he hates being alone, he misses me, etc.  I think he wants me to make up with him, move back home and go on  as we have in the past.  There are many reasons why that is terrible for me.

He has a brother who would be more of a friend if my husband didn't get really angry and lash out at him over things like politics.  He has pushed him away.  Our daughter would love to get together with him for dinner or just to visit, but he has turned her down.  He even told her he needed a break from her.  That boggles my mind,  she lives minutes from him and he rarely sees her. 

His communication is almost verbatim, I hate you, don't leave me.  For example, he texted me tonight that he wasn't feeling well,  I tried to validate and say something like "That sounds very uncomfortable."  To which he responded, " I hate you."  If I don't respond at all, he freaks out and texts me bunches of times. 

I have gotten my clothes and many of my personal items from the house.  Next week, I plan to move my piano and the furniture that I am taking with me.

I feel guilty because he's not ok and I am going to be ok.   I am sad that things didn't turn out like I hoped and dreamed they would.  I am frustrated at being displaced.  But, I have friends and hobbies.  I have a job I love.  I really want him to be in a good frame of mind, as well.  And that is a big part of why it has taken me so long to leave the relationship. 

How do you deal with the guilt and feelings of obligation? 

[spero]

Hey there Mustbe 

Glad to hear from you again.

I have been living apart from my UBPDH for over two months now.  The marriage is over as far as I am concerned.  That being said, I still care and worry about him.  Being married over 30 years, it is difficult to move on.

I see that you've begun the process of detachment, citing that marriage is over. Detachment, mustbe like all other processes of going through changes relating to grief and loss will take time. This must be difficult to have a change of normalcy after being married for 30 years. I'm sorry that it has come to this, but perhaps you've crossed the roads of knowing that staying may not work toward your long term health and benefit.

He has been trying to speak with me every day by text or by phone.  Communication by email seems a good idea and I had discussed that with others in a previous post. He contacts me almost every day telling me how he hates being alone, he misses me, etc.  I think he wants me to make up with him, move back home and go on  as we have in the past.  There are many reasons why that is terrible for me.

Rightly so, that after 30 years, your ex-partner is now experiencing "change" and this change is really uncomfortable for him. This partly due to the triggering of "abandonment" and wanting the status quo of what things were. His loss of "supply" which makes him feel OK is gone and he doesn't really know what to do. I suppose that unfortunate and sad reality for many "nons" is that we don't want to leave, but in our own way we've been cornered and that leaving seems like the only "good" but painful thing we can do.

He has a brother who would be more of a friend if my husband didn't get really angry and lash out at him over things like politics.  He has pushed him away. 

I've noticed this pattern toward family members - It is usually the closest people in proximity who would bear the brunt of their anger, tantrums and other behaviours. Especially when there are conflicting views, it seems as if that just being "disagreeing" with them, you not only reject their opinion of a certain subject, but by a distorted extension, you would be rejecting their very being and them as a person.

Our daughter would love to get together with him for dinner or just to visit, but he has turned her down.  He even told her he needed a break from her.  That boggles my mind,  she lives minutes from him and he rarely sees her. 

I am also curious as to his response to your daughter. Is he the biological parent of your daughter? Perhaps my own reflection would be this - that he sees your daughter as an extension of you, that she is your daughter, and not his daughter. If that is is in deed the case, then there is already distance between him and her. That being said, perhaps it might be infact a "blessing in disguise". I don't know if your ex-partner has the propensity to gas light, having your daughter interact with him has the possibility of also creating a "Karpman drama triangle" which would not be beneficial for your daughter or yourself.

His communication is almost verbatim, I hate you, don't leave me.  For example, he texted me tonight that he wasn't feeling well,  I tried to validate and say something like "That sounds very uncomfortable."  To which he responded, " I hate you."  If I don't respond at all, he freaks out and texts me bunches of times. 

It is as you say, "I hate you, don't leave me." Mustbe, i do think that if he has BPD, he would have issues has issues with "object "permanence and "object constancy". With no sense of "object permanence and object constancy" he is probably unable to trust. and the inability to trust causes him to naturally gravitate toward enforcing "personal control" so that the outcomes would be as he had desired. Not being able to have control of his current circumstance triggers the abandonment unfortunately. His sense of security lies in control as opposed to healthy trust. Without trust, it is really difficult and almost impossible to maintain any form of relationship.

He needs you to respond to know you are there because somehow the lack of "permanence" means for him that you being out of sight reaffirms his worldview that "he'll be alone and that everyone he loves will eventually leave him". It is difficult isn't it? No matter what you'd do, you'll still never be able to "please" him or soothe him. Responding to him just gives him an avenue to heap "emotional abuse" at you. And if you don't it triggers his abandonment. It is really the classic case of "be damned if you do and damned if you don't"

If you would like to understand "object permanence" please follow this link for a reference from "Psych Central", please click  here
And for the understanding of "object constancy" please follow this link of a reference from "Psychology Today", please click  here

How do you deal with the guilt and feelings of obligation? 

I would first like to start by pointing you to some of our excellent articles available on our community site by clicking <a href="www.BPDcentral.com/blog/?Fear-Obligation-and-Guilt-FOG-in-High-Conflict-Relationships-36"> here [/url] and also to lesson 2 by following this link if you've had not already taken a look at them.

I know must be feeling guilty because you're going to be okay, but he isn't. But i also know, Mustbe, at this point, you must have exhausted every available avenue in wanting to salvage the situation but to no avail. I hear you, Mustbe it is tough because you really really care for him. I really cared for my uBPDexGF too but unfortunately staying doesn't help, and i do believe it isn't because you don't care about him that you've choosen to leave. Rather, it is precisely because you care and this seems to be the only way to stop making things worse, that you're leaving.

Our human heart will always struggle with the "what ifs" and its okay. Its okay because we'd (the nons) hope that it would work out, not just for ourselves, but also for our partners. We want them to be happy, we'd like them to recover but unfortunately, sometimes, that's just not the role we were made to play in their lives at this point. That realisation is going to take alot of time to acknowledge on a heartlevel. You've probably thought about this over and over again too haven't you?

Back to wanting to process and move toward personal healthy recovery, you may want to consider keeping a journal. It helps just by putting your thoughts down into words. The physical action of writing "off-loads" the need to constantly jog things in your head... but yes... 30 years is a long time. So, mustbe do take it easy. If you've not been seeing a therapist and can afford the time and resources, perhaps that would be another place to where an experienced professional could help identify some deep needs which you may not yet be aware of.

At some point, you might consider enforcing your personal boundaries after enough "letting go" is done. When you've reached that point of acceptance, and you're ready to go "No contact" that would probably give you further stability in healing. I guess as long as we're still engaged about thinking about our BPD exes or exBPD spouses, it will delay our own recovery process. That might be something worth walking through with a therapist as well.

Hope this helps and i hope that you're keeping well.

Spero

[Lucky Jim]

How do you deal with the guilt and feelings of obligation?

Hey Mustbe, For me it helped to pause and reflect that feelings of guilt and obligation are all part of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt), which is the three-pronged pitchfork by which those w/BPD manipulate a Non.  Once you can label the feelings as a response to FOG and arm-twisting on the part of the pwBPD, then it's easier to let go of the feelings, in my experience.  I find that, if you decline to respond to FOG, there is a predictable response from the pwBPD, which is for the pwBPD to up the ante and increase the pressure with stronger threats.  At that point, it's pretty obvious what is going on and even easier to say, No, I won't be manipulated like that.

LuckyJim

[zachira]

It hurts to see your husband hurting over the end of the marriage, even though you made the right decision for yourself and  are ready to heal. Sometimes, it can help to realize that one of the most helpful things you can do is to let the other person feel their feelings, and you cannot do the feeling for them. So, yes he is reaching out to you, and trying to get you back because most likely you were his lifeline, as he seems to struggle with facing his feelings, and he probably thinks that if he were to get you back he would not have to feel his pain. Have you thought about going to a mediator to negotiate the terms of divorce? Part of the mediation process can be to work out how you are going to contact each other during the process of divorce, and can help to end the marriage on better terms. What I hear you saying is that you are struggling with your husband constantly trying to get you back, and how to set boundaries with him so he is not constantly upsetting you with his demands to get back together. Somehow, you have to decide what those boundaries are, and how to communicate this to him, which can be very difficult when you really do care about how your husband is doing even though you no longer want to be with him. This board has many people who have gone through the hurt of the end of the marriage and have had similar struggles. Please reach out at any time, let us know how you are doing and how we can help.

[Lady Itone]

I felt similarly to you when I ended my 16 year marriage. My husband struggled so hard and I hated seeing him in pain. I wanted to support him through it, but I also needed to deal with my own pain.

We didn't have assets or kids to fight over, so that helped. We decided to try to made changes slowly, do a "conscious uncoupling." First he moved out, but we still spent time together, even made love sometimes. We checked in with each other, we helped each other financially. Eventually, we saw each other less, we went platonic, he moved his stuff out, we separated finances, and I got serious about dating. Now, exh and I, we're friends. I took a trip to visit him in his new city not long ago, it was nice.

But then, my ex wasn't borderline, so I imagine your stbx is a bit harder to deal with. I guess the advice I'd offer is stay firm in your truth. When he begs to come home, repeat your intentions to leave the marriage. You ask how to let go of the guilt? Honestly, I still have moments of feeling guilty for walking away from that alcoholic, workaholic, coke-addict man. He truly was heartbroken, and I knew it.

But he survived, and I suspect he is no better or worse off than if I'd given in to his wishes and stayed. Maybe this helps: Scientists say we have a baseline of happiness, that when something really good or really bad happens, our happiness levels rise or drop accordingly for a while, but eventually return to base. You can do certain things to raise your baseline 10% (meditation, practice gratitude, improve your health, be more social, etc.) But in short, that man's happiness isn't dependent  on you, and that's a good thing.

Hang in there.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Spero it definitely is FOG I am encountering.  Thanks for the link to the article.  I had read it before, but reading it again helped me to see what is happening in a different context.  I don’t think he is consciously trying to manipulate me.  In the past, when he would make a demand, I would usually give in to the demand to have some peace (maybe) or just to try and accommodate him because in my mind that’s what good partners do.  So he is used to me giving in so that the relationship could continue.  What’s different is that I don’t want to continue the relationship.  It is unhealthy for me and even dangerous at times.

Our daughter is his biological daughter.  He has been involved in her life since being in the delivery room when she was born.  But, their relationship is troubled because once she became an adult, he hasn’t been the same dad that she knew.

Also, Spero, I have been in therapy in the past, but right now, I have made the decision I needed to make and just have to work through the fallout.  Although I believe therapy is helpful and has helped me, I am trying to just work through the painful things.  I’m posting here when I need support, advice, another point of view, a voice of experience  or confirmation of my own actions or ideas. 

Lucky Jim- you are correct in that when I don’t provide the desired response, he ratchets up the tone and that confirms that I do not want to be a part of the relationship anymore.

Zichara - thanks for your suggestion of a mediator it is spot on.  I have made an appointment with an attorney who believes in and practices mediation to get the best result for both parties.

Itone, I so wish that he and I could be friends.  I think it is possible in the way distant future.  We have been together more than half of our lives.  Right now, we are both hurt and angry to various degrees.  I need space to heal. 

I’m so thankful that this forum is available to me and to the countless others who find help and compassion here.  I truly needed to hear words of support, advice and encouragement.  It has been a rough few days.   Although I have people who care much for me, they don’t know what a relationship with a PWBPD is like. So thank you again.  Peace and blessings,  Mustbe

[spero]

Hello there Mustbe

Its good to hear from you. We hear you and are here for you.

Wanting to process pain is a brave and perhaps necessary thing in this season for you. I do believe you would know what's the best pace to tread through this. Go easy on yourself and as long as you're taking a step forward, i do believe you'll get to the other end of each little journey you start on.

I'm glad that you have found this place comforting and a sounding board for your situation. We're always here to listen.

Take heart dear Mustbe,
Spero.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Mustbe,

Caretaking tendencies run deep. I find that my thoughts, feelings, actions and reactions are all intricately woven with threads of my caretaker instincts. I constantly have to reiterate to myself that it is not my job to make sure everyone is safe, happy and has all needs, wants and desires met at all times. It's unrealistic to believe that I should be "doing something" to perpetually "make it better", yet that is precisely the type of expectations I place on myself. When I am unable physically, mentally or emotionally to "make it better" for someone else (particularly uBPDh) I feel guilty and as though I have somehow failed. This is faulty thinking. I am starting to work out these thinking patterns and how they relate to my choices, behavior, and mental and emotional health in counseling, which I just returned to after a year hiatus.

You can't fix it. You can't lessen his pain. You can't somehow make him feel better about your separation. You can't come up with solutions for him to try to manage his emotional pain nor can you orchestrate his healing. You can only focus on yours, and communication with him is getting in your way. You continue to hear all about how he is hurting and how he is angry because he wants you back so the pain will stop and his world will return to its familiar state once again, yet you stubbornly won't give him what he wants, so he hates you for "refusing to end his pain"- even though it isn't your responsibility nor would it be in your best interests.

He isn't interested in what is best for you, only what is comfortable for him. It is not your job or your responsibility to worry about how he is going to handle the separation. It's not your fault, and it doesn't have to be your problem- if he is frustrating you and causing upset by his angry texts, don't answer. If he blows up your phone, turn it off or block his number. You don't owe him anything in the way of comfort, support, or once again bearing the brunt of his rage and dysregulation. Thirty years is a long time to not get your needs met. Stop worrying about his fallout and concentrate on you. Let him feel whatever he will feel.

I don't necessarily think the manipulation is deliberate either; more like the way a two year old repeats behavior that the mother responds to, even if it is undesirable behavior. I find myself trying to drive with one hand while fishing on the floor of the car for my S2's trucks because he whines "truck, truck" over and over and over- even though he just threw all of them down as soon as I gave them to him. He knows Mommy will crack eventually and search one-handedly for them and give them back if he just says "truck" in a pitiful enough voice enough times.

Because mommy is a sucker. And a caretaker. And she doesn't want S2 to be upset riding in the carseat without any toys at all, because of course that is the most horrible thing EVER.


You are doing a great job recognizing the issues you are facing. Take care of yourself, and remember that YOU come first now. And that is OK.  

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[Speck]

Dear Mustbe,

I justed wanted to pop in to give you a .

You are so strong and are making great strides in moving on to a better place for yourself. While all this is true, I know it's tough to be hammered by incessant and unpleasant contact from your stbxh. I like what zachira said about recognizing that one of the most helpful things you can do for him right now is to just let him feel his feelings without feeling, yourself, obligated to alleviate them in any way.

Keep on stepping out of the FOG. You've got this... .

When the time comes that our pwBPD finally pushes us away for good, the consequences for doing so come a-knockin' at their doors. It's a hard thing for them to reconcile that they actually shoved us away, and in your case, quite literally! But, even so, he'll adjust, just like you must.

We're always here for you. This place is the quite the healing garden, isn't it?


-Speck

[Lucky Jim]

you are correct in that when I don’t provide the desired response, he ratchets up the tone and that confirms that I do not want to be a part of the relationship anymore.

Hey Mustbe, Right, if the initial threat/ultimatum doesn't work, the next will be more severe/drastic.  That's how manipulation works.  My suggestion: ignore it.

LJ

[Speck]

Hello, Mustbe:

Just checking in on you. I hope things are trucking right along for you and that you are finding calm, peace, and hope more and more frequently every day.


-Speck

[Mustbeabetterway]

I am so glad to have this forum and thankful for all of your responses.  It amazes me how generous people have been.  It is quite a “healing garden”,  Speck

My husband was gone yesterday evening and asked if I would come to the house and walk our dog.  It was great visiting with the dog, he was so happy to see me, too.  He ran a lap around the living room like he used to do when he was a pup and then licked me all over my face.  It was awesome!

I’m still living with our daughter and enjoying spending time with them and especially with our little granddaughter.  But, I am getting a home ready to move into.  I have mixed emotions about it, I am happy, a little excited, but it is also strange thinking of living alone which I have never done. 

I’m going to share something in hopes that it will be helpful to others going through a similar situation.  I have been feeling really sad sometimes and have let myself cry and feel those intensely strong sad feelings.  During all the turmoil of my marriage, I had become so emotionally shutdown that I could not cry.  His emotions were so strong and out there that there was no room for mine.  Crying has been a healing release and has moved me forward in my healing.

Also, my husband has been texting that he misses me.  Instead of going no contact, I am choosing controlled contact.  The truth is that I miss him, too and told him that.  But, I am not tempted to become involved in a relationship with him except as his ex.  I’m tired of being stoic and holding in my feelings and emotions for fear of how they may affect him. I need to be truthful about my feelings.  It seems manipulative too to keep my feelings hidden.  Like pretending not to care will make it easier to get over the relationship. 

Actually allowing my own feelings to surface seems part of the cure.    Acknowledging my own hurt over the breakup puts me first on my list and takes my focus off of his feelings.  Does this make sense?  Have any of you experienced this?

So I am having some success at navigating through the FOG. 

Peace and blessings, Mustbe

[Speck]

Dear, Mustbe:

During all the turmoil of my marriage, I had become so emotionally shutdown that I could not cry.  His emotions were so strong and out there that there was no room for mine. Crying has been a healing release and has moved me forward in my healing.

Acknowledging my own hurt over the breakup puts me first on my list and takes my focus off of his feelings. :)oes this make sense? Have any of you experienced this?

Yes. I understand this well, but my experience is a little different. I cried like a baby the third time she left me, but not the fourth (and final) time. It's been four months now, the divorce has been finalized, and I still haven't cried. Mostly, I just feel so very relieved it's over.

Now, I do get a little weepy when I read some of these threads... .the pain and sorrow of the members here is just so sad to me, but strangely, I don't feel a need to cry for myself, that my marriage is over. Who knows? Maybe, it'll hit me like a prairie storm one day.

But, I'm so glad that you're able to get in touch with your feelings and just let go.

So I am having some success at navigating through the FOG.

 

I am so happy to hear this, Mustbe. Thank you so much for updating us on how you've been feeling and doing. Looks like you are, indeed, finding a better way.


-Speck

[I Am Redeemed]

Dear Mustbe,

I know what it's like to experience emotional shutdown in the wake of someone else's emotional tsunami waves. I don't think I cried much at all for months, maybe years. I still don't tear up very much. The emotion I find that surfaces the most right now is anger and frustration. I seem to walk around in kind of a "numb" state most of the time. I do laugh and joke with friends and co-workers and I do have fun, but when I am alone I get reflective and I feel that I probably have a lot of grief that has not been processed, along with trauma that has not been healed and anger that has not been resolved. Years of unrelenting stress have left me feeling like the only survival method I had was to shut down. I get up every day and stoically set about all the tasks I have in front of me. But then the frustration builds and I feel like I am going to explode with anger. I am sure it is a sign that I have repressed so much that I don't know how to properly feel or process anything anymore.
I am so glad this community is here, too. I can come here and say what is on my mind, or read other posts and relate to them, or reach out to someone else sharing a similar experience. I am learning, day by day, and every time I come here I take away a piece of something that helps, whether in a big way or a small way.

Hang in there, and I think you are right to allow yourself to feel your own feelings about the situation with your marriage. It's better than repressing or denying, or having to set them aside because someone else is "stealing the spotlight" all the time.

Feelings can be pushed aside, but eventually you have a mental "shelf" crowded with all the unprocessed emotions that sat over there gathering cobwebs.

Take care mustbe, it's so great to hear from you.

Blessings and peace

Redeemed

[spero]

Hi there Mustbe,

It is indeed good to hear from you. I'm glad you could spend sometime with your dog and that he was delighted with your company with all that licking. I'm sure that has been a comfort to you.

I’m still living with our daughter and enjoying spending time with them and especially with our little granddaughter.  But, I am getting a home ready to move into.  I have mixed emotions about it, I am happy, a little excited, but it is also strange thinking of living alone which I have never done. 

I suppose there would be more changes to adjust to, especially with your preparations to move into a space you can call your own. Space where you can be yourself, and perhaps as you said. That might be an appropriate environment where you can be open with yourself without holding back on all that you've been through in this marriage. This must have been so tough.

Also, my husband has been texting that he misses me.  Instead of going no contact, I am choosing controlled contact.  The truth is that I miss him, too and told him that.  But, I am not tempted to become involved in a relationship with him except as his ex.  I’m tired of being stoic and holding in my feelings and emotions for fear of how they may affect him. I need to be truthful about my feelings.  It seems manipulative too to keep my feelings hidden.  Like pretending not to care will make it easier to get over the relationship. 

I suppose at this junction, dear MustBe, you've "understood" the behavioural implications well enough to want another "recycle" or repeat as you've said. Just being around him seems to be suffocating that it inhibits your own personality and freedom of expression. I don't think you're being manipulative on your part to keep your feelings hidden. I do believe perhaps the underlying motivation is that "dread" or perhaps even "fear" that if you'd express how you truly feel, he would "blow up" again.

Actually allowing my own feelings to surface seems part of the cure.    Acknowledging my own hurt over the breakup puts me first on my list and takes my focus off of his feelings.  Does this make sense?  Have any of you experienced this?

Feelings, dear Mustbe, are very strong indicators of our emotional response and state. To suppress them would be, if i may to our own disadvantage. Prolonged suppression would eventually cause a build up which may lead to a mental breakdown. Just like a toothache, to prolong the extraction of a tooth going bad... would eventually lead to more serious health complications.

You are making good steps in addressing how you feel, that is indeed a step in your own healing journey. Grief, loss, pain, anger are all components leading to healthy recovery. But also note that these processes are not linear and you may find yourself going in loops before getting out of the "FOG" or the forest.

But Mustbe, i'll assure you again that you don't have to do this alone and that the we're here to listen.

Takeheart and takecare,
Spero

[Mustbeabetterway]

Today, I am having trouble.  Of course, as soon as I start to feel some better, my husband is trying to pull me back under.  I contacted him today because I am doing our taxes and needed some information.  Of course, he cannot do the taxes!

Then he starts saying how much he misses me and never wanted to be apart.  Saying I am the one who wanted to be apart and I must have someone else.  Then he is texting all of the reasons he resents me.  And how he can’t believe I am throwing away our relationship so easily.

Assuredly, it has not been easy.  I hate that he is in pain.  I’m in pain, too.  Agggh.  This is so, so difficult.

[Mustbeabetterway]

I know this is the same song, just a different verse.  Not to despair, I am learning and taking all the good lessons and suggestions to heart and head. 

Processing what has happened -  For years and years, I was in denial.  That’s basically how the relationship survived the things that would have made those with healthier self respect quit the relationship.  I’m not in denial any longer.

I’m not bargaining, I see no fix that could keep me from moving forward.  Short of his all out commitment to intense therapy.  Don’t see that happening.

I still feel some anger over having to leave my home where I have lived for 25 years.  Where I have contributed, planted things, built stuff and still have a dog there.

I am accepting the truths of our relationship.  Trying to process as each day comes and brings new opportunities and challenges.  It’s still difficult to let go of my “fixing” habit.  He has to have his own feelings and work through those.  It’s always been difficult for me to watch him struggle.  Acceptance that’s the goal.

Thanks for your patience and for listening.

Peace and blessings,  Mustbe

[Speck]

Mustbe,

For years and years, I was in denial. That’s basically how the relationship survived the things that would have made those with healthier self respect quit the relationship. I’m not in denial any longer.

I know exactly what you're saying here. Now, every day that passes, I gain a smidgen of my self-respect back. It's a journey.

Step by step, we heal.


-Speck

[Mustbeabetterway]

Speck, with every smidgen you gain you are more than a speck, much much more.  Take care, Mustbe

[Speck]

Speck, with every smidgen you gain you are more than a speck, much much more.

Awwww... .shucks, Mustbe. Ya made me tear up a bit. 


-Speck

[Lucky Jim]

For years and years, I was in denial. That’s basically how the relationship survived the things that would have made those with healthier self respect quit the relationship. I’m not in denial any longer.

Hello again, Mustbe, Yup, I was in denial myself, and stayed when others with healthier self-esteem would have run for the hills.  I have vowed never to be the object of anyone's abuse again.  That's my boundary.

LJ

[Mustbeabetterway]

This week my husband was very upset because I wouldn’t help him print something on the wireless printer here at the house.  Mind you, I have worked about 55 hours this week trying to get projects done by a deadline.  He is retired and can read a manual.  I know it’s reallyl about getting my attention.  I told him I had gone to the public library and gotten something printed.  He called me ugly names and said I was selfish and he hated me.  Plus he doesn’t want a divorce, etc. etc.

He is trying to cling to me, yet be hateful, too.  All so confusing and chaotic.  He tells me how lonely he is.  And this makes me feel bad for him.

This is a tough evening and sad weekend for me.  My STBX is out of town.  I’m staying here with the dog and packing up the rest of my things.  Movers come tomorrow to take my furniture and piano.

I know he does not want a divorce.  I have tried everything I knew to help the marriage survive.  I thought we would always be together, that at some point things would even out and be more consistent.  That age might bring more contentment for him, but it hasn’t.  As hard as I have tried, it’s too conflict ridden, often hurtful, and sometimes scary.  I just can’t stay and it breaks my heart.

I have been feeling some stronger.  I’m just wondering if these terrible feelings will end.

[zachira]

You are doing an amazing job of doing what is right for you, and right for your husband, though he may not ever believe that. Your challenge is to let him feel his feelings, and not feel them for him. You are so positive and strong, owning your feelings, that you will feel better as time goes on about divorcing a man that expects you to take care of his feelings for him. You do not want to hurt him, which shows great compassion, and this type of compassion you have will help you to feel more joy and happiness in your life as time goes on.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Thank you, Zachira, for your kind and supportive words.  Those are words I needed to hear.

I’m feeling more accomplished today, now that the furniture has been
Moved.  One step further on the journey.

[Speck]

Hello, Mustbe:

I have tried everything I knew to help the marriage survive.  I thought we would always be together, that at some point things would even out and be more consistent.  That age might bring more contentment for him, but it hasn’t.  As hard as I have tried, it’s too conflict ridden, often hurtful, and sometimes scary.  I just can’t stay and it breaks my heart.

I have been feeling some stronger.  I’m just wondering if these terrible feelings will end.

I know you still feel a bit conflicted about not staying, and that's perfectly normal. Like zachira has identified, you are a very compassionate person. You care for him, and yet, you know that you cannot stay in this relationship. I hear you.

I am glad you have been feeling stronger and that you got your furniture moved. Finally! Day-by-day, step-by-step, you're doing it. I am so happy for you!


-Speck

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Speck, thanks for the encouragement.  One of my best friends sent me a quote recently - “Don’t look back, you’re not going that way.”  That about sums it up. 

How are you doing these days?

[Lucky Jim]

One of my best friends sent me a quote recently - “Don’t look back, you’re not going that way.”  That about sums it up. 

Love that quote, Mustbe.  Thanks!

LJ