She is fading, but the feelings are so strong

[Pencil sketch]

Hi everyone, have been NC, for about 6 weeks, stopped counting.
I last saw her, August last year, and the memories are fading, whether it's self preservation, I don't know.
It feels like it was all a bad dream, but my emotions will give me a quick kick up the backside, and it all becomes real again.
Does anyone else feel this duality?
Not unpleasant, it's as if part of her is hanging on.

[abv221]

I totally understand. I haven't seen her since the end of October and we've barely been in contact since the beginning of the years. Some days it feels like a distant memory and other days I miss her so much. Last night I walked around the apartment remembering when we were there together and cried so much. It's almost scary when it feels distant. I am torn between wanting to hold on and wanting to let go. Unfortunately, no matter how I feel, she is always on my mind.

[steppedinone]

Issue for me has always been that I tend to remember the good in those times that all of you describe. I then remind myself that there were 3-4 bad for every good. And I get myself back to the place where I'm good with NC.

I started journaling when my whole thing kicked up a while back. Reading that reminds me what reality was... .

[randomuser94]

i get random 'emotions spikes as well'. It is painful, I on't lie. The most painful thing is to actually see her with his new lover. She fooled the guy that it's her soulmate. Or maybe they both believe it for now. I know it will change for her and that the guy will be dumped soon, but seeing how she treats him, speaks about him compared in how she speaks about me... .it is hard.
  There are so many memories linked with strong emotions... .the moment something reminds me of her, it all comes back again.

[kfry2679]

I understand very much. I went a long time without laughing while I was with her and have since rediscovered my sense of humor and my ability to enjoy things. And then, three nights ago, I was getting ready for bed and I missed her so much I almost started crying for no real reason.

I journaled for a bit and reminded myself that only the actions were real and the few things I felt were actually good about the relationship will never outweigh the rest. It helped, but it overwhelms, I know.

[Pencil sketch]

I think the hardest part, as some of you have mentioned, is them moving on so quickly, I try to rationalize, it's all part of the condition, a need within them, but I couldn't imagine wanting to be with anyone else, and yet she was planning her next conquest, as we were breaking up, it's hard to believe the intimate moments we shared, took my breath away, I have never experienced anything like it, yet, she is doing it with someone else, those times were sacred, her words.
I have to believe, in some way, she meant it, even if it was just for that moment.
It keeps me going.
Thankyou for your on going support, it means so much.

[stixx44]

PS,

Right there with you.  Since our breakup in October, we haven’t had much to do with one another except for a short 8-day sprint in late February where I lost my my mind and body with her, only to be discarded again.

I feel her fading... .this last discard actually helped me in a weird way.  I really saw her for who she truly is.  A tormented woman.  I feel sorry for her, and I count my blessings that we never made it permanent, as she so eagerly wanted.

I go through blue periods missing her, mostly physically, as those seemed to be our best moments, sad to say.

But I feel better each day and week that passes without her contacting me.  I truly believe she’s gone for good, and I am truly, finally OK with that.

Wishing you continued strength and peace of mind and soul,

Stixx

[Shawnlam]

My ex BPDgf now that I can rewind the tapes of us being together,I now know she had someone new the two weeks after our first breakup.The abnormal bathroom text breaks,weird weekends of I wanna be alone tonight stuff ... .all adds up .How foolish of me to not have seen it at the time “or did I” and chose not to .How these people live with themselves I don’t know

[crushedagain]

My ex BPDgf now that I can rewind the tapes of us being together,I now know she had someone new the two weeks after our first breakup.The abnormal bathroom text breaks,weird weekends of I wanna be alone tonight stuff ... .all adds up .How foolish of me to not have seen it at the time “or did I” and chose not to .How these people live with themselves I don’t know

I have had these exact same feelings over the past 6 months after the breakup. I am a trusting person who never checked or snooped on her, even though a few things did not add up. She was very defensive from the get-go. In hindsight, I should have questioned her behaviors more, and done a little snooping as I think it would have saved me some heartache.

[Shawnlam]

I think we don’t snoop because we know ... .deep down we know.Snooping would have been more harmful than living in ignorance to be honest.I knew she saw her ex bf on a trip she took with her gf,I knew when she cancelled a Friday date to “see her grandma in the hospital “ it was BS and god knows where she went.I also deep down knew when she went on vacation down south with her gf what they were off to do,and I called it quits at that point because well because I have my own dignity to .Why I tolerated so much is a mystery in itself ,but between me educating myself+ professional therapy ,I will fix what I have broken in order to prevent this again.

[kfry2679]

Mine told me on a Thursday that "I'm still in love with you but you're losing me" and I responded with, "I can let you go, if you want" which was then promptly met with, "No. I don't want you to let me go at all."

On that Saturday, she met her new girlfriend and sent me pictures of the two of them on Sunday.

While that hurt a lot, it also was very freeing in a strange way... .sort of "It's that person's problem now" type of thing. (Then that person moved 100 miles to live with my ex a month later and I can imagine very clearly everything my ex said to make that happen.)

It fades, but anytime I've seen a picture of the two of them, it's sort of like being slapped.

[Shawnlam]

I could only imagine ,it’s one if the main reasons I stay completely off social media,never required it to feel validated .Also I avoids me this type of pain as well

[kfry2679]

I could only imagine ,it’s one if the main reasons I stay completely off social media,never required it to feel validated .Also I avoids me this type of pain as well

The best part was that I had her blocked on everything... .so she sent me an email with a picture. That is some serious dedication to f***ing with me.

[Shawnlam]

It’s their way of saying look I’m loved and happy trust me most do it.My exBPDgf apparently is spamming her Instagram looking happy and content when in reality she is probably crushed and upset inside .All an image to fool everyone around them is all. It’s hard to tell which relationships meant something to them at the beginning VS those who were fall back attention fillers,they are excellent at keeping up an image

[steppedinone]

It does hurt. They move on so quickly. But to what? The next fix, usually.

I would just like them to exit my life. That is what I struggle with. As I have to work with them, it hurts. I know what I have is so much better, and I am healing slowly. I do believe that my HP is looking out, and that this is all happening for a reason.

Just want to let go of all of it. And not think of her at all. I know I don't want or need her, but having to see her is the only issue.

[eggfry]

I think it makes sense to have that emotional duality as sometimes isn't it like the p/w BPD is living a dual life too? One moment you have this amazing, wonderful person and the next a person who you don't recognize or is being awful to you. For me I feel like I had a relationship with two different people sharing the same body.

My friend asked me to make a list of all the unpleasant things, incidents or things that I don't like about that person. And keep it on my phone. When you start to have those feelings of longing or your emotions start hitting you, read the list. I started mine this week... .it's been helping me bring myself back to reality.

[steppedinone]

My friend asked me to make a list of all the unpleasant things, incidents or things that I don't like about that person. And keep it on my phone. When you start to have those feelings of longing or your emotions start hitting you, read the list. I started mine this week... .it's been helping me bring myself back to reality.

Boom.

If you aren't doing this, please add it to your routine. I'm so glad I began a daily journal once I felt my "friendship" was going in an odd direction. Not only did I make a laundry list of all the over the top BS, I realized I'd have 3-4 horrible experiences for each good one. When days are hard. I go to those, and remember what it was really like.