What does it take to make a BPD marriage work?

[renewmyspirit]

I am interested in hearing from those who have given their marriage another chance. What does it really take to make the relationship work for both partners? Is there a way to 'test' the situation and see if it's even worth it, or if it's better to cut your loses and move on?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[juju2]

That's a good question.

I am separated fm s.o., we lived together for 10 years, are taking time away fm the relationship.

Do you have children together.

There are a lot of tools here.

I wish I had known about this site during our 10 years.

Also, I didn't do self care, keep up my own interests, have my own friends.  For some reason, I allowed myself to be swallowed up.


Am off topic. 

Thank you for asking the question.

Sincerely,  juju

[renewmyspirit]

Thanks for replying. No, we do not have children so I feel that should simplify things to some degree. I am thinking that separating would be a good idea even to get perspective. I, too, was swallowed up by the relationship and have a lot of healing to do. I hope your situation gets better and that you can heal as well.

[Notgoneyet]

  renewmyspirit ,
 I've asked myself that one quite a few times this yr myself.
  In my case I still love my uBPDw of 35 yrs very much & have been working on repairing things quite a bit in the last 3 yrs.  Many times ALONE in that quest and it's a HUGE commitment, a lot of WORK & I wouldn't talk anyone into it. It's a lonely road sometimes.
  We've both been in 12 step programs (her- AA & me A-Anon & S-Anon)  for last 1 1/2yrs.
 - Marriage Counseling/ Individual Counseling for 4yrs- last 1 1/2 specialized for BPD.
 - Neither one of us wants to (start over) in r/s in our late 50's 
  - haven't heard of ANY real (tests) & if they exsited I'm sure Our case would have FAILED, LOL.
  - She's STILL a pretty AWESOME Mom to our 2 adult sons still living at home & they still need that sometimes.
  - I believe it's a very personal choice and no one case is the same although we've ALL lived bits & pieces of a lot of the struggles posted here. You're in the right place to find the answers !                                                                                                   
  I still go to the success stories sec. at the top of this section when I need encouragement.
  Read, learn more- here & with related books every wk. and you can't practice enough SELFCARE while going through all of this.

  Wishing the very best on your journey forward into discovery & healing.   NGY
 

[renewmyspirit]

Thank you for your reply. Nothing you said was surprising about how much work would be involved in making the relationship work. I commend you for staying at it and staying together.

After all this time, I am no longer trying to understand why he does the things he does and I no longer have any desire to work on it. I am lonely, tired, and beaten down and I want to cut my loses and move on with my life.

I guess it was a sort of last ditch inquiry just to see what it would take and there is no reason for me to fight any more.

Thank you and I wish you all the best.

[Just A Guy]

Been married for 13 years, and coping. It truly is hard, as you seem to know (and no one is shy about saying). But I read this quote from someone else here and it really describes how I feel about my BPDw. It is beautifully written:

"I struggle with the fact that my BPDx's childish qualities drove me nuts. The lack of responsability, the lack of emotional maturity, the lack of caring for and respecting anyone else, the selfishness, the running away, the volatility. And at the same time, it's also childlike qualitites that drew me to him - his openness, his warmth, his bubbly-ness, his enthusiasm, his creativity, his playfulness - so many characteristics that seem dulled and grey in so many adults who seem emotionally dead much of the time."

That really is what keeps me in my marriage. I have never met anyone like her, and she is everything that I am not, which helps bring balance in some way. Not sure if that's what you were looking for... .

[renewmyspirit]

Thanks for your reply and for sharing that quote. It obviously spoke to you a lot in your relationship and I am happy that you can see those qualities in your wife and that they are characteristics you cherish in her.

This is what I was looking for when I posted this question. Unfortunately there are none of these characteristics in my relationship.

Your response was helpful. Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best in your journey.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi renewmyspirit,

I'm glad you have joined us. I think it is possible to have a mostly normal relationship, but it will take ALOT of work on your end. YOu can't make you pwBPD change but you can change yourself. We have  saying around here that "You can't make things better until you stop making them worse."

From this site I learned that I was doing a lot of things that triggered my pwBPD. Sure, he is responsible for his own behavior, but I am responsible for mine. So when I react in an invalidating way, I'm responsible for that. My H and I are mostly normal now whereas when I came to this site he was exploding a couple times a week, I was severely hopeless, and things were very out of control. I can't remember the last time he blew up. He is still grouchy and gets irritated easily but it's rarely focused on me and more comes from outside sources.

What would you say is the biggest area of difficulty in your relationship?