Roommate situation difficulties

[AnnG]

Hi
My friend came to stay at my house with the agreement that she would do so until she got an apartment and some kind of employment. She finished an online graduate degree, and then her sister died suddenly. My friend has been applying for jobs related to her degree but is getting no job offers. Now my friend says that she doesn’t have money to get an apartment and she really doesn’t want to work. She receives a monthly Social Srcurity check.
She has applied for government assisted housing, but the waiting lists may be long and there is no certainty as to when an apartment would become available. Her extreme black and white view of life, emotionally reactive nature, victim mentality, and unwillingness to work are part of what I believe is borderline personality disorder. She came from an abusive background. Please help me to deal with this situation and protect what I have left of a calm life. She has lived with me for over 11 months since January, 2017. She just agreed to start paying rent, which helps me feel better. We can’t really have conversations and I have learned to expect very little from her. I believe she will be able to pay a nominal rent amount every month. I know that setting boundaries are essential and I am committed to setting whatever boundaries I can. Any advice would be great.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[zachira]

You are a kind and generous friend. You have been setting boundaries with your friend. It sounds like you would like her to move out, and don't know how to go about it, as you realize she probably is not going to respond well, and then you have this person still in your home which is very uncomfortable. You really want to find a way to get her to move. You have some options here, and they may be difficult to do since it seems this roommate is pretty determined to stay and does not have any real regard for your feelings. You might find her a place to live, like a room at the YMCA, and then tell her she can longer stay at your place. I hate to suggest lying to her, yet it may be necessary to tell her something like you have to help your brother who needs her room so she might be less likely to be unreasonable. You may want to have another person present when you talk to her, as she may act better and be more reasonable when someone else is present for the discussion. The worst possible scenario is moving yourself, which I don't know if that is possible. These are a few suggestions, which may not be helpful at all, as you know what you would be comfortable doing. There are many caring people on this board who will have some ideas as well. Keep us posted and let us know how we can help.

[Speck]

Hello, AnnG!



Please allow me to join zachira in welcoming you to the discussion forums. I'm so sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other. I believe that you have found the best place in the world for understanding, compassion, and education as it relates to BPD, or facing emotionally intense relationships (as the byline of our logo says). So…we support each other here. I was a little scared when I joined, but mostly about having my fears confirmed. Now that they have been, I'm feeling much better. 

So, again, welcome!

Thank you for sharing with us what you have thus far:

I know that setting boundaries are essential and I am committed to setting whatever boundaries I can. Any advice would be great.

Yes, boundary-setting is going to be paramount to your being able to deal with this situation and to protect whatever you have left of a calm life. Your recognizing this already gives you a leg up on the process of reclaiming your life.

You are among peers, friend. Unfortunately, there are legions of us! I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. However, I think you'll find a lot of parallels here - lots of members (including me) have similar stories. You will see from reading the posts here that you are far from alone.

There are also site articles and helpful tools that can be utilized by you to help you navigate this relationship. The tools are for YOU, but in time, hopefully, they will assist in improving your overall relationship with your roommate. Please find the Tools and Lessons located in the right-handed panel, and work through them as you're able.


I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Take care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck