I guess no contact means no contact; kept in the dark about car accident

[cedarview]

Hello All, I have written on some other threads about being NC with my uBPD mother and by extension my enabling father. It is about 3 months since any meaningful communication. We live in a small town and have young kids, so sometimes news of my parents reaches us through the grapevine. My father has a movement disorder and even though he still has his license we have gone around and around with him to stop driving. Much like my mother he doesn't really hesitate to lie or bend the truth to his doctors and family. He denies saying things or sometimes just doesn't remember. Anyway, apparently he was at a friend's house and ran his car through the living room wall by accident. Thankfully no one was injured including him but his prized car apparently has been totaled. His cars have always meant more to him than anything so I assume he is broken up about it. I can't help but feel brassed off that no attempt was made to contact me after this happened. Even just a quick e-mail or something to say "You may have heard this happened but everyone is OK." Nope. Things like this make me feel like the NC is being weaponized by my parents. They'll show us one way or the other that we will be sorry we "deserted" them!

I am just feeling a lot of conflicted emotions about this. On one hand my father was in a serious car accident that could have hurt or killed innocent people. On the other hand I am really angry all over again at them for not even being well enough to let me, their only child, know what happened.

[Harri]

Hi cedarview.  I am sorry you are feeling so hurt by your parents silence especially on this scary issue.  It seems like they are taking your request for no contact seriously though.  Whether they are doing so out of a sense of hurt or respecting your wishes, I understand that this is difficult for you. 

If they had contacted you to tell you about the accident, what do you think your response would have been?  What would you want to do if they had told you?

[cedarview]

Hi cedarview.  I am sorry you are feeling so hurt by your parents silence especially on this scary issue.  It seems like they are taking your request for no contact seriously though.  Whether they are doing so out of a sense of hurt or respecting your wishes, I understand that this is difficult for you.  

If they had contacted you to tell you about the accident, what do you think your response would have been?  What would you want to do if they had told you?

Hi Harri, I guess the important part is that even though we initially requested and took a month of no contact from my parents (that was in January), our attempts to re-establish contact, especially with my mother have been met with the silent treatment. So although it was initially a planned no contact, at this point my wife and I are being punished with silent treatment we didn't ask for or deserve. So in that context the withholding of information about the accident is hurtful to me. If they had told me I would have thanked them for letting us know that nobody was injured and... .there is a part of me that hopes it could have been an opening to re-establish contact actually. Since the current situation is extended silent treatment I would be grateful to have an opportunity to get out of that.

I think my answer reflects the fact that I continue to work to understand my expectations of my parents and how they mesh with the current reality.

[Harri]

I think my answer reflects the fact that I continue to work to understand my expectations of my parents and how they mesh with the current reality.

Excellent!  I can tell from your posts that you present the request for a break in a well thought out way and can see your offers to re-establish contact have been offered in a very sensitive manner.  As you know, your parents will react how they react and you unfortunately getting a very clear picture of that right now.  It hurts terribly when someone misreads the very best and most sincere of intentions.  I very much respect and admire your ability and willingness to reach out to them and wish for you there could be some sort of resolution.

[cedarview]

Intellectually I have a basic understanding of what is going on but emotionally it is a different animal. My wife and I are continuing to try and protect ourselves and our kids but sometimes the needs of the "son" in me get overwhelming and I find myself pondering getting back in touch with them. When that happens my wife suggests simply asking myself "Why?" and honestly that is usually enough for me to leave the ball in their court.

[Harri]

I like your wife's suggestion.    Simple and really gets to the heart of the matter.  Focuses you too so you don't get bogged down in the thick mist of FOG that often surrounds us and our families.

I agree, knowing something intellectually vs. emotionally really gets at the heart of the sort healing we have to do on this board.  Accepting that you have done the best you can and that how your parents react is out of your control AND **being okay** with that is a hard place to reach. 

This can be very painful work so I am glad you have your wife to help sort things out and that you reached out here as well.  We are all on a similar path and we can also help support, center and even challenge you when needed or wanted.

[MissAlwaysWrong]

I’ve had a very similar situation. Since I moved out my relationship with my uBPD mother and immediate family has been strained. We have gone months without talking. Each time I get to talking to them I find out all the information I didn’t know. For example, this past year three of our family pets passed away and nobody called to tell me. I would also not get any calls when my grandmother went to the hospital. It’s my “punishment.” Thankfully your father is okay I am glad he and everyone involved made it out okay. We can’t control what information they give us unfortunately.

[cedarview]

It’s my “punishment.”

Ugh I know where you are coming from! Remember that it isn't just punishment, it's abuse! I hope you can find some peace with your situation.

[MissAlwaysWrong]

I hope your situation works out too. I definitely don't think that I have wrapped my head around the fact that this is abuse. My entire immediate family treats me the same as my mother so they don't see it that way. When I try to stand up for myself they turn everything around and blame it on me. I guess we just need to stick together and always provide support. Good Luck!

[Panda39]

I hope your situation works out too. I definitely don't think that I have wrapped my head around the fact that this is abuse. My entire immediate family treats me the same as my mother so they don't see it that way.

When I first met my SO, I didn't have the vocabulary to describe his uBPDxw.  I knew the things that she was doing were wrong, but I had no experience with someone like her and just didn't have the words.  

Not getting her daughter with a toothache to the dentist for 3 months! Oh my God, this is your daughter just take her to the dentist! Or pulling daughter out of school for a year to "home school" her but never actually doing any school... ."Neglect"

Brainwashing her children against their father during their divorce, using the kids to go through his things and report back, using the kids to make false allegations of abuse... ."Parental Alienation"

Lying, lying, lying, lying... .lying some more... .and still more... .sending your daughter to a private college saying you will pay for it and then not paying, daughter in 15,000 dollars of debt or lying one too many times sending your daughter to inpt psych for suicidal comments (she was diagnosed with PTSD)... ."emotional (and financial) abuse"

I wanted to share the "power and control wheel" because I think it can help clarify or give words to some of the stuff we see when we have a pwBPD in our lives (it's a little small here but you can google to find a copy easier to read)... .I think silent treatment would fall under "using isolation" and it is abuse. Often times when being raised by someone with BPD you can be trained to minimize things but in reality there can be some serious stuff going on.



Hope this helps,
Panda39

[cedarview]

Panda thank you for your links, charts, and articles. I have printed just about all of them out and taken them home to let my wife read them. You are a great resource for the group here!

[Panda39]

Thanks, I'm just paying it forward. So many here have shared ideas and tools that have helped me too  

Panda39