Anyone hide this site from their BPDSO?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I joined like two days ago, and I am so glad that I have found all of you. But I gotta ask: does anyone else feel like they need to hide their use of this support group from their BPDSO?

[Just A Guy]

I joined like two days ago, and I am so glad that I have found all of you. But I gotta ask: does anyone else feel like they need to hide their use of this support group from their BPDSO?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CryWolf]

I joined like two days ago, and I am so glad that I have found all of you. But I gotta ask: does anyone else feel like they need to hide their use of this support group from their BPDSO?

Hey Just A Guy 

A lot of members on this group find it best to not share the information to our partners with BPD. It may cause more harm than good in cases. Even if its best intentions, a person with BPD may feel unsafe or attacked in a sense. They may attack back. Imagine if someone you love dearly and they love you, comes across a whole community of people sharing their experiences of their partners. From abuse to neglect, etc. Then the pBPD starts to internalize and feel like a probem. Maybe the feel a sense of abandonment. The pwBPD may not feel so good about themselves. They may feel like "why does this person I love need a support group from me?" Just some scenarios, situations in my opinion that could be a possibility to answer your question.

[StormySkies]

Yes,  I make sure that my husband has no idea I post here or elsewhere. 

[Just A Guy]

It's just that, in my marriage, honesty is a core principle for both of us. Somehow, hiding it feels like lying to her, and that's a personal boundary that I don't want to cross. Ever. I also love her like crazy, and she is my best friend every day. I am excited to feel like I have somewhere to go for hope, for energy. I have been struggling to muster the energy to deal with this for a while. I felt like I was losing a battle for hope within myself, if that makes any sense. But this excitement at feeling like our marriage is going to live really mkes me feel energized and excited. As a result I want to share this excitement with her. I have been trying to hide the negative effects from her for so long, that now that I have something positive, I just want to share it with her.

[lostandconfused6]

My BPDbf has no idea about this he is a private person and if he found me sharing these things, even though it is pretty much anonymous, he would be livid i honestly don't even know what he would do. I am very big on honesty but i look at this as a form of therapy and support that he isn't able to give me and it is for the bettering of our relationship

[waverider]

It's just that, in my marriage, honesty is a core principle for both of us. Somehow, hiding it feels like lying to her, and that's a personal boundary that I don't want to cross. Ever. I also love her like crazy, and she is my best friend every day. I am excited to feel like I have somewhere to go for hope, for energy. I have been struggling to muster the energy to deal with this for a while. I felt like I was losing a battle for hope within myself, if that makes any sense. But this excitement at feeling like our marriage is going to live really mkes me feel energized and excited. As a result I want to share this excitement with her. I have been trying to hide the negative effects from her for so long, that now that I have something positive, I just want to share it with her.

Would you like your partner to be able to read your mind and know every thought you have? Especially someone with BPD who is very sensitive and paranoid about criticism. This would be hard for anyone without BPD.

This site is about baring your sole, you can't do that if you are potentially monitored.  There may be times when she is understanding and respect your right to do this, but if she has BPD there will be times when she will bust that privacy boundary. Once you have let that cat out of the bag there is no putting it back in. It can, and will be, used against you.

Also from her perspective if she reads the content here it will be very triggering as there is a lot of angst directed at people with BPD. Emotionally it would be damaging for her to browse this site even leaving out any contributions you may make.

Anonymity is the advised way here, even between members.

[waverider]

It's just that, in my marriage, honesty is a core principle for both of us.

I have been trying to hide the negative effects from her for so long,

Is hiding you feelings and consequnces truly being honest? Hiding consequences of their actions from a pwBPD is one of the central causes of BPD being perpetuated. They can install the fear that causes others to walk on eggshells. Being able to say "No I am not doing that because it makes me feel uncomfortable" with no further explanation and no further pressure being exerted on you, is one of the major turning points. It is however very hard to achieve. Until then there is a certain degree of ducking and weaving in order to stay functional.

It is very difficult to be 100% open and honest about everything with everyone, with a person with BPD this can be even harder. Our goal here is to unravel this as much as possible so that firstly you can be honest and realistic with yourself, and secondly you are as fair and as open as is reasonably possible with a pwBPD.

[Just A Guy]

That makes sense. The part about it coming back at some point is so absolutely true. She is currently easy-going, so I feel like I can tell her anything. But it's always a mistake. Someone else here calls that situation a bear trap.

[waverider]

That makes sense. The part about it coming back at some point is so absolutely true. She is currently easy-going, so I feel like I can tell her anything. But it's always a mistake. Someone else here calls that situation a bear trap.

If a partner can be 100% guaranteed to always have your back then it would be highly unlikely they have BPD.  To have someones back means you need the inner strength to hold back on your own impulses in order to look after someone else's interests. A pwBPD can be your most fervent supporter, just as long as it doesn't clash with their perceived needs of the moment, which have a habit of eclipsing everything due to their intensity.

You need your safety net when walking the tightrope with BPD

[BasementDweller]

I don't so much hide it as I... .don't mention it or bring it up at all. One reason, as others have stated, is that I need a safe haven where I can talk to others who understand and can relate. Another is that if he were to see my posts, obviously, he'd know I was the author by the content and descriptions of events. There are times when I have vented my frustration about him here, because I really just needed the release of all the pain this relationship can cause me at times. If he saw that, he would flip his lid. It would likely be the end of us.

Out of respect for him, I do not reveal what is going on or talk about him or our relationship problems to people we know in common. Or anyone I know who may meet him. Personally, to me, that would be disrespectful, and an invasion of his/my/our privacy. Others may feel differently, and confide in friends, relatives, etc. Perfectly ok, there are many ways to go about coping with the stress we all feel. We have to look out for ourselves and find outlets we are comfortable with. I don't feel comfortable talking to people I or we know, (except, of course, our T) partially for the reasons I listed, and also because I do not want anything I say to get twisted around and repeated back to him by others, even if they are well meaning. pwBPD are like a minefield at times, and one wrong step, BOOM!

Thus I vent and share here, which is an anonymous forum filled with others who "get it" but do not know my partner personally. Even if I am distraught and need to tell *someone* - it won't get back to him, and upset or shame him. So, I definitely do not reveal anything about this site. 

[isilme]

I have never even told H I suspect he has BPD.  I make use of the tools here, to help our relationship become less dramatic and closer and stronger. 

He knows I use a "self-help group" online sometimes, which I have attributed (honestly) to being helpful in dealing with pain from my childhood with my BPD parents.  When I speak of BPD, it's in reference to them.  When I speak about HIS issues, I use terms that don't hurt him as much:  depression and anxiety.  The core issue is his BPD which leads to his depression and anxiety, but BPD makes a person with it not want to hear they have it. 

You can be honest if you need to and say you've found a place to journal things in your life to get better perspective.  You can say you have found some resources to help you with improving communication.  I just caution against all out saying I think you have BPD and I am writing about our lives looking for advice and a safe place to vent about when you go crazy on me."

[Just A Guy]

That's more like what I was thinking. The only ammendment would be that this is... not exactly my normal operating pattern. Im a fairly quiet and introverted person. More comfortable alone than in crowds. And usually I avoid the internet at all cost. Only as a source of information, not social outreach. Ever. Until a few days ago. Just mentioning it would likely lead to a line of questioning that may be... .inconvenient.

[engineer]

I will not allow my wife to find out about this site because I care about her.  If she is going to find out about her disorder, she will find out with love and care, not by reading my somewhat unfiltered words to people she does not know.

I didn't tell my wife the whole story of what happened when I used a live-catch trap to get a raccoon out of the garage, and then once the raccoon was in the trap realized it had rabies.  She does not need to know what happened.  For all she knows, a perfectly healthy raccoon is living its life out in the wide open spaces far outside the city.  Knowing the truth would do nothing to enhance her life.  Yep, it's dishonest... .but sometimes caring about a person requires dishonesty, in my opinion.

[Tattered Heart]

I'm pretty protective of letting my H know about this site. I try to be very careful if I get on here while at home (usually I'm just at work). I signed up with an email address that is never checked or associated with my phone. I do not save the website in my favorites and I never access it on our shared computer.

I have slacked a little bit since he is no longer on fb. I will even share links to the site with info about BPD but never mention that I think he has it in case his family sees something and mentions it to him. May is BPD Awareness month and I'm already planning on a campaign to share info about BPD publically.

[pearlsw]

It's just that, in my marriage, honesty is a core principle for both of us. Somehow, hiding it feels like lying to her, and that's a personal boundary that I don't want to cross. Ever.

I struggle with this too. Daily. Wish I didn’t have this place as a secret. But safety first.

[StormySkies]

It's just that, in my marriage, honesty is a core principle for both of us. Somehow, hiding it feels like lying to her, and that's a personal boundary that I don't want to cross. Ever. I also love her like crazy, and she is my best friend every day. I am excited to feel like I have somewhere to go for hope, for energy. I have been struggling to muster the energy to deal with this for a while. I felt like I was losing a battle for hope within myself, if that makes any sense. But this excitement at feeling like our marriage is going to live really mkes me feel energized and excited. As a result I want to share this excitement with her. I have been trying to hide the negative effects from her for so long, that now that I have something positive, I just want to share it with her.

I totally get this - I consider myself a very highly principled person and at times,  I really resent my H for making me a "liar" and for having to carry the extra burden of keeping some of the "lies" straight.     Things have gotten really scary a few times the last couple years and at one point he started taking my id, cash, keys,  and credit cards while enraged.   So I "lost" my wallet and had everything replaced,  the duplicates  along with "skimmed" grocery money are hidden.   I have two credits cards in my name ,  paperless billing of course.   

My husband went 10 years with symptoms of BPD but his didn't become full fledged until his return from combat ten years ago.    It steadily gotten worse -  I'd love to be able to tell him I know why he is so angry,  unhappy, "empty" - it's so heartbreaking to know he's sick and that there is a cure but I know he will never consider therapy.   

[greenyard]

Contrary to normal people and what a normal healthy relationships are like, and what marriage books recommend (total honesty) I think its dangerous to share everything when BPD or mental illness is in the mix.

I would NEVER share this site with my uBPDw - I could see that turning into a very dangerous situation, literally, where its possible the house may get burned down or someone gets seriously hurt. Don't access this site from a shared computer, use an anonymous email address, and never access it from your cell phone. Check the router to make sure it's not logging net traffic. I've learned the hard way from being too honest about other difficult subjects. Please protect yourself and have a safety plan in place. Spare ID, credit card, cash, a few blank checks, clothes, backup phone and sim card, and keys etc, keep it somewhere safe like at work or a trusted friend's house.

I used to leave my email open at home, and that turned into her reading all my old emails with ex girlfriends and then me being labeled as a villain for dating any woman before I met her. To quote her "you are a misogynist because you serially dated women, you dated 3 different women in a year". HAHA. I mean, I was serially monogamous and dated girls in series. I never cheated on any of the women, but somehow I was a misogynist? wow.

Again, honesty is admirable, but be careful with BPD. Anything that can be used against you will be used against you. Anything that is remotely suggestive, will be distorted and used against you. Maybe not today, but someday, it could be 3 or 4 years from now. One time, we were being romantic in front of the fire place, having sex. I got off, and she didn't get off. Somehow that unfortunate situation turned into "you basically raped me. That was scary. And to be super clear, most of the time, the sex is amazing for both of us so it's not like I under performed regularly.

Take care of yourself and have a safety plan in place.

[StormySkies]

I don't so much hide it as I... .don't mention it or bring it up at all. One reason, as others have stated, is that I need a safe haven where I can talk to others who understand and can relate. Another is that if he were to see my posts, obviously, he'd know I was the author by the content and descriptions of events. There are times when I have vented my frustration about him here, because I really just needed the release of all the pain this relationship can cause me at times. If he saw that, he would flip his lid. It would likely be the end of us.

Out of respect for him, I do not reveal what is going on or talk about him or our relationship problems to people we know in common. Or anyone I know who may meet him. Personally, to me, that would be disrespectful, and an invasion of his/my/our privacy. Others may feel differently, and confide in friends, relatives, etc. Perfectly ok, there are many ways to go about coping with the stress we all feel. We have to look out for ourselves and find outlets we are comfortable with. I don't feel comfortable talking to people I or we know, (except, of course, our T) partially for the reasons I listed, and also because I do not want anything I say to get twisted around and repeated back to him by others, even if they are well meaning. pwBPD are like a minefield at times, and one wrong step, BOOM!

Thus I vent and share here, which is an anonymous forum filled with others who "get it" but do not know my partner personally. Even if I am distraught and need to tell *someone* - it won't get back to him, and upset or shame him. So, I definitely do not reveal anything about this site. 

Great post.    I identify with everything you are saying here.   One of the things that I love and respect about my husband is that his sense of loyalty is such that he has never spoken ill of me to anyone else.    TBH,  part of that is that he does not have many close friends and the relationship with his FOO is pretty off.   

I've had to be much more careful now that we have moved from a very large city to a very small town.   Everyone knows everyone and everything here.   I found this site after my "awakening" ,   I have very good and generous health insurance but my search for a T kept timing out unless I wanted to see someone who was "faith-based".   

My mom is my confidante now and I'm trying to get away from telling her so much because I'm sure it must hurt her so much to hear about some of the things that H says/does to me (and granddaughter).    It's hard though because she's a great non-judgemental listener and she has always treated H with love and respect even when he has painted her black. 

I've also set about recently to find other ways to reduce my stress - creative outlets, exercise,  spending time with the dog, yoga