I’ve never understood the many episodes of my sister’s raging.

[Sibs]

I am just realizing that my younger (adult) sister has BPD. There have been many episodes of her raging at me over the years and I never understood it. I would like to talk to other people who have adult siblings with BPD.

[Harri]

Hi Sibs and welcome to the board.  You have found the right place to talk with other people who are dealing with family members with BPD including siblings.  We can all relate.

Are there any specific issues with your sister that you would like to talk about?  Which of her behaviors do you find most problematic?

Make yourself at home, read some threads and articles and post as you feel the need and desire.  We'll be here.

[YouHadMeAtHello]

Welcome! 

I also have a younger sister with BPD.  I've been her scapegoat for the last 8 years or so; prior to that it was always our dad.  She's raged at me many times.  What's interesting is that, growing up, our dad had a huge rage problem (maybe he is/was BPD, too?).  Because our dad was bigger, older and a parent I was always terrified of his rages.  I had a lot of fear around him.  But, my sister is smaller, younger and a sister, so not in a position of authority, and as a result I was never actually afraid of her when she'd rage.  So, it really wasn't until very recently that I realized what she was doing was even rage, because in my head rage had to be terrifying.   That's a big revelation for me. 

Anyway, you'll find a lot of people here that get you.  It's very hard to talk to people about a BPD family member if they don't have experience with BPD because they don't understand.  They don't understand why you can't just be nicer to the BPD and/or they don't realize how awful the BPD person can actually be.  It's very nice to have a place where other people know what you're dealing with. 

[Panda39]

Welcome Sibs 

I wanted to join the others and welcome you to the group.  You are not alone all off us here have someone in our lives with BPD or BPD Traits, so we all get it.

When you have the chance it would be great to hear more of your story.  What have you been experiencing in terms of your sister?  How have you been dealing with things thus far?  We might be able to direct you to some tools that can be helpful if we know a little more about your situation.

Before I go I wanted to point out the box to the right --> each item is link to more information, you might want to check out the "Lessons" section.

I'm glad you decided to jump in and post and I look forward to hearing more of your story.

Take Care, 
Panda39

[Pina colada]

Hi Sibs and welcome to our boards.  I am sorry you are dealing with your younger sister. Mental health issues are very hard to deal with and you are in the company of many going through similar things.  My older sister is the one whom has bullied me as a child and continues to try and deface me ( as well as other members of my family and friends).  I am grateful to have this board to come to.  It has been a long journey ending about when our passed last summer and sis sending me a text (which I still have) that she was skipping out of funeral as her dogs were causing problems at the hotel they were staying.  Apparently her daughter couldn't or wouldn't let her stay at her house, I honestly don't know why nor do I care but after she heard about any monies we did or sis not get it appeared her mood changed for the better and she skipped his final respects.  So much more but the point is the more articles you read on BPD as well as NPD (so many similar traits) the more enlightened you will be.  I am currently NC with her and my life could not be better!  I read about NPD a lot and I see so many traits in sis but I am no doctor but I go with my gut!  Please share your story and read!

[Barilla]

I am just realizing that my younger (adult) sister has BPD. There have been many episodes of her raging at me over the years and I never understood it. I would like to talk to other people who have adult siblings with BPD.

I also have a younger adult sister with BPD.  Throughout her life I have been one of the main people she wants to be closest to, and she sets expectations and standards for me that I can never meet, and when I fail she gets incredibly upset and I become a terrible person. There have been many times where she will enter the room and spill emotional accusations very loudly and with many swear words, blaming me for everything she is feeling. I am currently not talking to her for my own reasons, but it is a very challenging situation. It's difficult but it's best to not take any of the raging personally, and to remain calm during it. I think when I start talking to her again, I will only put myself in positions in public for the beginning with her so that those episodes won't happen.

[Sibs]

I have not written since my first comment. My sister went nuts on me a few months ago. We are in our 50's. My father witnessed her raging and when I told him recently that I really didn't want to be around my sister, he told me to 'lighten up'. Then he admitted that it was bad but that all he wants is for his daughters to get along and 'how can you sisters get along'. I then become furious at my father for not ever having my back, seeing that my sister is not well, putting it back on me to have a good relationship with her. This is our cycle. My sister behaves in a completely insane way either by raging or just behaving in an 'off' rude manner, my father doesn't notice or glosses over, puts it back on me to make things ok between my sister and me, and I am miserable. I spent my entire life thinking that I must be the crazy one for noticing everything messed up in my family. Finally with a lot of therapy and reading all the Borderline books, I see that my sister is ill and that my parents enabled her by being in total denial. I am her main target although she has raged at various friends and my father too.  I would be content never seeing her but my father is 89 and when I go to see him, she is around and he tries to create situations where I will see her too. I try to push back but then he makes me into the 'bad guy'. I never knew why I was always miserable when I am around my family but now it is so obvious what is going on. In fact, I am the person who is under a microscope to be 'perfect' and when i am not, I get a lecture by my father. And my sister just goes along being horrible with zero consequences ever. Sorry for rambling on! Thank you for reading.

[Panda39]

Hi Sibs,

Glad you've been able to make it back here   

I wanted to share the Karpman Triangle with you, because I can see it in action in the story you tell about the relationship with you, your dad, and your sister.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

I can see each of you rotating around the triangle in different roles depending on the perspective.  Can you see the various combinations?

The most obvious triangle from what you've told us so far is from your perspective... .your sister is in the persecutor role, you are in the victim role, and your dad is in the rescuer role, but how might the triangle look from the perspective of each of them? Do you play a different role at times?  Do you think that you each have a role you play most often? 

What I'm getting at is that families create patterns, and each person plays their "role" in the family.  What do you think your role is?  Knowing that we can only truly control one person and that is ourselves how might you change the role you play?  How might you step off of the triangle and no longer participate in the dysfunctional dance? 

We have a lot of tools that can help, communication tools, mindfulness/radical acceptance, don't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) but for me the biggest tool in the toolbox is boundaries.  Boundaries are  to protect you, they are not to punish someone else.  What are some boundaries you might create for yourself? 

Some ideas could be if you go to dad's and your sister is there, just leave avoid the whole situation (don't go near the triangle), it could be that you have your visit but if your sister blows up you don't engage in the drama and you leave (again you don't jump on the triangle), it could be you are in touch with your dad only by phone (keeping the contact between you and your dad... .no third side of the triangle), it could be you meet your dad outside of his home... .take him to lunch or coffee (if your sister shows you are at least in a public place that might keep the rage in check) (keeping your sister off the triangle).

More on boundaries... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

Also, be aware that things can get worse before they get better.  People with BPD struggle with boundaries and your sister could temporarily escalate (extinction burst... .imagine a 2 year old having a temper tantrum) trying to get you to fall back in line and stay in your designated role.  Your father may also try and push you back into your designated role.  You all have played your parts for a long time and you making a change in the dynamic may make both of them uncomfortable, so there could be pressure on you to play your designated part.

Hang in there,
Panda39

[Sibs]

Hi Sibs and welcome to our boards.  I am sorry you are dealing with your younger sister. Mental health issues are very hard to deal with and you are in the company of many going through similar things.  My older sister is the one whom has bullied me as a child and continues to try and deface me ( as well as other members of my family and friends).  I am grateful to have this board to come to.  It has been a long journey ending about when our passed last summer and sis sending me a text (which I still have) that she was skipping out of funeral as her dogs were causing problems at the hotel they were staying.  Apparently her daughter couldn't or wouldn't let her stay at her house, I honestly don't know why nor do I care but after she heard about any monies we did or sis not get it appeared her mood changed for the better and she skipped his final respects.  So much more but the point is the more articles you read on BPD as well as NPD (so many similar traits) the more enlightened you will be.  I am currently NC with her and my life could not be better!  I read about NPD a lot and I see so many traits in sis but I am no doctor but I go with my gut!  Please share your story and read!

I'm trying to figure out how to reply to messages on this board! Could someone please explain to me! I so appreciate all the responses and support- incredibly helpful.

[Sibs]

Hi Sibs,

Glad you've been able to make it back here   

I wanted to share the Karpman Triangle with you, because I can see it in action in the story you tell about the relationship with you, your dad, and your sister.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

I can see each of you rotating around the triangle in different roles depending on the perspective.  Can you see the various combinations?

The most obvious triangle from what you've told us so far is from your perspective... .your sister is in the persecutor role, you are in the victim role, and your dad is in the rescuer role, but how might the triangle look from the perspective of each of them? Do you play a different role at times?  Do you think that you each have a role you play most often? 

What I'm getting at is that families create patterns, and each person plays their "role" in the family.  What do you think your role is?  Knowing that we can only truly control one person and that is ourselves how might you change the role you play?  How might you step off of the triangle and no longer participate in the dysfunctional dance? 

We have a lot of tools that can help, communication tools, mindfulness/radical acceptance, don't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) but for me the biggest tool in the toolbox is boundaries.  Boundaries are  to protect you, they are not to punish someone else.  What are some boundaries you might create for yourself? 

Some ideas could be if you go to dad's and your sister is there, just leave avoid the whole situation (don't go near the triangle), it could be that you have your visit but if your sister blows up you don't engage in the drama and you leave (again you don't jump on the triangle), it could be you are in touch with your dad only by phone (keeping the contact between you and your dad... .no third side of the triangle), it could be you meet your dad outside of his home... .take him to lunch or coffee (if your sister shows you are at least in a public place that might keep the rage in check) (keeping your sister off the triangle).

More on boundaries... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

Also, be aware that things can get worse before they get better.  People with BPD struggle with boundaries and your sister could temporarily escalate (extinction burst... .imagine a 2 year old having a temper tantrum) trying to get you to fall back in line and stay in your designated role.  Your father may also try and push you back into your designated role.  You all have played your parts for a long time and you making a change in the dynamic may make both of them uncomfortable, so there could be pressure on you to play your designated part.

Hang in there,
Panda39

Thank you Panda39 for all your helpful insights. The Karpman Triangle is so interesting and yes I can see myself in both the rescuer of my dad who has NPD and the victim roles. I want to step out of this dysfunctional triangle that has ruled my life. I can't figure out where my mother fit into this. She passed away 10 years ago. Things escalated after her death when my sisters drug abuse became apparent. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to handle my father's insistence on group texts and emails between my sister and me. I have asked him repeatedly to please let's just have our own relationship but he ignores me. I respond to his texts out of guilt because often my sister won't respond. He texts and emails multiple times a day with the goings on of his life. Thank you

[Harri]

It looks like you are responding to posts quite well Sibs.  Are you still not comfortable replying?  Do you mean you don't know how to highlight a particular section of text?

About your father and group texts, I am not sure you can get him to stop.  He gets to choose how he wants to share his day.  The fact that you have asked him to stop and he still sends group texts is his answer.  You can always respond back to him as if it were just the two of you?  You could text him in the morning and start your own conversation with him making it easier to keep your sister out of it.  Or you can just not respond.   

[Sibs]

It looks like you are responding to posts quite well Sibs.  Are you still not comfortable replying?  Do you mean you don't know how to highlight a particular section of text?

About your father and group texts, I am not sure you can get him to stop.  He gets to choose how he wants to share his day.  The fact that you have asked him to stop and he still sends group texts is his answer.  You can always respond back to him as if it were just the two of you?  You could text him in the morning and start your own conversation with him making it easier to keep your sister out of it.  Or you can just not respond.   

Thank you Harri!

[stormy seas]

About your father and group texts, I am not sure you can get him to stop.  He gets to choose how he wants to share his day.  The fact that you have asked him to stop and he still sends group texts is his answer.  You can always respond back to him as if it were just the two of you?  You could text him in the morning and start your own conversation with him making it easier to keep your sister out of it.  Or you can just not respond.   

I have started just replying to my mom when she sends group texts.  When my sister finds out, she's furious, but it has actually done more good for me.  She consistently treats my mom and I like poopoo, and my mom is starting to take notice (I'm 34, my sister is 30!). it takes time, and it sucks.

[stormy seas]

Sibs,

I think we're the same person!  Your younger sister sounds exactly like mine.  Until I found out what BPD was, I didn't understand her rages either, I was confused, hurt, and scared.  For essentially my whole life my parents didn't see anything wrong with her.  My dad grew up with a pretty crappy older brother, so in his mind that is me.  No matter how many times I try to tell him that I'm my own person he can't separate us out.  So growing up, everything was my fault and my sister was just the poor, innocent youngest (as my dad is the youngest).  Obviously, I must have done something terrible to make her rage, lash out and be violent.  My dad always needed us to be best friends because if we weren't he would have failed somewhere along the line.  She is getting worse as she gets older, and my dad still chooses to ignore and minimize her behavior because I should (always) be the better and bigger person.  I grew up thinking I was a bad person, nobody wanted to be friends with me, and a whole host of her other projections.

Getting help from a psychologist was the best thing I ever did.  Growing up like we did can be categorized as trauma, and getting professional help is one way to cope.  I have been able to distance myself from HER reality little by little.  I recognize symptoms of PTSD now and can deal accordingly.  I feel for ya. We can swap stories any time you want, it helps to know you are NOT ALONE and you are NOT CRAZY.

[Pina colada]

Hi Sibs, I have been away from the boards for a bit and just reading now.  My only supposition would be... .what I would do is respond to group text (using grey rock)... .Talk about the weather, something non threatening in the news.  Ask a general question such as "anyone try (    ) brand of laundry detergent... .Seriously, your dad is 89 and not likely to bend much.  Keep the peace by not revealing anything in the group text.  If you must answer a question use one word answers.  BTW I can totally relate to you... .PM me anytime!

[Sibs]

Hi Sibs, I have been away from the boards for a bit and just reading now.  My only supposition would be... .what I would do is respond to group text (using grey rock)... .Talk about the weather, something non threatening in the news.  Ask a general question such as "anyone try (    ) brand of laundry detergent... .Seriously, your dad is 89 and not likely to bend much.  Keep the peace by not revealing anything in the group text.  If you must answer a question use one word answers.  BTW I can totally relate to you... .PM me anytime!

Thank you Pina Colada! That's exactly what we do in the group texts! Will continue.

[Sibs]

Sibs,

I think we're the same person!  Your younger sister sounds exactly like mine.  Until I found out what BPD was, I didn't understand her rages either, I was confused, hurt, and scared.  For essentially my whole life my parents didn't see anything wrong with her.  My dad grew up with a pretty crappy older brother, so in his mind that is me.  No matter how many times I try to tell him that I'm my own person he can't separate us out.  So growing up, everything was my fault and my sister was just the poor, innocent youngest (as my dad is the youngest).  Obviously, I must have done something terrible to make her rage, lash out and be violent.  My dad always needed us to be best friends because if we weren't he would have failed somewhere along the line.  She is getting worse as she gets older, and my dad still chooses to ignore and minimize her behavior because I should (always) be the better and bigger person.  I grew up thinking I was a bad person, nobody wanted to be friends with me, and a whole host of her other projections.

Getting help from a psychologist was the best thing I ever did.  Growing up like we did can be categorized as trauma, and getting professional help is one way to cope.  I have been able to distance myself from HER reality little by little.  I recognize symptoms of PTSD now and can deal accordingly.  I feel for ya. We can swap stories any time you want, it helps to know you are NOT ALONE and you are NOT CRAZY.

Hi Stormy Seas! How do I reply without doing the 'quote' thing? WOW we did/ do have such similar experiences. I DO think I have PTSD. After years of seeing therapist after therapist after therapist, none of whom could recognize what was going on in my family, I found one who immediately understood and who told me I wasn't the crazy one. It was a total revelation. Thank you!

[Sibs]

Hi Stormy Seas! How do I reply without doing the 'quote' thing? WOW we did/ do have such similar experiences. I DO think I have PTSD. After years of seeing therapist after therapist after therapist, none of whom could recognize what was going on in my family, I found one who immediately understood and who told me I wasn't the crazy one. It was a total revelation. Thank you!

Hi again. Today is my sister's birthday and I feel so guilty that we are practically not speaking. I sent her a gift and a card and she did thank me via email. Birthdays are very important to her and she always tries to do a lot for me on my birthday because she misses my mother who used to do up our birthdays. I don't think she has a lot of friends. Although I don't think she thinks that so I guess it's ok.

[Harri]

Hi Sibs!

How do I reply without doing the 'quote' thing?

  Toward the top and the bottom of the board on the right hand side there is a green tab with Reply Notify Print as options.  Just click on reply and a window will open. 

[Sibs]

OH I get it now! Thanks!

[stormy seas]

I know! I feel guilty a lot, which is honestly ridiculous but I can't help it. Either i dol something to make me feel less guilty and end up being mad at myself, or I don't do anything and she gets mad... .can't win ! It was nice of you to send something. I usually feel better overall when I do because I'm improving myself as a person... .our something like that

I just spent a decent amount of money for a really nice present for her, just because we are always forced to be together and I want it to be as smooth as possible.  She didn't even say thank you... .